"Strings" Armstrong RIP

Overheard in a parking lot.

Three fat chicks were standing WAY over there >.

Two guys were over THAT < way.

Here is what was said:

ONE OF THE GUYS: "HEY, COWS!!...there is grass on our dicks!!"

--


(I might have laughed)

Todd Akin was wrong

And I have two daughters to prove it!!

Things you don't need to know about this past week's Buddy Nite.

We said the word 'Brony' over 200 hundred times.

Our table was reserved under the names Butch and Sundance.

We were called Hoagy and Cowboy as we left.

I stirred Hoag's drink with a French Fry.

As I got up to use the men's room I told Hoag to keep his paws off of my drink.

About an hour later he texted me a picture of him pawing my drink.

Salt got dumped into his drink.

We also spent a better part of the night discussing what charity we should get 100% involved in.


SO TO SUM UP:

One of the above statements is false.

How does a politician get my vote?

So Mitt Romney just picked Paul Ryan as his running mate.

I never heard of him before.

So I read up on him.

Turns out he used to work for Oscar Mayer.

And he drove the Wienermobile.

He drove...The Wienermobile!

A heartbeat away and we have a guy that drove the Wienermobile in the Oval Office!

(He didn't actually drive it IN the Oval Office)

Come November I vote (R)

Three days later

And I come up with the best response ever!

EVER!

Hopefully someone, sometime in the future, will ask me if I sell Fitzwillies.

Cuz I'm ready for them!

The Battle of the Olympic Male Bulge

So we were watching the Olympics the other night. Here is part of the conversation:

WIFEY: "Did you see that?"

ME: "What?"

WIFEY: "His package."

ME: "His package?"

WIFEY: "The bulge in his pants."

ME: "I wasn't looking there."

WIFEY: "You were looking there!!"

ME: "I don't look at male packages."

WIFEY: "What about on buddy nite?"

ME: "What the heck are you talking about?"

WIFEY: "You don't check out {real name} Hoagy?"

ME: "Why the heck would I check out Hoagy's package?"

WIFEY: "Aren't you curious?"

ME: "You're out of your mind."

WIFEY: "If you're behind him when you're walking into the restaurant do you look at him?"

ME: "You are nuts...I'm looking at chicks."

WIFEY: "You don't notice what {real name} Hoagy is wearing?"

ME: "Everybody notices what Hoagy is wearing."

Sometimes I'm just gonna swipe a joke from Sarah Silverman.

So this old couple goes to Germany for vacation, and they're doing the whole tour.

And they get into a big fight on the bus, and they go on the tour of Auschwitz and they're not speaking to each other the whole time.

They get back on the bus and the husband says "You were right, I was wrong, I'm sorry."

And she says: "Oh, NOW you're sorry. Now that you ruined Auschwitz for me."

So the power is back on in India and what it means to you.

1. Female voices have returned to their normal dulcet tones.

2. With AC now pouring thru the whole country it is down to a chilling 108 degrees.

3. Sweet aroma of the famed Sewage River returns in all of its glory.

4. Car horns never needed electricity!! We kept on honkin', Bobo!

5. Children are back to being pleasant.

6. Trash Mountain is back in operation and locals flocked back as if they never left!

7. Squalor returns all around the countryside.

8. Hindu?

9. Do what?

10. Remind me of a man.

11. What man?

12. Man with the power.

13. Power of what?

14. Hindu.

15. Do what?

16. Remind me of a man...

Today's post is titled: Your ass is just too damn big to be wearing those tiny shorts.

Now if I could only think of something to blog about...

Have you ever heard a retarded guy sneeze?

It sounds just like a regular guy sneezing.

I was expecting more.

I will try to make some sense out of the Opening Ceremony at the Olympics.

Smokestacks come out of the ground while a bunch of Abe Lincolns smoke cigars and then they wheel in some kids on beds and the nurses tell them to be quiet (probably because the theme from the Exorcist is playing) then a gaggle of Mary Poppins-iz fly down and beat up monsters.

Bad actors roll up sod and then an inflatable house appears in the middle where 1960s pop is played while bad go-go dancing goes on.

The camera pans to a bored Queen (who earlier flew in with James Bond)

Then a chick loses her phone while bad pop music is played and then a guy finds her phone. This ushers in the digital age.

Something about health care, something about women's rights. Something about Mr. Bean and Chariots of Fire.

Then a bunch of athletes walk in (though very few swimmers).

The people from Bermuda wore Bermuda Shorts.

A Beatle sang a song at the end that had nothing to do with anything.

.
SO TO SUM UP:

I didn't make any of this up.

Generic Dandruff Shampoo

Yup.

That's what I use.

This morning I opened up a new one.

Generic store brand packaging.

Until I looked a little closer.

It told me it was 'Scalp-Tastic'

Guess what?

I'm having a great hair day.

The End.

My thoughts are not with the families of the Aurora Dark Knight Massacre

They are mostly on that brown sugar cinnamon pop tart.

Sitting right there.

C'mere....

The Batman Shooting

You've probably read about by now.

Crazy loner shoots up a Colorado movie theatre killing 12 people.

So I've been reading the news about it.

I came across this gem:



'Police say the attack is not tied to terrorism and have thus far have provided no motive. Holmes' only known brush with authorities was a speeding ticket issued last October. Federal law enforcement sources told USA Today Holmes "was not on anybody's radar."  '

----

So let's break this down, shall we?

His only know brush with the law was a speeding ticket.

It is also stated that he 'was not on anybody's radar.'

Yet he got a speeding ticket??

I'm pretty sure he is gonna beat the speeding ticket rap.

The Spider and the Smoke Detector

So last night around midnight the smoke detector goes off.

As per our pre-arranged fire plan nobody knew what to do.

I go wandering around the house looking for smoke.

No smoke. No fire. Just a blaring alarm.

Wifey informs me that it's probably a spider that set off the alarm.

So now I have to worry about fire breathing spiders!!!!

----

The screaming noise wouldn't stop so I went down to the basement and turned off the circuit breaker to the smoke alarms.

When I wake up in the morning Wifey left me a note:

THERE IS NO HOT WATER.

I guess I also turned off the circuit breaker to the water heater.

----

What have we learned?

Spiders are tiny little dragons.

Circuit breaker for smoke alarms also turns off water heater.

Finalist in the new Buddy Nite theme song contest!

NEW FEATURE: The wit and wisdom of Fran.

Fran stops in my store every so often.

He's been stopping in for the past four decades.

I wish I wrote down everything he has said.

You will come to love Fran. (He looks like Keith Richards)

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"I don't mind paying anything as long as it's the right price."

-----

"If I was in Tommy Hearns corner he would have won that fight.

He had him on the ropes and all he needed to do was JAB JAB JAB, instead he went for the face and lost."

-----

"Am I funnier than Peter?"

-----
FRAN: "How much are these?"

ME: "$4.00 each."

FRAN: "What if I buy six of them?"

ME: "$3.50 each if you buy six or more."

FRAN: "What if I just buy one?"

ME: "$4.00."

FRAN: "$3.50 sounds better."

----

FRAN: "I got new teeth."
[smiles]

ME: "What happened to the old ones?"

FRAN: "They got punched out. I have a temper."

----

New old song to be played at my funeral.