ME: "Why don't you join me and Wifey on Saturday night?"
KAREN: "Saturday night is date night."
WIFEY: "Come along...we're just roommates."
----------
ME IN MAY: "If the Red Sox don't win the World Series I will cut off my pinky toe."
-----------
ME NOW: "Fuck."
-----------
ON THE CHARLIE SHEEN ROAST: They bleep out the words 'down syndrome' but left in 'retard'.
---------
ME: "If you could kill one person who would it be?"
CUSTOMER: "About five or six people."
---------
BARTENDER: "That's nice that you remember my name."
ME: "Michelle?"
BARTENDER: "No, it's Brittany, but you were close."
--------
HOAGY: "In forty years how did we never come up with the name HOMOGY before?"
-------
PERSON WALKING INTO SHOP: "Do you sell Sony Walkmans?"
ME: "Does anybody?"
(I had heard a Walkman reference earlier in the week so I was ready with this snappy comeback)
------------
ME ON PHONE: "Did you get my urine?"
PERSON ON PHONE: "Yes. Thank you. We will send you a refund next week."
-----------
DOOFUS: "So what did you do with the carcass?"
ME: "It's not a carcass. It's my dog."
----------
ACTUAL PRODUCT:
HAND SANITIZER FOR PEOPLE THAT MIGHT HAVE TOUCHED THEIR GENITALS.
ME: "Do they make it in bigger bottles?"
-------------
Questions:
ReplyDelete1) Your urine was such low quality, they're sending you a refund?
2) You'll tip over all the time if you cut off just one pinky toe...better cut off both.
2a) We call it a "baby toe" here.
3) I've been saying "Homogy" and "[gay version of your name]" for years.
4) If I was Wifey, I think I'd look for a different, less [censored] and retarded roommate.
5) *sad face*
So to sum up my comment:
I did it all in the wrong order...you figure out which response goes where, I'm too tired.
What was her problem? Brittany... Michelle... they both have 8 letters. They both contain the letter i.
ReplyDeleteSo snippy!
Ohhh- Brittany and Michelle, thhe Rabinowitz twins? I think I know them. Peanut butter legs, yes?
ReplyDelete