Stinkin' to high Heaven

So I pull into my driveway the other night and open the garage door.

Sitting on the stairs that go to my house is a skunk!

I'm in the driveway. I flick my high beams at him. (Or was it a her?)

LePew just stares at me.

Years ago we had a skunk in the garage and it took hours for him (her?) to leave.

So I phoned Wifey.

ME: "Did you leave something on the stairs? It looks like a skunk."

WIFEY: "No. I'll go check."

--

So I'm in the safety of my car.

Headlights shining on Skunky.

Wifey slowly opens the door and SCREAMS!!

And then she does the stupid!

SHE KICKS THE SKUNK IN THE ASS!!

And then goes back in the house.

She gets back on phone and says the skunk is dead.

I'm still not going in the garage.

So I get out of my car and run into the house through the front door.

Wifey starts laughing at me.

The skunk is a fake skunk.

Well, actually the skunk was a real skunk.

He was just dead and stuffed.

And on my stairs in my garage.

SO TO SUM UP:
Wifey has a dead stuffed real skunk and she's not afraid to use it.

The "Sturbridge Village" Insurance Agency.

INSURANCE AGENT: "So, if you'll just fax me back that paperwork I'll get right on it."

ME: "Fax? Do you mind if I finish churning the butter first?"

INSURANCE AGENT: "I don't know what you mean."

ME: "Do people still churn butter?"

INSURANCE AGENT: "You're confusing me."

ME: "Do people still really fax?"

INSURANCE AGENT: "Not often."

ME: "Thank you."

Jesus in a blanket

Someone just pointed out to me that if you say 'JESUS' backwards it sounds like 'sausage'.

If only Jesus tasted like sausage...

Young King Cole

Life.

Right.

Baby Talk.

Mosquito.

---

Say "Mommy!" one more time

and I will kill you.

Rocky

So we were watching Rocky last night (Not babysitting for a kid named Rocky, watching a movie named Rocky)

Anyhow...


So it's near the end of the movie. Rocky and Apollo Creed are boxers and are duking it out in a championship match.

A vicious battle.

Back and forth.

Face punches.

Body shots.

Blood. Sweat. Tears.

Round 4. Round 8.

Beating the crap out of each other.

12th round. 14th.

The end of the fight.

Rocky has fullfilled his dream...he's gone toe to toe with the champ for 15 brutal rounds.

He looks for his girl in the crowd.

She is making her way thru the stands.

She gets to the ring.

She climbs inside the boxing ring.

She embraces a bloodied Rocky!!

The music swells! The credits rolls.

One of the greatest movies of all time ends.

My heart is pounding.

WOW!

And then my Wife speaks:

WIFEY: "Stupid."

I'm not sure why.

So the computer companies call them 'notebooks'.

We don't. We call them laptops.

But the computer companies won't budge.

I'm not sure why.



And the phone companies call them 'mobile phones'.

We don't. We call them cellphones.

Or the cool people call them iPhones.

Nobody has ever called them mobile phones.

Except for the companies.

I'm not sure why.

And then there is Cousin Saul.

Cousin Saul likes to call it 'Kleenex brand facial tissues'

We don't. We call them Kleenex.

Nobody else calls them Kleenex brand facial tissues.

Except for Cousin Saul.

I'm not sure why.

Bing!

So I bought a new computer last night.

As I was setting it up it asked if I wanted to set BING as my default search engine.

So I googled BING.

I decided not to make BING my default search engine.

As the rest of Planet Earth has also done.

I'm not making this up about the Spanish accent lady.

SPANISH ACCENT LADY: "Do you know where there is a Chinese store around here?"

ME: "Nope."

SPANISH ACCENT LADY: "The store that sells the Chinese hair?"

ME: "Nope."

SPANISH TALKING LADY: "Are you new on the street?"

ME: "Yes."

Rubber rats (and liquor)

So a Chinese guy just came in the shop.

It's not important to the story that he was Chinese.

Here is the conversation:

CHINESE GUY: "Do you have any plastic snakes or rubber rats?"

ME: "I don't have any plastic snakes but I do have this one rubber rat."

:::shows him rubber rat:::

CHINESE GUY: "No, that won't do. It's too big."

----

The rubber rat was the size of a real rat.

Observation (lie) from the 84 year old women.

This old lady comes in my shop.

Here is the conversation.


LADY: "I've never seen so much stuff in my entire life!"

---

Records

CUSTOMER: "Do you buy records?"

ME: "Sure, what kind do you have?"

CUSTOMER: "Vintage ones."

What was it? It was a bar fight? It was a bar fight. Tonight was a bar fight. It was a bar fight.

The Small Piano (or should I call this: The guy that talked like Latka)

So a guy just ran into my shop and asked me a question.

He sounded like Latka.

He was a bit out of breath.

Here is the conversation:

LATKA: "Do you have any small pianos ::pantpantpant::?"

ME: ""Nope, all sold out."

LATKA: "Thank you very much."

ME: "Thank you."

The Letter G

Today I was determined to write the whole blog with nothing but words that begin with the letter G.

Then I decided it would be funnier not to use any words that begin with the letter G.

Thank you.

The one on the left forgot to wear her 'I eat way too much butter' sign.

Especially cute.

So I was reading this article about some super cute polar bear cub.

In the article it tried to explain what makes something especially cute.

Here is part of the article:


////Interestingly, research has uncovered the facial features that make something especially cute: big eyes. Big cheeks. Big forehead.////


------

-------

-------

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Here is Clint Howard.

Especially cute.

Lions in the fire

So a customer calls the other day and asks if I have something.

Here is the conversation:

ME: "You should stop down and look thru my inventory. I have a bunch of what you're looking for."

CUSTOMER: "I can't this week, I have way too many lions in the fire right now."

ME: "You mean irons in the fire?"

CUSTOMER: "Nope, too many lions in the fire."

ME: "Okay. Thank you."

I love me some fresh Homo

I'm also a fan of fresh grap leaves.

(This was a few doors down from Buddy Nite restaurant)