Time is up

Looks like it's just about time to delete some slackers.

Dear France,

Sometimes I sell stuff on ebay.

In my listing I mention that I will only ship to the US.

So unless you want us to go all Hitler on you...STOP BIDDING ON MY STUFF BECAUSE IT SCREWS UP MY AUCTIONS!!

You got that, leAsshole? lePoof?

The successful criminal brain is always superior. It has to be! (RIP)

I love you, FOXNEWS.COM !!

>Somalia’s hardline Islamist group al Shabaab is cracking down on residents who do not follow a strict form of Sharia Islamic law, now publicly whipping women who wear bras, the Times of India reported.

Residents tell the paper that gunmen have been gathering women in Mogadishu who are perceived to have firm busts. These women are then publicly whipped by masked men as punishment for what Islamist leaders call deception.

After the public whippings, the women are forced to remove their bras and shake their breasts, the Times reported.

“Al Shabaab forced us to wear their type of veil and now they order us to shake our breasts,” a resident, Halima, told the Times of India.
<


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Why do women like men?

HOAX!

Balloon trapped in well!


(Someone else made that joke (hoax) up)

AMAZING!!!

Helium filled boy-less balloon floats!!!

World stunned!

(Parents name boy FALCON...WORLD STUNNED!)

A couple of Crazy Jasons, A text conversation with Wifey, maybe a snippet, an RIP for Johnny Fontaine. Or something.

TEXT CONVERSATION WITH WIFEY AND ME:

ME: "Woof!"

WIFEY: "Huh?"

ME: "Hi."

WIFEY: "I'll be home soon."

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CRAZY JASON: "You know that great assassin Sirhan Sirhan?"

ME: "I know of him, yes..."

CRAZY JASON: "He would have made a great Han Solo..."

ME: "Hmmmm."

CRAZY JASON: You know, if he didn't bop future Presidents."

ME: "Thank you."

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ME: "The guy who plays Eric on True Blood came in my store today!"

DAUGHTER: "OH MY GOD! Did you get his autograph? You're lying, aren't you?"

ME: "I'm lying."

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The Pissboy is a man.

So this guy (pissboy) comes into my shop today and loudly proclaims: "EVERY TIME I COME IN HERE I HAVE TO PISS!!"

I just looked at him.

Somehow it's my fault that he has to 'piss'.

(Have I ever told anyone how much I hate the word piss?)

So if EVERY TIME he comes in here he has to piss you'd think that maybe Pissboy would piss at home before he comes down here.

But that would be too simple...instead he needs to proclaim "EVERY TIME I COME IN HERE I HAVE TO PISS!!"

Maybe, just maybe, Pissboy should watch his liquids before he shops. Ya think?

But it's my fault that he has to piss EVERY TIME HE COMES DOWN HERE!!

I don't need to know his piss schedule or what makes him piss or why he needs to piss in my shop.

He's a pisser, plain and simple.

A pissboy.

The super weird part is that he proclaims "EVERY TIME I COME IN HERE I HAVE TO PISS!!" yet he never askes to use my bathroom.

So now I'm thinking about his filled bladder...his huge prostate....his tinkle factory.

He bought a DVD...said DVD had a water theme. Really. In fact it was the largest grossing water themed movie of all-time.

Maybe watching water-themed movies...or even thinking about water-themed movies is the cause of his piss-passion.

But none of us really need to know about it.

Keep your piss needs to yourself. I don't need to know.

And that my friends, is the Saga of the Pissboy.

This certainly explains why the broads are all over me all the time:

THE BIRTH CONTROL PILL:

It ushered in the 1960s sexual revolution and gave women control over their own fertility.
But the Pill may also have changed women's taste in men, according to a study.
Scientists say the hormones in the oral contraceptive suppress a woman's interest in masculine men and make boyish men more attractive. Although the change occurs for just a few days each month, it may have been highly influential since use of the Pill began more than 40 years ago.


Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1218808/Contraceptive-pill-women-attracted-masculine-men--interested-boyish-looks.html#ixzz0TMQmPBQe

Cousin Saul wrote this, I'm posting it. (Please don't make fun of his dress)

Friends and family,

I would guess that many of you are getting tired of me "talking" about my son, Adam, but this Saturday would have been his 30th birthday. (hard to believe he'd be 30 years old!)

I learned several things from Adam...I learned that I need to love people more. I learned that I shouldn't expect people to behave as I would like them to behave. I learned that I need to overcome my fears and try new things. Adam loved to read and write poetry and although I'm NOT a big poetry fan, I decided to try to write a short poem for his 30th birthday gift. I don't really know if he would have liked my poem, but he would be glad that I tried....Saul Fowley



AIRPORT TIME

While we wait at the West Palm Beach Airport

I watch the people with the summer-colored skin

Eagerly awaiting the arrival of their sons or daughters.

Voyagers from the land of the working.

As the weary travellers disembark from the planes

And excitedly rush into their parents embrace,

I miss you all the more, my son.

I look forward to the day, in the next life,

When we can embrace once again.

Happy birthday Adam.

I love you.

Dad, 10-6-09

Lazy Love and The Snippets

So the other day Wifey leaves before I wake up and puts a note on the counter that says 'I Love You'

Very nice.

When I get home that night I notice said note on her desk in the kitchen.

No big deal...she just hasn't thrown it away yet.

So this morning I stumble into the kitchen before Wifey has left and I notice the same note sitting on the counter 'I Love You'

Here is the conversation that followed:

ME: "You can't just leave an old 'I Love You' note on the counter."

WIFEY: "Yes I can."

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LADY FROM INDIA: "I'm guessing you get a lot of Indians in here."

ME: "Yes...A lot."

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At a restaurant the other night and we have this wannabee sexy waitress that is kinda flirting around. She takes a cloth napkin and she very carefully places it on the upper part of my leg and kinda patting and smoothing it down. Here is the conversation that followed:

ME: "Wow...I don't think I can stand up right now."

HER: " Wow..I don't think I can sit down."

(She got a good tip)

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In OLD NAVY:

ME: "Those mannequins are creepy!"

GAL CLERK: "I have to dress them...you should see them naked."

ME: "I wish..."

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A TEXT TO MY OLDEST DAUGHTER:

ME: "Hey."

HER: "Hey."

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Top Ten Reasons Dave Letterman slept with his staffers.

10) He's a man.

9) He's a man.

8) He's a man.

7) He's a man.

6) He's a man.

5) He's a man.

4) He's a man.

3) He's a man.

2) He's a man.

And the number one reason David Letterman slept with some of his staff:

1) He's a man.

SNIPPETS: Looped on the Juice Special Edition

BACON ACE: "I didn't name my i-Touch after your wife...I named it after your Mother."

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MAN: "Why haven't you ever tried Indian food?"

ME: "I haven't finished trying the other kinds yet."

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GUY: "I can't believe Archie REALLY married Veronica over Betty.

ME: "Archie didn't REALLY do anything."

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GUY: "How much are those Looney Tune glasses?"

ME: "$9.99 each."

GUY: "I don't see any Mickey Mouse ones."

ME: "He ain't a Looney Tune."

GUY: "Are you sure?"

ME: "Yes."

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ME: "That's gross that we both did that."

WIFEY: "Burping isn't gross."

ME: "Yes it is."

WIFEY: "No, it isn't."

ME: "Is."

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ME: "Why do you need my ear buds?"

DAUGHTER: "Mine are broken."

ME: "You mean you chewed on them until they broke."

DAUGHTER: "I didn't chew on them...they just broke from using them too much."

ME: "CHEWER!!"

DAUGHTER: "Loser."

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Peace.

My audition reel for the 'in memorium' montage at this years Oscars (or The Tony Awards).

A text conversation with my 19 year old

ME: "I love you more than spaghetti and meatballs."

DAUGHTER: "I love you more than pizza."



(And if that doesn't bring a tear to your eye, nothing will. Except maybe some sand in your eye. Or onions. Or something)

48 seconds of joy.

All the World is a Stage (And Bono is an idiot)

So we go to see U2 last night. In concert. (I had to mention 'in concert' so you didn't think we just hungout with them)

So anyhow....they have a stage like pictured in the photo above.

And we all know that His Majesty, BONO, supports every lame ass cause on the planet : Sheep and whales. Poverty and peace. Drought (he's big on drought) Pollution and global warming.

Amd a big pile of etc. etc.

So where does that leave US?

We have a picture of his stage.

And a list of his 'causes'.

But in doing my research for today's blog (Making up crap) I found out that the stage cost upwards of 40 million dollars (really)

40.

Million Dollars.

For him to stand on and sing his crappy songs. And preach about political prisoners.

40 Million Dollars.

Point of the story?

Instead of spending 40 million dollars on a stupid stage he could have bought 5-10 homes for the very rich.

Maroons.

There is a poll on cnn.com today.

'Would you like to have 3-D TV'

A simple question.

The answer choices are:

Yes

No

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63% of the people said no.

NO.

They said NO. They don''t want 3-D TV.

NO.

How can that even be??

Normally when I see a poll online I can usually guess within a few percentage points on how folks will vote.

Except this one.

63% of the people said NO.

To 3-D TV.

NO.

These 63% might be the dumbest people on planet earth.

Brain damaged even.