So every Buddy Nite me and The Hoag toast someone famous who died that week.

Bin Laden died this week.

Do we toast Bin Laden?

That would be a bit odd. Though he is dead. Toasting him might be amusing.

But probably not.

Lucky for us Alice Ward and Yvette Vickers were also shot and killed by Navy Seals this week.

The Situation Room

Just a cool picture as the raid on bin Laden went down.

You da Man!

I would just like to thank George Bush for working behind the scenes (with no pay!) and finally geting Osama bin Laden.

Nicely done!

Poof.

Don't you hate when someone complains about there being ten hot dogs in a package and six hot dog buns in that package?

It's been said to death.

Here is the real hot dog problem.

Last night I cooked three hot dogs.

When I went to put them in the buns I noticed that the hot dogs were too long and hung out of the ends of the buns.

Now think what you might, but I don't eat no hot dog that's hanging out of the bun.

So what did I do?

Well, I will tell you.

I made each hot dog fit the bun. And then with the pieces that didn't fit I put into another bun.

So now my three hot dogs were four hot dogs.

And that my friends is The Ballad of Three Hot Dogs becoming The Ballad of Four Hot Dogs.

And ballads about hot dogs are the best kind of ballads.

Free Comic Book Day

KID: "Is today Free Comic Book Day?"

ME: "Nope...it will be the first Saturday in May."

KID: "Tomorrow?"

ME: "Nope. Tomorrow is Sunday."

KID: "That's the first day in May."

ME: "Free Comic Book Day is on the first Saturday in May."

KID: "When is that?"

ME: "Saturday."

KID: "Today?"

ME: Nope, today is April 30th. The first Saturday in May."

KID: "Oh, on the 7th!"

ME: "Yup."

Attica!

Some kids don't get to celebrate Easter. My thoughts are with them today.

(This issue in on sale today for only $5.95)

Compatibility should sometimes be spelled Combatibility

ME: "Maybe you shouldn't you put the water in there until tomorrow."

WIFEY: "I can't believe we've been together as long as we have."

When Idiots Talk

So I bought an iPhone yesterday. (Ain't I cool?)

And on said iPhone it has that feature they call Face Time.

It's when you call someone else that has an iPhone and you can video chat if you want. (They see you and you see them...very Jetsons like)

So I call up Hoag and he suggests we Face Time to test it out.

So I ring him back up. The video cameras start to do their magic.

But I don't see Hoag.

I see a sock puppet.

I'm talking to a sock puppet. Sock Puppet sounds like Hoag.

Hoag don't see me. Hoag sees Jim 'Ernest' Varney. Jim Varney sounds like me. (Why I have a Jim Varney mask is a subject for another time) (Why does Hoag have a Sock Puppet?)

Sock Puppet yapping to Jim Varney is riveting conversation.

Break time!

Bloggity blog blog.

So someone scolded me recently because I haven't blogged in a few days.

So now I'm blogging.

Normally I blog when I have something to say or to share something amusing.

Today I had nothing, yet I'm blogging anyhow.

So I did a Google Image search on the word BLOG to inspire me. This was the first picture that came up.

Notice the white guy is in the front center?

And the Chinese guy on the left.

The climate change guy and the gay guy on the right (they both might be gay)

Obama next to them.

And then further on down the line some Indians, a few Europeans, and the usual mixed races.

The point of today's blog?

Chinese guys usually stand next to the white guys with everyone else behind them.

And the gay guys usually stand next to the climate change guys.

Wifey is the Word

So last night I pick up The Hoag on the way to Buddy Nite.

We are juust driving along when I spot Wifey driving in front of us.

Hmmmmm....what should we do?

I flash my lights. I wave. I call her.

ME: "Hey...I'm behind you!"

WIFEY: "Oh, I thought you were an old lady."

---

So we continue on our way with Wifey in front of us.

Her sunroof opens.

Out shoots her arm and hand giving Hoag 'The Finger'

I'm not really sure why she gave Hoag the finger. (Hoag thinks she might have been giving it to me)

The King of Hamburger

So last night I decided to cook a hamburger.

Big deal, right?

It was.

I've never really cooked a hamburger before (in the 1970s I did in one of those hamburger cooker thingies)

Some spices...some oil in the pan to prevent sticking.. A little of this, a little of that.

WRONG!

I put two burgers (80% lean) in a pan and cooked them to perfection without adding anything.

(A little Jack Daniels BBQ sauce to dip it in)

And then I tasted it. It was fantastic! I did the Snoopy dance. (not really)

I looked over at Wifey with a smug look on my face.

I just cooked a hamburger and it was great!

WIFEY: "Let me try a piece!"

ME: "Okay."

:::CHOMPCHOMPCHOMP:::

ME: "So how was it?"

WIFEY: "Tasted like a hamburger."

Paltrow Fever!

So my lady Gwyneth goes on GLEE and sings a couple of songs. Amusing. Clever.

But not really.

Then this very average singer decides to sing on the Grammy Awards.

Edgy.

Or is it lame?

It's lame.

But she doesn't know it. Her famous husband (?) must fluff her full of BS.

She thinks she's 'all that'.

But she ain't all that.

She is an actress pretending she is a singer.

Much like Jamie Foxxxxxx. (though he is an actor, not an actress)

You are an actor. You can sing a tiny bit with tons studio over-dubbing and a bunch of what have you. (Ever notice when Jamie sings he gets all street and baggy pants and rappier than thou, yet when he is in actor mode he looks well dressed and can talk normal?)

SHUT UP, JAMIE! SHUT UP, GWYENTH!!

You two are actors. Act, don't sing.

It's embarrassing.

The real tough part is that you both have just enough singing ability where the retards will insist that you are good.

YOU AIN'T!!

Go away! Shoo! Be gone!

(I just sang this whole post)

I wish he divulged more.

"There've been discussions, but I've been asked not to divulge anything,” Sheen divulged.

(From his WBZ interview)

Just came across this in a news article about BP oil cleanup. I thought it needed sharing.

'Lafourche (luh-FOOSH') Parish President Charlotte Randolph'

------

Overheard in front of my shop

GUY: "Hey...want some bread?"

OTHER GUY: "No thank you."

GUY: "It's rye!"

OTHER GUY: "Where did you get it?"

GUY: "From my church. It's fresh."

Mulatto Sci-Fi

THE DAD: "LOOK! It's the Millienium Falcon from Space 1999!"

THE KID: "COOL!"

The lamest in the DRAMATIC series. (or is it the best?)

I don't like the Yankees either.

Put sound on to hear dramatic music.

It ain't Hitler. Put your sound on.

It's an eagle. Put your sound on.

Sound check.

Sound on? Excellent.

Volume on? Good.

I would put sound on.

Sound on?

Put the sound on, Loser!

Magic Sponge!

ME: "What should I clean these doors with?"

WIFEY: "Use one of the magic sponges."

ME: "We have magic sponges?"

WIFEY: "The white sponges under the sink."

ME: "Why do they call them magic?"

WIFEY: "Because they clean real well."

ME: "So they're not actually magic?"

WIFEY: "You're annoying."

Dull March/April Snippets

WIFEY: "What IS radiation?"

ME: "I don't know."

-----

ME: "Are you a good girl? Are you a good girl? Are you a good girl?"

MY DOG: :::blank stare:::

----

ME: "We cracked her windshield with those snowballs."

HOAG: "Liar."

-------

WIFEY: "You have garlic all over your hands! Get away!"

ME: "I just washed my hands."

WIFEY: "It must be from the oven. It stinks"

ME: "It makes me sleep well."

-----

GUY IN FRONT OF POST OFFICE: "The post office is closed! Something must be going on."

ME: "I think Pam is just using the bathroom. I'm gonna wait in my car."

GUY IN FRONT OF POST OFFICE: "Good idea."

-----

GAL: "I think I will get Jared that Grendel lighter."

ME: "Why? Is it his birthday?"

GAL: "Nope...I just love him."

-------
ME: "You loved Titanic!"

JOE: "I didn't love Titanic."

ME: "You did!"

JOE: "Didn't."

ME: "Did."

JOE: "Didn't."

ME: "Did."

JOE: "Didn't."

ME: "Did."

JOE: "Didn't."

(He did)

--------

HOSTESS TO HOAGY: "I LOVE your shirt!!!"

ME: "What about mine?"

LYING HOSTESS: "Ummmm...yours is nice."

----

Hulk smashed.

HOMELESS GUY: "I have the first issue of the Hulk I want to sell."

ME: "Great...let me take a look."

HOMELESS GUY: :::hands me an issue of something that is clearly not the Hulk #1::: "Here..."

ME: "Ummmm...this ain't a Hulk comic."

HOMELESS GUY: "Yes it is. It goes for $1000.00."

ME: "This ain't a Hulk comic. And it's tattered and torn. Even if it was it wouldn't be worth $1000.00."

HOMELESS GUY: "It's the first issue of Hulk. It's a collector's item classic."

ME: "Thank you for bringing it in. Cool comic."

HOMELESS GUY: "Hulk first issue. Thousand dollars."

ME: "Have a great day!"

HOMELESS GUY: "You too!"

A dream about Those Who Do Not Close Doors.

I'll keep it under 45 seconds:

The dream starts with me and Wifey putting our bed up for sale on Craigslist.

A day or two later a couple of Those Who Do Not Close Doors show up at our house to look at said bed.

They get on it. The change positions. They ohhhh...they ahhhh...they do whatever people do when buying a used mattress.

Then the male of Those Who Do Not Close Doors asks in his annoying voice:

"Does this bed have a toggle switch?"

I answer:

"Beds don't have toggle switches."


He insists it does in that agitated annoying voice of Those Who Do Not Close Doors:

"This model should have a toggle switch in the back!"

And then he scoots around to the back of the bed and finds a toggle switch on my bed!!

I respond the only way I know how:

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU FUCKING FUCKBALL!!"

And then I turn around and see a gray-haired Mick Jagger just laughing.

It's time for a Trip to the Grocery Store with Me and Wifey

Next week I'm bringing a tri-pod.

Our new feature: "Let's Look at 17 Seconds of Vomit!"

Dear TIME Magazine, Not so fast. Love, IANO

Please send donations to: www.GETMARIKAANEWSHIRT.com

Wild Horses

There is a story in the news today about the above horse.

(actual photo from news story)

The story claims this is the world's smallest horse.

Interesting story, I suppose.

The better story would have been about the guy who measures all of the world's horses.

It's Thursday, guess where I'm going?

It's time for 'Let's Make Fun of the Once Beautiful!'

Today's grand prize winner is......ZSA ZSA GABOR!!

LIz

Elton John is hard at work on Candle in the Wind 3. It will be his most poignant version ever!

Should be on iTunes by Saturday.

Breakfast in America

So yesterday I'm out having breakfast.

The usual fare. Eggs, sausage, toast, bacon, hash browns, coffee, grape jelly.

Breakfast.

And I look next to me.

And next to me is a couple in their early 60s.

Eating breakfast. At a breakfast place.

Normal.

Eggs, bacon, sausage, toast, coffee, orange juice, hash browns, and a bunch of etc.

All normal.

So far.

The couple was Japanese. Speaking Japanese. Eating breakfast just like I do.

I never thought about it before. The Japanese like the same breakfast food that I do!

Have you ever seen Japanese people in a breakfast place in America?

Trust me, you probably haven't.

The moral of the story?

Breakfast food is better than raw squid.

It's Out of Context Punchline Theatre!

"Honey, that ain't a puzzle, that's a box of Kellogg's Corn Flakes!

He ain't heavy, he's my brother.

So I'm talking to someone yesterday. Here is part of that conversation:

THEM: "Do you like your brother?"

ME: "No, but I love him."

----

And then for some reason I decided to text my brother.

Here is that text and the ones that followed:

ME: "Someone just asked me if I like you and I told them that I love you."

NO RESPONSE FOR ABOUT TWO HOURS.

Finally a text comes in.

BROTHER: "What???"

----

So I text him back.

ME: "Someone asked if I liked you and I told them 'No, I love him.' I've probably never told you that before. You're a good dude and I love you."

--------

NO RESPONSE

--------

So this morning on my way to work I call him up on the phone. Here is THAT conversation:

ME: "HA! You must have thought I was stoned or something yesterday."

BROTHER: "I had no idea what you were talking about."

ME: "Just what I texted...hey, gotta go, toolbooth up ahead."

BROTHER: "I love you, Bro."

I think I'm not turning Japanese

What's up with Japan?

Here they are this great culture.

A modern society.

A clean and beautiful country.

Third largest economy in the world.

And then an earthquake hits.

A tsunami.

Nuclear meltdown.

A volcano erupts.

Thousands dead. Devastaion everywhere.

So what do The Japanese do?

They don't loot!

What kinda crazy country is that??

Have they learned nothing from us???

You have an earthquake...you loot.

Tsunami? Loot.

Nuclear meltdown? D'uh...you loot!

Volcano? Loot.

When my country goes to hell like theirs you can pretty much guarantee I'll have a TV on my shoulder and I'll be wearing a wife-beater t-shirt.

This is America, not Japan.

We loot.

Brown Eyed Girl

Here is a conversation I recently had:

GAL: "I wear a lot of brown."

ME: "You shouldn't...you don't look good in brown."

GAL: "Yes I do."

ME: "Nope."

GAL: "It brings out the brown in my eyes."

ME: "Nobody is looking at your eyes."

It ain't a BOGO tards!

We've discussed BOGO before.

It stands for BUY ONE GET ONE.

It does NOT stand for BUY ONE GET ONE FOR HALF PRICE.

That would be the BOGOFHP.

But Payless Shoes think they are clever.

Well, guess what?

Payless Shoes ain't clever. They are losers with crappy shoes.

Back to the Future

Yesterday I had a ton of things to do and part of that ton took place at THE MALL.

Went in a few places. Ate. And stuff.

Then I set the Way Back machine to 1978 and ended up in JC PENNY.

It was good seeing 1978 again. Odd, but good.

Strange that I didn't find anything to buy in there.

And then I set the machine back to 1974!

BAM! I was in Sears (I've made fun of them before. I will do so again. And again)

They had this snazzy display of dresses for girls.



It's a shame that Cindy Brady no longer shops at Sears.

CHORUS:

Avocado! Avocado! Harvel Gold! Harvest Gold! Flared slacks! Flared slacks!

Avocado! Avocado! Haggar for Men! Haggar for Men!

Notions! Avocado!

Bed, Bath, and Beyond!

So yesterday I go to Bed, Bath, and Beyond to buy some towels.

Seems like the right place to go.

I find a few towels (I actually found stacks and stacks and stacks of towels but only picked out four that I wanted), bring them up to the front counter to pay, and then I see this huge display.



It seems out of place. I can see one or two people with damaged hands...but an endcap worth of stuff for damaged hands?

Why are people with damaged hands even out shopping? Shouldn't they be at the hospital?

Are people damaging their hands in The Bed?

The Bath?

Or The Beyond?

(I once damaged my hand in The Beyond but that's a whole 'nother story...)

Jingle Bell (doesn't) Rock

So a couple of weeks ago I bought a new pair of boots.

I like them.

They have a zipper on the side.

When I walk the zipper jingles.

It sounds like I have spurs on.

I wish I had spurs on.

(I used the word 'I' five times...whoops, six times in this post. Or was it seven?)

Actual Tweet from Charlie Sheen on the earthquake/tsunami thing.

"Curveball; Warlock edict; pain & devastation in Japan demands us all to dig deep & LOVE THEM VIOLENTLY Dogspeed my cadres of the Far East! C"

My thoughts are with Japan. (It's my blog and I will recycle jokes if I want to)

Tommy. Who?

So I get this thing in the mail.

----

'Have you noticed that...

1)You can hear, but can't always understand words!

2)You have difficulty hearing conversation in noisy situations!

3) You frequently ask people to repeat themselves!

----

And then a whole bunch of blah blah blah trying to sell me on their hearing university or whatever.

No big deal. It's junk mail.

But it was addressed to my Mom who died a bunch of years ago.

1) She can't hear at all.

2) She is never in noisy situations.

3) She never asks people anything anymore.

SO TO SUM UP:

BELTONE bought a really lousy mailing list.

Huh? Mariah is having a baby shower.

Hair

So I'm (Wifey is) having the interior of our (her) house painted.

The painters have removed the mirror from our (her) bathroom.

So this morning I need to shave. No mirror.

Can't shave without a mirror. I try using the reflection of my iPod.

Doesn't work too well.

I then remember Wifey has a hand held mirror. I take said mirror out of the drawer and kinda prop it up behind sink.

I can see my creamfilled face! I can shave!

But then I notice I'm using one of those magnifying mirrors. GIANT FACE!

It's hideous to look at yourself in one of those things (unless you're purty boy like Hoagy)

And in that mirror I see this giant gray hair sticking out of my nose!!

It's bad enough having a nose hair sticking out of one's nose but it has to be gray??? Really?? And long? A long gray hair. In my nose? Really?

How the heck did I not notice this before?

Someone Left The Cake Out In The Rain.

So I get an email this morning with a link.

The link is from some news site in Canada.

The news story was about Charlie Sheen getting fired from Two and a Half Men.

Let's think this through.

Someone (from Canada) sent me (in The United States) a link about Charlie Sheen.

You know, because we don't get news about Charlie Sheen here in the United States.

Big round of applause for Canada.

Brown Sugar

So I'm talking to a friend the other day...TV, current events, Charlie Sheen, etc when the subject of anal sex comes up.

Here is that conversation:

ME: "Has a woman ever asked you to perform anal sex with her?"

HIM: "No, but a bunch have asked me to stop."

I tried to find exciting snippets from the last 24 hours. I didn't.

WIFEY: "What are you doing?"

ME: "Just charging my iPod."

----

ME: "Should we just go to the regular place?"

HOAG: "I guess."

----

Waiter: "Another drink?"

ME: "Sure."

---------

HOAG: "Careful of this road."

ME: "Frost heaves?"

-----

ME: "May I borrow a pen?"

POST OFFICE GAL: "Sure...it's right there."

-----

TOLL TAKER: "Do you mind dimes?"

ME: "That would be fine."

-----

ME: "Go outside?"

DOG: ::silence::

---------

CUSTOMER: "Do you sell on ebay?"

ME: "Yup."

-----

DPW GUY: "At least it ain't windy."

ME: "Yup."

-----

HOAG: "I like Charles Barkley."

ME: "Yup."

------

ME: "Try one of these fries."

HOAG: "Nope."

----------

MIKEY-D: "There is a table open."

ME: "Great."

------

ME: "Charlie Sheen..."

WAITRESS: "Crazy."

------

HOAG: "I wonder why those plants are knocked over?"

ME: "Probably the wind."

-------

Charlie is My Darling.

Can I really add anything to the Charlie Sheen parade?

Probably not.

Starfucker

So a few minutes ago these two older women come in wanting me to donate to their church raffle.

It's a common thing. Boy scouts. The Fire Dept. Police.

The local colleges. High schools.

Everybody is raising money for something.

I usually donate a gift certificate. Or something.

So the two ladies start giving me their sales pitch.

I'm not really paying attention to what's on the ipod.

It happened to be Starfucker by The Rolling Stones.

Two old ladies from church + The Rolling Stones singing Starfucker=I wish I was dead.

I think we all noticed at the same time. I shook my head. The gave fake smiles.

I didn't give them a gift certificate.

----SAMPLE LYRICS------

Yeah! You're a star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star
Yeah, a star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star
A star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star fucker star

Yeah, I heard about you Polaroid's
Now that's what I call obscene
Your tricks with fruit was kind a cute
I bet you keep your pussy clean
Honey, I miss your two tone kisses
Legs wrapped around me tight
If I ever get back to New York, girl
Gonna make you scream all night

Yeah! You're a star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star
Yeah, a star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star
A star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star fucker star

-------------

Thanks Mick!

The Man With The Faraway Eyes

So this guy just walks into my shop. (Freaky eyeballs)

He says Hi.

I say Hi.

He then proceeds to reach into the inside pocket of his coat.

He pulls out a book.

Here is the conversation that follows:

FREAKY EYEBALLS: "I just want to show you that I had this book before I walked in...didn't want you to think I stole it from you."

ME: "Who did you steal it from?"

I can't remember if I have pants on.

So I get an email from someone that was reading some of the older posts on here.

I will quote (with selective editing and paraphrasing to make me look good)

EMAIL: "Nice post about the holocaust...sitting here laughing."

Now when I get an email like that it kinda makes my day.

When someone laughs at The Holocaust you know we have another mental patient here.

But then I thought what Holocaust post?

I had no idea what they were talking about.

So I did a search.

It seems I've done six posts about "The Holocaust" over the years.

I remembered none of them.

Never forget.

Sorry Spud.

So last night I go to a party and see one of my old friends from the 1970s.

We will call him Spud.

Now the things you need to know about Spud for this story is that back in the so called day Spud was thin. And his Dad was fat.

You got that? Spud thin, Dad fat.

So last night I see Spud and he has this big belly. And he looks a bit like his Dad anyhow.

Big belly like Dad...looks like Dad.

Here is the reason for my apology.

::pointing to Spud's belly::

ME: "You know, you could probably fit a tattoo of your Dad's belly on your belly."

Morning Breath

WIFEY: "Get away from me...morning breath."

ME: "I don't have morning breath."

WIFEY: "It's the morning and you have breath."

Great Moments in Oscar History

Chubby Chasers

ME: "So the Hoag and I have noticed that Casey has gained a ton of weight."

GAL: "I was just looking at her....she's gained no weight whatsoever."

ME: "Maybe it was the lighting."

GAL: "You gays are so picky."

I Ain't No Harpo Oprah On Tnia I

Yellow Parks and Yellow Recreation.

There is a show we watch at home called Parks and Recreation.

My daughter was over the other night as we were about to watch it.

Here is the conversation:

ME: "Do you like Parks and Recreation?"

DAUGHTER: "Yes, but it's too yellow."

ME: "Too yellow??"

DAUGHTER: "Yeah...watch."

ME: "Too yellow? What does that even mean?"

DAUGHTER: "The colors they use. It's all yellow all the time."

---

So we watched.

She was right. It's a very yellow show.

They even did a bit about post-it notes.

I never knew that certain shows had certain color schemes.

But now I do.

And so do you.

But it still doesn't explain why my daughter doesn't like yellow shows.

Honey Badger doesn't give a shit.

Healthy Choices

WAITRESS: "Would you like to see our healthy choices menu?"

ME: "Do I look like I'd like to see your healthy choices menu?"

The Wedding

ME: "Are you at the wedding?"

HOAGY: "Wedding? Honey Badger really doesn't give a shit about the wedding."

Gracie is my dog.

ME: "You look hot."

WIFEY: "You think Gracie looks hot."

ME: "You're insane."

The Cold

JIM: "My cold is worse than yours."

ME: "How can you say that?"

JIM: "I was shaking."

ME: "I was shaking."

JIM: "You wouldn't have been able to go to work if yours was as bad as mine."

ME: "Of course I would have. I don't take days off because I have a cold."

JIM: "If it was as bad as mine you would have taken a day off."

ME: "I'm not a pussy like you."

JIM: "Mine was clearly worse."

ME: "Nope. You're just a pussy."

JIM: "I had a fever. Sore throat. The shakes. My whole body hurt."

ME: "You mean you had a cold?"

JIM: "Yes. Worse than yours."

ME: "This is the dumbest argument ever."

JIM: "I'm telling you...no way you could have worked if you were as sick as me."

ME: "But I did."

An open apology.

I would just like to say I'm sorry to all of Canada for yesterday's post.

I was upset.

Forgive me.

I am a racist. Sue me.

You smell.

You are rude.

Your children are wild.

Your women are ugly.

Your country is a hellhole.

You drive like shit.

You constantly honk your horn.

You don't close doors behind you.

You treat women horribly.

Your religion is fucked up.

Paisley is no longer a good fashion choice.

Your music blows.

Grandma always seems to be in tow.

You eat stupid kinds of food.

Your whole culture is a train wreck.

Your voice is annoying.

I Ain't No Oprah...I am a racist.

The Weekend Wisdom (?) of Wifey

ME: "You look adorable!"

WIFEY: "You're making fun of me. You're so mean."

------------

Hands around her waist. Looking in her eyes. Here is the conversation that follows.

ME: "I'm in a kissing mood."

WIFEY: "Kiss Sally."

-------

ME: "Can you tell when I've had a few drinks?"

WIFEY: "Not really. You repeat yourself a little."

ME: "Can you tell when I've had a few drinks?"

------------

ME: "Green pasta? I ain't eating green pasta!"

WIFEY: "It's not green."

(I ate the green pasta)

---------

ME: "Did one of the girls take my socks?"

WIFEY: "They don't take your socks. They would be afraid to. You're stupid."

ME: "I think they take my socks."

---------

Don't forget to pay your ex-ice tax

(Don't you hate private jokes?)

I'd like you to meet the owner.

So last night was Buddy Nite.

We had the honor of being joined by Wifey and Sly Boots.

We're at the regular restaurant that we go every week.

We've been going there most weeks for a few years now.

We've gotten to know the staff quite well.

Wifey also goes there fairly often but hasn't met the owners.

And I spot one of the owners down back eating at a table. With her back to me.

Did I mention she's kinda hot? Blonde hair?

So me being the suave dude that I am decide to saunter over to her, say hi, and then tell her to come over and meet Wifey.

I go walking down back like I own the place...get right up behind her, stick my big old horse face right into hers while she's eating and say HEY!

Do I need to mention it wasn't her?

Do I need to mention that my face is still red?

Do I need to mention that The Hoag, Wifey, and Sly Boots all are amused?

Snowstorm packs a wallop!

A wallop.

That's what I've been reading.

Not many things pack wallops.

Snowstorms do.

It's time for.... SNIPPETS 2011

WIFEY: "Who was in here? There is sand all over the floor!"

ME: "I was. I wouldn't say sand is ALL over the floor."

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ME: "Should we just leave without paying?"

HOAG: "Sure."

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The other day I helped out a neighbor by snowblowing his driveway while he was gone.

There was about 12" of snow.

Last night he paid me back by doing mine while I was at work.

Mine had about 5" or 6" of snow.

Sometimes a driveway is just a cigar.

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BANK TELLER: "It will be about ten minutes before he can see you."

JERK: "I don't want to hear ten minutes if it's really going to be twenty."

BANK TELLER: "Well, he's with someone right now...I'm guessing it will be about ten minutes but I have no way of knowing exactly how long."

JERK: "No more than ten minutes though?"

repeat repeat repeat

ME: "Hey, Asshole...she said around ten minutes."

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POSTAL CLERK: "Would you lik..."

ME: "I don't need insurance, delivery confirmation, or stamps. There is nothing liquid, fragile, or hazardous in this box. Just send this priority as marked."

POSTAL CLERK: "Would you like some gift bags or stamp albums?"

ME: "How much are the gift bags?"

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LADY: "Do you know where Newton Street is?"

ME: "Nope...I'm not from around here."

LADY: "May I come behind the counter and look?"

ME: "Newton Street ain't behind my counter."

LADY: "I meant may I look on your computer?"

ME: "Sure."

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So I'm at a concert last week. I wanted to leave the venue for ten minutes and come back. Here is the conversation.

ME: "Is it okay if I step out and come back in ten minutes."

SECURITY GUY: "We don't normally allow that but I'll remember you and let you back in."

ME: "How will you remember me in a crowd of thousands of concert goers?"

SECURITY GUY: "You're the guy wearing jeans."

ME: "Nice."

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