Things I've Learned.

Esquire Magazine does a feature every month where a celebrity will tell you what they've 'learned'.

Now I'm going to.

You can also.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED (actual things)

Don't look at your computer at night.

Don't cut the grass when it's wet.

Tip big.

If there are two or more lines go to the one on the left.

Lefty loosey, righty tighty.

Shaving cream should be put in palm in golf ball sized amount, any less you'll need more, any more and you're wasting it (unless you have a gigantic face like John Kerry)

Don't call your Wifey 'Wifey' in person.

Don't mention it if you did the dishes or vacuumed the carpet.

Jeter will get that hit you don't want him to get.

Only get your oil changed at Jiffy Lube...NOTHING ELSE. EVER.

Don't use the word trousers or slacks when talking about pants.

The guys at a casino can play poker better than me. A lot better.

The number 17 will come up eventually.

There is no I in asshole.

Haven't worn it in two years? Throw it away.

The remote control is your friend if watching TV...your enemy when you're watching something you DVRed (ya gotta keep fast forwarding and stuff...pain in the neck...let Wifey do it)

Trapper John MD is one crappy show.

Get to the point.

Don't over do the compliments.

George Bush was right about a lot of things. You'll see.

Always doublecheck trhat you unplugged the iron or shut off the gas grill.

Order the special.

Don't drink a lot of Coke or Pepsi. Especially at night.

Johnny Carson was better than all the other ones.

Grady should have taken Pedro out.

You don't need to change your oil every 3000 miles. It's a lie. Look in your owners manual for the real number.

Most store brands are just as good as the name brand.

If my store was across the street from Cousin Saul's store and we had the same square footage I would crush him like a flea.

The marijuana today is way better than the stuff in the 1970s.

Captain Kirk is way better than Captain Picard.

There is no I in Douchebag.

I am very lucky.

Putting a stamp upside down on an envelope is the lamest protest of government ever.

Obama isn't as good as you people think he is. He does have a nice smile.

The Seinfeld show is still funny.

Cheers isn't.

I would not go to jail for you.

Or you.

Women look best in blue jeans.

Kevin Kline is always great when he has a mustache...not so good when he doesn't.

The Red Delicious apple is aptly named.

I should have taken Spanish in high school.

You can always get tickets if you really want them.

You shouldn't drink more than one cup of coffee a day.

Paint is better than wallpaper.

Nobody ever went bankrupt by selling out.

Star Trek is better than Star Wars.

I've never caught a fish while wearing my lucky fishing shirt.