The Ballad of Hurricane Sandy

So Hurricane Sandy hit yesterday.

You probably read about it.

Massive power outages, death and destruction.

Floods.

It lived up to expectations.

We lost power at 4:20 in the afternoon.

iPhones...checking emails. Texting and Facebook.

Cell phones slowly lost power.

No TV.

It got boring really fast once it got dark out.

10% battery charge left.

Save that for an emergency more dire than a hurricane.

At least it was warm.

Everything by candlelight.

We suffered thru the night.

Screw it...let's just go to sleep early.

Maybe the power will be on when we wake up?

It wasn't.

Wifey was still sleeping.

I decided I'd be a good guy and get some coffee and croissants.

So I drove around surrounding towns until I found some.

Trees and branches littered the roads.

Winds still gusting.

Rain pouring.

Finally got home.

Wifey was still sleeping.

I drank my coffee. Ate my croissant.

Wifey got up.

I told her I had coffee.

I could tell she thought it was nice that I went out in the storm to get it.

It was still dark in the house save for one flickering candle.

I noticed a bit of "coffee" that I spilled on the counter.

So I went to wipe it up.

Turns out it was crumbs from the flakey pastry thingy.

Here is the conversation that followed:

WIFEY: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!???  You're getting crumbs EVERYWHERE!!"

----

And that my friends is the carnage that we call.... Hurricane Sandy.

The Bride and Frankenstorm

So Wifey and I were discussing the BIG STORM that's coming.

I suggested a few things in case we lose power.

Here is part of the conversation:

WIFEY: "We won't lose power."


--------

You see....Wifey has a special power. She knows what trees will fall and where they will fall.

They ain't falling near us or our power grid.

Election Game Changer

So a couple of minutes ago I was reading the news online.

The headline on an article proclaimed:

VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN SPEAKS AT A CAMPAIGN STOP IN WISCONSIN.

Really?

A week and a half before the election the Vice President speaks at a campaign stop??

I wonder how many months of digging did the reporter do to find out this news?

Did his family wonder what he was doing making so many calls at all hours of the night?

I hope most of America reads his story.

It's a game changer.

Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny Hoops Johnny...

So I'm in the Bank of America today and the teller suggests that I get the new Bank of America credit card.

He gestures to the sign behind me (That I took a picture of...as you can see)

I read it.

Earn cash back with no hoops.

Take a look on the bottom left of the picture.

What do you see?

I'll tell you what you see!!

You see HOOPS!!! line after line after line of HOOPS!!

I scolded the teller.

He denied the HOOPS!!

Even though the HOOPS were written in that tiny tiny tiny HOOPS size that we can barely read.

Ann Coulter calls Obama a retard

Doesn't she know that we don't use that word anymore?

She should have used the more politically correct 'mentally challenged'

Blueberry Pancakes

Two gals came in the shop together. (One of them had short hair)

I spoke with one of them.

Here is the conversation.

GAL: "Do you have anything by Alison Bechdel?

ME: "I have 'Are You My Mother' and 'Fun Home'...she also did Dykes To Watch Out For but I'm out of stock on those."

GAL: "I was looking for Dykes."

Keep your paws off of my right shoulder!

So last night the Detroit Tigers beat the New York Yankees and won the America League pennant!

This morning I was reading about the game.

 I was also reading about AFTER the game.

I came across this:

'General manager Dave Dombrowski hugged Jim Leyland - who is in the final year of his contract - while owner Mike Ilitch rubbed the 67-year-old manager's right shoulder.'

-----

I guess I understand the hugging of the manager by the general manager.

I'm not quite sure of the rubbing of the RIGHT shoulder of the manager.

By the owner.

And why the right shoulder?  Is it some kinda gay code?

Purple Paint Guy

Purple Paint Guy: "Do you have any purple paint?"

Me: "Yup, it's right over here."

Purple Paint Guy: "I need some light colored purple that is darker."

Me: "Darker than what?"

Purple Paint Guy: "Light purple."

Me: "You want a medium colored purple paint?"

Purple Paint Guy: "Darker than medium."

Me: "Here..try this dark purple."

Purple Paint Guy: "No, that's too dark."

Me: Then try the light purple."

Purple Paint Guy: "Too light."

Me: "Do you like porridge?"

Purple Paint Guy: "What?"

Me: "Nevermind."

This is all you really need to know about my family.

So last night I started spraying silly string at my wife and kids.

Oldest daughter laughed.

Youngest daughter looked serious and then went upstairs.

Wifey told me to knock it off and then commented on what the silly string smelled like.

RIP

Corky the Weatherman

So the other day I'm listening to a long range weather forecast.

El Nino this.

High pressure that.

Warm water.

Last years mild winter.

Weather-Tard said that this coming winter was going to be rough.

El Nino High Pressure Warm Water Lows Highs

He said that the heaviest snow falls would come in...

Wait for it...

The heaviest snowfalls would come in January and February!!

You know...LIKE EVERY OTHER FUCKING WINTER, YOU STUPID RETARD!!!

Next Project: Google Image Search Asshat

So one of my 'special' people came in today.

Here is the conversation:

NUT: "Are you mad at me?"

ME: "Why would I be mad at you?"

NUT: "I don't know...you seem angry with me."

ME: Why do you think that?"

NUT: I have Asperger's and I can't always tell when I'm annoying someone."

ME: "When you start annoying me I'll just smack you, okay?"

NUT: "I'd rather you just tell me."

ME: "Okay."