It's time for.... SNIPPETS 2011

WIFEY: "Who was in here? There is sand all over the floor!"

ME: "I was. I wouldn't say sand is ALL over the floor."

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ME: "Should we just leave without paying?"

HOAG: "Sure."

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The other day I helped out a neighbor by snowblowing his driveway while he was gone.

There was about 12" of snow.

Last night he paid me back by doing mine while I was at work.

Mine had about 5" or 6" of snow.

Sometimes a driveway is just a cigar.

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BANK TELLER: "It will be about ten minutes before he can see you."

JERK: "I don't want to hear ten minutes if it's really going to be twenty."

BANK TELLER: "Well, he's with someone right now...I'm guessing it will be about ten minutes but I have no way of knowing exactly how long."

JERK: "No more than ten minutes though?"

repeat repeat repeat

ME: "Hey, Asshole...she said around ten minutes."

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POSTAL CLERK: "Would you lik..."

ME: "I don't need insurance, delivery confirmation, or stamps. There is nothing liquid, fragile, or hazardous in this box. Just send this priority as marked."

POSTAL CLERK: "Would you like some gift bags or stamp albums?"

ME: "How much are the gift bags?"

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LADY: "Do you know where Newton Street is?"

ME: "Nope...I'm not from around here."

LADY: "May I come behind the counter and look?"

ME: "Newton Street ain't behind my counter."

LADY: "I meant may I look on your computer?"

ME: "Sure."

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So I'm at a concert last week. I wanted to leave the venue for ten minutes and come back. Here is the conversation.

ME: "Is it okay if I step out and come back in ten minutes."

SECURITY GUY: "We don't normally allow that but I'll remember you and let you back in."

ME: "How will you remember me in a crowd of thousands of concert goers?"

SECURITY GUY: "You're the guy wearing jeans."

ME: "Nice."

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