Elvis died also.

Our Newest Feature: Steve Jobs Jokes

Q: How can we view Steve's body in the coffin?

A: Slide to unlock.

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"I applied at Apple but they said they have no Jobs left."

-------

I blame Obama for the lack of Jobs.

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I was going to tell 5 Steve Jobs jokes but I decided on only 4s instead.

Could it be for...ATTEMPTED MURDER???

Attempted murder.

It never gets old. Except for when it does.

Attempted Murder

(I might have stolen this joke)

Quasi-Straight Shirt

Bobble Head Confusion

LITTLE BROWN GIRL: "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! It's George Lopez!!"

LARGE BROWN MOM: "No, Honey...that's Ronald Reagan."

Kids say the darndest things.

With an S because Snip it with a Z would be Liza

ME: "Why don't you join me and Wifey on Saturday night?"

KAREN: "Saturday night is date night."

WIFEY: "Come along...we're just roommates."

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ME IN MAY: "If the Red Sox don't win the World Series I will cut off my pinky toe."

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ME NOW: "Fuck."

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ON THE CHARLIE SHEEN ROAST: They bleep out the words 'down syndrome' but left in 'retard'.

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ME: "If you could kill one person who would it be?"

CUSTOMER: "About five or six people."

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BARTENDER: "That's nice that you remember my name."

ME: "Michelle?"

BARTENDER: "No, it's Brittany, but you were close."

--------

HOAGY: "In forty years how did we never come up with the name HOMOGY before?"

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PERSON WALKING INTO SHOP: "Do you sell Sony Walkmans?"

ME: "Does anybody?"

(I had heard a Walkman reference earlier in the week so I was ready with this snappy comeback)

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ME ON PHONE: "Did you get my urine?"

PERSON ON PHONE: "Yes. Thank you. We will send you a refund next week."

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DOOFUS: "So what did you do with the carcass?"

ME: "It's not a carcass. It's my dog."

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ACTUAL PRODUCT:

HAND SANITIZER FOR PEOPLE THAT MIGHT HAVE TOUCHED THEIR GENITALS.

ME: "Do they make it in bigger bottles?"

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New Feature: Things found at the dollar store!

Banana-fana-fo-foey....

One Upping Hoagy

Happy Birthday, Sparkle!

The Lady With The Bulldog

LADY: "Hi...do you have a big snake?"

ME: "No."

Don't BOGO this joint, my friend.

ME: "This hot chick came in the store the other day and started hitting on me."

DAUGHTER: "She was probably just trying to get a discount."

Possibly (I said POSSIBLY) the funniest moment on TV

So Michael J Fox guest starred on the last episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

At one point in the episode Michael proceeds to give Larry a can of Coke.

We all know what happened next...

Motown

It's September 11th and I'm gonna tell you a little story about this September 11th.

Does it tie in to that infamous Sept. 11th ten years ago?

Probably not.

Last week Wifey cut the grass for me. She does that sometimes.

So today it was my turn.

I go out to the garage, get the gas can, all ready to fill up Betsy.

Betsy is missing her gas cap.

Wifey was the one to last use the mower.

Back into the house I storm!

"LUUUUUCY!!! WHERE IS THE GAS CAP!!!???"

So out she comes to retrace her mowing steps.

It seems she filled up the mower on the front yard.

We morphed into Lewis and Clark and searched for the missing gas cap.

After what seemed liked three minutes (It was probably two minutes) she found the missing gas cap..

So all was good.

I filled up the tank and cut the grass in the traditional diagonal pattern.

But my mind was made up.

Wifey was to be put on (dramatic music) MOWER PROBATION!

She would need to do the three step check each time she used the mower.

Gas cap on.

Oil cap on.

Mower washed afterwards.

So I went in in the house and told Wifey that she was now on (dramatic music) MOWER PROBATION!

Here is how Wifey responded:

WIFEY: "Fuck off."

The above picture is on cnn.com today.

The headline for the picture is:

LIBYA FIGHTERS ATTACK GADHAFI STRONGHOLD

The picture shows a guy with a gun in the back of an El Camino.

The stronghold appears to be a piece of unprotected worthless land.

If you can't beat a guy in an El Camino you don't deserve to be a dictator.

And if you don't have an actual stronghold please don't call it a stronghold, okay?

Ten Years Ago: My loss.

Everybody has their story.

Their memories

Their loss.

Here is my loss from that day.

It was a Tuesday. Gorgeous day. Not a cloud in the sky.

I was ready to go to work.

My lunch was in the fridge.

I gathered my stuff up. Paperwork. Wallet.

My keys.

MY KEYS!!

WHERE ARE MY KEYS!!

I have to get to the warehouse!! It's Tuesday!

WHERE ARE MY KEYS!!

I looked around.

After a tense minute or two I found them.

9/11 my loss.

Never forget.

Salt of the Earth

So I'm at a restaurant the other night and I want the salt.

So I reach over to grab the "salt shaker" and it's one of those stupid sea salt ones where you have to grind the salt.

I wanted a salt shaker like the ones pictured above.

You know, a salt shaker.

To put salt on my food.

But this crap pizza place (and don't get me started on the "pizza") thought they were all upscale and provided us with sea salt.

Sea salt that I have to grind and then somehow figure out how to just get on the chicken that was on my "pizza" and not the "pizza" itself.

People just want salt in a regular salt shaker.

We don't want sea salt that needs a grindin'.

I speak for everybody on this matter.

I am the Lorax of salt.

The most basic of things is salt in a conventional shaker. I don't want to think about salt.

Yet I was. Yet I am.

I want Morton brand salt in a see-through salt shaker.

So do you, so does your mother, so does Mel Gibson and Halle Berry.

It's called salt for a reason.

Special Report for Cake

I miss you

This was going to be a post about not watching TV for over thirty hours because of the "hurricane" that caused our power to go out.

I was going to talk about what TV means to me. How it keeps me warm. Happy. Sane.

How it's on even when I ain't watching.

How it's been with me for most of my life.

How I've never gone thirty plus hours without it.

My withdrawal pains.

My shows I missed (True Blood!)

It was going to make you sad.

TV is TV and it should always be on in my house.

And I was going to make all sorts of witty comments on how No TV makes No sense.

And on and on and on.

And then I remembered something.

We went out to eat last night and we watched TV at the bar.

So I basically didn't watch TV the normal amount of time I don't watch TV.

And all is right with the world.

Or something.

Come on, Irene

It's Irene, not Craw

Veni Vidi iPhone

The iPhone.

The most beautiful thing ever made.

I said ever.

It's sleek. It's smooth.

It's Halle Berry wrapped up in more Halle Berry.

It's the iPhone.

It feels good in your hand. In your pocket.

It looks good on the table in a restaurant.

It looks good in your car.

Against your ear.

It's the iPhone.

They could have have called it the Love Phone.

Or the Halle Berry Phone.

So here we have the most beautiful thing in the world and what do most people do with it?

They cover it up with a bulky, lame, ugly case!


Would you cover up Halle Berry with a bulky lame ugly case?

Of course not!

Stop dropping your iPhone and you won't need a case!

It's the iPhone.

The most beautiful thing ever made.

I said EVER.

Because it's summer?

Walk This Way

Over on the right hand side of this blog there is a LINKS section.

See the one named ABBEY ROAD?

Well, basically it's a web cam pointed at the famous crossing made famous by The Beatles on their classic(though not as good as Rubber Soul or Revolver) Abbey Road album.

That webcam shows the Abbey Road crossing 24 hours a day, every day.

And it's become a tourist attraction. And folks tend to walk in the crosswalk and cross kinda like the Beatles did.

Four people will get in the middle of the street, pose all Beatle-ee, and then a friend will snap a picture.

This goes on every few minutes.

Some people do it on their wedding day in wedding attire. Some people dress up like the Beatles.

And every so often someone won't know where they are and they just cross the street in a diagonal fashion outside of the famed Beatle Crosswalk!!

You're at Abbey EFFIN Road!!! Cross the goddamn street (road) like a goddamn BEATLE!!

Crossing in a diagonal fashion IS NOT THE BEATLE WAY!!!

Some guys will cross it all serpentine.

It's Abbey Road. Cross that street (road) with your back straight, arms to your side, a nice wide Beatle gait!!

It's The Beatle Way!

Do I need to mention it's a law?

A Beatle law?

Howard Stern

So I'm in the car the other day listening to The Howard Stern Show on the radio.

Howard does some pretty good interviews and part of his style is to sometimes ask very personal questions. Usually when the person isn't expecting it.

Sometimes those questions are wicked raunchy.

So he's talking to some guy (I forget who it was)

Here is part of the interview:

HOWARD: "So have you ever kissed a man?"

GUY: "NO!"

{Now just before the next question I was pulling up to pay the toll on The Pike}

HOWARD: "Would you ever blow a man?"

TOLL TAKER: "No. And that will be 70 cents."

ME: "That was Howard asking! Not me!"

----
Moral of the Story?

Turn your radio down when paying tolls.

Hungry, Hungry Hitler

Love my Good and Plenty!

The universe always balances out

Yes, the children of Somalia are starving.

But they get to live in swinging bowls.

What do you think Hoag will wear tonight?

a simple thank you.

I'll keep this simple today.

I'd like to thank the disabled veterans.

For the free address labels I get each year.

God Bless America.

The oxen are free.

I have two daughters.

One is 21 years old, the other is 25 years old.

They came over to the house the other night just to hang out.

At one point in the evening Wifey got up to use the bathroom.

Here is what happened next:

ME: (in my whisper voice) "Hey, quick! Hide on your mother!!"

They instantly got up and ran behind the couch in the family room.

I could hear the hushed laughter as they became 4 and 8 again.

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EPILOGUE:

WIFEY: "Where are the girls?"

ME: "They got a call and had to leave."

Wifey calls it 'dog' when what she really means is dog fur

So I come home last night and give the signal to Wifey to give me a hug.

WIFEY: "No, you have dog all over you!"

ME: "I don't have dog all over me!"

But I take my shirt off anyhow (I still have a t-shirt on...calm down) and throw it on the counter and give the hug signal.

WIFEY: "NO! Now there is dog near the fruit!!"

ME: "No dog near the fruit."

So I take the shirt off the counter and toss it on the kitchen island. I give the hug signal.

WIFEY: "No! Now there is dog near the candle!

----

All the while the actual dog was just sitting on the floor.

A Minute To Win It

So there is this game show on tv called A MINUTE TO WIN IT.

They have different skill type games for the contestants to do in one minute to win money.

The more tasks they complete, the more money they earn.

Usually they team up two people (usually hot sisters with cleavage)

I'm watching the other night. One contestant is doing the skill game of blowing ping pong balls onto a dish (or something equally lame)

The teammate watches and screams encouragement.

Here is what the teammate screamed as the clock ticked down the sixty seconds:

Dr.UnclearOnTheConcept: "Now just take your time!!!"

---

A Minute To Win It.

Elvis aint the retard

So I have a regular 'customer' that is an actual retarded (Special Olympian) guy.

Here is the conversation I had with him today:

TARD: "Who is you favorite Beatle?"

ME: "Ummmm...Ringo."

TARD: "I like Ringo."

ME: "Who is your favorite Elvis Presley?"

TARD: "Ummmm....Elvis."

ME: "Mine also."

Congrats to a friend of mine and her new baby!

Out of context snippet about Congressman Wu from Oregon

'Photos surfaced of Wu looking red-faced and deranged while wearing a fuzzy orange tiger costume and staffers said they received rambling emails that appeared to be written by Wu's children but were actually written by him.'

RIP Amy Winehouse

Norway still in shock after massacre.

I'm on a lobster roll!

So last night I went out with some friends to the movies.

Before said movies I had a lobster roll.

When I got home Wifey was still up. Here is the conversation we had:

ME: "I had a lobster roll."

WIFEY: "I'm glad for you."

ME: "YOU'RE NOT GLAD FOR ME AT ALL!!"

WIFEY: "I am!"

ME: "Liar. I think you're jealous."

WIFEY: "Whatever."

We're having a heatwave, a tropical heatwave...

So there is a heatwave going on.

In the summer!

The above picture is (was) on msnbc.com

Look at the picture.

Dramatic, huh?

I would guess that maybe 180 million-240 million Americans are feeling the heatwave.

And msnbc.com finds the one guy drinking from a gigantic barrel.

Nobody else in all of the 50 states is scarffin' down water out of a barrel.

The heatwave hasn't screwed up our faucets. We have tons of clean fresh water.

Most people have air conditioning.

Most people are drinking water out of glasses or 12 ounce bottles.

Joco's

This place is across the street from where I work.

Every so often I look outside and see Joco's.

At a glance the sign looks like it says 'Tacos'.

SO TO SUM UP:

I want tacos.

Paint Chips

So we're having our house painted. The outside.

So we do what any normal people would do.

We get paint chips!

Lots and lots of paint chips.

And we start picking out colors.

And then I notice Benjamin Moore's disclaimer. Paraphrased.

"Color on paint chip does not necessarily match color of actual paint."

What???

The paint chip has ONE purpose in life!! TO. MATCH. THE. COLOR. OF. THE. ACTUAL. PAINT.

As a nation we can pretend to land men on the moon but we can't match paint color to a cardboard chip????

This whole courtroom is out of order!!!

(The courtroom is done in a nice Cayman Lagoon)

The Paul McCartney Review.

I guess Paul played at Yankee Stadium the other night.

I read a review about it in the NY Post.

They said he played some solo stuff, some Beatles songs, and some Wings songs.

Wow.

I never would have guessed that.

Clams and water.

So To Sum Up:

Clams and water.

Yahtzee!

So last night Wifey and I were playing Yahtzee.

She looked at me.

Here is what she said:

WIFEY: "You're boring."

---

Did I mention we were playing Yahtzee?

Auto Correct

The story you are about to read is true.

It just happened.

I was using my iPhone and I started to type Jeter (Derek Jeter had just slammed his 3000th hit)

The iPhone has an auto-correct feature that I had on.

When I typed Jeter it suggested 'Heterosexual'

I found that amusing. Derek Jeter a heterosexual.

RIP Betty Ford

Copyright CLINKY

Armless man pitches at Fenway

I was going to link the Youtube but then it just turned out to be a guy pitching with his feet.

Lame!!

Pitching with invisible arms would have been way cooler.

Apache Squaw Cook Um Up Good. Apache Squaw Need Job.

Selling your house

So the other day I was reading this article in USA Today on how to best sell your house.

The author goes on and on with the advice:

Re-do your kitchen!

Fresh paint!

Get rid of clutter!

And on and on and on.

Tip after tip after tip.

And then she mentioned that when she was trying to sell her house she even paid a shaman to come to her house to get rid of any bad mojo that might be around.

I didn't read the rest of the article.

Fresh paint???

Friend from the 1970s or serial killer?

The RAID on Antebbe

So the other day I'm putting a bag of trash in my trunk when I notice a few ants on the bag.

I take said bag and put it inside another plastic bag and then put back in trunk.

(I'm taking trash to a dumpster)

So I get to the dumpster about an hour later and I open up the trunk.

ANTS!!!

And not the good Jemima kind!

My trunk is covered in ants!! Tons of ants!

I go inside my shop and find a can of RAID and spray the crap out of my trunk.

I wipe it clean with a sponge.

I taught those bastards a big time lesson.

Stay outta my trunk, Ants!!

My day continues. Hours pass. Night nears.

My workday is done. I go out to my car.

I check the trunk. No ants.

Did I mention it was a steamy day?

I get in my car.

It's a freakin' oven in there with Zyklon B fumes choking me!!

It reeks of death in my car. It reeks of RAID!

I can hear the ants laughing at me.

---
Epilogue:

Three days later my car is still a headache inducing deathmobile.

I have to drive with the windows down (those that know me know that I hate that!!)

This morning I covered the trunk with Arm and Hammer baking soda.

It did no good.

Some weird kinda chemsitry is going on in my trunk. It ain't good.

Never forget.

The ants still laugh.

I still have a RAID headache.

How to avoid getting hit by a train.

When you get to around the two minute mark you'll pretty much know what I'm gonna be doing the rest of the day.

I've failed you.

I tried.

I really, really tried.

But I failed.

I was sure I was gonna be able work up a clever Anthony Weiner/Whitey Bulger post.

But I couldn't.

I guess there just ain't anything funny about a Bulger Weiner post.

(Though we all know there should be)

Evan the Liar

EVAN: "Hi. I. Am. Evan. And. I. Stutter. What. Time. Are. You. Open. Until?

ME: "Hi Evan! We're open until 6:30 during the week and until 5:00 on the weekends."

EVAN: "Thank. You."

---

The little bastard lied to me. He didn't stutter at all.

It would have been more fun if he had.

The guy wearing the turban in his suv.

So I'm driving to work and I spot this guy in a Land Cruiser.

He's wearing a turban.

Put those two things togther and for some reason my mind brings me to 9/11.

It just does.

Was the guy's SUV loaded with explosives?

Was he on his way to blow up The Hancock Building? The Ted Willaims tunnel?

I hate having these thoughts. They all take place within about fifteeen seconds. Usually I forget about them.

Not this time.

This guy I will probably remember for the rest of my life.

If I was gonna blow something up in America I certainly wouldn't wear my turban.

He did. He was practically flaunting it.

The fucker.

I drove side by side with him for maybe 4 seconds. No eye contact made.

He finally passed me.

I was prepared to write down his plate number.

Until I looked at said plate.

He had a vanity plate.

It read:

JAZZY1

The Taliban are going to kill us with Jazz.

Richie

Let me tell you about Richie.

He looks about 40-45.

He has crazy bushy hair, peppered with gray.

He's nuts.

Always with a stained or torn vintage rock and roll t-shirt on.

Numerous gold chains around his neck. Nicotine stains on his ringed fingers.

He rolls his own smokes.

He loves classic rock and roll and is very knowledgable about it.

When he shops with me he asks what everything costs (even though everything has a price tag on it)

He's very random.

He's a pain in the neck...but very charming. (always with the smile)

When he first started shopping with me we would always exchange 'soul handshakes' in spite of his whiteness. (My OCD took over and now we fist-bump)

Last week Richie wanted to return a $295.00 item that he bought three years ago. He still had the receipt. (I didn't want it back with it now being covered in nicotine stains)

I think he is on some type of state program (he certainly doesn't work)

---

Do you have a good picture of Richie in your head?

Richie came in yesteday, a Stevie Ray Vaughan song was playing on the radio.

The shop was empty.

Richie started singing along with the song. Not like Stevie Ray.

Richie might have the best singing voice I've ever in my life heard.

He just kept belting out the song. Smiling as he sang.

I looked at him stunned.

I told him he was incredible and should at least try out for American Idol or one of those types of shows.

He said he just likes to sing for himself.

I'm plan on riding his ripped up Bob Segar T-shirt to untold millions.

(And he thanked me for not allowing the return the previous week as he ended up getting the money somewhere else)

It ain't me that's going to hell.

I have a cancer guy in my shop.

Right now.

A guy that has cancer.

Real cancer.

He's a total douchebag. A cancer-ridden douchebag.

I hope he dies of cancer.

After he suffers horribly for the next few weeks.

---

SO TO SUM UP:

Less of a dick, more of the chemo.

A great quote from an article I just read. I will dedicate it to CAKE.

'This was Vancouver's title to win or lose. Plenty of Canadians would have been rooting for Boston last night because, contrary to international opinion, we have our fair share of assholes up here, too.'

Love means never having to say you're sorry for rioting.

I now love hockey.

The Fire Inspection

Once a year the fire department does an inspection of my store.

This year they told me that the area near the back door needed to be cleaned out.

Here is the conversation:

SPARKY: "...and you'll need to clean out this area here."

ME: "Why?"

SPARKY: "Because it's a marked exit and people have to be able to get thru in case of a fire."

ME: "Geez...I really don't have any place to put this stuff."

SPARKY: "It's a finable offense."

ME: "How about I move it just when the fire starts?"

SPARKY: "Do you have any Shogun Warriors?"

Taxation widout representin'

("That pic is a senseless & ignorant hoax McD's values ALL our customers. Diversity runs deep in our culture on both sides of the counter," the company tweeted on its official account Saturday.)

Anthony Weiner.

We've all read about Anthony Weiner.

Did you know he wanted to run for Mayor of New York? (really)

That might not happen now because of the scandal.

But let's pretend he did run.

And now let's pretend he won!

I'm guessing if he ever had a comeback like that...Hollywood would make a movie about it.

Or maybe a documentary.

Imagine if it won the big award??

"And here is your Oscar, Mayor Weiner!"

---
I'll be here all week.

Swiped from SurvivingGrady

The Backstroke

So I went to take my last sip of coffee before brushing my teeth when I noticed a fly in my brew.

How long was he there?

Had I been slurping my coffee while BrundleFly was doing laps?

I looked back in the cup. I looked at the fly.

I took my last sip.

And then poured the rest down the drain.

Luckily that fly can swim.

Sometimes A Cigar Is Just A Cool Song

The Cravings

So yesterday I get a text from Wifey:

"Could you please stop at Burger King on your way home and get me two hamburgers...I'm craving them."

I bring her two hamburgers. Because that's the kinda guy I am.

When I get home I notice that there is another text on my phone.

"Could you please get me five navel oranges?"

So I apologize to Wifey for not noticing the text and the request for oranges.

Here is what she said:

"Oh crap, I meant to send that text to Youngest Daughter, not you."

---

So lets review:

In the span of a few minutes Wifey sends out two texts (that we know about) requesting food from two different food groups because she is CRAVING them!!

Is it possible that she sent out numerous other texts to her Food Army to satisfy her other cravings???

She's a goddamn eating machine with numerous cravings and she might not be able to be stopped!! DELETE HER TEXTS!!!

I couldn't have said it better myself. (Amazing that we aren't allowed to use the word 'Retard' anymore)(she's still kinda hot)

"He who warned the British that they weren't gonna be takin' away our arms by ringing those bells, and makin' sure as he's riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed."

Scolded by Hoag

So I'm out with my buddy Hoag the other night when all of a sudden he says to me "Be less of a dick!"

Here is part of the rest of the conversation:

ME: "I'm a dick?"

HOAG: "Be less of a dick."

ME: "Do people think I'm a dick?"

HOAG: "Be less of a dick."

ME: "But people know I'm just kidding with them!"

HOAG: "Be less of a dick."

---
Did I mention when we went into the restaurant we kinda butted in front of Caren and Martha to get the last table in the bar area?

Did I mention that they were now sitting at the bar?

Here is some more conversation:

ME: "Hey...should I go offer them our table?"

HOAG: "No. I kinda like it here."

ME: "I'm not really gonna give them our table. I'm just gonna flaunt the table to them."

HOAG: "Be less of a dick."

RIP James Arness

Had The Beatles known about Thick Cut Bacon they would have sang about it.

Wifey doesn't tell me about stuff.

(See the above picture)

How the heck was I supposed to know about thick cut bacon??

By going into the grocery store by myself. That's how.

Thick Cut Bacon.

So I buy some and bring it home.

Here is the conversation that followed:

ME: "Look what I found!"

WIFEY: "Gross."

ME: "Why didn't you tell me about this??"

WIFEY: "You're going to die of a heart attack."

ME: "You're going to die from something else."

A Murder of Horses

So in the shop I have a bunch of toy horses that I bought from a gal.

The other day a woman from the Middle East came in and commented on the horses.

Here is that conversation (Read it with her accent):

MIDDLE EAST GAL: "Hello...could you tell me how much for the horse in the window?"

ME: "That is $14.95."

MIDDLE EAST GAL: "Where are your camels?"

ME: "I don't have any camels."

MIDDLE EAST GAL: :::dumbfounded::: "Really?"

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