The Mosque Man

So this guy comes in my shop the other day. He has a heavy accent.

I can't quite place it. He looks like he's from the Middle East somewhere. India? Maybe Pakistan? Iran?

I have no idea.

Here is the conversation that follows:

HIM: "Do you have a mosque?"

ME: "Do I have a mosque?"

HIM: "Yes...do you have a mosque?"

ME: "Like a statue or model kit of a mosque?"

HIM: "No...a mosque."

ME: "I'm sure there is one in town but I'm a store and don't think I have the room for a mosque."

HIM: "No...a mosque! A mosque!"

ME: "I don't have a mosque."

HIM: "Where can I get a mosque!?"

ME: "I have no idea. I've never even thought about it before."

HIM: "The man down the street said you have mosques."

ME: "The man down the street is wrong. I sell toys and comic books. I don't have a mosque. I don't even go to church."

HIM: "Not mosque, MOSQUE!"

(At this point I'm in an episode of Get Smart..."Not Craw! CRAW!")

ME: "You want a mosque?"

HIM: "Not mosque...MOSQUE!!!"

ME: "Ohhhh...now I get it. A mask. You want a mask?"

HIM: "Yes...a mosque."

ME: "All I have is this Yoda. Would you like the Yoda mask?"

HIM: "No thank you...I'm looking for a different mosque."

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SO TO SUM UP
No wonder there are so many wars.

I can't believe I made this mistake!!!

GUY: "Hi...do you have any robots?"

ME: "Well, I have this here C3PO and this R2-D2."

GUY: "Those are droids. I'm looking for robots."

Smean

WIFEY: "You're smean!"

ME: "I'm not smean."

WIFEY: "I said you're smean!"

ME: "I'm not smean."

WIFEY: "I didn't say smean...I said You Are So Mean!"

ME: "I'm not smean."

Buddy Nite=Gay Wine Night? I think not.

Mel Gibson and The Burger King (or is it the other way around?)

(swiped somewhere online)

Toilet Paper (Bathroom Tissue as it's probably known as in Canada)

So I'm looking at a roll of toilet paper and I notice on the wrapper it states: SEPTIC SYSTEM SAFE.

And I started thinking.

Are there really toilet papers that are UNSAFE for septic systems?

It's toilet paper. It gets flushed.

What could make a toilet paper UNSAFE for a septic system? Is it made out of mercury? Acid? Hair?

It's toilet paper...they are all safe for septic systems.

What would be the point of making unsafe for septic system toilet paper?

(And please don't play the town sewage card)

A short photo-journal from an old LIFE magazine (was someone REALLY blaming their grocer? Really?)

A short photo-journal of a night at Fenway Park.

The guy with the messed up kid.

So I just saw this guy walking with his messed up kid.

Some kind of mental 'condition'. The kid walked funny. Every so often he would just scream out something. Random clapping.

Mental condition.

And I felt bad. But not for the kid.

I felt bad for the Dad.

For the rest of his life this Dad has to take care of this clappin', screamin', mental conditioned kid.

And then it hit me!

This Dad is a better person than I could ever be!

I couldn't do what he does. The love. The caring. The hand holding.

But then about two minutes later I thought about it some more.

I realized I'm probably a better person than Tardo's Dad.

I just don't have kids that walk funny. And scream and stuff.

RIP

Sometimes you get what you ask for.

So yesterday I was with Cousin Saul and we stopped to get a quick bite to eat.

I ordered a 'hot dog'. I used the words 'hot' and 'dog'.

The lady took my order.

When my food arrived I had this ENORMOUS hot dog on my plate! Probably 12-16 inches long (save the jokes, Losers!)

And it was greasy and horrible and everything in between.

So I said to Cousin Saul "Have you ever seen such a thing?"

And Cosuin Saul replied: "It's named Dog-Zilla, what did you expect?"

He wasn't lying. There on the menu board (fancy place, huh?) it mocked me. DOGZILLA $3.95.

By the end of Dogzilla I ended up enjoying him (save the jokes, Losers!)

9/11

I'll never forget that image of the plane hitting that field in Pennsylvania somewhere.

Grass was disturbed. Dirt and dandelions flew everywhere.

Someone might have died.

I don't really remember.

So the Crazy Pastor called off his Koran Burning Party

So what the hell am I supposed to do with these?

Talking and Television.

We've been married a long time.

A long time.

We also watch a lot of TV.

A lot of TV.

Maybe too much TV. I don't know.

And I love talking to Wifey....but now with DVRs there ain't no commercials.

So when to talk??

And I'm feeling a little guilty. Maybe we don't talk enough?

Here is the conversation we had last night:

ME: "We get along real good but do you think we talk enough?"

WIFEY: "You talk too much."

Sorry, but Saturday is reserved for burnin' bibles!

Death

So Wifey and I were talking about death last night.

Here is part of that conversation:

ME: "So how do you think you'll die?"

WIFEY: "I'll probably kill myself."

Dumpster Questions

So last week we decided to do a large purge at the house.

We wanted to clean out the basement, the attic, and the room over the garage.

It was all stuff that at one point thought we'd want later in life. Old folks love broken VCRs and children's books. And old bureaus. And bed frames. Old computers. Christmas decorations.

And stuff.

And stuff.

And stuff.

So we rented one of those huge construction site type dumpsters.

$360.00 and that cost is based on weight.

So I asked the lady at the dumpster place a few questions.

Here is part of that conversation:

ME: "So if the cost is based on weight what happens if it rains and all the stuff I throw in there gets soaked with water?

HER: "What do you mean?"

ME: "For example...if I throw a mattress away won't it absorb the water and weigh way more?"

HER: "It should dry out. By the way...we did tell you that there is an additional charge of $30.00 for throwing away a mattress?

ME: "What about a box spring?"

HER: "Let me check.....:::time::::.....Yup....$30.00."

ME: "But a box spring isn't a mattress....is it?"

HER: "$30.00."

ME: "What if I break up the box spring?"

HER: "Let me check...:::time:::...if you break it up there would be no additional charge."

ME: "So sometimes you DON'T charge for a mattress."

HER: "I guess."

ME: "What else do I get charged extra for?"

HER: "Tires are $25.00."

ME: "What if they are tires from my kid's tri-cycles?"

HER: "Regular sized tires."

ME: "So giant tractor tires are free?"

HER: "Those would be $25.00."

ME: "So not just regular sized tires?"

HER: "Correct."

ME: "Anything else?"

HER: "Appliances are $40.00."

ME: "So I'm gonna be charged $40.00 for trhowing away a $10.00 toaster!!!???"

HER: "Large appliances."

ME: "Is a blender a large appliance?"

HER: "No."

ME: "Pasta maker?"

HER: "No."

ME: "Ice cream maker?"

HER: "No."

ME: "Bread maker?"

HER: "No."

ME: "So what is a large appliance?"

HER: "Washer and dryer. Ovens.

ME: "What about a toaster oven. That's an oven."

HER: "Are you having fun?"

ME: "I just don't like surprises."

HER: "Any other questions?"

ME: "I just want to get something straight...I'm paying $360.00 to get rid of my trash but you charge me extra for trash."

HER: "Yes."

ME: "Thank you."

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This is the shortened version of the actual conversation. At one point I was making up appliances and she stayed professional the whole time.

Happy Labor Day!

I've clearly given up.

I've got nothing.

Notice how Wifey doesn't like to be told what to do.

Reason #37 why women don't like to shop at comic book stores.

LOIS: "Oh, you have Silly Bandz!"

ME: "Yup...they came in last week."

LOIS(looking at my bare wrists): "You should put some on!"

ME: "I have some on."

Q:How many Russians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: One.