Did you see the news over the weekend about the mutated dolphin that was found?
It seems that it had little remnants of legs and scientists believe this helps prove the whole evolution theory thing. Dolphins somehow went into the ocean and developed their swimming and smiling ability.
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
What this tells me is that dolphins are just NOW getting legs and are ready to walk among us. They're smart. They'll take our jobs, steal our wives, run for office, and worst of all...move into our neighborhoods!
And you know what happens when the dolphins move into the neighborhood.
Crime goes up. Way up! Unwanted pregnancy? Up? Graffiti? Up. Drug use? Up. Property values? Down.
And of course they won't speak English. Pretty soon MY kids will start doing that EEEEEEE! EEEE! EEEE! dolphin talk and crap.
And smiling ALL. THE. TIME. I hate that.
And I'm pretty sure the dolphins will start wearing wicked baggy pants. And jewelry. And they come up with some horrible music that I can't stand.
And once the dolphins get welcomed into society how long before the sharks and eels and barracuda? Huh? Answer me that Mr. Scientist.
And you know in your heart that dolphins are lazy and will just start getting welfare and food stamps and stuff.
Keep the freakin' dolphins in the ocean where they belong!
Maybe Bush will build a big fence around our shorelines or something.
PS;
and don't forget to get out and vote: Republicans Tuesday, Democrats Wednesday.
But what if the dolphins are Republicans and like to buy funny books?
ReplyDeleteThey're NEVER Republicans when they first enter society.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm sure they'll READ funny books....but they'll just steal them.
Dolphins. Who needs 'em.
Eeeee eee? Eeee eee eeeeeeeeeeee eeeeee!
ReplyDelete(Translation: Guess what? I'm dating your daughter!)
I'm sensing a remake of Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?...
ReplyDeleteDamn funny book stealing fish!
ReplyDeleteBTW, if question 1 passes tomorrow, can you sell wine in your store? Or will we have to sneak it in in brown paper bags, same as usual?
'Cause those bags get awfully soggy...
ReplyDeleteOver the weekend I was telling customers
ReplyDelete"I might be adding a large wine section....over there, near the Archies"
Betty. Veronica. And a bottle of Merlot.
Why do you think they call him "Jughead"?
ReplyDeleteDo dolphins like Merlot? I always saw 'em as a beer-and-a-shot kinda mammal.
And Cake: Was that "Guess Who's Coming To Dinner," or "Guess Who's Coming FOR Dinner"? 'Cause in the NoOprah household, anything's possible, y'know.
-Lamont Cranston
Ooh, good point, Lamont.
ReplyDeleteNote to self:
Never accept an invitation to dine at the NoOprah household.
Man, I hear those dolphins take clothing fashion to whole new level. Forget baggy pants, those are too restrictive. Dolphins rock it commando. That's right. NO PANTS.
ReplyDeleteAnd you don't wanna know what they do with that blowhole!
They've already infiltrated our poarks! You can see em whoring themselves out to strangers for fish! Is that the kind of influence you want for your kids?!?!
NoOprah, I'm not usually with your politics, but I'm with you here. Dolphins are BAD NEWS, and all they will do is fill our restaurants with seaweed, and our streets with bouncing balls!
Dolphins can move into my neighborhood anytime! They band to gether to help others, they are friendly, they learn American or sign-language, and they are very intelligent.
ReplyDeleteWho doesn't love a photo of themselves kissing a big, captured fish in an enclosed pool?
They'll just need to learn B-Portuguese in order to communicate here, since American-English and dolphin-speak will not be understood (and since all the social services have long been depleted, they will have to fend for themselves).
Just a cautionary note, that's all.