Friday, November 14, 2008

James Bond, Armenia




Well, the new James Bond movie opens today. It's called Quantum of Solace and is from a short story Ian Fleming wrote.

(Don't you hate when your solace is measured in quantums?)

But it's kinda of a stupid title for a movie and the producers have used up all of the original Bond titles. So of course it's up to us, yes us, to come up with titles for future James Bond movies. (I think we've done this before)

And now before I even begin I'm bored with the project.

So maybe I'll just complain about American Express.

Huh?

Years ago when I started my business I wanted to accept American Express in my shop and these pompous assholes wanted to charge me crazy fees to have the 'privilege' of taking their 'prestigious' cards.

And then they gave out Gold Cards and Platinum Cards and made people feel important.

But you want to know something? It was just a stupid credit card and nobody was EVER impressed. EVER!

I never accepted their stupid card in my little shop. For decades I haven't.

And every so often someone will take out their American Express card and I tell them "Sorry, we don't accept that card." (and it feels real good)

So the people just put it away and take out a Visa card.

Do you know why?

Because people with American Express cards also carry Visa Cards.

Point of the story?

American Express is near broke and is begging the USA for a bailout! HA! FUCK YOU AMERICAN EXPRESS YOU SON OF A BITCH LOSER CARD COMPANY!! DRY UP AND GO AWAY!!!

I WIN!!

It took 25 years but I won!! YOU STINKING LOSER!!!

----

BOND TITLES FOR AMERICAN EXPRESS:

Die And Let Die.

Die Today

GOLD CARD ::gives it the finger::

FROM AMERICAN EXPRESS WITH HATE

Doctor YouPompousAssholes

Visa Cards are Forever

The Man With The Gold Card (snicker)

The Spy Who Hated American Express

Quantum of SoLittleCash (because you mismanaged your company Mr. Express!)

You Were Only Late Twice (but we canceled you anyhow!)

ThunderBills

Cashino (We Screwed Up) Royale


-------

So To Further Sum Up:

American Express=Loser.

37 comments:

  1. p.s.
    This is my favourite recent post...it has ranting, it has James Bond, it has a game, and it has pictures. Perfection!

    ReplyDelete
  2. You can't jinx me! I did mine a 1/2 hour before yours!

    The Broad With The Plagarizing Gold Fingers.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Damn but he's on a roll today.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Live and Let Diners Club

    No wait, I think I screwed up the game.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anonymous12:22 PM EST

    Carte Blanc, Mister Bond!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Assclown?

    James Bond/Beatles/IANO crossover:
    Quantum of Something?

    Naw, I'm shooting blanks here.

    What if the Beatles sang about American Express (hush yo mouth, I know it's the wrong game--I'm differently abled):

    All You Need is Visa
    Can't Buy Me Love with American Express
    Happiness is A Warm Gun with which I can shoot holes in your American Express card
    Mailman, Bring Me No More American Express Offers
    Money (That's What American Express Wants)
    You've Got To Hide Your Card Away--IANO don't take it

    ReplyDelete
  7. But I wrote mine before looking at yours, Live and Let Be a Loser! (aka. IANO)

    For the WIN!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Since Bacon Ace and Sparkle are playing there own game, well I can play at that game too...or something.

    Beatles songs that could be used as Bond titles:

    Happiness is a Warm Golden Gun (ewwww, I know)
    Octopussy's Garden
    Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds are Forever
    Tomorrow Never Knows or Dies
    GoldenEye Slumbers
    Mean Mr. Blofeld
    All My Loving from Russia
    Spy Loves You
    On Her Majesty's Mystery Tour
    I Wanna Hold Your Goldfinger
    Live and Let Die

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh! I wanna play my own game too!

    James Bond Titles That Are As Good As Pie:

    Octopussy ala Mode
    LIve and Let Rhubarb
    Blueberry Royale
    Pumpkinraker
    Lucy in the Sky With Mincemeat

    Wait. I think I'm getting confused...

    ReplyDelete
  10. Anonymous2:12 PM EST

    Lois:

    I was, in fact, in all those James Bond movies.

    Really.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Anonymous2:37 PM EST

    HORRORU SO wins.

    Sorry losers.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Anonymous2:41 PM EST

    Agreed.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Bond Titles As Board Games:

    LIFE and Let Die

    Doctor UNO

    MonopolyRaker

    The CandyLand With The Golden Gum

    Hungry Hungry Hipussy

    Operation: Thunderball

    GoldenEyetionary

    (DAMN! Horror U still wins!)

    ReplyDelete
  14. James Bond Titles As Candy:

    Doctor Nougat

    From Raisinettes With Love

    ChocolateFinger

    Candy Coated Thunderballs

    You Only Lick Twice

    On Hershey's Secret Service

    Mounds Are Forever

    Lick and Let Digest

    The Van With The Golden Gum

    The Spy Who Licked and Chewed Me

    (do I get points for putting them in order by release date? Huh?)

    ReplyDelete
  15. Horroru (joeo) is #1! Horroru (joeo) is #1!

    Except: I must say that I'd like some Blueberry Royale pie...

    (GoldenEyetionary?)

    ReplyDelete
  16. Anonymous4:07 PM EST

    James Bond as Stephen King books?

    Pussyknockers

    Doctor Cujo

    Shining Diamonds Are Forever

    From Castle Rock With Love

    ReplyDelete
  17. What if...
    ...James Bond villain henchmen invaded TV?

    Dirty Oddjobs
    Monty Pussy's Flying Circus
    Nick Nack at Nite
    Three Blind Mice's Company

    Yessssssss.

    Did I mention that Horroru (joe O) is #1?

    ReplyDelete
  18. Hmm...although the Randall Flagg ones are pretty snappy.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Anonymous4:19 PM EST

    Bond does Suess?

    Oddjob Hears a Who.

    Go Blofeld, Go!

    The Pussy in the Hat

    How Spectre Stole Christmas

    ReplyDelete
  20. "(do I get points for putting them in order by release date? Huh?)"

    IANO:

    You get points for the order...and then you lose them for being vaguely obscene a few times.

    And HorrorU still wins!

    ReplyDelete
  21. The Van with the Golden Gum?????

    ReplyDelete
  22. What if Bond movie titles were in a bar?

    Doctor Nnnn...::incomprehensible slur::
    From Redwine With Love
    Ginfinger
    Thunderhighballs
    You Only Lush Twice
    On Her Whisky's Secret Service
    Drambuie is Forever
    Drink and Let Drive (a stretch...)
    The Man With The Golden
    The Spy Who Loaded Me

    ReplyDelete
  23. Bond titles as cocktails:

    Doctor Cosmo

    From Black Russian with Love

    Kahlua Live Twice

    Live and Let Daquiri

    ReplyDelete
  24. Oh gawd, I so didn't mean that first one the way it sounds...it was meant to be someone slurring their words after being drunk. HA!

    ReplyDelete
  25. What if the Bond movies were religious films?

    Doctor No (cuz the Bible says that a lot)
    From Jesus With Love
    You Only Sin Seven Times
    On Mary's Secret Service
    Crosses are Forever
    The Man with the Gold and Myrrh and Frankincense
    The Spy Who Crucified Me

    ReplyDelete
  26. ::snicker::

    Doctor Who
    From Gallifrey With Love
    Sonicfinger
    You Don't Only Regenerate Twice
    On Her Torchwood's Secret Service
    Daleks are Forever
    The Man With The Golden K9

    ReplyDelete
  27. Anonymous5:00 PM EST

    What if the Bond movies were racist?

    Doctor N-Word
    From the Deep South With Love
    Jewballs
    On Her Nazi's Secret Service
    The Man With The Golden Swastika
    The SlantyEye Who Loved Me

    ReplyDelete
  28. Bond at Christmas time?

    From Rudolph With Love

    Decktor Noel

    You Only Light The Tree Twice

    JingleBall

    On Her Majesty's Secret Santa

    Casinoel Royale

    Never Say Eggnog Again

    MoonWrapper

    ReplyDelete
  29. Crap, I was just doing Christmas...

    ReplyDelete
  30. Bond as travel films?

    Doctor Nome, Alaska
    From Russia With Love (no edit required)
    Niagarafalls
    You Only London Twice
    Denmark is Forever
    The City Who Loved Me

    ReplyDelete
  31. Anonymous5:18 PM EST

    Fwom Wascally Wabbit With Wuv
    ThunderBugs
    On Wile E. Coyote's Secret Service
    Daffy Duck Forever
    The Toon Who Loved Me

    ReplyDelete
  32. Anonymous5:21 PM EST

    From Sarah With Love
    Joefinger
    Thunderbidens
    Democrats are Forever
    The Man With The Golden GOP
    The Spy Who Loved McCain

    ReplyDelete
  33. What if they made Bond films about all of us blogging losers?

    Doctor NoOprah

    ThunderSaul

    Lois and Let Live

    The Sparkle Who Loved Me

    CakeFinger

    The Man With The Golden Comb

    Cynics Are Forever

    Never Say Redbeard Again

    Clinky Royale

    Fry Another Day (Bacon Ace)

    For Jayne's Eyes Only

    Quantum of Lamont

    Doctor NoOprah

    From Texas With Love

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  34. More Blogger Losers (with some repeats):

    CakeCanada Royale
    The Living DavidzRantz
    Horroru Only Live Twice
    Thundermulderjoe
    Quantum of Lois
    Octosparkleplenty
    For Your Eyes Hoagy
    A View to a Kathy

    ReplyDelete
  35. Anonymous11:41 PM EST

    Dearest IANO:

    Did you miss me?

    Love,
    Hill

    ReplyDelete