ARIES (March something-April something)
Your cancer treatment will take a turn for the worse. Later in week you'll find a lucky quarter. Money might be a problem or maybe not. By end of week cancer treatment will take an even worse turn.
TAURUS (April something-May something)
You will find an unlucky dime. Later in the week you will buy a Ford Taurus.
GEMINI (Probably June sometime)
You will find a lucky losing lottery ticket. Your hair will fall out from the chemo. Your lucky numbers are 1, 7 and 922.
CANCER (uh-oh)
LEO (July or August)
You will be torn to shreds by a lion...oh no wait...it was a tiger! You will find a lucky skin graft.
Virgo (Septemeber?)
You will die a virgin. You will be buried in lucky coffin.
Libra (October)
You will weigh yourself...it is NOT a lucky scale.
Scorpio (October 23rd)
Everything good will happen to you forever. You will hang out with a guy named Hoagy.
Sagittarious (Nov-December )
Good time to travel...just not by plane ,train,bus,car,or boat. Your floating skills might come in handy. You don't have a lucky number.
and the other signs are just loser signs all pointing to death and poverty.
Assholeway. But, I'm psyched about my lucky coffin. Actually...Maybe the stars said, "Lucky coughdrop"?!
ReplyDeleteOh, wow - everything good will happen to me forever!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad I'm a Scorpio.
Too late for the first part of my horoscope (Virgo)
ReplyDeleteAnd no lucky coffins for me-my plan is to become a pile of ashes which my loved ones will spread over a very crowded outdoor cafe in the middle of summer.
Yum.
Dear Momenger,
ReplyDeleteYour virginity reverts back to you every Saturday night.
Or Friday if that's the night you go out.
I'm a Cancer. People wonder why I call Horoscopes "Horrorscopes" ... your post just cleared that up.
ReplyDeleteDear Jay,
ReplyDeleteCancer is never a good sign.