Baseball

CUSTOMER: "What is this?"

ME: "That's a baseball."

CUSTOMER: "What's it for?"

ME: "To play baseball with."

CUSTOMER: "But what does it represent?"

ME: "Baseball. It came from a museum."

CUSTOMER: "Oh."

Sometimes a camel is just a cigarette.

I went to a casino the other night by myself.

Had some dinner, couple of drinks...

Then I played some roulette. 

A guy sitting next to me at the table got up and left but he forgot his cigarettes (Camels) and his lighter (Bic).

I played for a while and he never came back.

I took the pack of Camels and the Bic lighter and put it next to my stack of chips. Shortly after that a guy comes up to me and 'bums a fag' from me  (that's British for asking for a free cigarette)

No problem...I give him the Camel and flick my Bic and he walks away happy.

I play for a bit longer and then decide to walk around. I take the pack of cigarettes with me. And the lighter.

I'm not sure why. I don't smoke.

But now I'm packin' some smokes and feel really cool. (Cigarettes are still cool, right?)

I play some more games, some slots, goof around...now I need to use the bathroom.

It's tinkle-time at the MGM.

I saunter over to the urinal (that's the thing that men stand at to urinate. The urine comes out of the penis.)

I feel someone hovering over me.

You don't want people hovering over you while urine comes out of your penis. Ever.

And I hear a familiar voice.....

VOICE: "Hey...got another Camel, Bud?

ME: "Really? You're picking NOW to ask me? Can you wait until I finish? (Finish means when the urine stops coming out of my penis and after I wash my hands.)

VOICE: "Okay."

---------

MORAL OF THE STORY:

If you smoke cigarettes chances are that strange men will try to look at your penis.

And they might call you Bud.

Malaysia airlines flight 370

M'ick J'agger's girlfriend L'Wren dies.

According to the reports she killed herself.

By hanging herself. From a doorknob.

It happens.

So Mick postpones part of his New Zealand tour and rushes back to New York.

He's quoted as saying: "I will never forget her."

That's really big of Mick not to forget her.

I'm sure most people forget their girlfriends after they kill themselves.

RIP Ray Romano

Girls Weekend

WIFEY: "Don't forget...next weekend is girls weekend."

ME: "Am I going?"

WIFEY: "It's girls weekend...why would you go?"

ME: "I didn't know if I was invited or not."

WIFEY: "Are you a girl?"

ME: "No...but I wasnt sure if you wanted me to go with you or not."

WIFEY: "Do you have a vagina?"

Filet-O-Phished

So I see this ad the other day.

I like Filet-O-Fish. I like McDonalds French Fries (who doesn't!?)

So I'm driving to work around 11:00am and I see a McDonalds restaurant just up ahead.

I'm thinking Filet-O Fish and Fries for only $3.33. I'd be stupid if I wasn't thinking that!

Fish sandwich...french fries...$Three point three three.

So I go up to the college educated white guy at the counter  (I'm kidding!!) and order the Filet-O Fish and French Fries $3.33 special.

Here is the conversation:

ME: "I'd like to order the Filet-O-Fish and french fries special for $3.33.

CLERK: "We don't have that here."

ME: "You don't have Filet-O-Fish and french fries?"

CLERK: "Yes...I mean, we have those but not as a special."

ME: "This is a McDonalds, correct?"

CLERK: "It's at participating McDonalds restaurants."  (he didnt actually use the words 'participating' or 'restaurants'.)

ME: "So let me get this straight....Corporate McDonalds spends millions of dollars on a countrywide promotion and you dont want to participate?"

CLERK: "May I take your order?"

ME: "I'll have a hamburger and a small french fries."

CLERK: "That will be $4.04."

ME: "For a burger and fries?"

CLERK: "Yes."

ME: "Is that a special promotion?"

Salt Lick City

So my rear driver side tire on my car has a very slow leak. Every couple of weeks I have to stop at a gas station and put a little air in it. I havent had time to fix it.

Nor do I want to.


Why not you ask?

I'll tell you why...

I stop at the air station...I unscrew the little cap on my tire, I set the PSI thingy on the air hose to the proper setting and then I fill up my tire.

While filling up my tire the little cap thingy is in my mouth so I wont lose it.

It's got road salt on it.

I'm hooked on road salt!!!


It tastes awesome.

I wish all my tires had slow leaks.

I LOVE when Wifey is wrong.

WIFEY: "Sometimes you're not funny when you think you are."

Shoe store question and answer.

So the other night Wifey and I are at a shoe store.

I'm at the front counter paying for our purchase. Here is the conversation with the sales chick:

SALES CHICK:  :::pointing at Wifey:::: "Is she with you?"

ME:  "Sometimes."

Confession time.

With the recent death of Phillip Seymour Hoffman I think it's about time I come clean about my own addiction to heroin.

I got the monkey on my back.

I'm jonesing for the horse.

I love the fine china...I love the smack.

Blackjack.

I don't want no cold turkey for lunch.

Skag. Heat. Pump. Junk. Slink.




On the plus side... my middle name aint 'Seymour'

Groundhoag Day is coming (or did it already come?)..... will Hoag see his own shadow?

Texter, texter, pants on fire.

So last night Hoag was away. He was at dinner before a concert.

I was also at a concert but somewhere else.

We texted back and forth.

Here is part of that text conversation:

---

ME: "Daryl Jones is here playing bass!"

HOAG: "Mick is having dinner with us."

ME: "I know...that's what Keith just told me."

Things you need to know about Al Stewart (the Year of the Cat singer guy)

1. His real first name is: Alastair.

2. You don't need to know anything else.

Sue Ze Chapstick (company)

So this guy comes in the other day. Here is the conversation:

GUY: "That chapstick stuff is a scam."

ME: "How do you figure?"

GUY: "They put something in it to make your lips chapped."

ME: "Why would they do that?"

GUY: "So you'll buy more chapstick."

Merry Christmas!

I want jeggings for Christmas!

Overheard in my shop:

MAN: "I don't like dinosaurs...I only like comic books and vampires.."

The Fortune Teller

Across the street from my business is a fortune teller, tarot card reader, palm reader, mind reader gal.

She has a business and people go to her. They pay her money. To see the future. To read their minds. To read their palms.

Fortune Teller.

So anyhow...

She comes in my store today looking for Christmas gifts for her nephew.

I show her a few things.

She hems, she haws. She hems AND haws.

Here is the conversation:

ME: "So...how old is your nephew?"

FORTUNE TELLER: "He's six."

ME: "What kind of things does he like?"

FORTUNE TELLER: "I'm not sure what he's into these days."

ME: "But...."