I Ain't No Oprah

I needed caulk. Badly. I kept putting it off and putting it off but finally this week I decided to do what needed to be done. I n...

Yesterday was kinda windy. In walks a retarded guy. Blathering on and on like retarded guys do. I doubt retarded guys mind being called ...

I'm not sure when this happened but I was told about it Saturday night. It seems my Son-in-Law saw my wife's name written out some...

So a mother was in my shop today with her eight year old daughter. Here is the conversation I overheard. MOM: "Do you want a skull bu...

CUSTOMER: "What is this?" ME: "That's a baseball." CUSTOMER: "What's it for?" ME: "To play ...

I went to a casino the other night by myself. Had some dinner, couple of drinks... Then I played some roulette.  A guy sitting ne...

According to the reports she killed herself. By hanging herself. From a doorknob. It happens. So Mick postpones part of his New Zealan...

WIFEY: "Don't forget...next weekend is girls weekend." ME: "Am I going?" WIFEY: "It's girls weekend...w...

So I see this ad the other day. I like Filet-O-Fish. I like McDonalds French Fries (who doesn't!?) So I'm driving to work arou...

So my rear driver side tire on my car has a very slow leak. Every couple of weeks I have to stop at a gas station and put a little air in it...

WIFEY: "Sometimes you're not funny when you think you are."

So the other night Wifey and I are at a shoe store. I'm at the front counter paying for our purchase. Here is the conversation with th...

With the recent death of Phillip Seymour Hoffman I think it's about time I come clean about my own addiction to heroin. I got the monk...

So last night Hoag was away. He was at dinner before a concert. I was also at a concert but somewhere else. We texted back and forth. ...

1. His real first name is: Alastair. 2. You don't need to know anything else.

So this guy comes in the other day. Here is the conversation: GUY: "That chapstick stuff is a scam." ME: "How do you figu...