Friday, November 30, 2007

Evel Knievel R.I.P.

::squeezes throttle::

Crisis averted.

Teacher changes name of teddy bear to Cassius Clay.

Put a sock in it, Wayne Newton.

What a total douche. Bad-mouthing Johnny Carson.

I hope you die, Wayne Newton, you big fat washed up tub of goo.

You couldn't hold Johnny Carson's socks.

::socks Wayne Newton in the mouth::

Thursday, November 29, 2007


I've been seeing a ton of those annoying Dunkins Donuts commercials starring Rachael Ray (she is now on 'my list') and I realized that I only have maybe two donuts a year.





How can that be? I love donuts. They taste good AND they're good for you. Yet, I only have two a year. Dee-lish*!

I think the whole two donuts a year thing started after Ninety One One. Somehow it didn't feel right to have so much pleasure when so many people died.

But enough time has passed since Nine Hundred and Eleven and I'm gonna eat WAY more than two donuts a year in 2008.

* Everytime Rachael Ray says 'dee-lish', I want to kill.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

I should have written The Brady Bunch Theme!

So here's a blog,
About a hot broad,
Who was raising three bitches (One was hot, the other two not so much)
All of them had dyed hair like their mother.
The youngest one drove me nuts with her lisp.

So here's a blog,
About a man (Not Iranian in real life) named Brady
Who was 'busy' with three 'boys' of his own
They were four men ::wink wink::
Living all together, but they were all alone (Sack up , Nancies!)

Then one day the old broad met the old dude
And they knew it was much more than a something or other
So they got married and the hot old broad quit her job and sponged off of Mike
And they formed some odd family and Mike worked way too many hours and the hot old broad got a maid and basically did nothing but drink.

And that's the way they became the Brady Bunch (Mike's last name was Brady and they had a BUNCH of kids...Brady+ Bunch= Brady Bunch.

So to sum up:
The hot old broad duped Mike into marriage and taking care of her three girls (one hot, the other two not so hot)

They also had a dog. And were 'friendly' with a butcher named Sam.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Does this mean I have to vomit in my mouth twice?

>>>>>>>>>>>WASHINGTON (AP) - Barbra Streisand, who hedged her bets months ago with donations to Hillary Rodham Clinton, Barack Obama and John Edwards, has settled on one presidential candidate.
It's Hillary.
"Madame President of the United States ... it's an extraordinary thought. We truly are in a momentous time, where a woman's potential has no limitations," Streisand said in a statement released Tuesday by the Clinton campaign. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

The above story was written by someone I'm sure I'd grow to hate.

Monday, November 26, 2007

The Singer From Quiet Riot: R.I.P.

It's a shame that The Singer from Quiet Riot died. Years ago I used to sell rock posters in my shop and one of them was of The Singer from Quiet Riot.

The Singer from Quiet Riot will be missed. He and or she was great!

The world is a crummier place without The Singer from Quiet Riot. He or she was probably a really nice guy and or gal.

::says a quiet (get it?) prayer for The Singer of Quiet Riot::

The Singer from Quiet Riot did that song that used to get played about noize. It was good.

Rest In Peace....Singer From Quiet Riot. You will be missed. Unless of course the band replaced you with another singer that is better.

If that's the case:

Long Live The NEW Singer of Quiet Riot and 'Cum on Feel The Noize'!!

(Or was it 'We're Not Going To Take It'?)

The Mouse was in the House

So I put some 'Mouse n' Rat poison' in the basement along the top of the foundation. The mices scurry around the edge of the foundation, eat the poison and die. The next day I go down to the basement, scoop up dead mices with the garden trough, and then throw them over my fence.

Seems simple. I should have just left it alone. But I ended up reading the box from the 'Mouse n' Rat poison'.

Turns out that the 'Mouse n' Rat poison' also can kill animals, birds, and humans.

Wouldn't it sell better if it was named 'Mouse n' Wifey n' Rats n' Birds n' Animals' n' Kids poison' ?

Or should I just get one of those humane traps for Wifey n' Kids?

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Still pickin' on the Brits

The following story was on today.

>>>>>>>>>A survey of more than 2,000 Britons has revealed "nincompoop" is the nation's favorite word out of the 16,500 entries in the Cambridge Dictionary.
The survey found 13 percent of respondents chose "nincompoop" – believed to be derived from the Latin "non compos mentis," meaning not of sound mind – as their favorite sounding English word, The Daily Mai reported.
The poll was commissioned by Ubisoft, makers of the language computer game My Word Search.
The second most popular word was "love" and the third was "mum".<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<


I love your Mum, she's a nincompoop.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Best news story ever. It has to be.

>>>>>LONDON — Police claim an intoxicated man tried to have sex with a park fence, the Telegraph reported.
The 24-year-old allegedly made sexual motions toward a metal railing and said something to the effect of, "I'm going to have sex with that fence," the prosecutor is quoted as saying in the Telegraph.<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

The above story was on today

Crazy drunken Brits!

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

I don't HEAR(T) the deaf

So I see these two deaf folks 'signing' with each other (signing is they way deaf people 'pretend' to talk). No problem so far, correct?

But it was cold out yesterday and 'my' two deaf folks had big coats on. Some kinda nylon outer lining on them.

And the more they 'talked', the more they waved their arms and hands around. Still no problem, correct?

WRONG! Big problem!

They kept 'signing' and their stupid jackets kept rubbing back and forth making this horrible noise! It was driving me nuts. The more animated they got, the more noise their deaf coats made. Why can't deaf people just wear quiet coats?


Monday, November 19, 2007

Mr Whipple R.I.P.

::squeezes Bible::


Folks just don't say that word anymore.


It's kinda a creepy word now. Folks just say eyes.

"You have beautiful eyes!"

"You have beautiful eyeballs."


"I need to have my eyes checked."

"I need to have my eyeballs checked." (Ewwwwww!)

See? You hear the word eyeballs and it conjures up old EC comics or weird horror movies. Eyeballs are scary. Eyes are beautiful.

I'm touching my eyes right now. For no real reason. If I was touching my eyeballs you'd know something bad was about to happen.

Six eyes of one, half a dozen eyeballs of another.

Half a dozen eyeballs is wicked creepy. Six eyes is just three people.

Looking at me. With their eyeballs.

Their creepy demon infested eyeballs!

Point of the story?
Hillary has eyeballs....Mitt Romney has dreamy brown eyes.



Thursday, November 15, 2007

So why are they always starving?

>>>>DHAKA, Bangladesh (AP) -- A powerful cyclone slammed into Bangladesh on Thursday night, tearing down flimsy houses, toppling trees and power poles, and forcing hundreds of thousands to flee their homes in the low-lying nation.<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

So when there is a drought or famine why the heck can't these folks flee to where food and water is?


Still even more rejected blog ideas

1. Hillary's unwanted back hair festival!

2. Olive oil popsicles and why we need 'em.

3. Hillary's unwanted chest hair jamboree!

4. Why 9-11 is just a poor man's Pearl Harbor.

5. George Bush: 43rd best US President or #1 worst US President? You decide.

6. Why did I stick that wad of gum under the table in 8th grade study hall?

7. Hillary's unwanted chin hair and State Fair.

8. Subliminal ::The Brady Bunch Theme:: ways of screwing up your day.

9. Thoughts on the two EXACT snowflakes I once found.

10. Six of one, half a dozen of the other. And why folks say that.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

The leave out random words game

Dear Jayne,

I think you are wicked_____ and very ____. Everyday I ____ your ____ and get a big ____ out of your Brit ____ and silly ____.

Someday we will _____. We'll eat and ______ and make the _____.

Well, _____ all I have _____. I kinda feel ____ that I aint ______ part in raccoon week. I _____ you _______ either.

America really kicked_____ ass back in the 1700's. _____ for the record.

All my _____,

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Baked Haddock!

There is a restaurant near my home and on the outside they have a sign that gets changed every day. Usually mentioning what special of the day they have or the Red Sox on their plasma or something.

Yesterday they had a sign up that proclaimed: BAKED HADDOCK!

Baked Haddock with an exclamation point at the end. BAKED HADDOCK!

I like baked haddock. Does it warrant an exclamation point? I think not!

Beer battered haddock would! Fried haddock would! All you can eat haddock would!

But baked haddock? Nope!

Monday, November 12, 2007

The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

It's in Washington DC.

I'm thinking maybe they should dig up the tomb, take the unknown soldier out, run some DNA tests, and then tell us who this dude is/was.


They could bury "Tony" in a regular cemetary, get rid of the Tomb, and maybe put up a strip mall or maybe a Dunkin' Donuts or something.

There wouldn't be anything much cooler than a US president laying of a wreath outside of a doughnut shop...

And folks say I'm stupid.

Former Presidents, Leaders, and Sally Field speaking about Hillary

1. "Ask not what your cankles can do for you....ask what YOU can do for your cankles."

2. "The only thing we have to fear about Hillary, is Hillary herself."

3. "She can tell a lie."

4. "Hillary would be a date that would make you want to live in the infirmary"

5. "Ich bin ein Eyeliner (to cover up her saggy eyes.)"

6. "She is a crook!"

7. "I had a dream (about Hillary and I woke up in a cold sweat and started vomiting)!"

8. "I. Did not. Have sex. With that woman!"

9. "They hate you, they really, really hate you."

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Did it at least smell like french fries?

The following story once again proves that IANO has it's finger on the pulse of the world. Or something. This relates to yesterday's post on these here airwaves. (are these airwaves?)

>>>>>>>BEIJING — Three shoppers died and at least 31 others were injured in a stampede when the doors opened at the start of a sale at a Carrefour supermarket in southwestern China on Saturday, state media reported.
Some shoppers slipped as they rushed through a door to the Carrefour in Chongqing city when the store opened at 8:30 a.m., and those that fell were then crushed by other shoppers, the Web sites of the Xinhua News Agency and People's Daily reported.
The People's Daily said shoppers began lining up outside the store at 4 a.m. to buy discounted rapeseed oil used for cooking.<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Friday, November 09, 2007

The Smell of Freedom

So the other day I'm speaking with a friend about alternative fuels (and chicks and baseball) and he tells me this story from a few years ago about this inventor guy.

Seems the guy built a car that could run on discarded cooking oils from restaurants. He go around to all the area eateries and they would just give him this stuff. And he'd basically drive for free.

He said the only downside was that the exhaust smelled like french fries.

THE DOWNSIDE????!!! Air that smells like french fries has NO downside!

Just imagine a world where the air smelled of the frenched fry! OH. MY. GOD.

It would have to be the end of all wars as we know them. Why would someone want to fight when the air was smelling of fried potatoes?

The worlds economy would change. Every restaurant that didn't serve french fries would be out of business (cuz folks would only dine at places that served the sizzlin' spuds)

Idaho, Ireland, and maybe Maine would be the new Superpowers.

So to sum up:

French Fry air is the best air.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

And folks wonder why folks do drugs.

The beloved Cake sent me this story yesterday....I'll just put in the good part.

>>>>Edwardsville, Ill. (AP) -- Two students at Southern Illinois University in this St. Louis suburb kidnapped, paddled and burned a young man with freshly baked cookies after a drug deal went bad, prosecutors said. <<<<<<


Is that even a punishment?

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

My Doctor Visit

I went to the Doctor yesterday.

Just a routine office visit.

Here is what my doctor did:

1. She took my blood pressure.

2. Listened to my back. (I'm very curious what my back had to say to her)

3. She pushed on my stomach.

4. She listened to my chest.

5. And a nurse took blood.

Here is what I did:

1. When she asked for my age I insisted she tell me hers first (she didn't)

2. I changed the calendar in the exam room from October to November.

3. I asked (and received) a free purple exam glove. (I'll blog another day what I end up doing with it.)

4. I read a magazine about child care and how to work my 'glutes'.

5. I tightened my stomach when she was fishing around my belly so she wouldn't think I was an out of shape old man. (She told me to stop tightening my belly)

What the Doctor DIDN'T do:

1. She didn't check me for cancer.

2. She didn't react at all when I tickled her.

3. She didn't fall for the "I've got your nose" trick.

4. She didn't give me her home phone case I get the cancer late at night.

So to sum up:
I probably have cancer.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Beat Her Womb With Your Giant

I just got some "spam" (junk mail) and the subject box said: 'BEAT HER WOMB WITH YOUR GIANT'

Spam (junk mail) doesn't really bother me. Most of the time I just delete it. No harm done. Once in a while I'll open it because I love the broken English (and British) that's inside.

But today I had to decide....delete or BEAT HER WOMB WITH YOUR GIANT.

Why would anyone want to beat anyone's womb with a giant? Is that fun?

Who likes it the most? The one with the giant or the one with the womb?

Do women really want to date guys that want to beat their wombs with their giant? Does this womb beating bring pleasure? Or is it just another run of the mill beating?

Do women (or folks with wombs) like general beatings or just the kind that involve YOUR GIANT?

Does a woman with a giant womb need her beatings from someone with an even more gigantic Giant?

And when the heck did womb beating get so damn popular? Did I sleep through the whole fad? Was I not informed? Is it just card holders in the Giant club that were notified?

So many questions.

I wonder if a woman could beat a giant with her womb?

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Microscopic Analyses Of Arkansas Slate

To be exact...Black Slate from Mena, out near Big Forks.

This is a pure black slate, which to the unaided eye has an exceedingly fine texture and a remarkably smooth cleavage surface(very sexy) with a light luster. It is both carbonaceous (yeah, right!) and magnetitic: does not effervesce (puts middle finger out) with cold dilute hydrochloric acid (I'm guessing it does), is very sonorous (speak English freak scientist!), and very fissile (English, damn it!)

Under the microscope this slate shows a matrix of muscovite (Boris!), with a very brilliant aggregate polarization (LIAR!) and an unusally fine texture and great homogeneity (snicker).

Quartz grains are few and not over 0.01mm (Yeah,...we all know what that means??) in diameter. Rutile (that can't possibly be a real word) needles unusually minute. Many opaque (not clear) particles of irregular shape, some of which are pyrite (they now run Indian Casinos, correct...The Pyrite Tribe??) others magnetite, and some coaly (can't be a word) or graphitic matter.


So to sum up:

Arkansas has slate.

Friday, November 02, 2007

The Mouse Pad Guy.

Back in the 1990s when computers first started coming into vogue, people needed mouse pads.

A pad for their 'computer mouse'. The clicker think. A Mouse Pad.

And I thought it would be brilliant to find a whole bunch of 'The Mouse Pads' and sell them in my store.

So I went on something called the World Wide Web (dubya dubya dubya) and found numerous suppliers for The Mouse Pads. All different styles and designs. Star Wars and Star Trek. Marilyn Monroe. The Rolling Stones. Tom and Jerry. Cartoons. And on and on.

And then I called up one supplier, ordered some Pads, and waited for them to arrive. And then the supplier (whom I'll now and forever call The Mouse Pad Guy) calls me up to talk about Mouse Pads!!

He started asking about sell-thru and what styles sold best and blah blah blah. No big deal.

And then he called me the next day TO TALK ABOUT MOUSE PADS AGAIN!!!

We discussed 'mouse pad strategy', market penetration, etc.

Mouse Pads.

And then he called the next day.

What if the Beatles wrote songs in that weird British jibber-jabbery way that Brits talk?

1. The Bippy-Loo Of Johnny and Yoko

2. Maxwell's Glibbity Globbity Glam.

3. Meany Mooopsy Poopsy Mustard.

4. Eleanor-Pleanor Rig-Ga-Rooni

5. Sgt. Pibbities Loopity Hoopity Big Time Band.

6. Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da

7. Happiness is Faloob-a-Tootin'.

8. Why Don't We Do It In The Poppity Poopity Poo.

9. Back In The Youbity.Soobity. Soobity. Ruckatoobey.

10. Yonders Flonders Jude!

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Paul Warfield Tibbets Jr

Rest in peace, my friend.

E=3-Musketeers squared.

I just had three 3 Musketeers candy bars* for breakfast.

Does this mean I just had 9 Musketeers?

Does this make me a candy slut?

On the package it says: Whipped Up Fluffy Chocolate on Chocolate Taste.

This concerns me. "Chocolate taste" I don't want chocolate taste. I want chocolate. Whipped up chocolate.

And what about the part that says chocolate on chocolate? Sounds like some kinda racial thing.

I'm content with chocolate on not chocolate. But Whipped Up is good.

Whipped up chocolate. WHIPPED. UP. CHOCOLATE.

That's a good thing.

*The fun size. Which aint really fun. A regular sized 3 Musketeers Bar would be more fun. A regular sized actual Musketeer would be more fun for the ladies.

Even more so if he was covered in chocolate.