Nuclear War !

>>>Nuclear war will begin next Thursday, June 12, or sooner, according to the latest prediction of self-proclaimed prophet Yisrayl "Buffalo Bill" Hawkins, the founder of a religious sect in Abilene, Texas.<<


My prediction is it will happen AFTER June 12th.

I'm a prophet.

You Don’t Mess with the Zohan

....and you don't go see it either.

Deal?

"Every vote counts!"

I live in a small town. And the town votes on things town related.

Recently the town had a vote on building a new 'senior center'...a center for people that are on the verge of dying.

Money not so well spent.

But anyhow...

So they had a vote about using tax dollars to build such a thing and I wasn't even aware of said vote until after the voting had passed.

I read about it after the fact. And the 'senior center' thingy passed by four (4) votes and the newspaper proclaimed:

"EVERY VOTE COUNTS! Don't ever let it be said that your ONE single vote doesn't matter because this vote PROVED that ONE vote does count."

WRONG!

You see....if I had voted the thing still would have passed by THREE (3) votes.

SO TO SUM UP:
I'm glad I didn't waste my time voting...and hopefully after all the 'seniors' die they make that 'senior center' into maybe a cool pool room or cigar bar or gas station.

Or something.

TO FURTHER SUM UP:

One vote never counts. They should make each vote worth ten votes and then maybe more folks would vote. And I should be in charge.

Sears.com is the Anti-Christ.

You think I kid?

About something like Anti Christs?

I think not.

So I buy a dishwasher online from Sears (anti christ) and I opt for delivery and installation.

Delivery and installation is $229.00 (On a $750.00 machine)...so I'm at about $980.00 plus tax. $1028 ish.

And now they're ready to deliver it and they mention:

A Plumbing 'permit fee' of $35.00

An Electrical 'permit fee' of $35.00

An Electrical 'Reconnect ::snicker:: fee' of $69.99.

So my $749.99 dishwasher is now $1157.47. (Installation is around 50% on a freakin' dishwasher)

So I went to my town hall and asked about the fees.

Turns out Sears got the fees wrong (Lied)

So I cancel said diswasher. Go down to my local appliance center, order the exact one, and save 326 large.

I don't care what someone charges. I do care about weasel charges.

So to sum up:

Sears.com= The anti-christ

Local Appliance Center=The Jesus

Copy and paste can tire you out....but it's worth it.

Ding Dong! The Witch is dead. Which old Witch? The Wicked Witch!

Ding Dong! The Wicked Witch is dead.

Wake up - sleepy head, rub your eyes, get out of bed.

Wake up, the Wicked Witch is dead. She's gone where the goblins go,

Below - below - below. Yo-ho, let's open up and sing and ring the bells out.

Ding Dong' the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low.
Let them know
The Wicked Witch is dead!

As Mayor of the Munchkin City, In the County of the Land of Oz,
I welcome you most regally.

But we've got to verify it legally, to see

To see?

If she

If she?

Is morally, ethic'lly Spiritually, physically Positively, absolutely Undeniably and reliably Dead

As Coroner I must aver, I thoroughly examined her.

And she's not only merely dead, she's really most sincerely dead.

Then this is a day of Independence For all the Munchkins and their descendants

If any.

Yes, let the joyous news be spread The wicked Old Witch at last is dead!

(It's funny...but last night I noticed Obama's calves and thighs looked a tad big... I wonder what that could mean?)

Hillary Drops-Out Countdown Fever!

I've got the fever!

You've got the fever!

This whole election has the fever! Hillary has the fever! The whole trial has the fever!!

ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA!

Other words you can make using the letters in BLOG

-Log

-Go

-Bog

-Glob


I've never had this much fun in my entire life.

R.I.P. Bo Diddley

So Hoag sends me his idea for a NY POST HEADLINE (they're famous for tacky headlines)

NO MO BO

And I countered with:

BO DEADDLEY

So what do you have?

Thomas' English Muffins

Just seeing those three words brings a smile to your face.

You can picture the butter flowing into the nooks. The crannies. The crunch. The taste. The Heaven.

Maybe a dollop of peanut butter.

Back when I was a kid my Mom usually bought the dreaded 'store brand' as Thomas' were deemed too expensive. Or something.

Every once in a while she would treat us and buy Thomas'. You know, the english muffin that the rich kids ate.

But wanna know something?

(And I've been keeping this quiet for the last few months because I thought it was just me.)

But old Uncle Thomas has changed his recipe or something because these Thomas' English Muffins are small and are lacking the nook. Lacking the cranny. They're hard to cut in half. They don't brown up nice in the toaster. They're a tad on the 'mealy' side. They're horrible. Possibly the worst english muffin on the market.

They probably had to do something to cut down on costs and thought they could just coast on their rep.

But they can't.

Thomas' English Muffins are dead to me. Bland and boring. And dead.

MORAL OF THE STORY?

Don't mess with my muffins!

Not a clever bunch, tall perhaps, but not clever.

At the end of the football season the champions of each conference meet in the Super Bowl to crown a champion. THE. SUPER. BOWL. CHAMPIONS.

THE SUPER BOWL.

At the end of the hockey season the two remaining teams meet in a seven game series to determine the winner of the Stanley Cup. The Stanley Cup Finals. THE. STANLEY. CUP. CHAMPIONS.

THE STANLEY CUP.

And in baseball the champion of the American League plays the National League champion and the winner is crowned The World Series Champion. THE. WORLD. SERIES. CHAMPIONS.

THE WORLD SERIES.

Which brings me to basketball.

I'm guessing you don't know what it's called when the best team from the west faces the best team from the east.

THE BASKETBALL WORLD SERIES!?

Nope.

GRAND TERRIFICO!

Nope.

HOOP CHAMP!

Nope.

SLAM CHAMPS!

Nope.

HOOP SPRINGS ETERNALS!

Nope.

You don't know what it's called...do you?

(I know you do...but the others that read this blog don't)

And do you want to know why most folks don't know what the last series of the year that determines the champion is called?

I'll tell you why.

Because it's LAME!

It's called THE FINALS.

The Finals.

Lame. The Finals.

That's the best they could come up with.

(Beat L.A.)

R.I.P Harvey Korman

He wanted rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists.

The Flat Tire

So on Memorial Day I was working and called up Wifey to see how her day was going.

She told me it was horrible....she was out at a store and got a flat tire.

I asked her if she changed the tire.

She said no....she'd call her Dad and he'd take care of it for her (she had already gotten a ride home...she left the car in the parking lot of The Store I Won't Shop At)

Now her Dad is in his 70s and really shouldn't be changing flat tires so I said:

"I'll do it after work."

You can hear the silence on the other end, can't ya?

But Wifey doesn't want to insult 'her man' by making him feel weak and stupid so she says:

"Okay."

So I get home, pick her up, and drive To The Store I Won't Shop At. I open the trunk and get out the jack and spare tire.

Wifey is looking at me with this don'tfuckitupdon'tfuckitupdon'tfuckitup look on her face.

(She uses that face often with me )

Did I mention I'm in my late 40s and have never changed a flat tire before? (I have people for that...usually Wifey's Dad)

And she's watching me as I take off the lug nuts. My muscles are bulging. Wind blowing through my hair. Sweat on the chest,small of the back. I jack up the car. She's watching. I remove the tire. She's watching. I put on the spare. She's watching. I tighten up lug nuts and lower jack. She's watching and she's impressed.

She watched Her Man change a tire and she was aroused.

In the parking lot of The Store I Won't Shop At.

I hope it didn't make my thighs look big.

So I'm getting ready to leave for work the other day and this is the conversation I had with Wifey (after she gave me the once over with her eyes)

WIFEY: "Is that the same outfit you were wearing yesterday?"

ME: "I don't wear outfits....I'm wearing jeans and a shirt. And no, it's not the same outfit as yesterday."

Pork Chop Hill

So the other day I'm watching a movie named Pork Chop Hill about the Korean War. More specifically....about a hill named Pork Chop (because of it's shape)



Both the Koreans and Americans want said Pork Chop Hill. So they battle over it.

Pork Chop Hill.



Here is some of the dialogue from the movie PORK CHOP HILL:



-"We need Pork Chop"



-"I want Pork Chop"



-"We must defend Pork Chop"



-"We need supplies on Pork Chop"



-"We're taking lots of casualities on Pork Chop"



-I'm the commander of Pork Chop"



-"There is no need for Pork Chop"



-"Pork Chop will be ours."



-"We'll fight to the end for Pork Chop"



-"They want Pork Chop, also"



-"Just move fast up Pork Chop"



-"Why do we need Pork Chop?"



-"You will die on Pork Chop"



-"I will not die on Pork Chop"



-"We've suffered numerous casualities on Pork Chop"



-"We need ammo, water, and supplies on Pork Chop"



-"We MUST keep Pork Chop"



-We CAN'T lose Pork Chop"



-"Surrender Pork Chop!"



-"To die on Pork Chop"



-"Our orders are to defend Pork Chop"



-"There are 125 of us on Pork Chop"



-"There are 63 left of us on Pork Chop"



-"23 soldiers remain on Pork Chop"



-"Wouldn't you rather be home than on Pork Chop?"



-"Wouldn't you rather be with your loved ones than on Pork Chop?"



-"I can't just leave my buddy dead on Pork Chop!"



-"My buddy is dead on Pork Chop!"



-"They forgeotten about us all here on Pork Chop"



And on and on.



Now with dialogue like that (a few I paraphrased from memory) you think the movie isn't all that good.



But it is.



Now what you're probably thinking is that at this point I was craving pork chops. But I wasn't.



Wanna know why?



Because every time they said 'Pork Chop' I made myself hear 'Fried Chicken'



And now I'm craving fried chicken.



And some mashed potatoes.



And gravy.



And pork chops.



PS



I would vacation in Korea if they had a place called Fried Chicken Hill

Jesse Jackson Reads Green Eggs and Ham

A Memorial Day interlude:

Gone fishing.

I'll be back after Memorial Day.

Unless Ted Kennedy dies and then I'll be back sooner.

How do you like dem apples, Ted?

Well, it seems like Ted Kennedy is on the verge of meeting Mary Jo Kopechne in heaven.

Oh wait, my mistake....

Pompous bootmaker

Last night old daughter and I were flicking through the channels looking for something to watch when we stumbled upon a movie called Hobson's Choice.

We read the tv guide description and decided to pass on it.

Seems it's about a pompous bootmaker.

Damn pompous bootmakers...as if i'd actually watch a movie about them.

What's next? Pompous landscapers? Pompous garbagemen?

We had a choice.

We chose not to watch the stupid film.

Pompous movie people.

Crazy Paul and Rory

Crazy Paul is a fellow retailer/friend (he has a store in Montreal)...he posts here once in a while and reads it most days.

He had a stroke a couple weeks ago and is on the mend. He'll probably come back more crazy.

And that's good.

Rory is another fellow retailer/friend (he has a store in San Francisco) and he reads the blog from time to time. I don't think he's ever commented on it.

He had surgery the other day. He fell into a coma. And now he's dead.

And that's bad.

A simple little quiz.

All you have to do is get the year that the following happened.

Answers will be at the end. Feel free to post your score.

A) What year did the Japanese bomb Pearl Harbor?

B) What year did the Japanese bomb the World Trade Center?

C) What year did the Japanese bomb the back of John F. Kennedy's head?

D) What year did Charles Mansonyakasaki and his Japanese followers go on a killing rampage?

E) What year did the Japanese land on the moon?

F) What year did Adolf Hitleryamamoto kill himself?

G) What year did the Japanese Beatles break-up?

H) What year did the Japanese bomb John Lennon?

Now clearly I goofed on the questions, but you're smart...you know what the real questions are. So answer them without reasearching.

Just curious.

-----------




-------------



-----------



------------


Answers

a-1941.

b-2001

c-1963

d-1969

e-1969

f-1945

g-1970

h-1980

John Kerry: Doctor of Laws

This is gonna be long and disjointed.

You've been warned.

So I'm at my daughter's graduation Saturday and the college presented John Kerry with some phony-baloney degree "Doctor of Laws".

And then he gave the commencement address.

First off I should correct myself....he's not ACTUALLY John Kerry. He's Kerry's Monster. Folks always think the Monster's name is Kerry, when in fact it's the name of the guy that built him from parts of rotting corpses.

Back to the commencement.

So the Monster is sitting on the stage before his speech and talking to the guy next to him and yawning, and tugging at his eyebrows and twitching and just being all Monstery and stuff.

And then he gets up to speak. He slowly walks to the podium. (I swear I heard shrieks of horror)

And his voice is all sore and raspy...and this is what he says:

"This is literally the first time today I opened my mouth."

AND RIGHT THERE I KNEW HE WAS A LYING, SEWN TOGETHER CORPSE!

I saw this douchebag speaking and opening his lying mouth a half hour before he began his speech. BUT HE SAID IT WAS LITERALLY THE FIRST TIME!.

Idiot.

Monsters are liars. Monsters are stupid. And this particular Monster lost to George W. Bush.

If you think the Kerry Monster is ugly on TV, you should see him in person. :::the willies::

Though to be fair I will say he had a certain charm and charisma. His speech was kinda fun, if not just full of Bush bashing and old recycled jokes ("Obama wears boxers and briefs, when someone asked John McCann what he wore he replied "depends."....humourous a little, but the same joke was used with Bob Dole years ago)

He also mentioned American Idol, The Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan and global warming.

And then at some point he was handed a note. He finished his speech and bolted out the side door.

Turns out he had to rush himself to Mass. General Hospital because his pal, Teddy Kennedy had some kinda seizure and now that he was a 'Doctor of Laws' he must have thought he could be of some help.

Or something.

So to sum up.

It's the Monster.

He's hideous.

He lies.

He has more charisma than one might think.

He operated on Ted Kennedy.

If you won the lottery....

First off, let me tell you about one of my rules.

Don't tell me about what you'll do with the money IF you win the lottery.

I don't care.

That being said, a guy comes in and tells me this story.

It seems he (Bob) and his pal (Dave) were sitting around discussing winning the huge lottery prize that's up for grabs.

And Bob tells Dave that if he wins the 100 million dollars that he'll give 1 million of it to Dave.

And Dave gets kinda mad that Bob is only going to give him 1 million out of his imaginary 100 million win.

And these two go back and forth and getting angry at each other over what Bob should give Dave (if of course, Bob wins)

My solution was for Dave to pretend that he was the winner instead of letting Bob pretend he was the winner.

Lottery Piltdown Men.

It's what I do.

Very late last night I snuck into your bedroom and stood over your bed and just watched you sleep.

For maybe 15 minutes or so.

I'm gonna learn you something.

What I'm about to tell you is true.

I've known it for years and years and have rarely shared this tidbit of learn with anyone.

It's something you see almost everyday (at least every week) and you probably rarely give it any thought.

The beautiful part is that once I tell you, and you see it, you will always think of me. Years and years from now I'll pop in your brain.

Except for those of you that already know this.

Heck, you guys might think of me also.

So are you ready? Open up your brains and absorb this knowledge.

99.9% of all movie rain is fake rain. They have rain machines. That way they can control the whole shoot.

If a movie is 'on location' and it starts raining they stop shooting. Because of the rain.

So to sum up:
Movie rain is almost always fake rain.

Think of me.

Hillary's Downfall

Not for children. Or Hoagy.

John Kerry trolling for college chicks

So my oldest is graduating from college this week and the commencement speaker is none other than....John Kerry.



My pal, John Kerry.



The dumbest guy on earth.



The guy who LOST to Bush after we saw Bush's first term.

That guy.

And when I heard he was the speaker my first thought was disrupttheproceedingsdisrupttheproceedingsdisrupttheproceedings (when I think, I don't space my words)




So anyhow, Liberal Daughter had to make me PROMISE that I wouldn't 'disrupt the proceedings'



Do you have any idea how proud that makes me feel? That my daughter thinks I'd actually disrupt the dumbest guy on the planet when he tells a group of college students how they are about to go out into the world and be stupid like him?



Why would I possibly want to disrupt that?



It's going to be glorious.



(Though if I meet him him I might 'slip up' and call him Mr. President or Mr Heinz.)

Yet another blog about capri pants.

So yesterday we're sitting around the dinner table and somehow it comes up that I don't allow Wifey to wear Capri Pants.

You'd swear I just burned down the Warsaw Ghetto.

Oldest daughter who is just back from being indoctrinated into a LiberalRobot (she's back from college) couldn't BELIEVE that I would forbid (suggest) that Wifey not wear capri pants.

OUTRAGE!

I failed to tell her that Wifey also forbids ME to wear capri pants.

So to sum up:

We're a capri-less family, well, except for Liberal College Teacher Kid who loves looking 10 pounds heavier and three inches shorter.

Happy Manila Envelope Day !

Most folks think of it as Mother's Day.

But my Mom died a few years ago so now I just take the six or seven bucks I would have spent on her and go out and buy some manila envelopes.

Someday (if Al Gore gets his way) they'll do away with manila envelopes and I'll have to do something else special with the six or seven dollars.

The Declaration of Independence (King George a douche)

Ever read it?

Folks think it's this great document. And the beginning of it is.

Kinda.

It says stuff like:

>>>>We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness<<<<<<<<<<<

Good stuff, correct?

Now go do a google search and read the whole thing.

Or should I sum it up?

I should sum it up....is that what you said?

Okay....about to sum up The Declaration of Independence. Possibly the most important document in US history (except maybe my unlimited texting plan with Verizon Wireless)

Here it comes. And I'm not making this up.

After all the life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness crap it's basically a document saying what a total douchebag King George is.

Numerous bullet points:

- King George is a douche.

-King George is a douche for taxes.

-King George is a douche for cutting off trade.

-King George is a douche for waging war against us (oh...boo-hoo-hoo....)

-King George is a douche for "quartering large bodies of troops against us" (boo-hoo-hoo)

-King George is a douche for not providing us with Trial By Jury (maybe you should quit breaking laws Mr. Colonist?)

-King George is a douche for 'plundering our seas' (admit it...that sounds kinda cool)

-King George is a douche for 'ravaging our coasts' (so does this)

-King George is a douche because he 'burnt our towns' (maybe not so cool...unless it was Roxbury or something)

And the document just goes on and on slammin' King George left and right.

Could they not say ANYTHING nice about the guy?

Even Hitler liked dogs. No mention of King George liking dogs.

Hitler>King George.

Is popcorn funny?

I've been married a very long time. Very, very long time.

Some of those years have even been happy years.

Those of you that know Wifey know that she rarely gives me the satisfaction of laughing at my antics.

She might laugh inside (doubtful) but not often. Though she will laugh if I cut myself, spill gravy on my leg, or otherwise hurt myself.

But standard humor fails in getting laughs from her. Or smiles.

(I think we all know why she's married to me)

Set-up complete:

So last night I'm eating popcorn and my little puppy is sitting on the floor just looking up at me with the saddest eyes you've ever seen in your life.

And I keep eating.

And she wells up with near tears wanting my popcorn.

And I keep eating.

And she looks so sad. Hungry. It's salted buttered popcorn and she wants some.

And I keep eating and shooting her a glance from time to time.

So very sad.

But I keep eating....enjoying every savory kernel of popped corn. Salt....butter....popcorn.

And my puppy just watches....incredibly sad. So hungry for my corn. Wanting, wanting, wanting....

So I look at her and say:

"It's POPcorn, not PUPcorn!"

And then I look at Wifey and the faintest trace of a smile is on her face.

And I know she adores me.

Dear Hillary,

Step away from the podium...

A Woman's Right To Vote

So last night while eating pizza, ice cream, and popcorn and flipping between the Celtics and The Red Sox I was reading the Constitution or Bill of Rights or something (it was the part with the amendment that gave woman the right to vote)

This happened around 1920 give or take.

And since that time:

-Hitler went from misunderstood artist to mass killer.

-Two atomic bombs were dropped on some asian country.

-A war with Korea.

-A war with Vietnam.

-No war with France.

-Kennedy, Kennedy, and Marty all shot dead.

-Ghandi won best picture over E.T.

-Highlander 2

-2003 ALCS.

-The Twin Towers fell. Or collapsed. Or something.

-and a bunch of other stuff women screwed up.

So to sum up:

Was giving women the right to vote REALLY such a good idea?

------------------------

Tomorrow we tackle the Emancipation Proclamation

Today I will solve the Homeless Problem (using the logic of the Hoag)

So the other day we're discussing homeless folks and folks that are hungry and stuff and the Hoag comes up with the solution:

Why don't they just check into the Four Seasons Hotel, get a nice comfy bed, order room service, problem solved.

But as I'm sure you notice there is a flaw to his logic.

Most homeless folks don't have money for nice swank hotels.

So the real problem ISN'T the homeless, it's the moneyless.

So the true solution for the moneyless is for them to sell their homes for a bunch of money, which of course will now make them homeless, but with oodles of cash to now stay and eat at the Four Seasons.

Problem solved.

And folks think us Republicans don't care.

"You build me a card house" (in a southern accent)

Back when the Hoag and I were about 15 years old or so we used to hang around this youth center that catered to drug addicts, problem kids, and hippies.

We mostly went there to hang out, meet chicks, and just stay warm. And it was next to one of the finest bakeries in the world and across the street from a fantastic diner.

So anyhow, each day after skipping school we'd go on down there. The place was set up with wire spools for tables, funky mismatched carpeting, and usually about 40 or so teenagers hangin out.

::getting to the point::

And this one guy, I'll call him Billy, used to sit Indian style on the floor and make card houses. Lots and lots of card houses.

The more he did them, the more elaborate they became.

And each day the Hoag would destroy them.

He's kick 'em over. Swat them over. Somersault over them. Drop rolls of pennies on them. Turn fans on and blow them over. Every which way.

And almost everyday this happened. And each time Billy would say (in a quasi-southern accent) "YOU BUILD ME A CARD HOUSE!"

(practice to yourself saying it with the accent for the full effect)

"YOU BUILD ME A CARD HOUSE!"

And Hoag would laugh and then move on to something else.

Next Day.

:::SMASH:::

"YOU BUILD ME A CARD HOUSE!"

And repeat.

This went on for months. All thru the winter and spring it became a game of sorts. Billy would try and finsish a card house before Hoag showed up and Hoag would try for a new elaborate way of destroying said card house.

And then one summer day it happened. We got down there and Billy wasn't there.

So Hoag decided to finally build him his card house. He used about 12 decks of cards and built this huge house of cards.

And Billy came out from where he was hiding, quietly snuck up on Hoag's card house, and gave it a mighty kick with his bare foot!

WHAM! Cards flew!

Billy screamed!

You see my friends....Hoag had built that card house around a cinderblock and a few bricks we had found out back.

And legend has it that Billy never picked up a deck of cards again....

Dingoes did NOT eat her baby.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,354054,00.html

Balls

Over the years me and the neighbor guy Dave across from my house have played practical jokes on each other.

But not recently.

So this moring I wake up, get out of bed, drag a comb across my head (whoops....Beatles digression)...anyhow, I wake up and look out the window and there scattered all around my front yard are soccer balls.

Lots and lots of soccer balls.

So I go downstairs and say to Wifey "Did you see the front yard?"

And she said "Yup...and I just texted Dave... NICE BALLS!"

I laughed. She laughed.

Then I told her it was Hoagy that left the soccer balls all over our lawn.

And now Dave thinks he has nice balls.

Porn Mule Womb Slaughter

Okay, today we're going to try something different. Or the same. Or something.

I'm gonna read an actual news story and just copy and paste in the highlights. At the end I'll leave a link and you can read the whole story.

But why bother? I'm giving you the good stuff.

1. pornography is a Jewish plot against women

2. "the genocide of the white race" that pornography is causing.

3. One man can now genocide the wombs of thousands of women

4. Porn mule womb slaughter

5. Tony Zirkle looks like the perfect candidate for Congress

6. an invitation to address a group of swastika-wearing, Sieg-Heiling Nazi party members

7. pornography is causing — an "unholy pornocaust" against white Christian women

8. We now have a small army of male black porn stars

9. Abraham Lincoln called for African-Americans to be deported back to Africa

10. I’m the father of three beautiful Jewish Christian children

11. I’m obviously not going to be out for gassing innocent Jews

12. most of the early porn stars were Jewish men

13. infecting them with sexually transmitted diseases that leave them barren




http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,353536,00.html

Do we really want Hillary in charge of The Button?

Actual email sent to Cousin Saul for an ebay item from a douche from France (Where else?)

------------------------------------

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Hello,

I well received your message being said me that it lacked 22.70 in dollars for expedier my toy, I send you of the that possible remains it of are it for I had small concerns of bank, but I always want this object therefore I would pay it to you trés quickly.

While thanking you.

Tom Cruise had an affair with Cher

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24375849/

Why do they call it an affair? Shouldn't it just be called dating?

Rumor has it that Tom Cruise also had an affair with Judy Garland, Liza Minelli, and Liz Taylor.

But not all at once.

Rumor also has it that Tom Cruise likes gravy.

I rolled the blog dice and up came GRAVY

I have an eight year old dog (puppy) and she's a tiny little thing...maybe 7 pounds.

For most of those years she only ate puppy food. We tried never to give her food from the table.

And she was fine with it.

But after about 7 years or so I started feeling a bit guilty. So I'd give her a bite of this or a bite of that (She preferred 'bites of that')

And then she came to expect it and she became nervy. Big time nervy. Panting and jumping and running around in circles whenever I was eating and not giving her some.

Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.

I'm trying to teach or manners. Or something.

So anyhow, last night I'm finishing up dinner at the table (my chair in the TV room) and I decided I'd give her my leftover gravy (how I had leftover gravy is anybody's guess)

I scrape the gravy into her little bowl and then go back to my chair.

She devours the gravy. Smacking her lips and making contented puppy noises.

And then comes back into TV room with a big ol' grin on her face, tail a waggin', and she's just about the happiest person on earth.

She looked like I just gave her a new ipod or something.

The Yard Work Princess

So last week was vacation week at school and my daughter got us a jump on spring yard work.

She edged. She mulched the front. She powerwashed the deck. She stained and waterproofed the deck. And general clean up.

But there was still work to be done. The whole back and sides needed mulch put down. Spring cleanup. And the lawn needed mowing.

But she felt she worked hard enough all week on her vacation so me and Wifey did the rest.

Numerous wheelbarrow loads later....

Wifey finished up her part.....I still had about a half hour to go.

When all of a sudden The YardWork Princess (Nazi? Vampire?) came out into the daylight and slowly sauntered around the house inspecting mine and Wifey's work!

She saw me out back. Lawnmower. Mulch. Rake.

Didn't wave.

Didn't say hello.

Just inspected. Random nods at our work. Slow stroll around the house. More nods.

Never a word.

Back inside house.



The point of the story?

I hope me and Wifey did a good job so we'll get hired again next year.

Happy Birthday, Oldest Daughter!

Back by popular demand...The Switchblade post.

All through the 1960's and 1970's The Hoag (My pal Hoagy's nickname) wanted a real switchblade knife. A big one. He could never get one as they weren't allowed in the state we grew up in. He wanted one bad.

He had every other stupid weapon a kid could want except the damn Switchblade.

Slingshots, wristrockets,brass knuckles,knives,those ninja star things,blackjacks, etc....but no Switchblade.

The 1980's begin and we decide to take a bus to New York City. Me for fun. The Hoag for The Switchblade. We get a hotel in Times Square somewhere around maybe 57th street (The Sheraton City Squire),dump our 'luggage' and head on down to 42nd street.

Now in the early 80's 42nd St. was still one wicked bad place...the second you turn the corner the dealers and whores and every other lowlife would approach you trying to get your money. The first guy just says "mescaline". The second guy says "Whatcha looking for?"

And this is where the story really begins:
So Hoag says (in his cool street voice) "A blade....a big one" And the guy (from now on called the Dude) says "I'll get you one for $100.00...in advance". The Hoag doesn't hesitate for a second and whips out $100 and hands it to the Dude. The Dude tells us to follow him and starts taking us into every sleazy place on 42nd street...peep shows, porn stores, whore houses, dope houses, Popeye's Fried Chicken,...in through the front door, out through the back or side doors, up and down the street when finally the Dude says "wait here"...so we do.

About 5 minutes later the Dude comes out with a package and is kinda panting and says 'Quick...jam this down your pants..the cops!" The Hoag follows instructions and then out of the blue says to the Dude..."here's a little something more for going the extra mile" and slips the guy another $20. The Dude says "Thanks...now cheese it..the cops!"

Let me tell you something, me and The Hoag took off so goddamn fast...we just started running down 42nd street and then took a left and headed to our hotel...15 blocks non stop as fast as we could with cops chasing us...panting, laughing, shoving people out of the way,back and forth across the streets dodging traffic and finally into the revolving door of the City Squire...up the elevator...and finally to our room.

Hoag slams the door. Puts the chain on the door. Bolts the door. Grabs a chair and puts it in front of the door. Draws the curtains. I've never seen him so happy...so excited, so nervous. He pulls the wrapped switchblade out of the front of his pants and sits on the bed. I sit on the other. He's giddy. He starts unwrapping his holy grail...it's beautiful. It's black like he wanted. He holds it. Turns it over in his hand. Smiles. He pushes the button on the handle and the blade swings into action.

The blade is a comb. A $1.49 switchblade comb you can buy in any joke shop in America.

It just might have been the greatest moment of my life.

A Shrimp on Barbie

So did everyone read the creepy story of the 73 years old guy from Austria that kept his daughter stashed down in the basement for about twenty years and had like 6 or 7 kids with her?

http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/europe/04/28/austria.cellar/index.html

Some of the kids never ever saw sunlight.

I don't think I'll ever move to Austria if they don't have sunlight there.

GO RED SOX!

Space Shuttle flights...big freakin' deal.

All these years I've thought the Space Shuttle was awesome....blasting off into "space".

Such a risky thing!

Or maybe not.

You see, the Space Shuttle "blasts off" and goes up roughly 100-1000 miles up into what is called low earth orbit.

A hundred miles or so...maybe a few hundred miles up. Whoop-dee-woo!

Big flippin' deal. I drive about 60 miles a day to work.

Earlier this year I flew to Texas which was probably 1800 miles or so.

Am I a "hero" like Space Shuttle "astronauts" who fly all of 100 miles up and then turn off engines and just glide around in a circle?

I don't turn my motor off and I drive on bumpy roads. A hero.

And I have gravity to deal with.

Tech Tone is just a faint but still annoying memory

So to sum up:

Wanna piss me off? Just start beeping.

Wanna make me happy? Don't beep to begin with.

Wanna make me super happy? Don't vote for Hillary.....She's a *beeping* asshole!

Tech Tone

See if you can follow this:

If you've talked to me on the phone in the last two days you've noticed a super annoying beeping on my phone line (tech tone)

I hate super annoying beeping (I get earaches you know!)

So anyhow I call up Verizon to have them fix the problem.

Verizon tells me they are not my provider and I should call whoever is my provider.

So I call AT&T and go thru about 20 minutes of Sexy Computer Voice Tech Help Robot Girl. I'm never actually allowed to ax a question. She prompts me every step of the way.

Just now VERIZON (apparently possibly my provider) called me to let me know a technician will be sent out to fix the problem.

I ask if I'll have to pay them.

They said no, but I might have to pay AT&T.

I've got the tech tone on my line from AT&T and Verizon tells me they'll be out to fix it but I might have to pay AT&T if they come in my shop.

If they don't come in my shop I don't pay AT&T or Verizon.

So if you want to hear actual tech tone give me a call within the next hour or so. It's REAL LOUD on my end....a bit softer on yours. But it's a constant beeping tone due to tech.

Tech Tone.

(I HATE CHEW!)

Basketball Jonez

So I'm listening to the radio this morning and they're interviewing one of the Boston Celtics.

It went something like this:

RADIO GUY: "Pretty impressive win...what are you going to do in game 3?"

BASKETBALL BRAINIAC: "Well....I'll tell you what we're NOT gonna do...we're not gonna rest our laurels."

------------------

Now as a sports fan this concerns me. I get nervous when my sports heroes have tired laurels!

(I'm resting my laurels right now)

SO TO SUM UP:
Play the game, don't speak.

The Wisdom of Cousin Saul

So Cousin Saul is in a store a few months back and sees this woman with a helium-filled mylar balloon with the proclamation in bright letters emblazoned across it that said something like: WORLD'S GREATEST HUSBAND (or something as equally stupid)

So Cousin Saul approaches her and says (I'm paraphrasing):

SAUL: "Hello ma'am, you do know that NO man on Planet Earth likes getting a helium filled mylar balloon for ANY occasion. EVER."

MA'AM: "Oh."

---------
We also don't like calendars, stuffed animals, 'joke gifts', plants, and other crap you think we'll like.

We DO like: movie passes, gift cards, money, ballgame tickets, t-shirts (NO writing on them) and laser pointers.

Sum Yueng Pup

So I get home last night and notice that my puppy has had a haircut (a furcut?) so asked my daughter.

Here is that conversation:

ME: "Did puppy get a haircut?"

HER: "Yup, I did it today. Doesn't she look Chinese?"

ME: ::laughs::

---------------------

But then I thought about it for a few minutes and realized that I never knew that Chinese dogs looked different from American dogs.

Gorilla Warfare 1966

Back when I was a little kid I'd watch the news with my Uncle Len. I'd sit quietly with him each night and watch Walter Cronkite tell the nation (the USA) about the war in Vietnam.

I vividly remember Walter telling us that Guerillas were killing US soldiers.

But I was a little kid and all I heard was Gorillas were killing US soldiers.

GORILLAS!

And as horrible as it was that Gorillas were killing our Army Guys (I called them Army Guys)....it was still kinda neat that we were at war with Gorillas.

And when I went to bed I often thought about my Army Guys fighting Gorillas. And Gorillas killing them.

And once in a while Walter would mention that the Army Guys killed a bunch of Gorillas...and that was cool.

It seemed to get a nod of approval from Uncle Len.

It never dawned on me to question my Uncle Len about the Gorillas. No need to. Walter Cronkite told me every night that Gorillas were surprising and killing our Army Guys.

I think adults thought I was weird watching the news every night.

But it was Gorilla War and I was fascinated by it.

Then for some reason I stopped watching about the Gorillas.

Maybe a year went by. Or so.

And then Uncle Len's son came back from the Army.

He came to my house and he looked awesome in his uniform. Big. Handsome. Tough.

And I remembered the Gorillas.

So I pulled him aside and pretended I wanted to show him something in my room and then asked him if he fought any gorillas.

And he just kinda smiled and said no.

And he had no idea why I asked him that.

But I knew in my heart he killed some Gorillas.

The N Word

So last night Hoag is telling a story and it's vital to the story to use the N Word (Nafrican Namerican)....but we're in a crowded restaurant.

But he says Nafrican Namerican anyhow. Numerous times.

And I'm cringing because he's saying it fairly loud.

And the guys behind him can clearly hear him say Nafrican Namerican.

Like I said...it was important to the story to use the Nafrican Namerican word or the story wouldn't have the impact it did without it.

But still....

::cringe::

The Cerebral One

So last night on buddy nite, Me, The Hoag, and The Blonde were joined by an old friend from the 1970s.

We'll call him Greg.

I haven't seen him since probably 1982.

So we picked up right where we left off and yucked it up for about 4 hours or so. It was better than fun.

It was Greg Fun.

And at one point Greg says to me:

"I always thought of you as the cerebral one, and Hoagy as the slapstick one."

At first I didn't quite agree with that.

Until I thought about it. And dissected it. And mulled it over.

(I'm a muller)

So now maybe I agree.

But I also kinda wish I was the slapstick one. That's a good rep to have.

"Hey! There goes the Slapstick one!....he sure is fun!"

Nobody ever says: "Hey! There goes Joey Cerebral...I wanna hang with him!"

So now the gauntlet has been thrown....and I'm gonna be the Slapstick Cerebral one!

Or at least laugh at Hoag as he tries to win.

Which he won't. Though he does do a mean baby cry, a great Elvis, a fantastic Vinnie Barbarino, a decent Robert DeNiro and most cartoon characters.

Crap.

I'm gonna lose!

-----------------------

Dear Greg,

Thanks for ruining my life.

Love,
The Cerebral One

The Nerd Store

This super cool guy just walked by my shop with his babe-tacular girlfriend (I know he was cool cuz his hat was on backwards) and he said:

"And that's The Nerd Store."



::hold me::

Unpublished blog drafts

Usually when I write one of these blogs I do so right when I get into work before it gets busy.

But every so often I get interupted right off the bat and the blog never gets finished and I lose my whole train of thought.

A few weeks ago I deleted all of those drafts...or so I thought. Three of them I forgot to totally delete.

Here are their titles:

1. AAA

I have no clue whatsover as to what that was gonna be. Baseball? Auto clubs?

2. (untitled post)

Once again no clue. Normally I start with the title first. It makes it easier. But an untitled post could be just about anything. Hillary? Hitler? Hoag? Maybe a blog about food? Country Fried something or other?

and now #3

#3 had potential but looking back on it I have no idea what my train of thought was that day (5/23/07)

3. Beatle on Beatle Crime

I love the title! I'm sure it was a winner!

But I never finished it (or started it)

So guess what? You're gonna write my blog today.

50 words or less on Beatle on Beatle Crime.

Winner gets a prize. Possibly even from me.

Slut Control 2

So last night Wifey was next door and I was alone and wanted to watch the Red Sox.

But the Red Sox were pre-empted by the Bruins(??) playoff hockey(??) game. And the Red Sox were gonna be shown on some other channel.

So I started clicking thru the channels to find the Red Sox (not the Bruins) and came across Slut Control 2 on a On-Demand channel.

And I had this weird desire to watch Slut Contol 2. I might have even demanded it. It was On Demand, afterall.

But it didn't feel right to watch Slut Control 2. Wifey was out and somewhere the Red Sox were on.

But Slut Control 2 kept demanding that I watch it.

But I refused. I was in control. Not Slut Control 2.

There was NO WAY I was gonna watch Slut Control 2.

Slut Control 2.

I could and would resist it's tempting premise.

At least until I saw Slut Control 1.

(Which I heard is the better of the two...though not as good as Slut Control 3.)

PS:
I ended up watching the stupid Bruins game which was actually kinda exciting...though it would have been even better if they were sluts.

The New York Yankees

So I'm at the Red Sox/Yankees game last night. The first seven hours were kinda fun, the second seven hours kinda dragged.

But that's not what I'm here to discuss.

I'm here to discuss fans.

Fans are stupid. Red Sox fans have this urge to chant: "Yankees Suck! Yankees Suck! Yankees Suck!"

Now while true, it gets old quite fast. It's just not clever. Though true.

Truth is not always clever.

Now I'm about to do something I never thought I'd do. I'm about to compliment Yankee fans.

Me.

Complimenting Yankee Fans.

The Yankees have a player named Jorge Posada. I hate him more than any smelley Yankee ever. Chinless milksop that drives me nuts.

And he's good. Looks a bit like a weasel. No chin. Smells odd.

I hate him.

And the name 'Jorge' is pronounced: Whore-Hey!

So the Yankee fans in attendence last night get this chant going when he comes to the plate....and it goes like this:

"Hip Hip Jorge! Hip Hip Jorge! Hip Hip JORGE!"

(Sounds like Hip hip Hooray! Hip hip Hooray!)

And there you have it. Even the suckiest of sucks can be clever.

Yankees suck!

Horror and suffering. Possibly some gravy.

Let's be serious for a bit...there is trouble all around the world.

The US is in a few wars, starving children and genocide in the Sudan, Japanese internment camps still in California, Global warming, flooding, earthquakes, tsunamis, social unrest in China.

So much suffering all around us.

The 'Feeble Minded' experiment north of our border that's gone awry.

Drought, famine, racial bigotry.

So much horror all around us.

So the other night I'm out to eat and I'm sitting at the bar area and the waiter delivers my meal...turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, corn, biscuit....and all covered in gravy.

So in my little part of the world things are good.

WRONG!

I go to put salt on my turkey and instead of just having a normal salt shaker that folks have used since the dawn of the dinosaur I have to use this stupid salt shaker that I have to turn over and grind up the large chunks of salt that is in the jar so it becomes like the FREAKIN' SALT SHOULD BE IN THE FIRST PLACE!
----------------------------------
Dear 99 Restaurant,

Don't complicate my life! Put a damn normal salt shaker on the table! Sorry I didn't go to MIT to learn how to use your stupid salt mulcher!

Idiots.

Something as simple as salt should be as simple as salt. Don't make me think when there is gravy on my plate!

Love,
Steve

-----------

So much suffering in my part of the world.

The Standing Ovation

Very strange.

I'm driving to work today on the Mass Pike and I notice a car pulled over with a guy standing next to it applauding. On the Mass Pike.

And then the more I drove the more I noticed more and more cars pulled over with the (I assume) drivers applauding while standing next to said cars. Dozens of cars.

At first.

So I'm thinking maybe the Red Sox are scheduled to drive by or maybe some soldiers or Obama or something. But there is no mention of it on the radio.

Maybe the marathon is early? Perhaps a parade?

Then I drive by the rest stop/ gas station thingy and now there are like hundreds of people there standing and applauding. And not really at anything in particular.

The closer I get to Boston the more cars are pulled over...on both sides of the Pike! Motorcades don't drive down both sides.

The Pike is now almost deserted of actual cars driving....everyone is on the sides and the lines are now two deep. It's starting to freak me out.

The applauding stays constant.

Finally it's time to get off the Pike and the off-ramp is now clogged with folks clapping and whistling and hooting and hollering!

And the Toll Guy is standing in front of his booth and waves me thru without paying! And he's clapping.

Very odd.

So now I'm driving on side streets to my shop. And guess what?

Folks are standing in front of their houses and clapping and hootin' and hollerin'...so I decide to start going down even smaller side streets to see if it ends.

It doesn't! Every little side road all the way to my shop has folks applauding and smiling and just whoopin' it up.

Finally I get to where I'm going. I park out back and walk around to the front.

HA!

All the shop owners and customers are lining the street as if a parade is coming by or something. Smiles everywhere!

But there is no parade. No police. None of the usual signs of anything unusal.

Virtually no traffic. Just folks clapping.

And clapping. And clapping.

Finally I just go up to the guy next door and ask him:

ME: "So what the heck is going on? Did we win a war or something? For the last twenty miles folks have just been screaming and clapping and having a good old time. What is going on?"

HIM: "It's 65 degrees out and the sun is shining! Rejoice my friend! The long winter of hell is over!"

----------

PS: I made all that up. It didn't really happen.

It should have.

The Hitler

About two weeks ago this guy walks by my shop and he's sportin' a Hitler mustache.


Really.


Is that a chick magnet?


A statement?


A drunken style choice?


A new trend?

What posseses one to walk around with said Fuhrer Fuzz?

Now most guys at one point or another in their lives have 'experimented' with a Hitler 'stache. But only when alone in a locked bathroom when they can seig heil in private (and maybe comb their hair in the Hitler 'do.)

But out in public? A Hitler Mustache? I think not.

In fact it's in the handbook: NO HITLER 'staches IN PUBLIC. EVER! (Halloween exemption)

I havn't seen ol' Joey Stachey McGruder since he walked by....but I'm hoping he pops in sometime. Might be a hoot.

Did I mention I think he was Mexican? (The guy, not Hitler)

(I love mentioning race when it has nothing to do with the story. OLE!)

It's Opening Day at Fenway Park

Leave me alone.

Scoldy, The Kung-Fu Panda

So the other night I was at the movies and in the lobby was a large cardboard stand-up advertising a new Pixarian film called KUNG-FU PANDA.

Seems like a cute idea. Giant panda that uses the lost art of kung-fu.

Kung-Fu Panda.

I was sold just by the name alone.

Until I got to my seat and the lights went dim.

The show started by having a 'presentation' of the rules of the cinema told to me by...yup, the KUNG-FU PANDA.

No this, no that. No Cell Phones.

And then he got angry and pointed right at me and said in his deep menacing Panda voice: "AND NO TEXTING!! People can hear YOU!!"

Keep in mind I was at an IMAX theatre about to see the Rolling Stones. Nobody could hear me texting. If in fact I was texting.

Which I was.

Until ScoldyLocks shamed me.

I HATE CHEW KUNG-FU PANDA!!!

Chuck Chuck Bo Buck, Banana Fana Fo Fuck

Fee Fi Fo Fuck....CHUCK!

You will be missed my friend.

(Soylent Green was people)

Ladies and Gentlemen....The Rolling Stones!

So we go to the IMAX theatre last night to see SHINE A LIGHT (the new Rolling Stones movie by Martin Scorsese) and it was amazing how distracted The Hoag got by the Kung-Fu Panda cardboard stand-up thing in the lobby.

But anyhow....the movie review:

Fantastic sound, great to look at.

The actors playing the Rolling Stones seemed a bit old and ugly, but all and all they did a great job making you believe they were really The Rolling Stones.

I think it was Kurt Russell playing Keith and I think Jon Cryer played Mick.

The Robot Burger King...Marty?

Did I imagine this?

Did I Have A Dream?

As if the Burger King king ain't creepy and scary enough, now they have Robot Burger King.

I'll call this king Marty, in honor of Martin Luther King who was "shot to death" 40 years ago today.

And everytime from this day forward when eating a Burger King burger I will think of Marty.

The Civil Rights Marty, not the robotic new Robot Burger King.

(I wonder when someone will shoot the Burger King?)

Why I'm a failure.

I'll tell you why.

As hard as I try I can't talk like Yoda. I just can't get the speech pattern down and it kinda pisses me off.

Hoag can do it well. He says stuff the Yoda way and even sounds like him.

Cake can do it well when typing. I have no idea if she can actually sound like him.

When I try and speak like Yoda (and who doesn't!) I sound more like Bizarro Superman.

Or a retard.

It ain't fair.

I could try right here for you all but I'd just be ridiculed. And we can't have that.

(GOD....I hope I don't throw a baseball like a girl)

Bad Palindromes

A Man, A Plan, A Canal, Suez

Out of Context Theatre

The following is from something written by one of our presidential candidates. In his own words.

It's easy to guess who said all of this.





-I reached down with my mouth

-I went up to the top again

-and it would last for a long time

- About an hour later in came a guy called "The Cat."

-who came in "for special attention"

-A lot of them were homosexual

- I pulled

-The mob was really getting up-tight.

-successful moon shot

-from young people

-dressed only in my skivvies

-The Rabbit and the others worked on Dick Stratton very hard.

-They just pounded the hell out of him

- Another beautiful thing

-it was a riot

-he was a wrestler in college

-Sometimes I got it three or four times a week.

-The Soft-Soap Fairy came to my room one day

-We started bathing

-It was all very amazing

-I stayed in that one

-I received my first package

-I loved them

-I had a hell of a hemorrhoid

-There would be a red glow

-We called him Slopehead.

-but it was filthy dirty

-very hard to chew

-You're a black criminal.

-but I kept vomiting

-The Oriental, as you may know, likes to beat around the bush quite a bit.





And that my friends is another installment of Out Of Context Theatre!


Hope you enjoyed!


If I feel like it I'll post a link to the complete production later.

John Adams

So everyone has been gushing about the HBO series John Adams and how great it is.

I don't have HBO so I'm out of the loop.

But Wifey bought the book that the series is based on.

And I read about a third of it yesterday. And it's fantastic.

So now I'm ahead of the loop. Which means I'm better than you.

And don't get me started on Thomas Jefferson...'Mister We Want Freedom and Independence'...'Mr I Have 200 Slaves Douchebag'. And George Washington....Georgey I Have 100 Slaves and wear a fancyman wig'

And for some reason John Adams ain't on our money but these prick racist slave owners are?

John Adams is awesome. George and Thomas not so much.
.
And Ben Franklin is kind of a bumbling fool.

So To Sum Up:
Yesterday I could have watched Planet of the Apes...you know, that movie about Apes making humans their slaves but instead I read about John Adams.

You should too.

PS:I watched some of the morning news shows yesterday and Hillary was extra screachy. With that voice of hers I can picture her as the white Prissy going all Butterfly McQueeny in the White House....you know, when someone else gets elected.

I'm from Bulgaria

A gal just walked by the shop wearing a shirt that said 'I'm From Bulgaria' on the front.

I was shocked she wasn't attractive.

Willie Mays

So we're out last night at one of those authentic Japanese restaurants (you know...were the chef is Vietnamese)...and they cook and perform at your table.

Dicing and slicing and flames and flippin' and serving and yin-yang-yowing and stuff.

So the Vietnamese chef (his name was Louie) grills up some zuccinni and flips it up in the air for the Blonde to catch in her mouth.

Well, the Blonde ain't no good at it and she looks a bit like a retarded seal at the Special Seal Olympics and the piece of zuccinni falls to the floor.

Very sad.

And then Louie flicks a piece high in the air for me to catch with my mouth. It was like in slow motion...turning and twisting towards me...the crowd was roaring, anticipation was in the air (along with the grilled squash)..and like Willie Mays in the '54 World Series I was all about the CATCH.

And I caught it in my mouth, we won the World Series, and the crowd roared.


Well, maybe not roared. In fact, by the time the zuke hit my mouth the Blonde and the Hoag were already discussing something else.

Point of the story?
Vietnamese are the best Japanese. And I can catch squash in my mouth like a non-retarded seal.

If seals ate squash.

The handle was made out of crackers.

Don't you hate when you're having an argument with someone and then seven hours later you come up with a brilliant retort.

But now it's too late?

I hate that.

Or when you think of the funny thing you should have said....five hours ago.

I hate that.

Do you remember earlier today when I blogged about the crappy squee-gee I bought?

Did I mention the handle was made out of crackers and the blade part was made of balsa wood?

:::huge volumes of laughter:::

Thank you...thank you....

Everything is a dollar!

Well, today I went into a dollar store for my first time. I needed a squee-gee thingy to wash the windows.

The sign on the Dollar Store proclaimed in huge letters...EVERTHING IS A DOLLAR!

They seemed to be running a special on wireless accessories for $7.99

My squee-gee cost a dollar, but it broke (I'm not making this up) fifteen seconds after I took it out of the package.

So To Sum Up:
My windows are dirty, I'm out a dollar, and Hillary is a big ugly dyke.

Finally...the Letter Game !

The subject today will be Hillary and her beauty.

Your letters are:

D-M-H-F-A-T

The rules are simple...make up a sentence using those letters as the first letter of each word. Sentence must be six words and speak of Hillary Clinton's natural beauty.

Winner will get a free vomit bag or laser eye surgery.

Or something.

It's Opening Day

And the Red Sox just won. In Japan.

::bows::

Here are some things that normally bother me but won't today because it's Opening Day.

1. Cousin Saul's movie reviews.

2. Capri Pants...go ahead Broads, wear 'em, I don't care today!

3. People that don't get to the point. Ramble all you want. I'll pretend I'm listening.

4. Yankee fans. Go ahead...root for your second place team all you want. It's adorable.

5. Julia Roberts

6. Hillary Clinton

7. Al Gore and his phony-baloney global warming money making scheme.

8. John Kerry/Celene Dion...no need for a long face today....it's Opening Day!

9. Peas. (I HATE CHEW!) but today...we're friends.

10. car salesmen/cell phone providers/telemarketers/contractors/auto mechanics (though I will hate them twice as much tomorrow.

SO TO SUM UP:
It's Opening Day. Life is good.

The Flirtini

Wifey and I were out at a restaurant Saturday night and decided to eat in the bar area.

Female bartender.

And something called a Flirtini on the drink menu. A Flirtini.

I have no desire to drink said concoction. But I do have an overwhelming desire to order one.

And I want to order the Flirtini in a very flirtacious way. With the female barkeep.

So I practice on Wifey a few of my 'flirty' ordering ways.

First One: No reaction

Second One: No reaction

Third one: "Knock it off...you're an idiot."

Fourth one: ::tiny, tiny upward curve of Wifey's mouth showing how amused she is::

FEMALE BARKEEP: "Can I get you two some drinks?"

ME: "Yup...we'd like such and such bottle of wine."

The Point Of Story?:
It ain't about the Flirtini...it's about Wifey every once in a great while showing her mouth curl up into a slight smile when I act like an asshole in a public place.

PS:
The bartender was kinda plain so I decided not to waste my flirtin' chops on her.

Real guns that look like toys.

This might be the dumbest story ever.

These aint toy guns that look real...these are real guns that look like toys.

And folks are bitching about this.

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=4501190&page=1

Proof that the Bible is all truth

If it was fiction there wouldn't be two characters named Mary. And there wouldn't be two key guys named John.

In fiction that would be way too confusing.

So To Sum Up:

I'm now going to heaven.

A Romantic Interlude at the IANO Household

I'm getting ready to leave for work this morning and I put my arms around Wifey's waist and look her in the eye and say:

ME: "Will you marry me?"

WIFEY: "No."
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Brings a tear to your eye, correct?

Random Bible thoughts on Easter Week

So you go into most folks homes and they have a bible. Maybe even two or three.

And you know what's weird? Most of them are in pristine condition. (usually in Catholic households)

Which means one of two things: They're either very careful when reading them or they never read them at all.

Now most of you that know me, know that I'm not religious. But I've read the bible. I read it like a book. A history book. I started at the beginning and read it right thru. Once.

The first half reads like fiction. I think the second half is supposed to be non-fiction.

The first half (the made up stuff) is all sci-fi-ey with folks living until they're 800 years old and powerful beings creating stuff (and resting and stuff)....probably some dinosaurs in there and some begottin' and some beholdin'

And then you get to the important part of the book.

The Jesus parts.

And it's all blah blah blah LOVE blah blah blah LOVE blah blah blah LOVE blah blah blah LOVE.

And that gets boring. I'd rather be with my wife or kids or friends whom I ummmm....LOVE. Crap. (and when I say LOVE my friends, that means the female friends. The guy friends, I like)

Or maybe watch some TV shows and movies and read me some books which I ummmmmmm....uhhhh....LOVE.

But the Bible keeps talking about Love this one and Love that one (I'd swear the Bible was writin' by the Beatles or something)
______________

And don't you hope that one day they'll find all those missing chapters of the Bible when Jessie was a teenager and flirtin' with chicks and causing mischief. God don't want ya seeing those years. The Christ was wild. I think.

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And then when you do go into someone's home that has a well read beat up Bible, it's got like thirty little pieces of paper bookmarking different passages.

Can't these people remember what they've read? Why don't they just read the whole thing again...from start to finish? You know, because it's a book. With a beginning, a middle, and an end.

I love the STAND by Stephen King but I don't just read the Tunnel scene over and over again....I read the whole book. Cuz It's great and I love it. Just like Jesus told me. (Now I want to read the tunnel scene...crap)

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One more thing about the Bible.

For folks that don't want to spend a lot of money:

Whenever you get invited to a wedding, give the bride and groom a new Bible that they won't read. They'll think how special it is is and it'll only set you back $20.00 or so. And nobody would dare call you a cheap bastard.

You gave them a Bible that they'll Love not reading!

Possibly Resting I. P.

No, no, no.....not Kinchloe from Hogan's Heroes. Though we'll give him an R.I.P. anyhow.

Today's blog is kinda sad as someone we all liked probably died today from botched surgery.

I'm just glad they didn't owe me money.

Very, very sad that you're probably dead.

You might be missed if you died.

If you survived....well, it's kinda like it was yesterday.

Only more rain.

Why Jews don't eat pork.

(I saw those eyes roll!)

I'm gonna tell you why Jews don't eat pork. It should be riveting.

Years and years ago there was This Jew who was a friend of The Jesus and right before The Jesus was about to be killed This Jew ran out from the crowd screaming:

"No Kill Jesus! No Kill Jesus!" (That's how they talked back then)

But they did anyhow (but that's another story for later this week)

So over the years the story got passed down about the Brave Jew who tried to stop the murder of Jesus.

But the guy passing down the story was partially dyslexic and it got translated as: "No Llik Susej, No Llik Susej."

Which sounded like: "No lick sausage, no lick sausage!"

And the Jews obeyed the message.

And that my friends is why Jews don't eat pork (which is stupid because pork is bacon, sauasage, ham, and baby back ribs...and why wouldn't you want to eat those? !)

R.I.P the second B in ABBA

You will be missed.

http://music.aol.com/news/story/_a/abba-drummer-found-dead-in-garden/20080317073909990002

This should only take 44 seconds.

Yup...it's a dream I had.

Having a party at my house and I'm going around the room and taking drink orders when all of a sudden I get to Bill Clinton sitting on my sofa.

ME: "Hi Bill...what can I get for you?"

BILL CLINTON: "How about a bottle of grub..."

Then I woke up wondering what the heck a bottle of grub was.

PS
Earlier in the dream Hillary appeared, and no lie...she was charming and I was flirting with her.

PPSS
In real life I think Hillary is a bottle of grub.

Dear Al Gore, You big stupid annoying idiot who lost to George W. Bush and knows nothing about anything and should just go away and leave us all alone

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,337710,00.html

Important Folks

Years ago before cell phones, me and The Hoag went to Las Vegas for a trade show, and every day at meal time the Hoag would ask the manager of the restaurant in the hotel for a phone to be placed on our table.

And like everything in Vegas, they take care of your requests.

So for six days and eighteen meals we had a phone on our table. Almost BatPhone-ish.

But nobody we knew had that phone number or even wanted to call us.

But we had a phone on our table! And we were important.

Guess who?

He was a man of peace

He was strangely attractive

He had exceptional vigor

He was surprisingly conciliatory, sensitive and warm.

He loved children

Landlords all remembered him for his civility and pleasant disposition

He devoured the books of three public libraries

He dreamt fleetingly of becoming a Benedictine monk.

He had an inner strength and was guided by his spirit and his instincts

His intellectual curiosity was limitless.

His thirst for knowledge was unquenchable

At no stage in his life did he spend anything on himself

He wrote poetry

He believed deeply in God

At midnight he would interrupt his work and prepare the food for his dog

It was an entirely natural thing for him to stop his car and share his food with young cyclists along the road.

He had deep blue eyes that many found bewitching

He could not bear to eat meat, because it meant the death of a living creature.

The very clarity of his reasoning made everything obvious.

He knew far more than thousands of diploma-decorated academics

You can read more about this dude here: http://library.flawlesslogic.com/enigma.htm

(all the above are from the article in the link)

The Four Ounce Penis

I'm driving to work this morning and out came that fact on the radio.

The average human penis weighs four ounces. Even in it's different incarnations.

Four ounces.

And of course with a tidbit ::snicker:: like that, it made me think...

1. Who is doing the weighing?

2. Does it pay well?

3. Benefits? ::snicker::

4. Doesn't Hillary look like she could lose more than four ounces?

Four ounces. Seems so insignificant.

The least these weighers of penis could do is call it a Quarter Pounder. Seems so much more....so much more....so much more...ummmmm....meaty or something.

Four ounces.

Just another reason not to vote for Hillary.

Maybe it ain't just Sparkle and Lois on The Dope

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,336817,00.html

Bad Tattoos

Over there on my links list is something called Bad Tattoos (no...Bacon Ace ain't on there. Yet.)

Anyhow, go over there and click thru the Bad Tattoos. Are people just messed up?

One guy has a tattoo of Corky from Life Goes On.

Corky.

The retard. A real retarded guy.

And some other retarded guy thought it would be cool to have a Corky tattoo. A tattoo of a retarded guy with little lines under his eyes showing off that weird retarded eye thing that retarded guys have.

Well, guess what? It ain't cool to put a retarded guy on your arm.

Unless you're my wife.

(Notice the seamless way I tossed in the punchline before you could?)

What it feels like to stab a guy in the eyes.

It feels good. Real good. Brownies with walnuts good.

I was in a little village in Cambodia (or was it Laos?) when all of a sudden I just started stabbing myself in the left eye.

It felt good. Real good. Brownies with walnuts good.

So To Sum Up:

I'm using a new template on this blog and needed something to write. The new and improved I AINT NO OPRAH is no longer going to be Politically Correct. We're gonna call a spade a spade. And a Jew a Jew. And a Hillary a scum sucking whore bitch.

If needed.

My views on abortion.

I don't care if you have one.

I don't care if you don't have one.

I don't care if they make them illegal.

I don't care if they're legal.

I don't care if you have one 8 months 29 days into pregnancy.

I don't care if you have one every year.

I don't care if you kill your three year old, your twelve year old, or your eighteen year old.

I don't care if you let them live either.

I don't care if you call it pro-choice, pro-life, or pro-death.

I'm never gonna have an abortion. Unless I get pregnant.

If they outlaw it and one of my daughters needs or wants one I'll pay for her to have one in another country.

Or maybe not. I don't care.

If they make it against the law and someone can't afford to have one...I don't care.

If you can't afford an abortion and have the baby and then put said baby in a dumpster I don't care.

Do whatever you want, but just shut up about it already.

I've got TV to watch.

The Democrats ain't like a box of chocolates

Cuz you know exactly what you're gonna get. And stupid is what stupid does. Or something else equally Forrest Gumpy.

What am I talking about you ask?

First off, as dumb as George Bush is, he's still smarter than Gore or Kerry.

This year I was all ready to vote for a democrat for the first time in my life. I fell for the Obama charm.

And then the Democrats showed their ugly stupid heads and screwed up the whole primary thing by not allowing the Florida or Michigan primaries to count because those stupid democrats from those states decided to hold primaries early EVEN THOUGH IT WAS AGAINST THE RULES AND THEY KNEW THEY WOULDN'T COUNT!!!

And now these dolts want to hold primaries again in these states.

Well, guess what? IT COSTS TAYPAYER DOLLARS TO HOLD PRIMARIES!!!!

But Democrats LOVE spending taypayer dollars on stupid things. Because they are stupid.

Screw Obama. Screw Hillary (well...maybe not screw) And screw all you retarded Democrats.

Bush is stupid, democrats are stupider. Downright dum.

Don't put Terminator in a corner.

I'm gonna discuss the new Sarah Connor: TERMINATOR tv show.

Have you seen it? It's pretty good. It has a gorgeous Sarah Connor. An adorable John Connor. And a very sexy 'good' Terminator named Cameron.

Sounds good, correct?

Well...I'm about to tell you the very last scene of the last episode of season one.

Okay?

Here goes:

The 'good' indestructable Terminator (Cameron) is in a truck when all of a sudden someone (I forget who) blows up said truck. With Cameron inside.

FADE TO BLACK.

So what's the problem? Seems like a pretty good suspenseful cliffhanger, correct?

WRONG!!

Why wrong?

Cuz a flippin' indestructable Terminator don't get no hurt by no flippin' truck explosion.

The proper ending should have been gorgeous Sarah Connor in said truck. Maybe with some torn clothes and stuff. CUZ SHE IS HUMAN AND CAN GET HURT!!!

(Patrick Swayze should be the evil Terminator)

Rare Hellen Keller photo found

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/03/05/helen.keller.ap/index.html

But it turns out to be just a photo of Cathy Lane.

R. I. P. pretty darn soon, Patrick Swayze

::squeezes Baby into a corner::

http://www.stuff.co.nz/4428214a5620.html

R.I.P. Gary Gygax

Cousin Saul just informed me of the sad loss of this great man.

Gary left behind his wife, an orc, a couple of dwarfs, and his lucky ten sided dice.

Kansas City Faggots

Wow! Such a title!

Let me explain.

Back in 1974 Mel Brooks put out a spoof western movie named 'Blazing Saddles' and in said spoof someone (Taggart?) says "Kansas City Faggots"

Now fast forward to this morning on the Mass Pike.....I pass a huge truck from Missouri with the words : KANSAS CITY, MO emblazoned on the side.

KANSAS CITY, MO....not Kansas City, Missouri. (MO is slang for homosexual)

And with two facts like that, I can only surmise that Kansas City is THE hotbed for homosexual activity in America.

Sorry San Francisco!

The greatest quote of the week!

I read all sorts of news items. Tons, in fact.

The following was in a New York newspaper today. It's great with or without the full story.

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"I got pushed down and trampled, but instead of money, all I got were tomatoes," said a dejected 29-year-old homeless woman who gave her name as Christine.

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