Dr. Qwerty

So recently I got a new cell phone and it's one of the ones that has the QWERTY keyboard.

So I texted Hoag:

Q W E R T Y

Hoag texted me back part of the second row of keys:

A S D F-U

He's clever like that.

Please Please Please....don't tell me! I haven't seen it. You'll ruin it for me!

Phil Spector gets 19 years to Life.

He should also get an extra year just for giving 'the finger' in such a lame way.

One Angry Man

So a couple weeks ago I get a notice for Jury Duty (GUILTY!) but it's not on a good day for me. They allow you to postpone it for up to a year.

So I requested a day about a year from now that would work for me.

Yesterday I get the new date and of course it's not the one I wanted, and it's certainly not a date that I can find him guilty.

On the little card they sent me it states the following (read it well)

---------------

:::'Your juror service has been changed to the date, time, and place below. Under the law, you may not change it again. You may use the attached postcard or contact our offfice by phone to request an alternate date if this date is not convenient.':::
-----------------

Are these people retarded? Stupid? Democrats?

Under the law I CAN'T CHANGE THE DATE!!! But if I want to... contact their office!!!

GUILTY! (Attica!)

Movie Reviews from everyone's favorite critic...Cousin Saul!

My guess is he'll love something we'd all hate and hate something we'd all love.

Or something.

No Post Radio

VERN: "Why no new post?"

BUCK: "Don't know."

Dead Man Walking (or standing) Part 3

So the other day Wifey cleans out her closet. Anything she hadn't worn in a year or two she got rid of.

Here is our conversation about that event:

WIFEY: "Well, I cleaned out the closet."

ME: "Great."

WIFEY: "I got rid of everything I haven't worn in a year or two... or stuff that no longer fits me."

ME: "Great."

WIFEY: "Lots of the stuff was way too big for me."

ME: "When were you bigger than you are now?"

Happy Memorial Day!

(The following has possibly been edited from the original wire story)


(AP)WASHINGTON - President Barack Obama praised the men and women of America's fighting forces Memorial Day as the "best of America."

The president spoke after participating in a solemn Memorial Day tradition, laying a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Comic at Arlington National Cemetery. It is the burial ground for American Comics dating back to the Revolutionary War.

Why he put a wreath on a still living comedian is anybody's guess.

DRAG ME TO HELL. Or something.

Drag Me To Hell.

It comes out next week at a theatre near you.

It might possibly be the best name ever for a horror film (I'm assuming it's a horror film)

Drag Me To Hell.

Now we all know that hell is probably a pretty crappy place, correct?

CORRECT?

None of us wants to go to hell, correct?

CORRECT?

But Jeez-Dom Deluise...do you have to DRAG us to hell?

I mean really...we're going to hell. Is it really necessary to drag us? Can't you carry us? Drive us? Fly us?

(Do people get Dragged To Heaven?)

The Cellphone Ringeth

So last night around 10:00 my cell starts vibrating and it's a text message coming in.

I can't find my glasses so I have Wifey read me the meassge (It's from Hoagy)

ME: "What's it say?"

WIFEY: "Turd Ferguson."

No bluefish

WAITRESS: "Just one thing to point out....we're all out of the bluefish."

ME AND HOAG INSTANTLY STAND UP AND SAY IN UNISON: "Then we are outta here!"

President Obama stops in for a bite to eat.

And spends a little too much.

Google Image Search: Ugly man, handsome man.

These two were the number 1 hits on google.

I agree with Ugly Man.

Handsome Man? I think not.

Jacoby Ellsbury ties Major League Record!

Last night Jacoby Ellsbury of The Boston Red Sox tied a Major league record for putouts (12) by an outfielder in a 9 inning game . (A lot of other exciting stuff happened in this game also)

The other two guys that have the record...one was way back in the 1920s, the other in 1977.

So it's kinda cool.

Last night me and wifey are watching the game and Jacoby ties the record on the very last out to end the game.

Here is the conversation that followed:

ME: "WOW! That's pretty cool!"

WIFEY:

ME: "Out of 27 outs Jacoby made 12 of them!"

WIFEY:

ME: "In all of the hundreds of thousands of Major League games that have been played only two other guys have EVER done what he just did!"

WIFEY:

ME: "It's rare for that many balls to be hit to centerfield in the course of one game! WOW! Good for him! Look at him smiling!"

WIFEY:

ME: "You don't even care, do you"

WIFEY: "No."

-------------

Earlier in the game:

ME: "Oh my god! I can't believe Varitek hit two homeruns in this game!"

WIFEY: "Don't be making fun of Jason."

Close Gitmo!

Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!

That's all we heard when Bush was in office.


Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!

So it goes to a vote in the Senate and they instantly vote it down.

These were the same fools yelling:

Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!

Until they figured out that the scum inside Gitmo might just be one of their neighbors upon release.

Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!

You know what I say?

Attica! Attica! Attica!

Please pass my Daddy the ketchup. Or something.

I wish I made up the following:


>>>>>>A Bakersfield father is accused of biting out one of the eyes of his small child and similarly mutilating the other eye, leaving the child blind.

After attacking the child, 34-year-old Angel Vidal Mendoza Sr. quickly left his apartment in a wheelchair, entered a backyard of a nearby vacant home and attacked his own legs with an ax, severely injuring himself, Bakersfield police reported.

The child, 4-year-old Angelo Mendoza Jr., later told police, "My daddy ate my eyes."


http://www.bakersfield.com/news/local/x339729128/Bakersfield-dad-accused-of-biting-out-sons-eye >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

The Bowl Queen

So last night Wifey has some fruit and it's in a bowl.

When she finishes I see the empty bowl, pick it up, and put it in the dishwasher.

An hour or so later she has something else. In a bowl.

When she finishes I see it sitting there, pick it up, and put it in the dishwasher.

And I notice there are a bunch of bowls in said dishwasher.

So we have a conversation (it's what we do)

ME: "You're a Bowl Queen."

WIFEY: "I'm not a Bowl Queen."

ME: "Yes you are! You my friend, are The Bowl Queen!"

WIFEY: "I'm not a Bowl Queen."

ME: "Are."

WIFEY: "You are an Ass Queen."

ME: "I'm not an Ass Queen."

WIFEY: "You are."

ME: "Why would you say that?"

WIFEY: "Because you're an ass."

ME: "I'm not an ass."

WIFEY: "Are."

ME: "You're a Bowl Queen."

WIFEY: "Why are you so mean?"

ME: "I'm not mean...you just use a lot of bowls."

WIFEY: "You're an ass.

ME: "Bowl Queen."

Hoagy's going rattlesnake hunting.

GM and Chrysler to shed thousands of dealers

So with less places to buy cars they will sell more cars?

Idiots.

Looks like fun to me.

So the big story this week is if the USA should release the pictures of terrorists being 'tortured'.

I don't much care either way.

But this photo got released anyhow.

Look at it.

Is that really torture?

Torture??



And the next picture is of what they call 'waterboarding'.

Is that torture? Getting water poured on your covered face is torture?

If I could pour water on a guy to prevent a 9/11 I'd pour water on a guy.

(hopefully they washed his shorts before pouring said water on him...it would be torture if the colored dye ran on his leg...believe you me, I know)



SO TO SUM UP:
Sack up, Nancies...it ain't torture.