Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Boomer and the Crunch Bunch

So the picture says I LOVE CVS but the story is really about Macy's.

A couple of weeks ago I went to Macy's to buy a suit, a shirt and a tie.

My first ever suit. I'm a grown-up now.

The guy with the tape measure around his neck helped me out, measured me up, suggested a tie, etc.

He put the wax marks on my suit for the alterations that I would need. He took down my name and phone number. He even gave me HIS employee discount on my purchase.

(was he hitting on me?)

Anyhow...he said it would take a couple of weeks to get the suit back from the tailor and that they would call me (that's why he took my phone number)

My cell phone rings today.

I pick up the phone. Here is the conversation:

ME: "Hello?"

CINDY: "Hi...is Steve there?"

ME: "This is Steve. May I help you?"

CINDY: "Well...my name is Cindy and I work at the CVS in FARAWAY-TOWN."

ME: "And....?"

CINDY:  "Well, today UPS delivered a package to me here and I thought it was for my husband but I think it's for you."

ME: "What's in the package...my OXY?"

CINDY: "It's a man's suit."

ME: "What man?"

CINDY: "It's a new suit from Macy's."

ME: "Crap...that's MY suit!! For my daughter's wedding!!"

CINDY: "I order a lot from Macy's...someohow they shipped it to me by mistake."

ME: "Can you ship it to me?"

CINDY: "Yes."

blah blah blah details address thank you laughs etc


The point of the story?

My first daughter is getting married and I bought my first suit ever.

.... and it's coming from a drug store.

And for some reason that amuses me.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Rules of the Wedding

My daughter is getting married this year.

Last night my wife told me the rules of the wedding:

1. "Don't just be goofing around with Hoagy all night."

There were no other rules.

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Where Hitler and Stalin first met.

(Or was this where me and Hoagy first met?)

So the ugliest woman that ever walked the face of the planet dies and all of the news agencies only report on Helen Thomas dying.

Typical left leaning media.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

RIP Weasel

One of my long time good friends died today.

Two things you need to know about him:

1. He wasn't an asshole.

2. He was the driver of the car in the infamous bowling shoe caper of 1975.

Monday, July 15, 2013

More thoughts on Trayvon

So Trayvon was basically found guilty of assault, correct?

I'm thinking maybe George Zimmerman should sue Trayvon's family for emotional distress and court costs.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Cyndi Lauper

Somehow I ended up at a Cyndi Lauper concert last night.

One guy kept rushing the stage. The security would kinda drag him back to his seat.

He would rush it again.

Security would bring him back to his seat.

This went on a handful of times.

Wifey then leans over to me and informs me that Cyndi Lauper is an advocate for retarded people.

Apparently the guy rishing the stage was a retard!

(as am I for attending a Cyndi Lauper concert)

What else do you need to know about the Cyndi Lauper "concert"?

We walked out after the 6th song and demanded our money back.

Why did we walk out?

Because the bitch doesnt stop TALKING!!!  We paid to listen to her sing.


You know on the internet someone will claim SOMETHING. IS. THE. WORST. THING. EVER!!?


Saturday, July 13, 2013

The Trayvon Martin Trial

It's now in the hands of the jury.

We've seen and heard the evidence.

We know for a FACT that Trayvon had Skittles with him. SKITTLES!

We know for a FACT that Trayvon wore a sweatshirt with a hood on it.

We know for a FACT that Trayvon's skin was brown/black.

We know for a FACT that Trayvon was walking through a neighborhood.

If that's not enough to convict him I don't know what is.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Store Hours

I have a small shop.

Here is a conversation in said shop:

GUY: "Finally! You're open!"

ME: "What do you mean?"

GUY: "You're always closed when I come down."

ME: "You should probably come down when I'm open."

GUY: "You're never open."

ME: "Actually I've been open every day for thirty years except for Christmas and Thanksgiving."

GUY: "Not when I come down."

ME: "You should come down during our store hours."

GUY: "What are those?"

ME: "The hours when you don't come down."

Friday, July 05, 2013


I just found out PETA is all mad at me cuz I compared a large disfigured woman to a gorilla.

Oh, well....