tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-229177392024-03-12T19:00:03.138-04:00I Ain't No OprahIt's a gas, gas, gas!I Ain't No Oprahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14144178033176760758noreply@blogger.comBlogger2273125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22917739.post-47574046957373410362016-10-28T18:17:00.000-04:002016-10-28T18:20:03.036-04:00I Ain't No Oprahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14144178033176760758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22917739.post-43537810733719926262016-08-29T17:32:00.000-04:002016-08-29T17:32:01.602-04:00 A man drink like that and he don't eat, he is going to DIE. When?
Rest in Peace Waco Kid.I Ain't No Oprahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14144178033176760758noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22917739.post-81116946108844220662016-03-04T15:33:00.003-05:002016-03-04T15:33:15.361-05:00Hillary's Hands.I wonder how big they are?I Ain't No Oprahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14144178033176760758noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22917739.post-42738985338224276692016-02-28T15:31:00.001-05:002016-02-28T15:31:12.792-05:00RIP JayneShe died today.
Somehow years ago she stumbled upon our blogs and became a good friend.
She will be missed.I Ain't No Oprahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14144178033176760758noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22917739.post-64647648001812530252015-12-31T11:39:00.002-05:002015-12-31T11:39:31.972-05:00New Year's Revolution<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/BGLGzRXY5Bw" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>I Ain't No Oprahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14144178033176760758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22917739.post-64108515647982883342015-11-21T10:22:00.002-05:002015-11-21T10:22:14.948-05:00Just checking to see if my bookmark still worked.Riveting, huh?I Ain't No Oprahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14144178033176760758noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22917739.post-90045470679561965842015-08-13T15:40:00.001-04:002015-08-13T15:40:42.756-04:00Trump VS HillarySo I was talking to a friend yesterday about the coming election.<br />
<br />
Here is that conversation:<br />
<br />
ME: "So if the election was today and it was Hillary VS Trump who would you vote for?"<br />
<br />
HIM: "Hillary."<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
Now if that ain't the most adorable thing you've heard in years I don't know what is.<br />
<br />
<br />I Ain't No Oprahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14144178033176760758noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22917739.post-6187136171161184042015-02-26T17:39:00.002-05:002015-02-26T17:39:46.756-05:00Customer was a black guyCUSTOMER: "Do you remember me?"<br />
<br />
ME: "No...what's your name?"<br />
<br />
CUSTOMER: "Soon it will be....Black Tiger!"<br />
<br />
ME: "Black Tiger?"<br />
<br />
CUSTOMER: "Soon."<br />
<br />
ME: "Black Tiger."<br />
<br />
CUSTOMER: "Do you remember that book I bought last time?"<br />
<br />
ME: "No."<br />
<br />
<br />I Ain't No Oprahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14144178033176760758noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22917739.post-86030245301121197282015-02-13T15:32:00.000-05:002015-02-13T15:32:15.532-05:00SnowI'm outside the other day in front of my workplace clearing some snow. Sweeping the sidewalk. Etc.<br />
<br />
I look around...across the street at the sew/vac place are the usual white suspects taking a cigarette break. Across the street is the chinese guy throwing down ice melt. Walking down the sidewalk are two black broads. Walking down the sidewalk from the other direction looked like a hodgepodge of ethnicity walking my way.<br />
<br />
I shovel a bit more...and then look up and notice this small ledge that is under my sign. Its piled high with snow. I decided to remove said snow using my push broom (normally I use a longer squee-gee thingy)<br />
<br />
So I reach up with the push broom to pull the snow off.<br />
<br />
Yup, you guessed it...all the snow came falling down right on me. I was covered. It was all over my sweatshirt...in the hood. All over my hair. My shoes.<br />
<br />
I started laughing.<br />
<br />
The white sew/vac folks started laughing.<br />
<br />
Chinese guy started laughing.<br />
<br />
The two black chicks started laughing.<br />
<br />
(I'm not sure if the hodgepodge group noticed.)<br />
<br />
For about fifteen seconds a bunch of strangers enjoyed laughing at the snow. And at me.<br />
<br />
<br />
Moral of the story?<br />
Snow falling on an old white guy is usually funny. <br />
<br />
<br />---------<br />
(the race of the people on the street has no bearing on this story whatsoever....though black broads have great big hearty guffaws!) <br />
<br />
I Ain't No Oprahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14144178033176760758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22917739.post-9358622216274840852015-02-07T15:52:00.002-05:002015-02-07T15:52:31.040-05:00NetDixANYBODY: "So....what did you do last night?"<br />
<br />
ME: "I watched TV."<br />
<br />
Simple, right?<br />
<br />
WRONG!!<br />
<br />
Ask someone under 30 what they did.<br />
<br />
ME: "What did you do last night?"<br />
<br />
A$$HOLE: "I watched Netflix.<br />
<br />
(they actually watched some old network show) <br />
<br />
----<br />
<br />
Why can't these super cool people just say they watched TV? NETFLIX IS TV!!!!!<br />
<br />
You just pay for it!!!<br />
<br />
I don't say "I watched HBO."<br />
<br />
I watched TV.<br />
<br />
Or I could say "I watched a movie...at home."<br />
<br />
But these NetDix insist on telling you that they watched a movie on NetFlix.<br />
<br />
I wish I was cool. <br />
<br />
(I have Netflix at home...for the most part it's a bunch of old crap I watched years ago.)<br />
<br />
Though I do love watching me some TCM.....<br />
<br />
<br />I Ain't No Oprahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14144178033176760758noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22917739.post-89883383528704923892015-01-31T16:04:00.001-05:002015-01-31T16:04:36.331-05:00BEER ConversationGUY: "You smell like beer."<br />
<br />
ME: "I just had a beer with lunch."<br />
<br />
GUY: "What did you have for lunch?"<br />
<br />
ME: "Beer."I Ain't No Oprahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14144178033176760758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22917739.post-5873953566590533042014-10-06T16:44:00.003-04:002014-10-06T16:44:50.201-04:00My job here is done.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzakfzFVAR5CErpVfyp0_wjTJiYGTlEB7SczactgFQ35uIuSTwRIs5VmMjVFk8fW2BbUXLSandZHgpNuGBAgoaoZh7cQtpMZVXTlQXNvY1f4AGUeGaYtOiEAbKEJKmV7RDPYPFog/s1600/skh.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzakfzFVAR5CErpVfyp0_wjTJiYGTlEB7SczactgFQ35uIuSTwRIs5VmMjVFk8fW2BbUXLSandZHgpNuGBAgoaoZh7cQtpMZVXTlQXNvY1f4AGUeGaYtOiEAbKEJKmV7RDPYPFog/s1600/skh.gif" height="180" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />I Ain't No Oprahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14144178033176760758noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22917739.post-54649040887744819412014-09-04T18:14:00.000-04:002014-09-04T18:14:12.565-04:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQYgSTyBnDlnWvgrWv7w01E2Nm4EhqhBKJickp2yYJOPAtPsAj_cdk_VCanofoLWNDqWJKDboekRjVQncxNwOPROwanBgn_Yjlmo4yXyyryoAheUV914aTjkdHZWBCLCh2fZEIHg/s1600/jjj.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQYgSTyBnDlnWvgrWv7w01E2Nm4EhqhBKJickp2yYJOPAtPsAj_cdk_VCanofoLWNDqWJKDboekRjVQncxNwOPROwanBgn_Yjlmo4yXyyryoAheUV914aTjkdHZWBCLCh2fZEIHg/s1600/jjj.png" /></a></div>
<br />I Ain't No Oprahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14144178033176760758noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22917739.post-67276819607955319802014-08-28T15:58:00.001-04:002014-08-28T15:58:24.870-04:00A joke.A male porn star is out in his yard raking leaves when he spots his neighbor outside. They start talking about this and that...small talk mostly.<br />
<br />
Here is the good part of the conversation:<br />
<br />
PORNSTAR: "So what did you do last night?"<br />
<br />
MAN NEIGHBOR: "I went out on a blind date."<br />
<br />
PORNSTAR: "How was it?"<br />
<br />
MAN NEIGHBOR: "Eh. It was okay...we only got to first base."<br />
<br />
PORNSTAR: "That's too bad....but at least you got your ass licked."<br />
<br />
--------<br />
<br />
<br />I Ain't No Oprahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14144178033176760758noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22917739.post-6125484299495107482014-07-31T13:29:00.002-04:002014-07-31T13:29:48.206-04:00New checks.This morning I was writing out a few checks to suppliers when I noticed I was running low on blank checks.<br />
<br />
I went to the little box I keep checks in and pulled out the little reorder form.<br />
<br />
In bold letters it said:<br />
<br />
REORDERING CHECKS HAS NEVER BEEN EASIER!<br />
<br />
And then it proceeded to tell me how to go about it online or on the phone.<br />
<br />
I used to just say to a bank teller: "I need more checks." And she took care of it (bank tellers are women)<br />
<br />
SO IT'S NOT EASIER NOW!!<br />
<br />
Lying pricks!<br />
<br />
I Ain't No Oprahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14144178033176760758noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22917739.post-32576824054648219132014-07-24T14:09:00.000-04:002014-07-24T14:09:57.112-04:00BATMAN DAYCUSTOMER: "Is today Batman Day?"<br />
<br />
ME: "No...yesterday was."<br />
<br />
CUSTOMER: "What is today?"<br />
<br />
ME: "Thursday."I Ain't No Oprahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14144178033176760758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22917739.post-32045325084741010962014-07-09T17:56:00.002-04:002014-07-09T17:56:30.391-04:00The PriestSo about an hour ago a priest came into my shop. He was young...maybe early 30s. First time in.<br />
<br />
We started taking about toys and stuff. We seemed to be hitting it off well.<br />
<br />
Here is the rest of the conversation:<br />
<br />
ME: "Are you really a priest?"<br />
<br />
PRIEST: "Yes."<br />
<br />
ME: "You seem kinda short to be a priest."<br />
<br />
PRIEST: "How tall are priests supposed to be?"<br />
<br />
ME: "I think around 5' 10" or taller."<br />
<br />
PRIEST: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"<br />
<br />
ME: :::smiling:::<br />
<br />
----<br />
<br />
<br />I Ain't No Oprahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14144178033176760758noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22917739.post-9392738276914369632014-06-28T15:59:00.001-04:002014-06-28T16:00:30.373-04:00Amazon Woman....Bang! Zoom! To the Moon!MOM TO DAUGHTER: "So just look around the store, pick out what you want, and I'll order it from Amazon."<br />
<br />
ME: "You do know I'm standing right here, correct?"I Ain't No Oprahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14144178033176760758noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22917739.post-49979962147894604832014-06-14T10:31:00.000-04:002014-06-14T10:31:02.866-04:00How did I miss this before?? <object width="420" height="315"><param name="movie" value="//www.youtube.com/v/UWWLwtMLWCI?version=3&hl=en_US"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="//www.youtube.com/v/UWWLwtMLWCI?version=3&hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="420" height="315" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object>I Ain't No Oprahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14144178033176760758noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22917739.post-24991910695841120652014-05-31T12:46:00.001-04:002014-05-31T12:46:17.687-04:00Balls.A woman in her late sixties came in my shop the other day. Here is that conversation.<br />
<br />
WOMAN: "Hello...do you have balls?"<br />
<br />
ME: "Yes....what kind are you looking for?"<br />
<br />
WOMAN: "I want some nice ones that will fit in my hand."<br />
<br />
ME: "How about these?" [I showed her my balls]<br />
<br />
WOMAN: "No...those are a tad too small?"<br />
<br />
ME: "Would you like some the size of a baseball?"<br />
<br />
WOMAN: "That size but something more squeezable." <br />
<br />
ME: "Nope....just these hard ones. Try the guy down at the Dollar Store...I'm sure he has some."<br />
<br />
WOMAN: "That's a good idea! Thanks for your help."<br />
<br />
----------<br />
<br />
(I kept a straight face the whole time. )<br />
<br />
<br />I Ain't No Oprahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14144178033176760758noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22917739.post-13787402817427932402014-05-28T11:53:00.002-04:002014-05-28T11:53:28.045-04:00The Leather Jacket.In my shop I'm selling a leather jacket.
<br />
<br />
A guy came in the other day and started looking at it. Touching it. Asking about it.
<br />
<br />
Here is that riveting conversation:
<br />
<br />
GUY: "Is this a real jacket?"
<br />
<br />
ME: "Yes."I Ain't No Oprahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14144178033176760758noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22917739.post-75023780539034262792014-05-26T14:55:00.001-04:002014-05-26T14:55:41.375-04:00<object width="560" height="315"><param name="movie" value="//www.youtube.com/v/xLw73qBUMYw?version=3&hl=en_US"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="//www.youtube.com/v/xLw73qBUMYw?version=3&hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="560" height="315" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object>I Ain't No Oprahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14144178033176760758noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22917739.post-80554376047266917132014-05-20T17:27:00.000-04:002014-05-20T17:27:11.252-04:00GLUTEN SUFFERING FRIENDS<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt19u2es5Qkmbw6BMqt0wWgzsisfrQ0BisRwiaKJFgRu7GHTZMedyXkJCOILzyZct5OiUFhyJJQ85h6bmyWs6IFau8oD-Pq61mfkGdwgsDGK9imxvIfiy72RiOZ6hW_h2Mt3IM3A/s1600/camel.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt19u2es5Qkmbw6BMqt0wWgzsisfrQ0BisRwiaKJFgRu7GHTZMedyXkJCOILzyZct5OiUFhyJJQ85h6bmyWs6IFau8oD-Pq61mfkGdwgsDGK9imxvIfiy72RiOZ6hW_h2Mt3IM3A/s1600/camel.jpg" height="320" width="239" /></a></div>
I was away over the weekend and I saw this dude. So did thousands of other people as they walked by. Most people pretended he was invisible. I didn't.<br />
<br />
I pulled out five bucks and showed it to him.<br />
<br />
He nodded.<br />
<br />
I asked if I could trade him the five dollars for a picture of him.<br />
<br />
He nodded.<br />
<br />
I've seen lots of bums in my day (::winkwink::) but I have never quite seen one with such a compelling sign.<br />
<br />
Was it genius? Or not so genius?<br />
<br />
I'm leaning towards genius and here's why...<br />
<br />
I'm gonna assume that most women would be frightened by this creep...so regardless of what his sign said they wouldn't stop and give him spare change anyhow.<br />
<br />
Now we have the other half of the population.<br />
<br />
I'm thinking this homeless hobo makes some good money per day...it's just SOOOOOO wrong but yet somehow very funny.<br />
<br />
SAVE THE WHALES? Not another glance.<br />
<br />
FREE TIBET? Huh?<br />
<br />
HELP OUR GLUTEN SUFFERING FRIENDS? Eh?<br />
<br />
But SAVE CAMEL TOES????<br />
<br />
Five bucks. Everytime.<br />
<br />
-------<br />
<br />
PS: My greatest fear about this whole episode is that my homeless hobo friend can't read and he asked some 'friend' of his to make the sign for him. (Homeless guy probably wanted his sign to read: HELP OUR GLUTEN SUFFERING FRIENDS)<br />
<br />
Greatest practical joke ever? Possibly. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />I Ain't No Oprahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14144178033176760758noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22917739.post-69853546733219700442014-05-14T14:55:00.004-04:002014-05-14T14:59:32.070-04:00We'll call this story Mount Fuji because I don't know how to spell Mount Kilimanjaro<br />
Sometimes at my shop people will ask to use the bathroom. The vast majority of them use it the way it's supposed to be used.<br />
<br />
But I'm always on Bathrrom Alert after someone uses it. I'd hate for it to be gross when the next person goes in....so I always check it right after someone is done (after they leave the store, of course)<br />
<br />
For some reason kids don't always flush the toilet. I put that in the gross category.<br />
<br />
How does a parent put up with a kid that doesnt flush? I don't want to see his urine!!<br />
<br />
I especially don't want to see his poop.<br />
<br />
And now here comes the story:<br />
<br />
The other day a fat little cretin asked to use my bathroom. I said yes.<br />
<br />
He went in and very quickly afterwards he was done. WHEW!<br />
<br />
No cleaning up a big potty for me. But I checked the bathroom anyhow after he left.<br />
<br />
The motherfucker left me a gigantic bowel movement in the toilet!<br />
<br />
I looked at it. I was angry.<br />
<br />
How does someone just leave that in my toilet???<br />
<br />
Then I looked again. It was huge. I looked again.<br />
<br />
I was shocked at what I saw....or should I say what I didn't see???<br />
<br />
There was no toilet paper in the bowl!!!<br />
<br />
He left me a Mount Fuji and he didnt use toilet paper!!!!!<br />
<br />
Who does that?<br />
<br />
I'll tell you who does that...Fat Little Cretins do that!!<br />
<br />
<br />I Ain't No Oprahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14144178033176760758noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22917739.post-28655807327233760272014-05-11T13:57:00.002-04:002014-05-11T13:57:08.520-04:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhW9t2Umt3PgbDzWvYANESlUe45xz0Zf56RQKxc_QMompSb_5d9vDuNG3R0JVr5Hm5ItoH79bwr0hyyzoz6LVWFy6zU7ylAHKeNhcYM4F5cwVKIH9UkMDcRpnrSTwLbD3jMahfgMA/s1600/frank.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhW9t2Umt3PgbDzWvYANESlUe45xz0Zf56RQKxc_QMompSb_5d9vDuNG3R0JVr5Hm5ItoH79bwr0hyyzoz6LVWFy6zU7ylAHKeNhcYM4F5cwVKIH9UkMDcRpnrSTwLbD3jMahfgMA/s1600/frank.jpg" height="320" width="235" /></a></div>
<br />I Ain't No Oprahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14144178033176760758noreply@blogger.com0