Literal Beatles

Sgt. Hoagy's Sartorial Hearts Club Band. (Or snippets from BuddyNite))(or something)

WAITRESS: "You're always dressed so sharp...always looking good."

HOAGY: "Thank you."

ME: "HEY!! What about me??"

WAITRESS ::up and downs me...looks at faded jeans, tattered lucky fishing shirt::

------------------

HOAGY: "Is the Blonde joining us tonight?"

ME: "Nope."

HOAGY: "How come?"

ME: "She hates you."

----------------

TEXT MESSAGE FROM WIFEY COMES IN:

ME: "Well, Wifey ain't joining us either."

HOAGY: "How come?"

ME: "She hates you."

-------------

GUY COMES TO TABLE: "Do you have a weed connection?"

ME: "Of course I have a weed connection."

GUY: "Call me."

ME: "Yeah...I'll do that."
-------------

WEED GUYS GAL: "I'm taking some of your fries."

---------------

NOT SO BRIGHT WAITRESS UPON SPOTTING OUR TED KENNEDY 'MEMORIAL' WE SET UP AT TABLE: "Ted died?"

US: "Yup...a few days ago."

-------------------

HOAGY: "See that guy over there? Everywhere I go he's there. If I see him again I'm gonna kill him."

ME: "Maybe he just wants to eat."

HOAGY: "Oh."

-------------

HOSTESS AS WE LEAVE: "Are you boys going out puffin'?

ME: "He might be...I'm gonna have a cigar."

-------------

SO TO SUM UP:

Blondie can pick the place next week if she wants.

God hates fangs but LOVES the pan seared North Atlantic Haddock.

It's a cut.

ME: "See the cut on my arm?"

WIFEY: "That's not a cut."

ME: "What do you mean it's not a cut? It's a cut. A big cut."

WIFEY: "It's not a cut."

ME: "Cut."

WIFEY: "It's a scratch."

ME: "A scratch?? It ain't a scratch...it's a cut!"

WIFEY: "Scratch."

ME: "It's a cut! Look at it."

WIFEY: "How did you get your scratch?"

ME: "I walked into a rack at the store and scraped it."

WIFEY: "Scratched it."

ME: "It's a cut."

R.I.P. TED, R.I.P.

Mary Jo- Ted reunion fails to take place!

Catholics and Democrats SHOCKED!

Oh my god...even MORE from Crazy Jason!

CRAZY JASON: "You know the movie Marathon Man?"

ME: "Yup."

CRAZY JASON: "And today is the Boston Marathon?"

ME: "Yup."

CRAZY JASON: "Well, I'm the Marathon Man cuz I can go ALL. DAY. LONG."

ME: "Yup."

------------------




------------------

CRAZY JASON: "Who is faster...The Road Runner or Flash and Quicksilver?"

ME: "Let me ask my customers."

CRAZY JASON: "Okay."

ME: "HEY!!! WHO IS FASTER....THE ROAD RUNNER OR THE FLASH?"

MY CUSTOMERS: "THE ROAD RUNNER!"

ME: "The Road Runner."

CRAZY JASON: "Thank you."

------------------

CRAZY JASON: ".....and that's why Superheroes don't eat in the comics."

ME: "Why don't you come down here anymore?"

CRAZY JASON: "Well...last time I was there I had a car accident and the air bags popped out and made a noise like a sonic boom."

ME: "And....?"

CRAZY JASON: "I thought it was just your way of letting me know I wasn't welcome there anymore."

ME: "You're ALWAYS welcome here!"

ME: "During regular store hours, of course."

CRAZY JASON: "Of course."

ME: "Thnak you."

------------------

CRAZY JASON: "I lost a bet once."

ME: "For how much?"

CRAZY JASON: "Under a dollar."

ME: "What was the bet?"

CRAZY JASON: "I bet that Dr. J was at my house, but I lost on a technicality."

ME: "Technicality?"

CRAZY JASON: "Yup...it was actually Julius Erving. That's his real name."

ME: "That sucks, huh?"

------------------

CRAZY JASON: "Do you know intelligent cowboy movies?

ME: "Huh?"

CRAZY JASON: "Like Unforgiven."

ME: "Yes...?"

CRAZY JASON: "Do you think the horses are just metaphors for something?"

ME: "Such as?"

CRAZY JASON: "Maybe beasts of burden...you know, like The Rolling Stones song."

ME: "Oh...you're right. I never thought of that. Thank you."

------------------

{Crazy Jason has been told he can only call on Thursday}

CRAZY JASON: "I know I'm supposed to call on Thursday but I'm calling you Today.

ME: "Okay."

CRAZY JASON: "Hello Today!"

ME: "That's funny!"

CRAZY JASON: "Thank you, Today!"

------------------

CRAZY JASON: "Do you know The Song of Red Sonja?"

ME: "Yes."

CRAZY JASON: "Do you know The Food of Red Sonja?"

ME: "No...what is it?"

CRAZY JASON: "Lasagna."

ME: "Red Sonja likes lasagna?"

CRAZY JASON: "Yes."

------------------

CRAZY JASON: "You know that Green Lantern in your window..."

ME: "Yes."

CRAZY JASON: "Well...he's a DC icon."

ME: "Yup."

CRAZY JASON: "Well I saw a DC girl masturbating in a coffee shop and they're not allowed to do that."

ME: "What coffee shop?"

------------------

CRAZY JASON: "Do you know Jabba the Hutt?"

ME: "Yup."

CRAZY JASON: "Well, I know where his hut is."

ME: "Cool...where?"

CRAZY JASON: "Newton Corner...near the hospital."

------------------

CRAZY JASON: "Remember when you told me you never met an alien?"

ME: "Yup."

CRAZY JASON: "Well I met one once."

ME: "Cool."

CRAZY JASON: "His name is Al. His real name is Alien."

ME: "Thank you."

------------------

CRAZY JASON: "Do you know the band KISS?"

ME: "I know of them, yes."

CRAZY JASON: "Well...they're not a Satanist band...they're Christian."

ME: "How do you figure?"

CRAZY JASON: "Christmas....KISSmas....see.?

ME: "Thank you."

------------------

I thought for sure I had him beat at his own game.

I didn't.

Here is that conversation:

ME: "Did you know Nick Fury was chinese?"

CRAZY JASON: "How do you figure?"

ME: "Isn't he the Asian of S.H.I.E.L.D.?"

CRAZY JASON: "No...but Beast Wars are democrats...there is no R in beast."

------------------

CRAZY JASON: "Do you know the Avengers?"

ME: "Yes."

CRAZY JASON: "If they played 'Simon Says'...Wonderman would be Simon."

ME: "Cool."

------------------

CRAZY JASON: "You know how Ragnarok is the final conflict?"

ME: "Okay..."

CRAZY JASON: "If I licked my dick would that be the final dong flicked?"

ME: :::laughter:: "Thank you."

------------------

CRAZY JASON: "Remember how I said I was shaken but not stirred?"

ME: "Yup."

CRAZY JASON: "I'm actually stirred."

------------------

CRAZY JASON: "I just got my phone bill and it lists all my phone calls."

ME: "Neat."

CRAZY JASON: "The only people I owe money are: A T &T, Verizon, and Whitey Bulger."

ME: "Neat. Thank you."

------------------

CRAZY JASON: "Do you know that game Dungeons and Dragons?"

ME: "Yup."

CRAZY JASON: "If it was my game I'd change it to Heroines and Herpes, because that's what it really is."

ME: "Thank you."

------------------

CRAZY JASON: "Do you have Off Track Betting there?"

ME: "No."

------------------

CRAZY JASON: "I didn't rob you."

ME: "Great...thanks!"



(Nobody robbed me)

------------------

CRAZY JASON: "Do you know why Conan and Rambo have never fought?"

ME: "Because they lived in different times?"

CRAZY: "Nope....it's because they're the same person and you can't fight yourself."

ME: "Thank you."

------------------

CRAZY JASON: "Blah blah blah blah blah"

ME: "Okay great! Well, I'll need the phone the rest of the day so no more calls."

CRAZY JASON: "Okay."

20 minutes later:

CRAZY JASON: "Did you mean you need the phone or that you knead the phone?"

------------------

CRAZY JASON: "Remember the movie Home Alone?"

ME: "Yup."

CRAZY JASON: "Well, shop owners like you shouldn't tell people you work alone or they'll come in and rob you."

ME: "I have ten guys working here today."

CRAZY JASON: "Okay."

Even MORE from Crazy Jason

June 18

CRAZY JASON: "You know that comic I just bought?"
ME: "Which one?"
CRAZY JASON: "Wolverine: Ain't No Dog."
ME: Yeah...what about it?"
CRAZY JASON: "Well, technically that's true. Wolverine ain't no dog, he is a cat."



June 21

-Looking at The Monkees 45rpm record in my showcase:
CRAZY JASON: "That's against the law!"
ME: "Why?"
CRAZY JASON: "Unless a real monkey is singing on it then it's copyright infrinngement!"
ME: "Thank you."



June 24

::Showing me the cover of the old Greatest Joker Stories Ever Told that has the Joker holding a smiling fish.::

CRAZY JASON: "When you go to the supermarket you have to pay for fish, right?"
ME: "Correct."
CRAZY JASON: "Then DC had to pay this fish to model for this cover, right?"
ME: "Correct."



June 30

CRAZY JASON: "I'm your best customer, but it's not your fault."
ME: "Thank you."



July 1

CRAZY JASON: "The Hulk is spelled different than Lucky."
ME: "Thank you!"
----------------


CRAZY JASON: ::holding up a copy of Green Arrow/ Black Canary:::
"DC is using Plastic Man when normally they use Elongated Man....they serve the same function."
ME: "Thank you!"



July 2



CRAZY JASON: "You know the AM in The Amazing Spider-Man sounds like H"
ME: "Huh?"
CRAZY JASON: "So it sounds like The Hazing Spider-Man because the villians are always hazing him."
ME: "Great! Thank you.!"



Later on July 2

CRAZY JASON: "Remember when Spider-man had his Spider-Mobile?"
ME: "Yup."
CRAZY JASON: "Remember when he drove it into the Hudson River?"
ME: "Yes...what about it?"
CRAZY JASON: "Well, it was a prophecy because I flooded my car today."
ME: "Thank you!"



Still later on July 2

He just called again:

CRAZY JASON: "Do you know the Sub-Mariner?"
ME: "Yup."
CRAZY JASON: "Did you know he hates swimming pools?"
ME: "I didn't know that. Why does he hate pools?
CRAZY JASON: "The chlorine hurts his gills."
ME: "Thank you."



July 3

CRAZY JASON: "You know at the end of a Warner Brothers cartoon when they say 'That's All Folks'?
ME: "Yes..."
CRAZY JASON: "They're really saying 'That's Asshole, Folks!' ..."
ME: "Thank you."



July 4

CRAZY JASON: "Remember last week when I told you I flushed an ant down the toilet?"
ME: 'Yup.
CRAZY JASON: "Well, I just sent him a life-raft.....a doo-doo life-raft."
ME: "Thank you...have a great 4th of July!"



Again on July 4

CRAZY JASON: "Do you know the Micronauts?"
ME: "I've heard of them, yes."
CRAZY JASON: "Do they tie small knots?"
ME: "I'm not sure...thank you!"



Another July 4

CRAZY JASON: "You know those bricks on the Spider-Man Treasury Edition?"
ME: "What about them?"
CRAZY JASON: "Why aren't they white bricks?"
ME: "I don't know."
CRAZY JASON: "If they were white bricks they would have been made by white people."
ME: "Who makes the red bricks?"
CRAZY JASON: "Native Americans.....or Communists."
ME: "Thank you.



July 5

CRAZY JASON: "I was looking through my Marvel Comics and noticed that there is very little tenant/landlord relationships.

ME: "Really?"
CRAZY JASON: "Yes...though most of the Marvel Universe rents.
ME: "Thank you!."



July 6

So Crazy Jason calls today numerous times and I tell him that I have a huge project today and need the phone lines to get it done and no more calls today.

CRAZY JASON: "Then I'll write a letter!"
ME: "Okay. Thanks!"

Two minutes later phone rings:
CRAZY JASON: "I Wrote the letter B"
ME: "Jason...I told you not to call anymore today."
CRAZY JASON: "I wrote the letter B..."
ME: "Jason...."
CRAZY JASON: "I wrote the letter B I wrote the letter B I wrote the letter B I wrote the letter B I wrote the letter B I wrote the letter B I wrote the letter B...."

ME: "Okay...I gotta go. No more calls."
----------------------------



July 7

CRAZY JASON: "You know the Vision."
ME: "Yup."
CRAZY JASON: "Have you noticed the diamond shaped thing in the CENTER of his head?"
ME: "Yup.
CRAZY JASON: "Does Marvel owe money to Pearl Vison CENTERS for using their trademark?"
ME: "Good question. Thanks!"



July 10

CRAZY JASON: "Today is new arrivals day, right?"
ME: "Yup."
CRAZY JASON: "Is this a maternity ward?"



July 10 again





July 11

CRAZY JASON: "You know how the Thing and the Hulk rarely wear shoes?"
ME: "Yup."
CRAZY JASON: "Well...if they get hurt they have to call the Toe-Truck."
ME: "That's funny."
CRAZY JASON: "Not for me it isn't. My car doesn't work. I have to call the Tow-truck"
ME: "Thank you!"



July 13

CRAZY JASON: "You know Superman's car?"
ME: "Yup, what about it?"
CRAZY JASON: "It's an S car, right?"
ME: "Yup...I guess so."
CRAZY JASON: "Does that escargot?"
ME: "Huh?"
CRAZY JASON: "Does. That. S. Car. Go?"
ME: "Funny."
CRAZY JASON: "I need a new car."
ME: "Thank you!"



July 15

CRAZY JASON: "Superheroes are into free love."
ME: "I did not know that."
CRAZY JASON: "Yup...I was looking at that poster book I bought from you and noticed all the super-heroes run around in their underwear."

ME: "So where does the Free Love come from?"
CRAZY JASON: "Age of Aquarius, Man,.... Age of Aquarius....Free love."
ME: "Thank you."



July 19

CRAZY JASON: "Do you know Santa's pet?"
ME: "Santa has a pet?"
CRAZY JASON: "Yes...Rudolph."
ME: "Oh...I didn't know that was his pet."
CRAZY JASON: "Well it is."
ME: "Oh."
CRAZY JASON: "Is Santa's pet related to Rudy Guilianni?"
ME: "I don't know. Thank you!"



July 22

CRAZY JASON: "Do you know Swamp Thing?"
ME: "Yes."
CRAZY JASON: "You agree that most of his readers are probably urban, yes?"
ME: "Okay...?"
CRAZY JASON: "And most of Man-Thing's readers are probably rural..."
ME: "Okay...?"
CRAZY JASON: "And I'm not just saying that becuase Swamp Thing is an AIDS reference."
ME: "Thank you!"



July 27

CRAZY JASON: "Do you have A phone or THE phone?"
ME: "A phone."
CRAZY JASON: "Okay, thank you."
ME: "Okay, thank YOU!"



August 3

CRAZY JASON: "Do you know M C Escher?
ME: "I know of him, why?"
CRAZY JASON: "Do you know that picture he did of the puddle with the tire tracks through it?"
ME: "No....but what about it?"
CRAZY JASON: "That EXACT puddle is right in front of my house."
ME: "Cool. Thank you."



August 4

CRAZY JASON: "Do you know Galactus?"
ME: "Yup."
CRAZY JASON: "He's a chick."
ME: "How do you figure?"
CRAZY JASON: "He's based on Nancy Sinatra."
ME: "How do you know that?"
CRAZY JASON: "It's just a fact."



Again on August 4

CRAZY JASON: "Are you a people store?"
ME: "People like to shop here...yes."
CRAZY JASON: "Do you sell people there?"
ME: "Nope."
CRAZY JASON: "If you did I'd buy some people."
ME: "Why?"
CRAZY JASON: "I need me some slaves."
ME: Okay...Thanks!"



August 6

CRAZY JASON: "Do you know Columbia Records?"
ME: "Yes."
CRAZY JASON: "I'm gonna inherit them pretty soon."
ME: "Cool."
CRAZY JASON: "But I'm not gonna put any records out."
ME: "Why not?"
CRAZY JASON: "I'm gonna let Time-Warner do that."
ME: "Cool...thanks!."

More from Crazy Jason

CRAZY JASON: "Wonder Woman is black."

ME: "How do you figure?"

CRAZY JASON: "Well, she's an amazon and people from the Amazon region are black. So Wonder Woman is black."

ME: "Okay."

CRAZY JASON: "And so is Batman, Superman, Robin, and the Flash."

ME: "Okay."

CRAZY JASON: "And the silver age Green Lantern."

------


-----

CRAZY JASON: "Do you know where I can get Soylent Green?"

ME: "The book or movie?"

CRAZY JASON: "The real Soylent Green."

ME: "Why do you want real Soylent Green?"

CRAZY JASON: "The food around here just isn't cutting it."

ME: "Ah...protein."

-----



--------



----


-----

World outraged! World sickened!

Yes folks, it's true!

Michelle Obama wearing shorts as she steps off of Air Force One.

First time EVER a first lady has worn shorts on AIR FORCE ONE.

A fashion holocaust.

Never forget.

Never again.

Smart Car

So you'll be driving down the highway and you'll see one of these 'Smart Cars' and your first thought is:

"Wow...there goes someone that really cares about his carbon footprint!"

Actually that's not what you think.

You think:

"Asshole."

Or maybe you think:

"Idiot."

Or possibly:

"Loser."

Democrat sometimes comes to mind.

And then you see another 'Smart Car' tootin' down the road and you once again think:

"Asshole."

I'm not sure why the Smart Car brings out such rage in us.

The folks driving them are doing some good. Care about the Earth. They save some money on gas.

Sounds almost smart, correct?

WRONG! They're assholes!

They don't care about the Earth.

All they care about is that YOU think they care about the Earth.

But they are Assholes in Dumb Cars.

Or possibly idiots or Democrats.

But even if they're not Democrats can we all agree that they're Assholes?

I thought so.

The Beatles pretending they are Tigers Swimming Beside Boat

Tiger swimming beside boat

So let's say you were on a boat and saw a tiger swimming by.

Would that be odd?

Do the large cats actually like to swim?

Or could it be a trained tiger taught to swim?

And why would someone train said tiger to swim?

What is the tiger's name?

Does he have siblings?

Is he swimming far from home or does he live right there next to the river?

Does he eat fish?

Is he happy?

Any battle scars on swimming tiger?

Does he always swim alone?

Can he dive?

Flips?

Can he hold his breath underwater?

For how long?

Does he wear swim trunks or does he swim naked?

Is he aware of time?

Can this particular tiger surf?

Or is he just a fresh water Big Cat?

Has this tiger ever appeared in the National Geographic?

Does he have religious beliefs or is he just spiritual?

These are just some of the questions I have for Tiger Swimming Beside Boat.

Memories

So last night I'm watching this documentary of the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

With them there Atom Bombs.

And they're interviewing a survivor.

She remembers her mother's eyes hanging out of their sockets and peoples skin melting off and children everywhere screaming for water and their Mothers!

The whole city in flames! She vividly recounts every detail of the horror and pain and suffering.

A man carrying his headless child thru the flame engulfed streets of the ravaged city.

She said she'll never forget any of it.

How could she?

It was the atom bomb and it wiped out everything in her life.

She'll never forget.

Ever.

---

Do you remember that episode of Gilligan's Island where the castaways made plates and cups out of plastic explosive they found on the beach?

And then the monkey got a hold of them and started throwing them around and blowing up stuff?

I'll never forget that.

Ever.

TCB

The Eunice Kennedy Wake

Every mourner got a trophy.

---

Why is this funny?

Because Eunice started the Special Olympics.

I still don't get why it's funny?

It's funny because in the Special Olympics every kid gets a trophy or ribbon.

Or something.

Or so us non-retarded people are lead to believe.

I still don't get why making fun of retarded kids at the Eunice Kennedy wake would be funny.

Trust me...it is.

Oh, Friendly's...you've done it again!

So for years FRIENDLY'S has offered the Happy Ending sundae.

And for years dirty-minded folks have laughed at said Happy Ending sundae.

"I'd LOVE a Happy Ending Sundae...but how about Saturday night instead??"

Etc.

And of course people protest and make a big deal about it.

It's harmless and Friendly's doesn't give in.

They still offer Happy Endings.

So today I drive by Friendly's.

On their outside marquee thingy it now reads:

ISN'T IT ABOUT TIME TO FRIBBLE YOURSELF?

---
SO TO SUM UP:

How about Saturday night?

PS:
A fribble is a chocolate milk shake.

Kevin Youkilis: sweaty ugly asshole.

Do you follow the Red Sox?

Do you know this guy?

This is Kevin Youkilis...he plays first base, thrid base, and sometimes left field.

He's real good.

He's also a sweaty ugly asshole.

But but but..."He's on our team!"

So what.

He's a sweaty ugly asshole and if he played for any other team you'd hate his guts.

Because he's a sweaty ugly asshole.

But but but...He hustles and plays great defense! He hits for power and average and in the clutch.

Doesn't matter.

He's a sweaty ugly asshole.

But he's our sweaty ugly asshole.

----

Wifey and her friends call him: '70's Vagina'

I call him sweaty ugly asshole.

What do you call him?