Stinkin' to high Heaven

So I pull into my driveway the other night and open the garage door.

Sitting on the stairs that go to my house is a skunk!

I'm in the driveway. I flick my high beams at him. (Or was it a her?)

LePew just stares at me.

Years ago we had a skunk in the garage and it took hours for him (her?) to leave.

So I phoned Wifey.

ME: "Did you leave something on the stairs? It looks like a skunk."

WIFEY: "No. I'll go check."

--

So I'm in the safety of my car.

Headlights shining on Skunky.

Wifey slowly opens the door and SCREAMS!!

And then she does the stupid!

SHE KICKS THE SKUNK IN THE ASS!!

And then goes back in the house.

She gets back on phone and says the skunk is dead.

I'm still not going in the garage.

So I get out of my car and run into the house through the front door.

Wifey starts laughing at me.

The skunk is a fake skunk.

Well, actually the skunk was a real skunk.

He was just dead and stuffed.

And on my stairs in my garage.

SO TO SUM UP:
Wifey has a dead stuffed real skunk and she's not afraid to use it.

The "Sturbridge Village" Insurance Agency.

INSURANCE AGENT: "So, if you'll just fax me back that paperwork I'll get right on it."

ME: "Fax? Do you mind if I finish churning the butter first?"

INSURANCE AGENT: "I don't know what you mean."

ME: "Do people still churn butter?"

INSURANCE AGENT: "You're confusing me."

ME: "Do people still really fax?"

INSURANCE AGENT: "Not often."

ME: "Thank you."

Jesus in a blanket

Someone just pointed out to me that if you say 'JESUS' backwards it sounds like 'sausage'.

If only Jesus tasted like sausage...

Young King Cole

Life.

Right.

Baby Talk.

Mosquito.

---

Say "Mommy!" one more time

and I will kill you.

Rocky

So we were watching Rocky last night (Not babysitting for a kid named Rocky, watching a movie named Rocky)

Anyhow...


So it's near the end of the movie. Rocky and Apollo Creed are boxers and are duking it out in a championship match.

A vicious battle.

Back and forth.

Face punches.

Body shots.

Blood. Sweat. Tears.

Round 4. Round 8.

Beating the crap out of each other.

12th round. 14th.

The end of the fight.

Rocky has fullfilled his dream...he's gone toe to toe with the champ for 15 brutal rounds.

He looks for his girl in the crowd.

She is making her way thru the stands.

She gets to the ring.

She climbs inside the boxing ring.

She embraces a bloodied Rocky!!

The music swells! The credits rolls.

One of the greatest movies of all time ends.

My heart is pounding.

WOW!

And then my Wife speaks:

WIFEY: "Stupid."

I'm not sure why.

So the computer companies call them 'notebooks'.

We don't. We call them laptops.

But the computer companies won't budge.

I'm not sure why.



And the phone companies call them 'mobile phones'.

We don't. We call them cellphones.

Or the cool people call them iPhones.

Nobody has ever called them mobile phones.

Except for the companies.

I'm not sure why.

And then there is Cousin Saul.

Cousin Saul likes to call it 'Kleenex brand facial tissues'

We don't. We call them Kleenex.

Nobody else calls them Kleenex brand facial tissues.

Except for Cousin Saul.

I'm not sure why.