Somehow I'm on Victoria's Secret mailing list and somehow they know my birthday is coming up this month.
I've had happy birthdays and crappy birthdays. Surprise birthdays and thirtieth birthdays....but I've never had a SEXY BIRTHDAY. Now somehow Vicky thinks giving me $10.00 off on a push-up bra is gonna make MY birthday sexy. Should I wear said push-up bra? Will that really be sexy? And only on my birthday? Would me wearing a push-up bra (and angel wings) say...three days after my birthday not be so sexy? What really makes a birthday sexy? It can't possibly be me in a push-up bra. Or can it?
Can you imagine the sexiness of my birthday if that was a $20.00 off gift card? If I was in charge of Victoria's Secret (and who's to say I'm not?) I'd make those gift cards read: HAVE A SEXY DAY. Why limit sexy days just to my birthday? And do other folks only get these discount cards on MY birthday? Is it my birthdate that is really THE sexy date on the calendar?
Well,...it is buddy night tonight...maybe I'll slip the card in the Hoags wallet so he too can be sexy on my birthday.
I hope you're all sexy on my birthday!...but not as sexy as me. Cuz it is my birthday afterall. And my birthday is gonna be a Sexy Birthday.
Not today. Later in the month. Right around SexyDay.
Sexy Birthday to me! Sexy Birthday to me! Sexy Birthday dear I AINT NO OPRAH...Sexy Birthday to me!
you and the metz linked forever by date of birth. march on!
ReplyDeleteDoes using a urinal while wearing a push-up bra on your birthday make you sexy?
ReplyDeleteI once got a card from the special olympics wishing me a "retarded birthday".
ReplyDeletei must have donted money to them at one point.
i must be retarded! i didn't even spell "donated" right.
ReplyDeletei'm beating the spelling police to the punch.
I'd pay good money to see your Birthday Blog featuring a picture of you in a push-up bra.
ReplyDeleteJust for the record.
Dear Mrs Bacon Ace,
ReplyDeleteYou're going to hell in a handbasket.
Dear Metz,
It aint my birthday TODAY...the end of the month is when it gets sexy.
Anunomess--
ReplyDeleteI saw that headline on AOL just now, right next to the headline "Bear Drunk on Fermented Apples." Somehow, I think the two incidens are connected.
Cake--
Please don't encourage him.
Gawd, I never would have guessed THAT was what Victoria's Secret is...
ReplyDelete-- Lamont Cranston
P.S. Before you put on the fishnets, shave your legs. Do not ask me how I know this. Just trust me on it.
incidents, not "incidens"
ReplyDeleteI think I'm going to have a retarded birthday soon too.
Dear LOIS,
ReplyDeleteYou Pavlov'Dogged me and then brought no apple pie.
WOOF!
Lois:
ReplyDeleteAwwww, but it's so easy!
Dear NoOprah,
ReplyDeleteI actually almost brought you some homemade cupcakes (the husband's sexy birthday was Tuesday), but was worried you'd think I was getting sweet on you.
Of course, now that you're going all Eddie Izzard on me with this push-up bra thing...HUBBA HUBBA!
That Hoagy is one lucky man to have a hetero lifemate like you.
Wax on. Wax off.
ReplyDelete>>>"Somehow I'm on Victoria's Secret mailing list..."<<<
ReplyDelete1) I have a very disquieting mental image of you wearing a push-up bra (and angel wings). You're also sporting a porkpie hat and smoking a cigar. Please make this image go away!
2) Oooooh: Why am I on the mailing list? The answer lies in two little words: Teal Speedos.
3) Oops! Suddenly, I'm somehow breathing air, too! (Please note deft usage of sarcasm as a literary cattle-prod...don't try this at home, youngsters!)
4) Helllloooo, Victor/Victoria!
5) You're not getting older, Mr. Sexy Day, you're getting nuttier--like a fine, vintage chunky Peter Pan peanut butter.
6) Which peanut butter is the best peanut butter and why?
I think that Spirit should have a "retarded birthday."
ReplyDeleteSparkle needs a prize for this line:
ReplyDelete"5) You're not getting older, Mr. Sexy Day, you're getting nuttier--like a fine, vintage chunky Peter Pan peanut butter."
::applauds::
Thanks, Yer Royal Cakeiness!
ReplyDeleteAt least you didn't get anything from Lane Bryant saying "Have An Extra-Large Birthday."
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm with cake on this one...I want a picture. Nooprah in a push up Victoria's Secret Wonder Bra.
A little lacy. And purple. Your teal thongs won't match, by the way.
NoOprah, I will definitely state that I do NOT want a picture of you in a bra and/or thong. I do NOT want a nudey, either.
ReplyDeleteThe only picture I want of you is fully clothed with a bacon double cheeseburger in your hand.
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