There are a few things you need to know before reading today's blog.
1. I don't like shaking hands with people I don't know...once I know you I have no problem with it. But I have a germ thing with strangers.
2. I'm probably less racist than you are.
3. They shut down the water main yesterday to repair a problem.
4. I'm using the example of Perrier instead of Polar Springs because Perrier just sounds funnier.
Got all that?
So yesterday they shut down the water main to fix a problem. With the water main shut down you can still flush a toilet....but only once because then the tank doesn't refill. So I saved that one flush just in case of an emergency.
Got all that?
So then this wicked nice black guy comes in (we'll call him Gunther) and we start chattin' it up about toys and comics and Christmas and kids and junk. He buys a ton of stuff and we're laughing and having a grand old time when he goes to say goodbye he shakes my hand. And I shake back. But I'm freakin' out inside cuz I'm a germ freak and all I want to do is wash my hands but I don't have any water. But I'll deal with it.
So Gunther starts to leave but just before he walks out he asks if he can use the bathroom. Well guess what? I have to say no because remember the water main is shut off. But for some reason I know he's not gonna believe that and he's gonna think I aint letting him use the bathroom cuz he's black. I start to over explain the whole water main thing....I point down the street to show him what buildings are shut down and where he might find a bathroom. I feel terrible. He leaves.
So now I'm alone in the store and I remember I shook his hands and I want to wash them. But the water is shut off. So I soak a paper towel with Perrier and start to wash my hands when this horrible vision of Gunther catching me wiping off his germs freaks me out and I burst into laughter over how stupid the whole thing is.
Moral of the story?
I should have just let him use the working 'whites only' bathroom I have out back.
You are a true gentleman.
ReplyDeleteBush didn't wait for Obama to leave before hitting the handi-wipe.
So don't feel bad.
Motheragawd:
ReplyDeleteEveryone knows you can't catch germs from kissing!
(Just nod and smile...)
::nods and smiles::
Go on, then, AintNo...give us a kiss.
ReplyDelete"That's okay as long as they don't shake your hand?"
ReplyDeleteDepends on what they're shaking it with I suppose.
Don't you have to get to work on your Gingerbread Men display window?
ReplyDeleteyou could have rinsed your hands in your "nazi's only" water bubbler...
ReplyDeleteMaddog:
ReplyDeleteHe doesn't have it anymore...a scary little man with a tiny moustache came in and made him an offer on it that he couldn't refuse.
Und I love it, ja!
ReplyDeleteBro, it's simple for us OCD sufferers.
ReplyDeleteJust tap fist-to-fist, like I do on 'Deal or no Deal?'
Actually, now I wanna know how NoOprah feels about the macho half-hug-pat-on-the-back thing that some men do.
ReplyDeleteMy suspicion is that he'll say it's less germy than a handshake but more germy than making out with someone.
Anyone care to bet me?
Those wipes aint good for you...immune system and all.
ReplyDeleteAlcohol wipes are fine...but stick with red wine. Then you get the benefits of the tannins (or whatever) too.
ReplyDelete::whistles innocently::
It has, of course, been my experience that when someone says "I'm not racist." (or "I'm probably less racist than you are?") What that actually means is: "I'm racist" (and about to say/just said something that proves it.)
ReplyDeleteFor instance:
"I'm not racist."
--Michael Richards
"I'm not anti-semetic."
--Judith Regan (You were thinking someone else,
weren't you.)
Everyone is racist. It's just a matter of perspective.
ReplyDelete(It doesn't make you a bad person...)
Perhaps you should have offered to make out with Gunther in exchange for not allowing him to use your bathroom. No germs, no guilt...
ReplyDeleteJust spoke with Gunther.
ReplyDeleteYou'll hear from our lawyers.
And you've been removed from the NAACP Happy Quanza card list.