So yesterday we discussed what is going on down in Haiti with people so poor that they've resorted to eating cookies made out of mud just to satify their hunger pangs.
Last nightI was gonna stop on my way home and have steaks but really started feeling kinda guilty about the whole thing so I stopped and had turkey and stuffing and mashed potatoes and corn (lots of salt) and one of those biscuit things instead of a steak. And folks think I can be an unfeeling Republican. HA! In your face!
But the whole situation IS sad. Kids are starving. They're poor. They're hungry.
But do they also have to be stupid?
If I'm living in Haiti and am starving and am about to eat mud and dirt well believe you me I'm gonna be making me Mud Steaks and Mud Pancakes. Maybe some Mud Tacos....Mud McDonald's Hash Browns (those would be AWESOME!)....maybe a Mud lasagana. Mudghetti and Mudballs. I'm gonna be dining like a King in the best little mud Restaurant on the island (Haiti is an island, correct?)
Not that there is anything wrong with mud cookies....but kids being kids always want to fill up on junk food before dinner.
As a starving kids parent I'd make sure that my little VoodooValerie was getting all of the basic food groups first:
1. dry dirt.
2. gravel fortified soil
3. pebbles n' clay
4. and of course natural mud.
5. And whatever other mud groups there are. (I can't find the dirt pyramid)
Mud cookies. Are these kids really that dumb? Make a freakin' Mud Reese's Cup (it's the most popular of the mud candies)
So To Sum Up:
Mud Chops and Applesauce.
Jolly jumping grandmothers, you're such an idiot.
ReplyDeleteKids today aren't going to eat mud steaks and mud lasagne just because it's put in front of them. And they definitely aren't going to eat "all-natural mud."
Even starving kids. Presenting a kid with something labeled "all-natural" is the kiss of death. And if there's one thing little SantariaSusie doesn't need, it's any more kiss of death than she's already got.
They need some sort of branded inducement. You know, like a funny animal or a --
That's it! A happy postman! A big friendly mud happy postman, who gives toys out of his mailbag!
That'll keep the wee ones chowing.
Seriously, try to put some marketing savvy into these entries. Life can be so simple, if we just allow it.
-- Lamont "Mud-milk Of Human Kindness" Cranston
I'd be doing experiments in fermenting mud...I mean, what's a good mudsagna without a glass of red on the side?!
ReplyDeleteMudfastructure!
ReplyDelete-- Lamont "Mudfastructure" Cranston
P.S. Mud-based wines are sorta purpley-green. Do not ask how I know this.
You people have no experience getting kids to eat, do you?
ReplyDeleteDirt Nuggets and Dirt Fries, Cocoa Dirt Puffs, Dirtaroni Pizza, Dirtbutter and Dirt Jelly Sandwiches...these are the things kids will eat. Not that other crap.
Lois:
ReplyDeleteWhat, you mean they'll eat all that without even a postman mascot? Hogwash!
Why, I remember when I was five years old, and Dirty Dan the Magic Postman would come around when my parents were away and...
You know, come to think of it, I don't have any memories from when I was five through when I was 11. How odd.
-- Lamont "Speedy Delivery" Cranston
Ten bucks says they could sell their mud recipes to all of the celebrities who consider themselves "important", "green", "caring about world issues and the environment".
ReplyDeleteI can just see on the shelves now: "Tim Robbin's Organic Mud and Soy Cookies."
Lamont:
ReplyDeleteThe postman mascot is meaningless. What *does* make a difference is the toy prize they get with their meal, like a Power Dirtranger action figure, or a Transdiratronzord spinning spoon (to eat dirt pudding, of course!)
"...Power Dirtranger action figure, or a Transdiratronzord spinning spoon..."
ReplyDeleteKids these days. When I was little, we were lucky to get two rocks to bang together for fun! And we had to eat anything that fell off 'em for our snacks.
Welcome Joe Doherty!
ReplyDeleteHe da Man!
It's more than a pleasure to be here, Steve. Damn, you be funny, my Canadian.
ReplyDeleteI ain't be no Canadian!
ReplyDeleteLamont, how do you come up with gem after gem? You really should have your own blog.
ReplyDeleteWe've been telling him that for ages, Redbeard...but he's not so good at obeying.
ReplyDeleteI'll have some of what you're smoking today
ReplyDeleteTex:
ReplyDeleteSorry, the new guy smoked it all. Damn him.
Canadian, puhlease!
ReplyDeletehey JOE pass me the bong
ReplyDeleteTex:
ReplyDeleteSorry, the new Canadian guy smoked it all. Damn him.
(Joe's gone to get munchies)
ReplyDeletewell at least you coulda put some in the cookies
ReplyDeleteJoe Dirt-he? Oh woops, Doherty. Sorry...my suthahn accent getting the better of me. I say things before I read them. Huh? (sorry...pile of retards)
ReplyDeleteBut if the mud thing goes much further, kids might start making fashion statements with it...like, say, sportin Mudd'n chops or perhaps even Mud-scara. Let's hope it doesn't come to that
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHow offensive is this post? Mud burgers? Mud pizza? Starving children?
ReplyDeleteThink about it a bit more please.
You can't give mud straight away to people who aren't used to mud. You have to introduce clay. Clay burgers and clay pizza. I despair, I really do.
As for Lamont: I don't think it was the postman you had to worry about, are you sure it wasn't the milkman? That wasn't 'milk' he was delivering. Do you have an aversion to dairy products at all? Just a theory.
Jayne:
ReplyDeleteSometimes a milk mustache is just a milk mustache.
-- Lamont "La Leche" Cranston