If I Was In Charge Of The Boston Red Sox

1. First off, I'd saddle up all of these grandmas and ship their asses out of Boston.

2. Then I'd take that Coney Island Maniac, Julian Tavares, and put him in the bullpen. He would be replaced by Kason (when the Schill comes back)

3. Then I'd take Wily Mo Pena and stick a ballpeen hammer in his eye (actually I'd just trade his butt to Baltimore for Kevin Millar)

4. The hitting coach? The Red Sox have a hitting coach? I hadn't noticed.

5. JD Drew? First I'd get him some new summer dresses and see how that works. If that does no good maybe I'd just have him get his vagina cleaned or whatever the heck it is they do to mens vaginas.

6. Lugo? Kidney punch!

And those are my 6 surefire ways of jump starting this pathetic excuse for a baseball team.

It's make up a new catchphrase day today!

Not really.

But were gonna anyhow.

1. "It's like doin' the dishes!"

2. "I'll pops ya one!"

3. "The Alamo....that's all I'm sayin'"

4. "Ta-ta, Black Sheep."

5. "Coney Island Maniac!"

6. "Pig in a Blanket"

7. "He went all Captain Kirk"

8." Verizon be lie-zin !"

(That's all I've got)

Possibly another phone rant.

So the other day I'm on Verizon's website looking at phones and they have this wonerful site.

Easy to browse. Clear cut instructions. Good overview of all phones and service plans. And on and on.

But then they have this feature where you click on the phone you want and it gives the dimensions of said phone and even has a little 3-d like thing where the phone spins around 360 degrees so you can see all the sides of it. Good so far, correct?

Then it has a little thing you click on where you can compare it's size to items you KNOW what the size is.

For example:
They show the phone next to a standard deck of playing cards. Bingo! You know just what that phones size will be in relation to a deck of cards. Good feature to have on a website, correct?

Then they show the same phone next to a pad of Post-It Notes....so you know what you phones size will be next to a pad of Post-It Notes.

WRONG!!!!

There are dozens and dozens of sizes of pads of Post It Notes. It helps not one iota.

But of course a genius like me just looks at the dimensions of said phone and understands exactly what size of Post-It Notes he needs to buy.

It's my phone number. It's what you asked for.

I'm filling out this online order the other day and 'they' asked for my phone number.

So I typed in my phone number. 1-111-111-1111. 1 followed by area code followed by 7 digit number. 11 numbers total. You know....a phone number.

So after I get done filling out this long and tedious order,the online form pops back up telling me my phone number is incorrect.

Well, guess what? They are incorrect. I typed in the correct number the first time, but I typed it in this time leaving out the first 1. For no real reason.

Bingo!

So now my correct phone number is 111 (area code) 111-1111 (the the 7 digit 'regular number')

Now if you dial that 111-111-1111 the operator comes on and says you need to dial a one before the number.

YOU MEAN MY FUCKING 11 NOT 10 DIGIT PHONE NUMBER YOU FUCKING AUTOMATED ONLINE DOUCEBAG ORDERFORM!!!???

Spell it out for us retards okay? Cuz when someone asks for my phone number I should read their brainac like mind and leave out one digit. Because when someone asks for your phone number what they REALLY want is a partial phone number.

I hate you Verizon! And your bitch cousins, Cingular and AT &T.

(Though I feel kinda sorry for Sprint and Nextel)

And next time those dicks ask where I live I'm just gonna type in America. Cuz that's probably what they meant, correct?

Imagine if the Beatles were baseball fans...

Back in the 1960s there was a popular rock and roll band in England called the Beatles.

Imagine if they were Americans and sang about baseball...THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN HUGE IN AMERICA!

Here are a few of their possible songs:

1. All My Glovin'

2. Back in The ALCS

3. Eleanor Remdawg

4. Let it Be Foul

5. Say Hey Jude!

6. Leave My Mitt Alone

7. Denny Laine

8. Eight Games a Week

9. The Ballad of John and Coco

10. The Long and Winding Dusty Rhodes

11. Why Don't We Do It On A Roadtrip

12. I Wanna Be Your Manny

An open letter to serial killers.

Dear Serial Killers,

What the hell is going on with you guys? You've been slacking BIG TIME in the creative department lately.

Which one of you losers is gonna step up to the plate and be the next Son of Sam, the next Ted Bundy, the next Zodiac?

Bunch of sissies.

Come on, start hacking some folk up and leave clues! Taunt the police! Have a theme! Get a catchy nickname! Travel the country leaving a trail of carnage in your wake!

You can do it!

Time for another acronym game.

Because Bacon Ace demanded it!

He did. Really.

You know the rules...make a sentence using these letters as the first letter of your words.

Today's special bonus subject will be PREGNANT. Use that word and get lots and lots of bonus points.

Here are your random (except for the letter P) letters:

r-n-p-g-t-w

A simple story. A simple solution.

Years ago this gal lived next door to me and we were the best of friends. Always laughing and having fun.

Maybe even a slight crush.

She moved away.

And then one day maybe ten years later I saw her in a restaurant. A bit of small talk.

Here is how it went:

ME: "So how have you been?"

BECKYJEAN: "Great!"

ME: ::gesturing towards her stomach:: "So when's the baby due?"

BECKYJEAN: "I'm not pregnant."

ME: "Oh."

...and I haven't seen her since.

Moral of the story:

If you look like you're pregnant but aint, wear a sign around your neck that says : I AINT PREGNANT.

NAACP buries the wrong word !!

So the other day the NAACP (National Association of African-American People) had a mock funeral and 'buried' the N-word. Really.

(I'm sure Whitey McPale dug it up three seconds later)

But anyhow...

The real word that should have been buried is:

MASKS.

The plural of mask.

Say it out loud....masks. Make sure you say the plural. Masks.

Notice at the end of the word you have that little skip that doesn't sound correct...the ska-ska sound?

I said say it out loud. Dumbest word ever. Ska-ska. It should flow like other plural words but it don't. Masks. Drives me nuts. Mask ska ska.

Where the heck is the NAACP (National Association of American Afirican-American Associated Society Of Non-White Colored Black Negroes) when you really need them.

Masks ska-ska.

Pancakes save marriage!

Why I've never divorced my wife:

Came home last night to two large stacks of buttermilk pancakes.

And butter. (the butter wasn't in two large stacks)

And milk (the milk wasn't in stacks either)

And for all you women trying to salvage your marriage, you can't just make pancakes everyday and expect him to stick around.

The key to marriage saving pancakes is that they only show up every six weeks or so.

Or maybe every five weeks.

The umbrella story.

So today I'm coming into work and it's raining fairly heavy when I notice this woman pushing a stroller with a child in it.

Now this woman was pretty smart because she had this clear like covering over the stroller protecting her child from the rain.

She was also holding an umbrella to protect herself from the rain. Cuz she's smart, correct?

So where is the story? Is there a point to today's blog? A smart women with a stroller and an umbrella does not make for good blog fodder.

Most of the time it doesn't.

But today it does.

You see, this woman had a tiny umbrella and a huge ass. Her sweatpanted covered buttocks were soaking wet because the tiny umbrella couldn't cover that giant fanny. She deemed it more important to cover her bad hairstyle than her bad ass.

And it made me laugh.

Why?

Because it's funny to see a dry woman with a drenched behind. Always has been. Always will be.

RCN, ice cream, and me

Everybody has stress.

In the last few months I've had a lot. Moving my business is WAY stressful and I thought it was finally done.

But then the building next door was getting a new tenant and the construction began.

Sawing and hammering. Smells of paint and polyurethene. Glass guys. Trash guys. Radios blaring. Phone guys, floor sanders, lighting guys. The air conditioning guys on the roof. Pounding. Hammering. Sawing. Jackhammers outside for water mains. Non english speaking yammering. Yelling. Breaking. Dumpsters filling.

Dry wall guys, painters. On andf on.

Every day for the past two months the noise level next door got unbearable. Electric and gas company guys in MY basement. Pounding and talking and yammering away. NOISE NOISE NOISE. Driving me nuts.

And finally the work was finished. My life was just about back to normal. It was peaceful again. Quiet.

And then on Tuesday it happened.

The RCN van pulled up with the words FREE ICE CREAM emblazoned on the side of the truck. And the truck started playing the 'It's a small world" jingle over and over and over again. for hours the fucking van sat in front of my store blaring out "It's a small world after-all, It's a small world after.....all"

They gave out free ice cream in front of my store for hours and hours with that godforsaken song wafting out of it's crap sound system.

Though it had nothing whatsoever to do with the guys moving in next door I blame them.

It's a small NOISY world afterall.

And I didn't even get a free ice cream.

Joey Chestnut

We salute you my friend! Thank you for making America proud once again.

::raises glass in Joey Chestnut's direction::

How fitting it happened on July 4th.

Never forget

With this being the 10th anniversary of 9/11 I think we should all, just for a moment, remember that tragic day when they blew up the Independence Towers.

Now go back to your cookouts and swimming and stuff!

(thank god the terrorists blew those fuckers up or we'd all be working today!)

Greatest rock and roll song ever.

Radar Love by Golden Earring.

I'm right. You're wrong.

Live Free or Die Hard

I saw that movie over the weekend and wondered what future sequels might be called.

1. Die Die Die, Hard Hard Hard

2. Die? Hardly.

3. The Die is Cast My Hard Friend.

4. Hard to Die.

5. Dying to be Hard

6. Hardly Dying

7. Di? She died hard.

8. Die, Laurel and Hardy

9. Hard and Dead

10. Live and Let Die Hard

11. Live Dead or Die Free

12. To Live and Die Hard in L.A.

13. Goobers

Racist candy? You be the judge.

So I'm down at the Ku Klux Klan Korner Kandy Shoppe and here is what I see on the shelves:

1. Chunky 'Ho

2. Bit O' Guinea

3. Massa Goodbar

4. Kit Kat Klan bar

5. (In the halloween display) Candy Coon

6. The 3 Muslimteers bar

7. Sniggers

8. That aint my baby, Ruth!

9. Whatchamacalit, Sucka

10. Niggarageous

11. Pixy Spiks

12. Mulatto Cup

13. (in the hotel mini-bar) TobyLeon

14. Charleston Jew

15. Woppers

16. Jew Jew Fruit

17. Raisin-4FatherlessKidsOnOneWelfareCheck- ettes

Headless bodies found.

A story in the paper (online) tells about 20 headless bodies found in Baghdad.

Which of course raises some questions:

1. Why were these headless bodies hiding?

2. Who were these headless bodies hiding from?

3. Why is Baghdad such a haven for the headless?

4. Do the headless get thirsty?

5. Are headless folk good kissers?

6. Do the headless have dental plans? If not, what do they do with the extra money?

7. Is investing in Baghdad Haberdashery a bad investment?

8. Do the headless seek out other headless? The finding of 20 of them all together suggests a big yes.

9. If a gal was ugly when she had a head and then becomes headless is she still ugly?

10. Do the headless get colds?

11. How do you know what baseball team the headless root for?

12. If the Beatles sang about the headless....oh, nevermind.

Another one of my premonitions came true

...and it's starting to scare me.

Attack on the Esplanade

If you don't know what the Esplanade is....google it. It's in the Boston area.

So anyhow, it seems there was some kinda attack on a woman and her daughter(?) on the Esplanade the other night. It was on the news this morning and the reporter interviewed someone that was nearby. Here is part of that interview:

Reporter: "So....what are your thoughts about the attack on the Esplanade?"

Broad being interviewed: "It's a shame that an attack can happen in such a beautiful area."

--------------------------------

Hopefully our new governor will make it a law that future attacks must be in run down areas only.

The Canadian Crippler

Well, it seems my premonition was spot on.

a premonition

I have a premonition.


Liz Claiborne (the fashion icon )will die this week.

The Man of 1000 Faces

So last night buddy nite is winding down and the waiter brings the dessert for me, The Blonde, and the Hoag. Some kinda chocolate thing with ice cream and tons of raspberry sauce all over the plate.

While me and the Blonde eat our dessert the Hoag proceeds to:

1. Dab his finger in said raspberry sauce and make dot on forehead and then talk with a New Delhi accent.

::cleans off::

2. Dab his finger in said sauce, smear near left nostril, and act like a strung out cocaine addict.

::cleans off::

3. Dabs his finger in sauce and make stwo smears on both sides of his mouth to bring out his 'inner vampire'

::cleans off::

4. Dabs finger in sauce, makes smear on cheek, pretends he was in a fight.

::cleans off::

5. Refuses to take my suggestion to smear on cheeks like Indian war paint and scream out "woo-woo-woo' (or whatever it is native drunken indians say)

6. Dabs finger in sauce, applies as lip gloss and proceeds to let out his inner fem. And trust me....he has an inner fem.

And that is this weeks Buddy Nite round-up.

How I know my youngest daughter loves ME more than she loves my wife.

Do I know she loves me more even though she talks to my wife more?

Nope.

Do I know she loves me more even though she cuddles with my wife more?

Nope.

Do I know she loves me more even though my wife helps her with school projects and stuff?

Nope.

Do I know she loves me more even though my wife understands her better?

Nope.

Do I know she loves me more even though my wife pays more attention to her?

Nope.

Do I know she loves me more even though my wife does her more favors and treats her better?

Nope.

Do I know she loves me more even though my wife is her best friend in the world?

Nope.

So how do I KNOW my youngest daughter loves me more than she loves my wife?

I'll tell ya how I know. She gave me chocolate covered cashews for Father's Day.

And chocolate covered cashews tell no lies.

Wal-Mart

So the big news the other day was that Wal-Mart wants to change their image from a hillbilly department store to a different kind of hillbilly department store. Here is what their genius decided:

The would get rid of the blue smocks that their hillbilly employees wear. Keep in mind... emblazoned on the back of said smocks it screams HOW MAY I HELP YOU?

Wal-Mart executives don't think shoppers know how to identify Wal-Mart employees so now they're gonna be dress in tan pants with blue polo shirts. You know, like non hillbillies.

Have you ever seen a shopper wearing a blue smock with the words HOW MAY I HELP YOU? on the back? And big giant buttons adorned on the front with some lame ass saying?

And the best part of the whole 'get rid of blue smocks' thing is that Wal-Mart is going to recycle said smocks into blankets for our troops. I'm not making this up. Some of our blown up bleeeding troops are gonna be wrapped up in blue sweatstained hillbilly blankets. That should be comforting.

God Bless America.

If the Beatles sang about Crispy Hexagons

When in doubt, use the tired 'if the Beatles sang about' premise.

1. Lucy in the Sky with Hexagons

2. Hexagon Shexagon

3. I am the Hexagon

4. The Long and Crispy Road

5. Why Don't We Do It In The Bowl

6. I Want To Hold Hold Your Hexagon

7. Fixing a Bowl

Even for mailing it in, I'm mailing it in....

Sounds yummy!

So I'm in the supermarket (are they still called supermarkets?) and I'm strolling (do people still stroll?) through the cereal aisle when I start noticing this phenomenon of store brands.

Store brands are when the supermarket makes their own brands and makes them look just like the national brands. And they're way cheaper. And they place them RIGHT next to each other. Huge money maker for the stores.

So I'm still strolling the aisle when all of a sudden I notice Crispy Hexagons! I don't even know what cereal they're ripping off! What genius named these?

Does anything sound less delicious than a Crispy Hexagon?

Things I've Learned

Esquire magazine does a feature every month where a celebrity lists Things They've Learned.

I'm gonna do mine. I think I'll make them the real things I've learned instead of made up humorous things I didn't really learn.


THINGS I'VE LEARNED:

1. The amount of shaving cream to use is roughly the size of a golf ball (learned that from Hoag's Dad circa 1976)

2. Lefty loosey, righty tighty.

3. When starting your car, let the engine run for 20 seconds or so before shifting into gear. It gets the oil in needed parts of the engine and cuts down on engine wear.

4. Never tell a woman she has a big ass no matter how big it is. EVER.

5. Never count the Yankees out....until they're out.

6. There are no lucky numbers. Except #17 on a roulette table.

7. The lottery is for suckers.

8. Daniel Craig is a better James Bond than Connery.

9. Cosmetic surgery is fine. Just don't let them near your eyes. Right Hoag?

10. Paying with cash during rush hour on the Turnpike is faster than FASTLANE, except on weekends.

11. My Mom was the nicest person I ever met. Wifey's Mom was more fun.

12. Tony Bennet couldn't carry Sinatra's toy train set.

13. Buying a pair of Levi's is the single easiest thing to do in life. There are NO surprises with Levi's. Unless you switch numbers. Stick with the 550s.

What have you learned? I'm sure you bitches will make stuff up....this I've learned.

Blog, James Blog

Okay so I've come up with a catchy title for today's blog.

Now I have to put my money where my mouth is (under my nose) and figure out why this blog is like James Bond.

001. We both have a license to kill. It's true.

002. We both bed the ladies.

003. We both are somehow tied to a Hoagy (Fleming's Bond was based on Hoagy Carmichael)

004. We both like it shaken and not stirred. So to speak.

005. Bond deals with Moneypenny. My honey asks me for money.

006. We both have dashing good looks. right? Right? I said RIGHT!!!?????

007. Bond villians and girls all have catchy names. I have Bacon Ace.

008. Bonds gun of choice is a Walther PPK. My step dads name was Walter.

009. Bond once fought a villian named Scaramanga. I sell manga and have a small scar on my chin.

This is the end of Goldenblog, but James Blog will return in:


For Your Blog Only

Richard Lawless

He died the other day.

I never heard of him before. He was the cousin of a close friend of mine and I know that he was a great guy.

How do I know this?

Because my friend flew to Europe to attend his funeral.

You don't fly to Europe to attend funerals of dicks.

Unless their name is Richard.

If the Presidential election was held today...

...who would you vote for?

1) Wally Cox

2) Charlie Weaver

3) Charles Nelson Reilly

4) Paul Lynne

5) Joan Rivers

6) Hillary Clinton

7. Jimmie 'JJ' Walker

8) Shields and Yarnell

9) Dom Delouise

10) Madam

Possibly racist statistics

a) 32% of all Jews skip breakfast.

b) 60% of all breakfast restaurants exclude Jews.

c) 44% of all West Germans have never skipped to work.

d) 33% of all New Zealanders have a small piece of spinach stuck in their teeth.

e) 80% of all Irishmen think we should give Ireland back to the Irish (whatever the hell that means)

f) 95% of all the water on earth is in Africa but Africans can only look to the right and all the water is on the left. Weird, huh?

g) Back in 1755 84% of all Canadians gathered together for one historic meeting and all they came up with was the word 'pelt'

h) 30% of folks from Finland have fins on their back yet 90% of them still can't swim.

i) 80% of rappers come from Iceland.

j) 2% of the people from India speak in deep, pleasant sounding voices.

k) 83% of the people in Russia sing it: "Back in the CCCP."

l) 40% of the people living in Chad refer to it as 'Jeremy'

m) 20% of the people living in Peter refer to it as 'Jordan'

n) 34% of the people living in Smoking in the Boysroom refer to it as "Ballroon Blitz"

The above stats are true.

Weird, huh?

a typical conversation with my puppy

ME: "Puppy!"

PUP: :wags tail:

ME: "g-owd-zide?"

PUP: :wags tail:

ME "g-owd-zide? g-owd-zide? g-owd-zide?"

PUP: :runs down hall with tail furiously wagging::

ME: "zats a gooood girl....zats a good girl"

ME: ::brings pup to newspaper strewn pee zone in garage::

PUP: :: runs in a tight controlled couterclockwise direction, squats, pees....sniffs around said pee"

ME: "Zats a gooood girl. Good girl."

PUP: :blank stare:

ME: :: tickles her belly as I carry her back in house:: "I'm. gonna. get. you. Gonna. get. you." ::more tickles on belly:::

PUP: (now inside house) :: smells where the pee comes from....licks same said area::

ME: ::tosses rope-toy down hallway:: "Go get it!"

PUP: ::indifferent stare::;

ME: "Go get it!!"

PUP: ::saunters toward water bowl::

ME: :sigh:

ME: ::Youze a good girl, Yes you are! Yes you are!::

WIFEY: "You're both creepy."

If the shoe fits

I hate to just copy and paste a news story into the blog but this just cracked me up.

Notice the defense attorneys name. Seems fitting. I hope the guy gets off.

So to speak.

>>>>>>>
ATLANTA, Georgia (AP) -- A judge said Wednesday he'll rule by next week on the appeal of a man sentenced to 10 years in prison for having consensual oral sex with a 15-year-old girl when he was 17.
A lawyer for Genarlow Wilson, now 21, asked the appellate judge to throw out the aggravated child molestation sentence on the grounds it is grossly disproportionate to the crime.
Defense attorney B.J. Bernstein noted that state lawmakers passed a law to close the loophole that led to Wilson's sentence>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

My guest sermon

My pastor was sick and ask me to fill in for him. He also asked me to do it in the numbered list format that is so popular in forward thinking churches.

1. Motorcycle owners....make your bikes real REAL loud because people love that! Jesus himself would love that! ....That's sarcasm. we hate your loud motorcycle as it drives by....for a brief moment we want to kill you. Jesus himself would want to kill you. With his bare hands.

2. Waitresses across the planet.....just fill up our water glasses without asking. And stop hovering around my table. Spell invisible, Single Mother of Four.

3. Keep that damn kid quiet. As it says in the bible "No man should have to listen to your whiny brat of a kid" Jesus also said the exact words to his Apostles.

4. Vote for Hillary....burn in hell. It says so in the bible. See ANTI-CHRIST 3:17 or Corinthians something :12

5. Church builders...PUT SOME PADS ON THE STINKING PEWS! And stop calling them pews. They are uncomfortable benches. Now give us money.

6. Stop pretending that the phrase "You're fired." (made famous by Donald Trump) was ever an actual 'catch phrase'. It wasn't. You know it. I know it. Jesus knows it.


PASTOR: "Hey IANO....you're fired"

IANO: "Jesus H. Christ....give me another chance...."

Hangman for Hoag

S_C K S_METH_NG.

The Diet Pepsi coin flip

Diet Pepsi has released a series of ads proclaiming that '56% of those polled say Diet Pepsi has more cola taste than Diet Coke'

Not it tastes better, but more cola taste.

56% is not a ringing endorsement when it comes to cola. What they are basically saying is that roughly half of the cola drinkers think Coke has more cola taste.

44% of Coca-Cola drinkers think Pepsi drinkers are girls.

And 62% of all cola drinkers of age, in the USA, won't vote for Hillary Clinton. Or Joe 'I'm out of my freakin' mind' Biden.

The new Eric Clapton

I'm now into my 33rd season of watching the Boston Red Sox.

I've seen Yaz and Rice. I've seen Freddy Lynn, the Rooster, George Scott, Jose Canseco, Fisk, Boggs, Clemens, Pedro, Big Papi, Manny. I've seen Tom Seaver (if only for a few months) I've seen Oil Can. Hurst. Bill Lee. The Eck. Remdawg.

I've seen Luis Tiant and Curt Schilling. Johnny Damon and Denny Doyle. Dewey and Stan 'fucking' Papi.

I saw Tony C at the beginning of the 1975 season. I saw Bruno make the catch.

I saw the Stones at Fenway...front row. Twice.

I've seen 'em all.

But ya wanna know something?

Mike Lowell is the new Eric Clapton. (and they said Eric Clapton was God.)

My buddy the douchebag

So last night at buddy nite the Hoag finishes off his meal by ordering a cognac.

A cognac.

What a douche.

Dead man walking

So this morning I'm pulling out of my driveway when I spot my wife and her buddy walking up the street (they walk a mile or two every morning)

I roll down my window to talk with them....here is how the conversation went:

ME: "Hey....out for a walk? Why don't you two run?"

WIFEY: "Why don't you run?"

ME: "I don't need to."

Anti-Sheehan

So that lady Cindy Sheehan (the anti war activist that lost a son) decided to 'resign' as the head of the anti-war movement.

Here is part of what she said:

"Casey died for a country which cares more about who will be the next American Idol than how many people will be killed in the next few months while Democrats and Republicans play politics with human lives,"

---------------------

And what do I have to say about all this you ask?

I say get some soldiers that can sing and America will give a crap.

Oh that Hoagy!

I just got off the phone with the Hoag and in conversation it came up that he once bought 24 identical Valentines Day cards proclaiming 'You're The Only One For Me."

I'm doing my part

So I'm reading about how underdeveloped countries have very little water and the average person in those countries has less than a toilet flush amount of water per day.

So I flushed my toilet twice today and quenched the thirst of two kids in the Sudan.

Three if they were really small, undernourished kids.

It feels great to be part of the solution.

Memorial Day

As you know, this is the weekend that America celebrates our Memorials.

I'll be celebrating the TV memorial. That's my favorite.

How to get rid of cellulite?

That's what the headline on my news server asked.

I will now answer.

1. Be a man.

2. Kill most of my female relatives.


Once again, a problem solved.

My new best friend.

So on yesterday's blog we're all talking about food and stuff and BostonGraf mentions something about hot dogs which of course reminded me of my favorite hotdogs from Dairy Joy on route 117. So of course I'm craving one all day. Then about ten minutes before I close the store, in walks Bacon Ace. He says nothing and hands me a bag containing...yup, you guessed it....a Dairy Joy hotdog. And I ate it down yum. (Of course when I told Hoagy about it a few hours later he informs me that there is a good chance I'll get a photo in the mail of Bacon Ace holding said hotdog against his buttocks or something) ..................................if that should happen let me tell you, Bacon Ace has one good tasting buttock.

I won't be fooled again.

Every day I bring my lunch to work. A sandwich and a snack.

Today I grabbed a bag of Cheese Nips that proudly proclaims '100 Calorie Packs'

I didn't think much about it until about 5 minutes ago when I ate it and realized that 100 calories in a snack is not a snack at all.

It's stupid.

People all over America are gonna fool themselves into thinking they'll lose weight by eating these '100 Calorie packs'.

The problem?

We're gonna end up eating 10-15 of these 100 calorie packs each day.

Why?

BECAUSE 100 CALORIES AINT ENOUGH FOR A FREAKIN' SNACK FOOD YOU NABISCO MORONS!

I hate you and hope you die.

Hopefully by starvation.

100 calorie packs. Jerks.

Martin Luther King's daughter dies

Which treatment should I give it?

1. What if the Beatles wrote about her? (All you need is Yolanda, We All Live in Yolanda's Submarine, etc.)

2. Jerry Falwell: the Lone Gunman?

3. How she was :this close:: to winning American Idol

4. Just post about the upcoming riots.

5. Can't we all just get along?....whoops, that was something else.

6. How she truly changed America. She changed America, right?

7. Something about bears.

Damn!

Jerry Falwell just died and I was busy looking at the gals going into the dry cleaners.

I hope I don't go to hell.

Another scientific study

I recently moved my business about a block down the street.

In my old location I had a laundromat a couple doors down from me and now in the new location I have a dry cleaners across the street. So with help of my bunson burner, a compass, and two beakers I've come to the scientfic conclusion that hotter chicks go into a dry cleaners than a laundromat.

Not an opinion....a scientific fact (see above)

So ladies, start dry cleaning your clothes and you will become 'hotter'.

It's a scientific fact.

Much too important to wait until Monday to post.

Do you ever read the copy on products?

'40% more fiber!'

'new great taste!'

'Low fat!'

and on and on....

Today I read something on a wrapper of toilet paper that made me wonder if the guy writing it just wanted to prove to his superiors that he was needed as THE copy writer.

The wrapper stated (and I quote)

'At home and in the office'


You can make up your own jokes....

Four broads

So we're sitting at a table last night for dinner and next to us were these four broads just prattling on about nothing. They never once stopped talking. They never once actually listened to one another. They were all talking at the same time. And never once did they say anything of substance.

One of them was mildly attractive so I added one bonus point.

I hated them all and wished them harm in the near future.

Whenever four women sit at a table together it should be referred to as a 'cackle of hens'

(four guys at a table is usually referred to as a 'roughhouse of cool')

Duffy the beat cop

After a long absense Duffy the beat cop is back patrolling my street. Up and down the street he goes. Stopping, and looking, and chatting. And fighting crime.

And what could be a better name for a beat cop than Duffy? I think there was even a comic strip back in the 1940s called....Duffy the beat cop.

So I start to think what a beat cop named Duffys day must be like:

"Yo, Duffy!"

"Duff-a-rino...how's it hangin?"

"Duffy my man!"

"Officer Duffy we're down on our knees....how can ya bust guys with a social disease?"

"Mr. Duffy sir....I slipped in an extra crueller, just for you"

"DUFF!"

::high five:: "Duffy!"

"Hey Duffster...is it hot enough for ya?"

"What's shakin' Cap'in?"

"Ba-bing...how about dem Sox, huh Duffy?"

"Dr. Duff...can I pahk here?"


It must be great to be Duffy.

Battle Dancing

It seems some guy died while 'battle dancing'....it's all over the news today.

I'm hip (hep) and have never ever heard of battle dancing. But I will tell you something....if I should die, please, oh please, make it from battle dancing.

How dumb are our soldiers?

Real dumb.

Everyday you hear about 7 soldiers in Iraq dying from roadside bombs.

"Hey soldiers, stay off the road sides....drive in the middle of the road"

Dolts.

My scientific study.

I've always thought McDonalds french fries were far superior to Burger King's.

So the other day I'm at Burger King and I notice a french fry on the ground in the parking lot. That is something you never, EVER see at McDonalds.

Why?

Because the birds swoop down and eat them.

To conclude:

McDonalds french fries are better because the birds eat 'em up yum.

Because I have a blog I must review Spider-Man 3

This movie is so painfully bad you should go see it.

I'm not making up the following:

1. Peter Parker dances three different times for no particular reason.

2. There are four songs performed that don't involve Peter dancing.

3. That is a total of 7 musical numbers in a superhero movie.

4. The soft pretzels, 6 tacos, and popcorn chicken I ate were all delicious.

5. If you hear anyone refer to this movie as 'ass', they would be correct.

6. And not even a good looking ass....this movie is a cellulite ridden giant ass. With pimples. And hair all over it.

7. The more I think of this movie the more I hate it. George Bush should attack it.

8. John Kerry should attack it....and then change his mind about attacking it.

9. This movie is the real reason behind global warming. I think.

10. Nothing for #10....oh wait....did I mention this movie blows? (I guess there really was something for number 10.)

What I've learned.

In the last week or so I've learned a few important things:

1. Carson Daly fell off a cliff.

2. Carson Daly has large socks.

Now I need to learn what the heck a Carson Daly is.

I couldn't make this up. (actually i could....but didn't)

>>>>LONDON (April 26) -- Hugh Grant has been arrested and questioned by police after a photographer accused the actor of attacking him with a tub of baked beans. <<<

Busy with the Louvre.

Now where the heck did I put that Mona Lisa?

Mooging...

...no time for blogging.

(sounds futuristic, huh?)

Gone fishin'

Don orange and maroon and show your Hoagy spirit.

Seems like the good folks at Virginia Tech wants the United States to dress in the Hoagy school colors of maroon and orange to show our support for the victims of the massacre.

If the good folk of the United States dress in said maroon and orange... I'm guessing there will be a lot more victims...fashion victims. Don't the Hoagies of Virginia Tech know that orange and maroon don't really go together? Wouldn't those colors totally take away the rich dark hues of my smoldering eyes?

How about if I wear blue jeans to show my support? And maybe a white t-shirt?

I'm pretty sure that will end most of the grief and sorrow.

But I'll bring a candle just in case it don't.

And maybe a ribbon pinned to my shirt.

Or an armband.

Or something.

NEXT WEEK ON IANO:

Bears!

A funny Hoagy story!

A wacky customer story!

A Beatles song parody!

We'll make fun of a celebrity that dies or utters a racial slur.

I'll utter a racial slur!

Stories of contractors from hell!

A T & T: they don't give a fuck!

Global *snicker* warming.

Hillary's thighs ::vomits::

A Barack Obama/ Osama bin Laden typo

A comment about Bush still probably being better than Gore or Kerry

Lois: The natural blonde. I think not.

Buddy Nite hijinx

New Zealand: country of retards or beautiful paradise?

Imagine if the Beatles wrote about the Virginia Tech Massacre

(When in doubt have the Beatles write songs about something....it's foolproof)

1. TechsMan

2. Mean Mr. Cho

3. Ob-La- DIE DIE DIE! Ob-La -Da

4. Maxwell's Silver Glock

5. Blacksburg

6. I Am The Douchebag

7. Rambling Incoherent Writer

And a bunch of others....

Deadly Rampage at Bloody Massacre U: Day 3

Random thoughts:

So somehow,someway, the brave souls at Virginia Tech managed to find enough candles to go around. And once again the burning of candles brought nobody back to life. Maybe next time.

With Bush proclaiming Korea part of the Axis of Evil is it any surprise the killer was Korean? Maybe all part of Bush's masterplan to attack Korea under the guise of something or other.

The shooter's name was Cho....any chance he was a nappy haired Cho?

Is Don Imus wishing the shooting occured maybe a week or so earlier? Life is all about.

Timing.

Bloody Massacre at Rampage U.

Don't you love when something 'tragic' happens and the media feels compelled to name the event? And the network news shows love to add theme music.

With the Virginia Tech thing, most media outlets have simply dubbed it:

Massacre at Virginia Tech

A few went with Rampage at Virginia Tech.

The real shame in all of this is that I don't have a tractor trailer filled with candles to sell for the upcoming candlelight vigils soon to occur.

On the news this morning one idiot college student pleaded with candle makers to send down free candles because the town has been wiped out of all candles.

I feel his candle-less pain.

I've now named the incident:
Waxless at Virginia Tech!

Theme song:
No Candles in the Wind

Don Ho. R.I.P.

Famed singer Don Ho just died.

And it clearly raises the question:

Was he a nappy haired Ho?

Blood, breakfast, and buddies.

Years ago at this party my friend 'Dwayne' was drunk and passed out on a chair and people started goofing on him...shaving cream on his hand, stuffed animals under his arms, all sorts of silly stuff. Harmless stuff. Stuff we did to Dwayne kinda stuff.

And then one guy thought it would be a riot to shave Dwaynes mustache.

Well, guess what? Shaving someones mustache when they're passed out is not funny. It's a jerk thing to do so I stopped it.

Stopping the shaving ended up with me getting my face punched over and over and over again. by the guy who had the shaving fetish.

The 'fight' ended up outside where I continued to take a beating...face repeatly slammed into a hood of a car until I was a bloody pulp.

The beauty of the whole thing was that after I was hit the first or second time I realized the pain didn't get any worse....it hurt, but getting hit again didn't hurt more.

So I started laughing at my 'attacker'. And he hit me some more. So I laughed harder. And got hit harder So I laughed harder. Got hit harder. Laughed. Hit. Laugh. Hit. Laugh.

I was winning this so called battle even though I was the one all bloody.

Finally a bunch of folks broke it up and kicked his ass and life went on.

A few hours later Dwayne woke up and me, Hoag, Moose, and Dwayne all went out to get breakfast. The three of them ....and me soaked in blood. Eating breakfast. All like it was the most normal thing in the world.

Good times. Good breakfast

Beatles, corn cobs, and you.

So after yesterday's horrific tale of using corn cobs as toilet paper it got me thinking what it would have been like had the Beatles written about said corn cobs...

1. Cob la-de, cob la-da

2. Magical Mystery Sore

3. Can't Buy Me Salve

4. Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Cob Band

5. Twist and Shout

6. Happiness is a Warm Cob


And I could go on and on...

(#6 will be hard to beat)

I wish I didn't learn this.

I was watching the History Channel last night and they were doing a show about what people did before toilet paper.

All sorts of weird things. That's what.

But the thing that really freaked me was corn cobs. Corn. Cobs.

Seems folks would feed their pigs with corn on the cob. After the pigs were done eating the people would take the discarded cobs and soak them in water until they were really soft and then use that to wipe themselves.

THEY WIPED THEMSELVES WITH CORN COBS!!!! (corn cobs chewed on by pigs I might add)

And then what did they do with them? Feed those to the retarded pigs? Reuse them? Bury them? Play touch football with them?

Did the bathroom just have a big bucket of soaking corn cobs next to whatever they sat on? Did the whole family use the same cob? For how long?

I'm sure all these questions were answered but once I heard that people used corn cobs I switched the TV off.

And then I went into the bathroom and bowed to Jenny Cottonelle...

(sex) Global Warming (sex)

So the other day on sports radio they are talking about Global Warming (snicker) and they're going down this huge list of things we can to to prevent Global Warming (snicker) and item #45 really cracked me up.

Item #45 says that whenever we go somewhere by car we should plot a course using right hand turns because right hand turns don't consume as much fuel as left hand turns do.

So here is my new way home:

Take a right hand turn and go south on Interstate 95 until I come to Florida (Hi Jeb!), take a right hand turn at Florida and go 2,400 miles to California (Hi Arnie!)...bang a right hand turn at California and go up the coast, thru Oregon and Washington. Take another right hand turn at the Canadian border and continue until you get to New Hampshire and then take another right hand turn and continue driving until you reach Massachusetts and then keep taking right hand turns until you find my house.

"Hi Honey...sorry I'm late!"

See? Even us Republicans care about (sex) Global Warming (sex)

The douche at the bank.

So I'm in the drive-thru lane at the bank and I'm behind this electrictians van and I'm waiting....and waiting ...and waiting....and nothing is happening....so I wait some more and some more.

I've been sitting there for over ten minutes and I'm starting to get edgy.

And then I notice the electrician is WAY more edgy then I could ever be. He starts screaming at the bank teller through the glass, frantically waving his arms around, swearing and throwing out threats left and right.

So I roll down my window to hear the whole thing. Here is how that went.

ELECTRICIAN: "I WANT YOUR NAME, THE MANAGERS NAME, I WANT EVERY FUCKING PERSON IN THE BANKS NAME!!"

BANK TELLER: "You'll have to come in sir."

ELECTRICIAN: "Don't tell me what to do douche...is that your name? Douche? How do you spell that, huh...douche? D-O-U-C-H-E? Are you a douche? I've benn a customer for years and you are a douche! D-O-U-C-H-E! That's you name, correct? Douche?

BANK TELLER: You'll have to come in sir."

ELECTRICIAN: DOUCHE! That's you name! I want everybodys name! YOURS IS DOUCHE! CORRECT? YOU ARE A DOUCHE!! Spell it! D-O-U-C-H-E!

ME: ::thinks to self...maybe I should smack electrician douche::

ME: ::does nothing::

ME: ::continues to listen to drama unfold::

ELECTRICIAN: "I'll get you fired MR., MR, MISTER DOUCHE!

ELECTRICIAN: ::speeds out of parking lot with tires spinning up smoke and dirt::

ME: ::drives up to window:: "How ya doin?"

BANK TELLER: ::smiles, shakes head::

And it was at that moment I noticed the bank tellers name badge: Saleme HaDouche

h-a-D-O-U-C-H-E.

And I smiled.

Nothing

I have nothing today and I'm way busy so I'm just gonna write some words using the letters in the word NOTHING.

NO

GOT

TIN

GIN

IN

TON

HIT

IT

GOTH

HOT

ON

THIN

NOT

Now you have to write a sentence using all of those words (you can use others words also, but all of those have to be used)

Best sentence wins a prize.

See? I got nothing.

Keith being Keith

So the cool story that hit the wires yesterday was that a few years ago after his dad died, Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones took some of his fathers ashes ( I think he was cremated )....mixed it up with some cocaine and snorted his dad.

I repeat: He snorted his dad. With cocaine. Keith Richards took some of his dads cremated remains and mixed it with cocaine and snorted it. And then said the high was pretty good.

Please, please, please I beg you....when I die keep the Hoag away from my cremated remains.

Keep Keith away also.

Lucky's Trailer Sales

So I'm driving down the Pike (The Massachusetts Turnpike) and I spot this sign on the back of a trailer(!?) and it says: LUCKY'S TRAILER SALES.

And I wonder what happens in Lucky's life that selling trailers (and not the camper like trailers....trailers like for hauling wood and stuff. Bare bones flat dull trailers) is a good thing. Is the selling of the said trailers what makes Lucky's life lucky or is it something else?

Does he win at poker? If so...why the life dedicated to trailer sales? Why not chips and cards and roulette tables?:: Lucky's Gaming Supply Hut

Did someone else nickname him Lucky because of trailer envy? Or did Lucky just start callin' himself Lucky?

Does he talk with Jesus? That would be lucky. I think.

Did Jesus buy a trailer from Lucky? What does Jesus haul?

I sell comics and toys and stuff and I'm guessing I'm luckier than Lucky.

Though I could use a trailer in the next few weeks.

Maybe I'll borrow Jesus's trailer.

Opening day.

Please excuse I AINT NO OPRAH from school today as he is sick.

Thank you,
IAINTNOOPRAH

How to fix a leaky toilet without tools.

I saw that headline on my news page today and clicked it. There aint much better than fixing a leaky toilet without tools.

So I read the instructions in the article and it informs me I'll need a wrench.

You know....a tool.

Assholes.

And people wonder why I kill.

(I don't really kill)

Uno Doogie

Cryptic, huh?

Broad In Dude Body part II (or is it part 3?)

So this morning I'm getting ready to leave for work when I notice the cover to the gas grill has blown off and is fluttering around on the deck.

So I ask Wifey if she'll go out and get it for me.

Now why couldn't I go get it you ask?

Well... like I said I was on my way to work and my hair was still wet and I didn't want to go outside and get it all messed up before it was dry.

A broad.

Trapped in a dude's body.

More fun on the Massachusetts Turnpike

A while ago I'm driving home on the Pike when I look over to my left and there is this car with two pretty gals in it. Nothing strange so far.

But then I notice the gal in the passenger seat is smelling her own armpit and I burst out laughing. And at that exact moment she looks at me and knows she just got caught whiffin' her own pits.

I'm dying laughing and she's every shade of red.

So I drive ahead....and then a few moments later they pass me (everyone is laughing now) and then I pass them, and then they pass me, and on and on.

And then I realize I must at least try to one up them.

I drive up beside them, I slip off my shoe and hold it to my nose and mouth like a face mask and start a sniffin'. All like it was the most normal thing in the world.

It sure made the drive home faster.

PS:
The inside of my shoe smelled like Yankee stank. I'm guessing her armpit smelled like Posada. Or maybe Jeter.

Yankees Suck

Scientists have been studying this for years and years and all the data is in....the NY Yankees truly DO suck.

They play baseball fairly well but if you watch them closely they are always sucking in air.

Nobody knows why.

And then they expel said air a few seconds later.

Nobody knows why.

But they do in fact suck.

And they repeat this process all day and all night...EVEN WHEN THEY SLEEP!

Sometimes they use their noses for this 'sucking of air' for no particular reason.

Scientists have also revealed that the NY Yankees stink...oh, they can play baseball fairly well, but get up close to one of them (especially Posada) and there is this stank about them.

And it doesn't smell like victory.

My Own Private September 11th.

So Sunday morning I go into the store to clean out the downstairs.

I start sweeping the floor and this huge cloud of dust started forming and at that moment I knew exactly what the folks felt like at Ground Zero when the Towers fell.

And then I sorted some comic books and stuff.

I'll never forget.

I Aint No Beauty Queen

>LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- Rachel Smith, a journalism graduate from Tennessee, was crowned Miss USA, edging out 50 other aspiring beauty queens in a contest to replace a titleholder whose reign was nearly marred by a scandal.

Smith, 21, graduated from Belmont University and interned last year for the production company behind "The Oprah Winfrey Show."<

Banned in Boston

So this great new Italian restaurant just opened about 200 yards from my house.

I was informed by Wifey that me and The Hoag aint welcome there on buddy nite. She said it's a neighborhood place not a 'buddy' place.

So last night was Buddy Nite and me and The Hoag totally respected her wishes.

Or did we?

Did we spy on her and her lesbian lover from afar? Did we watch as she flirted with the bartender? Did we notice that she peeked in the mens room?

Maybe.

Maybe not.

But Neighborhood Italian Restaurant will be a Buddy Nite hangout if and when I say it will.

Cuz I'm the man and I make the rules.

PS:

Please WifeyOhGoddessOfTheNeighborhood...can me and Hoag go next week...? Huh? Please?

Larry 'Bud' Melman

A moment of silence.

And a hot towel...

The Donald, The Rosie, The Lois, and The Me

So yesterday Lois comes in the shop (looking mighty fine I might add) and somehow we start discussing the Donald Trump/ Rosie O'Donnell feud.

Within seconds the line was drawn....Lois (who was looking mighty fine) took Rosie's side and I naturally took The Trumpers side.

Just the idea of taking Rosies side makes me ill. She is what Trunp says she is. She is revolting. Hideous. Loud. Obnoxious.

Rosie not Lois (Lois is mighty fine)

Though at one point I used to think Rosie was funny.

I've always kinda liked Trump. He's a straight shooter and tells it like it is with no worry of the PCness of it all.

And he used to fly us for free in his Trump Shuttle to his Atlantic City Hotels.

Rosie has never flown me anywhere.

So lets sum up:

1. Lois is wrong.

2. I am right.

3. Rosie and Trunp are on the nervy side.

4. Lois was looking mighty fine.

5. I forgot to mention that the word 'penis' came up later on in the conversation.

6. And we weren't discussing Rosie's penis (which I assume is HUGE)

7. Or mine.

I read this in a magazine.

And it cracked me up.

It seems Jesse Jackson aint gonna endorse Barack Obama because Barack Obama is a hard name to rhyme.

Fair enough.

I'm not endorsing John Edwards because he doesn't sleep with a pillow.

Wifey No More

So last night I called Wifey 'Wifey' and she didn't like it.

How do I know she didn't like it?

She said "I don't like when you call me Wifey"


How that can be I have no idea....so I'm just gonna have to come up with another nickname for her.

Here are some early thoughts:

1. Hefty O'Thighs

2, Tinty McNipples

3. Cranky Bodine

4. Bake MaBrownies

5. Leslie

6. Allie Gator Macpherson

7. Passie DaRemote

8. Grizzly Bo Peeps (thats what Hoag calls her)

9. Rolls Eyes: sighs: Whatever darlin'

10. Wiggles D. Booty

I'm pretty sure she'll be just fine with Wifey afterall....

And I thought color TV was a cool invention...

It's always something.

Just when you thought everything that could be invented has been invented someone comes up with something new.

Inside the 'best of New York' issue of New York magazine there hides a tiny little article about nipple tints.

Yup, nipple tints.

I aint making that up.

Tinted nipples.

It seems New Yorkers aint happy with the color of their nipples (they won't be happy with their baseball team either)

And now I'm becoming obsessed with the color of MY nipples. Are they green enough? Perky enough?

Are folks really so vain that they need nipple tints? Should that be in capital letters? Nipple Tints.

Are people in New York actually walking around with their nipples showing? Not just poking through a sweater or something, but outside the sweater so colors can be judged, mocked, or loved?

And how do you tint a nipple anyhow?

Do men also want their nipples tinted? Do they notice when their ladies tint the nipple? Do both nipples have to be the same color?

I might just spend the rest of my life wondering what women I know have tinted nipples.

Or maybe I'll just watch color TV.

As we speak

A certain 'friend' of mine is coming north. I don't know where he is. I don't know when he'll arrive.

But he's coming.

Soon.

I know this. I fear this. I hate this.

The unknowing.

He is coming. I hate him.

I want him to stay where he is and hang with someone else.

But he's coming and there aint a damn thing I can do about it.

Those of you reading this blog for a long time know who I'm talking about. You know what is about to happen. The horror. The horror.

He's coming. The bastard is coming.

In what guise will he appear this time?

Today's snow brings me no comfort. He's coming. He is a bastard and he is coming.

For me. And me only. This I know.

I can't stop him. I can't reason with him. I can only wait. With one eye open.

I hate him.

Yet he still comes for me.

The Sunset

So last night I'm driving home, going west, and I notice dozens of different hues of red, orange, pink all intertwined with wispy clouds against a darkening blue sky. I was in awe. I was seeing one of the finest sunsets of all time and got real excited!

Really, really excited.

I quickly called home and asked for my 17 year old daughter and told her to grab her camera and take some pictures of this truly jaw dropping work of nature.

She kinda giggled.

At that exact point in time I knew I was woman trapped in a mans body.

If The Rolling Stones rewrote The Beatles songs.

All You Need is Love, Bitch.

I Want to Hold Your Hand, Bitch.

I Am The Walrus, Bitch

The Bitch Came In Through The Bathroom Window

Mmmmmm.....gravy.

So yesterday I had this big pot roast dinner with gobs of mashed potatoes n' gravy. At some point I spilled the gravy on my white t-shirt.

I then had two choices.

1. Change my shirt and be a human.

OR

2. Leave the gravy splattered shirt on to remind myself what a great cook my wife is.

(Actually I had a third choice...but it involved ice picks, kittens ,and soylant green.)

Not only did I leave the gravy splattered shirt on, but I slept with it on.

So I could dream about what a great cook my wife is.

When you hang out with a guy named Hoagy

It's very bizarre.

You'll be having a deep discussion about Iraq or Bill Clinton or something and the Hoag will always somehow work in things like:

"Imagine if bears were in charge of the military?"

or

"Would it have been a scandal if Bill Clinton was not having sex with bears instead of Monica Lewinsky?"

Or sometimes I'll be mentioning maybe American Idol and Hoag will say "Imagine if they did Animal Idol and bears sang and stuff?"

Or if I'm in the market for a new car Hoag will say crap like 'Imagine if bears drove cars....I wonder what kind they would buy....would they get the extended warranties?"

Or at a funeral he'll say junk like "Imagine how big the casket would be if she was a Grizzly."

Why do I even hang with such an odd guy?

If he was a bear would I still hang out with him?

An odd line from a new show.

Last night I was watching a new show and this black chick on the show started to appoach these two white chicks.

The white chicks screamed and then said:

"Get away from us...we're afraid of black people....but not the Cosby kind."

(I love TV.)

The Segway

Now that the Segway has taken over in just about every facet of our lives I've heard that the whole Boston area is planning on building elevated roads just for the use of Segways. You heard me...elevated roads. For Segways.

They're driving me nuts! Just walking down the street for a cup of coffee and WHIZZ go 6 or 7 Segways almost forcing me off the sidewalk. Douchebags on Segways.

The mailmen WHZZZZZZ! "Ewwww, look at me delivering mail on my Segway....I'm cool!"

And all the police on their Segway patrols. WHZZZZZZZZ.

I saw a team of firemen rushing to a fire on their specially made Segways with giant ladders attached.

My kids complain about clogged hallways in school with everyone on their Segways.

I mean let's be honest...we all knew the Segway was gonna be HUGE and change our lives, but did we really have any idea that it would take over this big?

Wifey now uses hers to go grocery shopping (she's got the Mom model with the giant basket in back)

The Segway basketball leagues sprouting up everywhere! And how about those wheelchair Segway Leagues? Guys in wheelchairs on their specially made Segways? It's crazy I tell ya. Crazy.

Rumor has it that Manny Ramirez is in negotiations with Major League Baseball to use a Segway in left field.

Me and Hoag now drive our two station Segway for Buddy Nite (the Blonde sits in the basket in the back.)

At first I just thought it was a fad. But it aint. The Segway has changed our lives and it's here to stay.

And I'm not sure I like it.

Plump and Smooth

You think this is gonna be dirty, huh?

Well....it aint. It's about Avon's new product Plump and Smooth.

It's some kinda lip thing that makes a woman's (or Hoagy's) lips Plump and Smooth. Now in and of themselves, plump and smooth aint a bad thing when it comes to lips (though not Hoags)....but is Avon really so out of creative marketing people that they couldn't come up with a better name?

Plump and Smooth.

What if other companies came up with literal names for their products?

1. McDonalds: Flat and fried.

2. Warner Bros. Long and Tedious

3. I AINT NO OPRAH : Hitler and Hoag

4. Chrysler: Sucky Transmissions

5. Microsoft: Blue Screen


You get the idea.

Plump and Smooth.

PS:

Who even knew AVON was still in business? The Fuller Brush Man?

Damn Swiss

>>>>>ZURICH, Switzerland (March 3) - What began as a routine training exercise almost ended in an embarrassing diplomatic incident after a company of Swiss soldiers got lost at night and marched into neighboring Liechtenstein. >>>>>>>

Isn't this what we did in Iraq?

Call me MISTER Hughes.

Last night while enjoying 'buddy nite' we started the first annual paper airplane contest. In the restaurant. Restaurants love their patrons to have fun with paper. They do. See Luke 3:14 or Corinthians such and such.

Should I mention how lame Hoagy's plane was? Or the Blondes. Should I mention mine was a sleek, dangerous flying machine? Cuz I will if you want.

Mine was a sleek, dangerous flying machine.

Should I mention our combined age is 139 years old? Should I mention we don't much care?

Should I mention that I was the clear, hands down winner of Paper Flying Projectile Day 2007?

Next Week:

Spitball Mania '07...be there or be square. Or something.

I almost had a car accident.

This morning.

And nobody cares.

Telling someone that you ALMOST had a car accident is worse than telling someone about a dream you had.

Almost had a car accident stories are the all time worst stories. Why? BECAUSE NOTHING HAPPENS. You DIDN'T HAVE A CAR ACCIDENT!!! And neither did most people that day.

Don't tell me about it. Nothing happened. And I certainly don't want to hear a story with the punchline of nothing happening. So go crack up your car and tell me about it....I'll be all severed ears. But if you avoid said accident maybe you can go write it in your diary. Though even Dear Diary doesn't care.

(I once dreamed about almost having a car accident....I almost crashed into a vat of pudding after said vat sprouted wings. Or something. Thank god I swerved, huh?)