Sunday, June 23, 2013


GAL: "Nobody has ever called me an asshole before."

ME: "Maybe not to your face..."

Tuesday, June 18, 2013


POSSIBLY MENTAL CUSTOMER:  "Do you think tornadoes have faces?"

ME: "No."

POSSIBLY MENTAL CUSTOMER:  "Oh....I always thought they did."

Saturday, June 15, 2013

I wanted a hot dog.

Last night I'm at a concert.

I'm hungry...I want a hot dog. I go stand in line for said hot dog.


Waiting in line.

A woman turns to me.

Here is the conversation:

WOMAN: "What are you doing?"

ME: "I'm waiting in line."

WOMAN: "For what?"

ME: "A hot dog."

WOMAN: "Seems to me that you're more interested in buns."

ME: "Huh?"

WOMAN: "This is the line for the ladies room."

Thursday, June 13, 2013

And the winner is...

So a few months ago The Rolling Stones announced a tour. Two shows in on a Wednesday, one on a Friday.
Hoag wants to go to both but I'm busy on Wednesdays.
He buys tickets for both shows...$600.00 a ticket. I'll just go to the Friday show with him, he'll take someone else for the Wednesday show.
The Stones rolled into town last night.
It was around 5:00 in the afternoon on Wednesday and it started gnawing at me that I wasn't going to the show. I had no tickets, I had to work, etc.
I texted Wifey. Meet me at the shop and we'll try to sneak into the show. If we can't get in we'll just have dinner and hang around outside the Garden.  (I could practically feel the eyeroll)
But she sacked up and said ok.
We drive in the Boston Garden. Park the car. Go inside.
I see a cop. He asks what I'm doing. I reply: "I want tickets." He points to a ticket window. I ask for two of the cheapest tickets (I've seen the Stones dozens of times...I dont need $600.00 tickets) ...I score two $150.00 seats.
I escort my bride to her seat and then go back out to get some hot dogs and drinks.
Who do I bump into? Yup...Mister $600.00 seats himself...Hoag!
He starts cracking up that I got in. We compare tickets. We are in the same EXACT section!!
But I'm seven rows IN FRONT of him!!!
He looks perplexed.
He spent $900.00 extra on crappier seats.
I smile.  Stuff like this has happened before.
Wifey thinks I'm lucky.
I make my own luck.
So who is the winner?
You're probably thinking me, correct?
That would be a good guess.
Until I get to my seat.
Hoag texts me from seven rows behind me.
He texts me a picture of the back of my head.
I have a bald spot!!!
And that my friends is why Hoag is the winner and still champion!

Wednesday, June 12, 2013


I need you to pretend that the following happened to me last night.

If I told you it actually happened about two months ago you would think I'm fake ranting.

But it happened last ::winkwink:: night.

I got some sardines.

I went to get the saltine crackers.

"Hey Honey...where are the saltines?"

"In the drawer!"

So I look in the drawer.

I see a box.

The box states that they are indeed saltines.

I open the box.


The saltines aren't in protective sleeves! The saltines are just kinda in the box as if they were cereal! Or something.

That's not the worst part!!!


What the heck is that all about???

Round and saltines just don't go together.

It's stupid.

I look at the tin of sardines.

I look at round saltines.

How bad could it possibly be?


Round saltines are the devil's food.

The sardine kinda doesn't fit.

I don't think they put as much salt on the ine.

I hope that the guy who invented round saltines gets the throat cancer.

Monday, June 10, 2013

86 dollars.

So I go into Home Depot recently to buy some stuff.

The lady scans my items.

Here is the conversation that follows:

LADY: "And that will be eighty six dollars and....OH MY GOD! That will be eighyt six dollars on the nose! Can you believe that? Eighty six dollars even! That's SO weird! That never happens!! Eighty six dollars even!"

ME: "Wow."

Thursday, June 06, 2013

They Fix Lamps

So I'm driving down the road today when I spot a sign on the side of the road.


So I thought to myself: "What would I do if one of my lamps didnt work?"

I'd buy a new one.

It would never occur to me to fix a lamp.

I can see a lamp smashing to pieces if it fell off a table or something....but do lamps ever really stop working?


I've never heard of such a thing.

"Honey! The lamp isn't working again!! Call the repair guy!!"

Two things happen to lamps...

1. They fall on the floor and smash into a million pieces.


2. They work forever.

WE FIX LAMPS guy is probably not wealthy.

He's also pretty lonely.

And what's with the sign saying 'WE'????

Is there really a bunch of guys "fixing" lamps?

A massive building filled with lonely guys not doing anything?

They Fix Lamps.

Sunday, June 02, 2013

Printer Ink

So today I received some 'spam' (unwanted advertising via electronic "mail") and it proudly proclaimed "Now get printer ink even easier!"


Is getting printer ink difficult?

I usually have to walk about 14 feet into an Office Max to get mine.

Sometimes I have to enter my credit card number online and then wait for it to be sent to me.

I'm exhausted.

I wish there was an easier way to get...Printer Ink!

Saturday, June 01, 2013


I just met a girl named Kayleigh.

I wanted to punch her parents for naming her Kayleigh.