Hulk smashed.

HOMELESS GUY: "I have the first issue of the Hulk I want to sell."

ME: "Great...let me take a look."

HOMELESS GUY: :::hands me an issue of something that is clearly not the Hulk #1::: "Here..."

ME: "Ummmm...this ain't a Hulk comic."

HOMELESS GUY: "Yes it is. It goes for $1000.00."

ME: "This ain't a Hulk comic. And it's tattered and torn. Even if it was it wouldn't be worth $1000.00."

HOMELESS GUY: "It's the first issue of Hulk. It's a collector's item classic."

ME: "Thank you for bringing it in. Cool comic."

HOMELESS GUY: "Hulk first issue. Thousand dollars."

ME: "Have a great day!"

HOMELESS GUY: "You too!"

A dream about Those Who Do Not Close Doors.

I'll keep it under 45 seconds:

The dream starts with me and Wifey putting our bed up for sale on Craigslist.

A day or two later a couple of Those Who Do Not Close Doors show up at our house to look at said bed.

They get on it. The change positions. They ohhhh...they ahhhh...they do whatever people do when buying a used mattress.

Then the male of Those Who Do Not Close Doors asks in his annoying voice:

"Does this bed have a toggle switch?"

I answer:

"Beds don't have toggle switches."


He insists it does in that agitated annoying voice of Those Who Do Not Close Doors:

"This model should have a toggle switch in the back!"

And then he scoots around to the back of the bed and finds a toggle switch on my bed!!

I respond the only way I know how:

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU FUCKING FUCKBALL!!"

And then I turn around and see a gray-haired Mick Jagger just laughing.

It's time for a Trip to the Grocery Store with Me and Wifey

Next week I'm bringing a tri-pod.

Our new feature: "Let's Look at 17 Seconds of Vomit!"

Dear TIME Magazine, Not so fast. Love, IANO

Please send donations to: www.GETMARIKAANEWSHIRT.com

Wild Horses

There is a story in the news today about the above horse.

(actual photo from news story)

The story claims this is the world's smallest horse.

Interesting story, I suppose.

The better story would have been about the guy who measures all of the world's horses.

It's Thursday, guess where I'm going?

It's time for 'Let's Make Fun of the Once Beautiful!'

Today's grand prize winner is......ZSA ZSA GABOR!!

LIz

Elton John is hard at work on Candle in the Wind 3. It will be his most poignant version ever!

Should be on iTunes by Saturday.

Breakfast in America

So yesterday I'm out having breakfast.

The usual fare. Eggs, sausage, toast, bacon, hash browns, coffee, grape jelly.

Breakfast.

And I look next to me.

And next to me is a couple in their early 60s.

Eating breakfast. At a breakfast place.

Normal.

Eggs, bacon, sausage, toast, coffee, orange juice, hash browns, and a bunch of etc.

All normal.

So far.

The couple was Japanese. Speaking Japanese. Eating breakfast just like I do.

I never thought about it before. The Japanese like the same breakfast food that I do!

Have you ever seen Japanese people in a breakfast place in America?

Trust me, you probably haven't.

The moral of the story?

Breakfast food is better than raw squid.

It's Out of Context Punchline Theatre!

"Honey, that ain't a puzzle, that's a box of Kellogg's Corn Flakes!

He ain't heavy, he's my brother.

So I'm talking to someone yesterday. Here is part of that conversation:

THEM: "Do you like your brother?"

ME: "No, but I love him."

----

And then for some reason I decided to text my brother.

Here is that text and the ones that followed:

ME: "Someone just asked me if I like you and I told them that I love you."

NO RESPONSE FOR ABOUT TWO HOURS.

Finally a text comes in.

BROTHER: "What???"

----

So I text him back.

ME: "Someone asked if I liked you and I told them 'No, I love him.' I've probably never told you that before. You're a good dude and I love you."

--------

NO RESPONSE

--------

So this morning on my way to work I call him up on the phone. Here is THAT conversation:

ME: "HA! You must have thought I was stoned or something yesterday."

BROTHER: "I had no idea what you were talking about."

ME: "Just what I texted...hey, gotta go, toolbooth up ahead."

BROTHER: "I love you, Bro."

I think I'm not turning Japanese

What's up with Japan?

Here they are this great culture.

A modern society.

A clean and beautiful country.

Third largest economy in the world.

And then an earthquake hits.

A tsunami.

Nuclear meltdown.

A volcano erupts.

Thousands dead. Devastaion everywhere.

So what do The Japanese do?

They don't loot!

What kinda crazy country is that??

Have they learned nothing from us???

You have an earthquake...you loot.

Tsunami? Loot.

Nuclear meltdown? D'uh...you loot!

Volcano? Loot.

When my country goes to hell like theirs you can pretty much guarantee I'll have a TV on my shoulder and I'll be wearing a wife-beater t-shirt.

This is America, not Japan.

We loot.

Brown Eyed Girl

Here is a conversation I recently had:

GAL: "I wear a lot of brown."

ME: "You shouldn't...you don't look good in brown."

GAL: "Yes I do."

ME: "Nope."

GAL: "It brings out the brown in my eyes."

ME: "Nobody is looking at your eyes."

It ain't a BOGO tards!

We've discussed BOGO before.

It stands for BUY ONE GET ONE.

It does NOT stand for BUY ONE GET ONE FOR HALF PRICE.

That would be the BOGOFHP.

But Payless Shoes think they are clever.

Well, guess what?

Payless Shoes ain't clever. They are losers with crappy shoes.

Back to the Future

Yesterday I had a ton of things to do and part of that ton took place at THE MALL.

Went in a few places. Ate. And stuff.

Then I set the Way Back machine to 1978 and ended up in JC PENNY.

It was good seeing 1978 again. Odd, but good.

Strange that I didn't find anything to buy in there.

And then I set the machine back to 1974!

BAM! I was in Sears (I've made fun of them before. I will do so again. And again)

They had this snazzy display of dresses for girls.



It's a shame that Cindy Brady no longer shops at Sears.

CHORUS:

Avocado! Avocado! Harvel Gold! Harvest Gold! Flared slacks! Flared slacks!

Avocado! Avocado! Haggar for Men! Haggar for Men!

Notions! Avocado!

Bed, Bath, and Beyond!

So yesterday I go to Bed, Bath, and Beyond to buy some towels.

Seems like the right place to go.

I find a few towels (I actually found stacks and stacks and stacks of towels but only picked out four that I wanted), bring them up to the front counter to pay, and then I see this huge display.



It seems out of place. I can see one or two people with damaged hands...but an endcap worth of stuff for damaged hands?

Why are people with damaged hands even out shopping? Shouldn't they be at the hospital?

Are people damaging their hands in The Bed?

The Bath?

Or The Beyond?

(I once damaged my hand in The Beyond but that's a whole 'nother story...)