Monday, June 29, 2009

True Blood. Last Night. Plot Point Revealed.

So last night me and Wifey are watching one of our favorite shows.

Said show includes:

Vampires.

Vampires that recycle.

Vampires that shop at the mall.

Shape-Shifters.

Shape-Shifter's that own restaurants.

Vampires that get their hair tinted.

A Goddess of Love or gluttony or something.

Human on Vampire sex.

Vampire on human sex.

Homesexual vampires that just want to watch TV.

Drug use, voodoo priestess.

Nudity galore.

Drunken cops. Torture chambers.

Mass marketed 'tru-blood' for those vampires that don't want to kill.

...and on and on and on.

All of a sudden in last night's episode what appears to be a savage minotaur shows up and slashes one of the gals to shreads.

Here is what Wifey said:

"Now that's stupid!"


Saturday, June 27, 2009

Fingers

WIFEY: "Look at your fingers!"

ME: "What about my fingers?"

WIFEY: "They look like blood sausages."

ME: "They don't look like blood sausages."

WIFEY: "They do."

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Claims Michael Jackson Never Really Died.

Summing up Farrah Fawcett in Fourteen Words.



The poster, one season of a show, nice hair, anal cancer, and then death.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Eulogy for a Pedophile



Helping me tuck in my shirt tails...gentle. Caring.

Sleepovers. Helping with my jammies. OOPS!

TICKLE FIGHT!

"Let's wrestle!"

What boy wouldn't want to?

"Truck truck to Boston, truck truck to Lynn...better be careful or ya might fall IN!"

"Swordfights" in the shower.

Playing see how it grows...see how it grows...see how it grows.

"$100 bill...don't tell Mummy!"

Special friends keep special secrets.

Shhhhh...

Pillow fight, tickle fight, catch me if you can...

Thursday, June 25, 2009

ZZ Top just named the new King of Pop



http://www.tmz.com/

The End of an Era



So about 12 years ago a few families in the neighborhood went camping.

And the next year they asked another family.

Then another.

Pretty soon there were eight or so families going every year.

Thirty or so of us. Forty plus if the kids brought their friends.

We had canoes and motor boats and tents and massive amounts of camping gear.

Fishing (I never caught anything even though I wore my lucky fishing shirt) and hiking.

Swimming and drinking and playing games.

Cribbage, rummy, chess.

S'mores. Burgers and dogs. Every conceivable food and snack and drink.

Thirty people sitting around a campfire singing songs while my youngest played her guitar.

Huge rain storms. Cars breaking down.

That noise of stuff falling on your tent all night.


Pancakes on the Coleman grill (I'll miss you!)

Just sitting around doing nothing. No computers. No TV (would have been better with TV)

That book.

The SLAMMING DOOR in the middle of the night when someone used the bathroom up the hill.

Stumbling through the woods at three in the morning finding a vomiting kid.

Bears! (there were no bears. But there could have been)

Kids sneaking beers. Dad getting angry.

Adults only cruises around the lake.

Kids only I DONT WANT TO KNOW!!

The packing up to go home.

The goodbyes even though we'd all see each other in the neighborhood in a hour or so.

Maybe McDonalds on the way home.

Well, sometime last night around 10:20 it ended. It became official.

The Camping Trip is no more.

The kids are grown up. This one can't go.

That neighbor had to cancel.

Someone has to work.

The Camping Trip is no more.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

TinselTown Shocker!


http://marquee.blogs.cnn.com/2009/06/24/oscars-expanding-to-10-best-pic-nominees/

So now it appears that there will be TEN best picture mominees.

What does that mean to me?

Well, it means that there will now be TEN best picture nominees I haven't seen instead of the traditional five that I haven't seen.

I'm excited.

New Jersey now officially the dumbest state.



Yesterday there was a story in the news (I don't feel like finding the link...do it yourself)

The story was that the great 'garden state' of New Jersey wants to ban the use of GPS devices while driving.

Think about that.

Are you still thinking about that?

Think some more.

They want to ban GPS devices while driving.

New Jersey also wants to ban boiling water when making pasta. (unless I just made that bit up)

I was gonna make up a list of other things the great 'garden state' wants to ban, but I thought it would be easier if you did my job for me.

Winner gets nothing.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Sunday, June 21, 2009

QUEER! NIGGER! FAGGOT! COON!



Uh-oh...it's gonna be shocking!

Not really.

I've been giving Barack Obama some thought.

He's done more in 5 months than any President I remember.

Hold it right there, Sisters...I didn't say he's done more 'good' in 5 months than any President that I remember...I said he's done more. He never stops.

He does have a certain energy not seen in a while.

But he doesn't think things through.

(Stay with me on this)

Really.

Obama is probably the most liberal leader this country has ever had. We knew that when we elected him. I mean...when YOU elected him.

No surprises.

Or is there?

There isn't.

Just disgust.

Here is the most liberal President EVER and he's against gay marriage.

And he told us this BEFORE the election.

>>>Barack Obama: 'marriage is between a man and a woman'<<<

(but he tries to play both sides by giving some token benefits to 'civic unions')

YOU voted for him and he told you BEFORE the election that he would not support gay marriage.

Most dictionaries have 'marriage is between a man and a woman' as the definition. Or at least the first definition.

(Stay with me)

Well, if marriage is between a man and a woman then I guess two men can't marry each other...correct?

WRONG!

How can that be wrong if the definition says 'between a man and a woman'??

BECAUSE DEFINITIONS 'CHANGE' (we 'hope')

Gay used to mean happy.

Then gay meant homosexual.

Now gay means stupid or foolish (and sometimes homosexual)

And nigger used to mean black man can't use my water fountain or my bathroom or sit in my restaurant or or or...

So where are we?

We have a part African American President that wants to put down happy stupid homosexuals and treat them unfairly and not let them get married...because the dictionary says it's between a man and woman.

And that is against their CIVIL RIGHTS!

Make any excuse for him that you want.

"He's waiting for the right time"

"He wanted to get elected"

"It's a sin"

"It will be a financial strain on business"

"And blah blah blah."

Well, guess what?

Marriage is no longer 'between a man and a woman'

Marriage is between any two people that want to be married. For love...for tax reasons...for any reason that a man and woman can get married. because the DEFINITION of marriage has changed.


You should be ashamed of yourself, Mr. Obama. You're worse than the racists of the 1950s and 1960s.

You should know better.

So Mister Obama...go follow the arrow in the picture up above and have a seat.

We'll wait in the other room with the white folks until you get your mind right.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Gone fishin'...



...will return on Sunday Night June 21, 2009 fresh with new Wifey stories! Hoag antics! Buddy Nite Hijinx! Hitler! Obama Bashing! Word Play!

Or something!

Monday, June 15, 2009

Duke Pastrami


He was one of the henchmen in a Gary Cooper movie I watched yesterday.

If there is a better henchmen name than Duke Pastrami...I've never heard it.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

CNN polls

CNN.com has a daily poll.

I think they've run out of things to poll.

Yesterday (I'm not making this up) the poll was:

Would you live in a home made from shipping containers?


Today's poll:

Would you skydive with a President?

SO TO SUM UP:
Last week some comics fell off my racks

Friday, June 12, 2009

Happy Riverfest!




Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.



So last night me and The Hoag decided to have a couple of cigars.

Monte Cristos.

ME: "Hey...this is pretty good."

HOAG: "Yeah."

ME: "A nice slow burn."

HOAG: "Smooth."

------

About 45 minutes later:

ME: "These burn nice and slow"

HOAG: "It's not lit."

SO TO SUM UP:
Earlier in the week comics fell off my racks.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Chastity Bono



There is a story out today about Chastity Bono having a sex change operation.

It raises the question....what sex is Chastity gonna change into?

And of course...how will it impact the upcoming U2 tour?

The Week's News In The Handy Picture Format.