Elvis aint the retard

So I have a regular 'customer' that is an actual retarded (Special Olympian) guy.

Here is the conversation I had with him today:

TARD: "Who is you favorite Beatle?"

ME: "Ummmm...Ringo."

TARD: "I like Ringo."

ME: "Who is your favorite Elvis Presley?"

TARD: "Ummmm....Elvis."

ME: "Mine also."

Congrats to a friend of mine and her new baby!

Out of context snippet about Congressman Wu from Oregon

'Photos surfaced of Wu looking red-faced and deranged while wearing a fuzzy orange tiger costume and staffers said they received rambling emails that appeared to be written by Wu's children but were actually written by him.'

RIP Amy Winehouse

Norway still in shock after massacre.

I'm on a lobster roll!

So last night I went out with some friends to the movies.

Before said movies I had a lobster roll.

When I got home Wifey was still up. Here is the conversation we had:

ME: "I had a lobster roll."

WIFEY: "I'm glad for you."

ME: "YOU'RE NOT GLAD FOR ME AT ALL!!"

WIFEY: "I am!"

ME: "Liar. I think you're jealous."

WIFEY: "Whatever."

We're having a heatwave, a tropical heatwave...

So there is a heatwave going on.

In the summer!

The above picture is (was) on msnbc.com

Look at the picture.

Dramatic, huh?

I would guess that maybe 180 million-240 million Americans are feeling the heatwave.

And msnbc.com finds the one guy drinking from a gigantic barrel.

Nobody else in all of the 50 states is scarffin' down water out of a barrel.

The heatwave hasn't screwed up our faucets. We have tons of clean fresh water.

Most people have air conditioning.

Most people are drinking water out of glasses or 12 ounce bottles.

Joco's

This place is across the street from where I work.

Every so often I look outside and see Joco's.

At a glance the sign looks like it says 'Tacos'.

SO TO SUM UP:

I want tacos.

Paint Chips

So we're having our house painted. The outside.

So we do what any normal people would do.

We get paint chips!

Lots and lots of paint chips.

And we start picking out colors.

And then I notice Benjamin Moore's disclaimer. Paraphrased.

"Color on paint chip does not necessarily match color of actual paint."

What???

The paint chip has ONE purpose in life!! TO. MATCH. THE. COLOR. OF. THE. ACTUAL. PAINT.

As a nation we can pretend to land men on the moon but we can't match paint color to a cardboard chip????

This whole courtroom is out of order!!!

(The courtroom is done in a nice Cayman Lagoon)

The Paul McCartney Review.

I guess Paul played at Yankee Stadium the other night.

I read a review about it in the NY Post.

They said he played some solo stuff, some Beatles songs, and some Wings songs.

Wow.

I never would have guessed that.

Clams and water.

So To Sum Up:

Clams and water.

Yahtzee!

So last night Wifey and I were playing Yahtzee.

She looked at me.

Here is what she said:

WIFEY: "You're boring."

---

Did I mention we were playing Yahtzee?

Auto Correct

The story you are about to read is true.

It just happened.

I was using my iPhone and I started to type Jeter (Derek Jeter had just slammed his 3000th hit)

The iPhone has an auto-correct feature that I had on.

When I typed Jeter it suggested 'Heterosexual'

I found that amusing. Derek Jeter a heterosexual.

RIP Betty Ford

Copyright CLINKY

Armless man pitches at Fenway

I was going to link the Youtube but then it just turned out to be a guy pitching with his feet.

Lame!!

Pitching with invisible arms would have been way cooler.

Apache Squaw Cook Um Up Good. Apache Squaw Need Job.

Selling your house

So the other day I was reading this article in USA Today on how to best sell your house.

The author goes on and on with the advice:

Re-do your kitchen!

Fresh paint!

Get rid of clutter!

And on and on and on.

Tip after tip after tip.

And then she mentioned that when she was trying to sell her house she even paid a shaman to come to her house to get rid of any bad mojo that might be around.

I didn't read the rest of the article.

Fresh paint???

Friend from the 1970s or serial killer?

The RAID on Antebbe

So the other day I'm putting a bag of trash in my trunk when I notice a few ants on the bag.

I take said bag and put it inside another plastic bag and then put back in trunk.

(I'm taking trash to a dumpster)

So I get to the dumpster about an hour later and I open up the trunk.

ANTS!!!

And not the good Jemima kind!

My trunk is covered in ants!! Tons of ants!

I go inside my shop and find a can of RAID and spray the crap out of my trunk.

I wipe it clean with a sponge.

I taught those bastards a big time lesson.

Stay outta my trunk, Ants!!

My day continues. Hours pass. Night nears.

My workday is done. I go out to my car.

I check the trunk. No ants.

Did I mention it was a steamy day?

I get in my car.

It's a freakin' oven in there with Zyklon B fumes choking me!!

It reeks of death in my car. It reeks of RAID!

I can hear the ants laughing at me.

---
Epilogue:

Three days later my car is still a headache inducing deathmobile.

I have to drive with the windows down (those that know me know that I hate that!!)

This morning I covered the trunk with Arm and Hammer baking soda.

It did no good.

Some weird kinda chemsitry is going on in my trunk. It ain't good.

Never forget.

The ants still laugh.

I still have a RAID headache.

How to avoid getting hit by a train.