The Health Care Reform Thingy

So while The Nation shopped for Christmas our (your) politicians basically voted in some seriously flawed Health Care Reform.

It's going to cost hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars.

But the pure genius of the whole thing is that they plan on upping the tax on customers of Tanning Salons to 10%.

I'm not making that up.

It's Write Your Own Caption Weekend!

This is the one about a limo driver that doesn't really have a punchline.

So BuddyNite was winding down from a restaurant packed with holiday revelers (You'll never actually hear someone say 'Holiday Revelers'...it's just used in print)

Anyhow...so we're leaving and we spot this limo sitting outside. And it's a woman driver. She's blonde.

She smiles at us. We smile and wave back.

And then I get in my car and Hoag gets in the passenger seat.

I see the limo.

And I pull up beside it as close as I possibly can. On Hoag's side.

He's roughly eight inches away from said Blonde Limo Driver.

I put the car in park and just sit there for an uncomfortable amount of time.

Uncomfortable for The Hoag that is. And Blonde Limo Driver.

I just stare straight ahead and Hoag squirms for what seems like forever. He's eight inches away from Blonde Limo Driver's window.

Blonde Limo Driver has no idea what we're gonna do. It's borderline creepy. She can't open her door. She starts to open her window.

We start laughing and drive away.

Blonde Limo Driver thinks to herself: 'Assholes!'

And how do I know that she was thinking that?

Trust me...I know.

Silent Night

So I have a radio station on and all they play during the month of December is Christmas songs.

Did you hear me? THAT'S ALL THEY PLAY!!!

So Miss Mensa calls up the station.

Here is that conversation:

MISS MENSA: "Hi...could you play a song for me?"

DJ: "Sure! What would you like to hear?"

MISS MENSA: "Could you play Silent Night for me?"

DJ: "Sure...we'll get that right on."

--------

So now let's gather up the facts:

1)IT'S A RADIO STATION PLAYING NOTHING BUT CHRISTMAS SONG!!!!

2)THEY WERE GONNA PLAY SILENT NIGHT ANYHOW!!!

3) FREEBIRD!!!

Top Ten Things I Like About The Road Construction Across The Street From My Shop The Week Before Christmas!

1.

Ponce De Leon and X-mas shopping

(I looked for a photo of him but could only find drawings...sorry)

Ponce was and is my favorite explorer.

He looked cool.

He was looking for something cool.

Magellan?

Loser.

Went the long way around South America when he could have just discovered the Panama Canal instead. (I love that they named GPS systems after a guy that took the long way around)

Columbus? Dolt.

Thought the USA was India. (SHUT MY DOOR!!)

But Ponce was special.

And had the coolest of names...Ponce De Leon.

Say it. Ponce De Leon.

See? Cool.

And the cool helmet.

Fountain of Youth?

Way cool.

So what does this have to do with me shopping last night?

Well, I was getting a gift card and they asked if I wanted a Spanish one.

A Gift Card in Spanish.

Do I look Spanish?

Did I sound Spanish?

Do I look like Ponce De Leon? (If only)

And why are there so many people from Spain that live in the States?

SO TO SUM UP:

Ponce De Leon=cool

Spanish Gift Cards=Not So Cool.

Vomit on Blitzen

Every year someone comes up with something for a car that makes me mental.

Yellow ribbons.

Anything with a slash thru it.

Baby on Board signs.

Fake bullet holes.

The little shades so the baby doesn't get sun in his eyes. (Babies like sun in their eyes!!)

Wreaths on the front of car.

And on and on.

Stop it.

Especially this:



We know your car isn't really a reindeer.

Douche.

Happy Birthday!

I'm gonna paraphrase a bit from The Howard Stern Show.

So I'm listening to Howard Stern the other day and he has this porn gal on.

(Well, actually the porn gal has a webcam and is talking to them via the computer)

And different folks tell PornGal what to do and she does it and everyone laughs or gasps or what have you.

Some of it is funny...some of it is porn.

But it's on the radio.

I'm laughing.

Then someone asks PornGirl to put fingers up her butt and to do whatvever one does with fingers up their butt.

And she does.

And Howard and the gang start laughing.

Then PornGal asks Howard what he wants her to do.

And Howard replies...

"Wash your hands."

-----

And that is the genius of Howard Stern.

It's Haiku About What An Idiot Theo Epstein Is Day

You traded Manny

Didn't re-sign The Pedro

Dumping Mike Lowell

----

Please enter the I AINT NO OPRAH Bad Poetry Contest.

The sun beats on the lonely farmer.

Crops wilt. Dust blows.

Despair enters his head.

Corn rare.

Locust flee.

The man...hands to his face.

Tears. Fear.

The sun beats on the lonely farmer.

Wind blows.

Emptiness howls.

Beans, wheat, and barley.

No more. The sun beats on the lonely farmer.

Empty pockets. Empty dreams. Empty farm.

Starving cattle. Thinning herd.

The sun beats on the lonely rancher...

29 years ago today The Miami Dolphins beat the New England Patriots 16-13.

WIKIPEDIA: The Dolphins got revenge in a 16-13 overtime win at the Miami Orange Bowl. The Patriots clawed to a 13-6 lead in the fourth quarter, then the Dolphins forced overtime with a David Woodley throw to Nat Moore in the fourth, then Uwe von Schamann won it with a 23-yard field goal in the extra quarter. The game, though, wound up taking a back seat to the announcement by Howard Cosell that John Lennon had been shot and killed.

Bryant Gumbel Battling Cancer

That's what the headlines say.

'BRYANT GUMBEL BATTLING CANCER'

Battling?

Is he actually battling cancer or does he just have cancer?

Battling?

Is Cancer afraid of Bryant?

Is Cancer favored in their 'battle'?

Is it a 12 round fight...or maybe a 15 rounder?

Bryant Gumbel has cancer and maybe some doctors are giving him some treatment.

Battling cancer?

The only person that will battle cancer will be me.

And possibly Frazier and Ali.

And maybe Marvin Hagler.

The Perfect Brownie Pan

Because it's SO GODDAMN HARD TO CUT BROWNIES!!!

Lazy bitches!

Never forget.

Remember Pearl Harbor?

Yeah...I thought so.

I find this hard to believe.

WIFEY: "I have to study for this test all day."

ME: "I have the day off...I'm just gonna sit right here and talk to you. All. Day. Long."

WIFEY: "You don't have the day off. You're a jerk. No wonder people are always mad at you."

ME: "People are always mad at me?"

WIFEY: "Yes."

Cats in the Belfry

No Joy In Mudville Tonight.

I changed my mind already.

"Honk for 20% off on Holiday Cards!"

That's what the sign said in front of a store this morning.

So on a $2.00 card I can save 40 cents.

And I'm supposed to honk for that?

So guess what I did?

WRONG!!!

Instead of honking for 20% off on Holiday Cards I honked for Jesus.

And possibly pizza.

What does Steely Dan sing today?

(I'm glad I took five days off....I'm full of fresh material)

Gone Fishin'

Back on Monday the 30th.

Notes from inside the New England Patriots game.

So I went to the New England Patriots game yesterday.

Wanna read about the game?

Get the sports page.

Wanna read about my view of the game?

Read on.

So I go to the men's room....huge lines inside.

While inside I see this sign on the wall. I take a picture of it.

(Drunken football fans love when you start snapping pix in the men's room.)





Do we really need signs telling us not to drink from the urinals and toilets?

-----------------


And guess what?




Turns out I wasn't in the men's room.

"But your honor, I HAD to!"

So a few minutes ago I see this old lady walking down the street and she's wearing an ill-fitting sweatshirt that had the above logo/design on it.

I'm gonna kill a cat tonight.

It's her fault.

SO TO SUM UP:

Cats don't really leave paw prints on our hearts. They just don't.

Though some of them are kinda cute.

Possibly stolen (and edited) from an AP wire story:

NEAR BOSTON (AP) - I AINT NO OPRAH was set to announce Friday that his powerhouse blog, the foundation of a multibillion-dollar media empire with legions of fans, will end its run in 2011 after 25 seasons on the air.

IANO planned to announce the final date for "THE I AINT NO OPRAH BLOG" during a live broadcast, according to his production company, IANO Productions Inc.

Many fans heading into IANO Studios on Friday morning seemed to support I AINT NO WINFREY'S decision to end the blog.

"You always want to end a blog when people want more - and not when people are sick of the same old tired beat into the ground gags (and the Beatles Game)," said Rebecca Switaj, 31, of Chicago.

Circle Jerk

Do you remember the other day when I was complaining about Circle Jerk coming into my shop every day and just walking around in clockwise circles...sometimes for up to twenty minutes?

He's driving me nuts.




Now he's coming in, sometimes for up to twenty minutes, walking in clockwise circles, AND NOW HE'S TOUCHING EVERY BOOK IN THE STORE!!!

And he's not an attractive gal like the psycho circle walking book touching bitch in the picture.

Bet ya can't make it all the way through!

Breaking Fake News!

Obama's Home Teleprompter Malfunctions During Family Dinner

With thanks to Mel Brooks.

So I get up this morning with a bad case of 'bed head'.

Wifey looks at me.

Here is that conversation:

WIFEY: "What's up with your hair??"

ME: "What do you mean what's up with my hair?"

WIFEY: "You look like Caesar!"

ME: "Seize this!"

Crazy Jason and Joe Sinnott

CRAZY JASON: "Do you know Joe Sinnott?"

ME: "The guy who used to ink for Marvel Comics?"

CRAZY JASON: "Yes...him."

ME: "I know of Joe...what about him?"

CRAZY JASON: "Well, if you say his name in a slurred way it sounds like Joe Snot."

ME: "Thank you."

And he's back!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drThis guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

_______

SO TO SUM UP:
This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drThis guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

PS:

I think he's on heavy meds.

PPSS

He told me he likes Supergirl.

PPPSSS:


This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drThis guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

_______

SO TO SUM UP:
This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drThis guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

Oliver

So we're watching some show last night and some lady discusses her pet. Wifey decides to ask her a question (Even though it was a TV show and the lady can't hear Wifey or answer her.)

LADY ON TV SHOW: "His name is Oliver, but we call him Ollie!"

WIFEY: "SO WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST NAME HIM OLLIE!!??"

--------

SO TO SUM UP:
Saturday Night at the IANO Ranch.

Probably the best story you'll read this weekend.

(Nov. 6) -- Allison Henry isn't the first to suffer from a horrifying medical condition that few women talk about. But her case was particularly bad, and she's just one of the few brave souls willing to come forward so that others will have the courage to seek help.

To put it bluntly, as Henry does: "My vagina fell out of my body."


--------

FOR THE FULL STORY:

http://www.sphere.com/2009/11/06/woman-reveals-health-horror-my-vagina-fell-out/?icid=main|htmlws-main-w|dl1|link4|http%3A%2F%2Fwww.sphere.com%2F2009%2F11%2F06%2Fwoman-reveals-health-horror-my-vagina-fell-out%2F

Nuff Said

The Fort Hood Shooter and Broccoli

Is shooting and killing thirteen people deranged?

Perhaps.


The following is the part that jumped out at me:


:::::::She said Hasan gave her frozen broccoli, spinach, T-shirts and shelves on Wednesday, then returned Thursday morning and gave her his air mattress, several briefcases and a desk lamp.:::::::::::


That's deranged.

You're about to fire up hell on an army base but first you make sure you get rid of your broccoli??

And not just any kind of broccoli.

Frozen Broccoli.

Kudos to The New York Yankees!

Pretend like this says something clever about The Phillies and Dynamite.

Just play the goddamn game!

ME: "You're starving to death...what do you eat...a dog or a cat?"

WIFEY: "Neither."

ME: "You HAVE to pick one. You're starving to death...cat or dog?"

WIFEY: "I'm not eating a cat or a dog."

ME: "You don't have to kill it...it will be prepared. Cat or dog?"

WIFEY: I am not going to eat a cat or dog. That's gross!"

ME: "You're on an island. You're starving to death! A cat. Or a dog?"

WIFEY: "I'm not eating a cat or a dog."

ME: "Do you want some popcorn?"

WIFEY: "No thank you."

This is it.

ME: "Did you go see the new Michael Jackson movie?"

GUY: "Who plays Michael?"

Crazy Jason and Gary Gygax

CRAZY JASON: "Do you know Gary Gygax?"

ME: "I know of him...why?"

CRAZY JASON: "Is he from Hungary?

ME: "I'm not sure."

Boyfriend Jeans

You might want to do a google image search on "boyfriend jeans"

These are possibly worse than the Capri scare of 2003-2009.

Deadlier than the (luckily short-lived) Croc infestation of 2008.

-----

Dear Women of all shapes and sizes,

You won't look good in these!

Don't wear them!!

Love,
I AINT NO OPRAH

Dear UNICEF,

Next year please keep your begging mulattos away from my house.

Thank you in advance!

LOVE,
I AINT NO OPRAH.


(I'm probably in trouble for today's post, huh?)

What to say to Trick or Treaters!!

Don't like talking to trick or treaters?

Don't know what to say to them?

Use this handy Cheat-Sheet of time-honored classics:

1) "Aren't you ADORABLE!! Hey Honey, come here and look at this Cutie!"

2) "OHHHH!! Scary!!!"

3) "And what are YOU supposed to be?"

4) "Aren't you kinda old to be trick or treatiing??"

5) "We're out of candy...would you like a penny or a band-aid"

6) "You're out kinda late, huh?"

7) "Oh, look, our first Batman!" (19th Batman)

8) "Oh, look, our first Princess!" (27th Princess)

9) "HOBO!"

10) "GET OFFA MY LAWN!!!"

Or maybe this one?

Best song of the 1980s (because I said so!)

MASH-UPS

I've gone my whole life without hearing the term 'mash-up'.

But now all of a sudden in the last two weeks I've heard it fourteen or eighteen times!! Maybe nineteen times!

STOP WITH THE MASH-UPS! (does Federal Express get angry at this??)

The only thing I want mashed up is my potatoes.

And butternut squash. Little brown sugar. Lots of butter.





-----

A visit from Lois and her kids

So Lois and her kids stop in the shop today for a visit.

The little guy spots a Black Jesus bobblehead doll.

Here is the conversation that followed:

LITTLE GUY: "Mom! Who is this?"

LOIS: "That's Black Jesus."

LITTLE GUY: "What can he do?"

LOIS: "Everything White Jesus can. And dance."

The Heimlich Manure

So I wake up last night and that is going through my brain.

I know it's a 'winner'.

The Heimlich Manure.

I know it's a great punchline. I'll build a story around it and then BAM!

Heimlich Manure.

The guffaws will be heard from here to there.

I will be famous.

The Heimlich Manure!

Funny funny.

And then I thought..."Crap, that's something Crazy Jason would think of!"

It's only a matter of time before he calls with a Heimlich Manure story.

I know this.

I think he's inside me.

Or something.

I think I just came up with a way to keep America safe from ever being attacked.

It's a simple plan.

Most of our clothes are made overseas, correct?

So lets change up sizing.

Huh?

We'll send design changes to the factories in Taiwan and China and Pakistan etc.

For example:

A man's dress shirt that would normally be an extra-large...now label it small. They will think we're HUGE!

A normally XXL shirt?? Label it medium. They will tremble.

Etc.


These dumb ass countries will think Americans are GIANTS and POWERFUL and they will leave us alone. ("Amelicans berry big, berry strong")

Clever, huh?

Excuse me while I wash in my own genius.

PS:

We'll also change female dress sizes to a minimum of 40. Keep the bastards from wanting our women.

God Bless America.

It was five years ago today, Sgt Pepper taught the band to play

Joe

Gaffe-Prone Biden Embarrasses Nation Yet Again By Sneezing During Meeting

You remind me of a man.

"What man?"

"A man with a power."

"Power of what?"

"Voodoo."

"Who do?"

"Do what?"

"Remind me of a man."

"What man?"

"A man with a power."

"Power of what?"

"Voodoo."

"Who do?"

"Do what?"

"Remind me of a man."

"What man?"

"A man with a power."

"Power of what?"

"Voodoo."

"Who do?"

"Do what?"

"Remind me of a man."

"What man?"

Or something.
-----

Phillies in seven.

Swine Flu. You got that?

It's Swine Flu. (It's just been declared a National Emergency! Good thing Obama is on the ball...oh, wait...he knew about this eight months ago)

Swine Flu.

That's what you call it.

That's what I call it.

Swine Flu.

But somehow in the last couple of weeks the media is calling it H1N1 Flu.

All scientific-ey

Or IS it the media that's calling it H1N1?

Could it be...our government??

It's one of the two.

Or could it be the Pig Lobby? (don't wanna be giving pigs a bad name or anything)

It's Swine Flu. You know it. I know it. They know it. But they're now calling it H1N1 Flu


Swine Flu...it rolls off the tongue. H1N1 Flu...not so much.

When you look at H1N1 in print your (my) first thought is that it's pronounced 'HINEY'

I wish it was the Hiney Flu. Something humorous about that.

The Hiney Flu.

Point of the story?

If the Hoag had actually been the one to invent taxicabs he would be a very very wealthy man. With Hiney Flu.

Or something.

I want soup! (RIP)

Million dollar idea, two dollar brain. Or is it a two dollar idea in a million dollar brain?

I'm gonna paraphrase a conversation with the Hoag.

HOAG: "I just came up with a million dollar idea!"

ME: "And what might that be?"

HOAG: "Well, let's say you're out drinking and you drink too much..."

ME: "Yeah, yeah...go on?"

HOAG: "Well, we could provide a driving service where we pick you up at wherever you're drinking and drive you home."

ME: "You mean like a taxi cab?"

HOAG: "I guess it is....crap."

ME: "Should we have another drink?"

Time is up

Looks like it's just about time to delete some slackers.

Dear France,

Sometimes I sell stuff on ebay.

In my listing I mention that I will only ship to the US.

So unless you want us to go all Hitler on you...STOP BIDDING ON MY STUFF BECAUSE IT SCREWS UP MY AUCTIONS!!

You got that, leAsshole? lePoof?

The successful criminal brain is always superior. It has to be! (RIP)

I love you, FOXNEWS.COM !!

>Somalia’s hardline Islamist group al Shabaab is cracking down on residents who do not follow a strict form of Sharia Islamic law, now publicly whipping women who wear bras, the Times of India reported.

Residents tell the paper that gunmen have been gathering women in Mogadishu who are perceived to have firm busts. These women are then publicly whipped by masked men as punishment for what Islamist leaders call deception.

After the public whippings, the women are forced to remove their bras and shake their breasts, the Times reported.

“Al Shabaab forced us to wear their type of veil and now they order us to shake our breasts,” a resident, Halima, told the Times of India.
<


-----------------

Why do women like men?

HOAX!

Balloon trapped in well!


(Someone else made that joke (hoax) up)

AMAZING!!!

Helium filled boy-less balloon floats!!!

World stunned!

(Parents name boy FALCON...WORLD STUNNED!)

A couple of Crazy Jasons, A text conversation with Wifey, maybe a snippet, an RIP for Johnny Fontaine. Or something.

TEXT CONVERSATION WITH WIFEY AND ME:

ME: "Woof!"

WIFEY: "Huh?"

ME: "Hi."

WIFEY: "I'll be home soon."

----------------


CRAZY JASON: "You know that great assassin Sirhan Sirhan?"

ME: "I know of him, yes..."

CRAZY JASON: "He would have made a great Han Solo..."

ME: "Hmmmm."

CRAZY JASON: You know, if he didn't bop future Presidents."

ME: "Thank you."

-----------



---------


------------

ME: "The guy who plays Eric on True Blood came in my store today!"

DAUGHTER: "OH MY GOD! Did you get his autograph? You're lying, aren't you?"

ME: "I'm lying."

---------------

The Pissboy is a man.

So this guy (pissboy) comes into my shop today and loudly proclaims: "EVERY TIME I COME IN HERE I HAVE TO PISS!!"

I just looked at him.

Somehow it's my fault that he has to 'piss'.

(Have I ever told anyone how much I hate the word piss?)

So if EVERY TIME he comes in here he has to piss you'd think that maybe Pissboy would piss at home before he comes down here.

But that would be too simple...instead he needs to proclaim "EVERY TIME I COME IN HERE I HAVE TO PISS!!"

Maybe, just maybe, Pissboy should watch his liquids before he shops. Ya think?

But it's my fault that he has to piss EVERY TIME HE COMES DOWN HERE!!

I don't need to know his piss schedule or what makes him piss or why he needs to piss in my shop.

He's a pisser, plain and simple.

A pissboy.

The super weird part is that he proclaims "EVERY TIME I COME IN HERE I HAVE TO PISS!!" yet he never askes to use my bathroom.

So now I'm thinking about his filled bladder...his huge prostate....his tinkle factory.

He bought a DVD...said DVD had a water theme. Really. In fact it was the largest grossing water themed movie of all-time.

Maybe watching water-themed movies...or even thinking about water-themed movies is the cause of his piss-passion.

But none of us really need to know about it.

Keep your piss needs to yourself. I don't need to know.

And that my friends, is the Saga of the Pissboy.

This certainly explains why the broads are all over me all the time:

THE BIRTH CONTROL PILL:

It ushered in the 1960s sexual revolution and gave women control over their own fertility.
But the Pill may also have changed women's taste in men, according to a study.
Scientists say the hormones in the oral contraceptive suppress a woman's interest in masculine men and make boyish men more attractive. Although the change occurs for just a few days each month, it may have been highly influential since use of the Pill began more than 40 years ago.


Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1218808/Contraceptive-pill-women-attracted-masculine-men--interested-boyish-looks.html#ixzz0TMQmPBQe

Cousin Saul wrote this, I'm posting it. (Please don't make fun of his dress)

Friends and family,

I would guess that many of you are getting tired of me "talking" about my son, Adam, but this Saturday would have been his 30th birthday. (hard to believe he'd be 30 years old!)

I learned several things from Adam...I learned that I need to love people more. I learned that I shouldn't expect people to behave as I would like them to behave. I learned that I need to overcome my fears and try new things. Adam loved to read and write poetry and although I'm NOT a big poetry fan, I decided to try to write a short poem for his 30th birthday gift. I don't really know if he would have liked my poem, but he would be glad that I tried....Saul Fowley



AIRPORT TIME

While we wait at the West Palm Beach Airport

I watch the people with the summer-colored skin

Eagerly awaiting the arrival of their sons or daughters.

Voyagers from the land of the working.

As the weary travellers disembark from the planes

And excitedly rush into their parents embrace,

I miss you all the more, my son.

I look forward to the day, in the next life,

When we can embrace once again.

Happy birthday Adam.

I love you.

Dad, 10-6-09

Lazy Love and The Snippets

So the other day Wifey leaves before I wake up and puts a note on the counter that says 'I Love You'

Very nice.

When I get home that night I notice said note on her desk in the kitchen.

No big deal...she just hasn't thrown it away yet.

So this morning I stumble into the kitchen before Wifey has left and I notice the same note sitting on the counter 'I Love You'

Here is the conversation that followed:

ME: "You can't just leave an old 'I Love You' note on the counter."

WIFEY: "Yes I can."

------------

LADY FROM INDIA: "I'm guessing you get a lot of Indians in here."

ME: "Yes...A lot."

-------------

At a restaurant the other night and we have this wannabee sexy waitress that is kinda flirting around. She takes a cloth napkin and she very carefully places it on the upper part of my leg and kinda patting and smoothing it down. Here is the conversation that followed:

ME: "Wow...I don't think I can stand up right now."

HER: " Wow..I don't think I can sit down."

(She got a good tip)

-------------

In OLD NAVY:

ME: "Those mannequins are creepy!"

GAL CLERK: "I have to dress them...you should see them naked."

ME: "I wish..."

--------------

A TEXT TO MY OLDEST DAUGHTER:

ME: "Hey."

HER: "Hey."

----------

Top Ten Reasons Dave Letterman slept with his staffers.

10) He's a man.

9) He's a man.

8) He's a man.

7) He's a man.

6) He's a man.

5) He's a man.

4) He's a man.

3) He's a man.

2) He's a man.

And the number one reason David Letterman slept with some of his staff:

1) He's a man.