So last night I went out for something to eat.

I didn't want to stay out late.

 I wanted to eat.

And get home early.

Eat. Home. Sleep.

That was the plan.

So we start walking to my car after a quick dinner.

No keys.

Check the back pocket.

Other back pocket.

Front pockets. Shirt pocket.

Jacket pockets.

Repeat.

Take stuff out of pockets.

Pat back pockets again.

No keys.

It's cold outside.

Back inside restaurant.

ME: "Did you find a set of keys in here?"

NOT THE BRIGHTEST BARTENDER ON THE PLANET:  "What did they look like?"

ME: "Keys."

I look around restaurant.

They probably just fell to the floor where I sat.

Nope.

Check the back pockets again...I'm sure they will magically appear there.

They don't.

No keys.

I saddle up to the bar.

I remove everything out of every pocket (I had so much crap with me I was expecting to find a slingshot and a jawbreaker)

Money, wallet, change, cough drops, box cutter, napkins, receipts, paperclip, fireball, notes, etc.

No keys.

I took off my jacket.

I started patting it down...maybe a hole in the pocket lining?

Maybe the keys are in the lining!

They aren't.

I shake the jacket.

I hear keys.

They aren't in any pockets or the lining.

Or are they?

I pat it down again.

I feel the keys!!!

I HAVE THE KEYS IN MY JACKET!!

But where?

I'm befuddled.

And then I spot the secret hidden pocket I never knew about!!

I have a secret pocket!!

In my jacket.

SO TO SUM UP:

I'm the luckiest man on earth. I have a secret pocket so secret that I didnt even know it existed!

Secret pockets are pretty cool.

It's my new place for my keys.

I'm old.

I bought a Christmas present at Sears last night.

Kids laugh at the lamest jokes.

ME: "What was the funniest thing about Thanksgiving?

DAUGHTER: "When Grandpa starting telling his Jager stories."

ME: "Jager?"

DAUGHTER: "Jägermeister....it's a wicked strong drink."

ME: "And...?"

DAUGHTER: "And Grandpa drank a bunch of it and got really drunk and ended up in the closet."

ME: "Did he move like Jager?"

Dr. Strange

ME:  "Hi...first time in?"


STRANGE: "I'm all about the jokes."


ME: "Excellent."


------
------

ME: "They are right over there."


STRANGE: "I should buy all of these and distribute them all around the country."


ME: "Yes."

---
---

STRANGE: "Look, Honey....DICE BAGS!"

Code Name: Code

It ain't his fault.

So President Obama was just re-elected.

In the coming four years you might not get everything that he promised.

Unemployment might go up, stock market might go down.

The National debt will increase.

Energy costs will skyrocket.

You probably wont get that free cellphone or free oil he promised.

But please don't blame Obama.

He inherited this mess.

From Obama.

Vote the person not the party.

I now understand what the people of NYC and New Jersey went thru. Send me free gas.

Sandy Aftermath

People still don't have power.

Homes destroyed.

Streets flooded.

A storm that actually lived up to expectations.

It might take years for some people to rebuild their lives.

Billions and billions of dollars of damage.

But this is my blog.

Let's talk about me.

I lost power at my house.

When it finally came back on I had to reset my clocks.

And now tonight is the end of Daylight Savings Time and I'll have to set my clocks AGAIN!

Never forget.

The Ballad of Hurricane Sandy

So Hurricane Sandy hit yesterday.

You probably read about it.

Massive power outages, death and destruction.

Floods.

It lived up to expectations.

We lost power at 4:20 in the afternoon.

iPhones...checking emails. Texting and Facebook.

Cell phones slowly lost power.

No TV.

It got boring really fast once it got dark out.

10% battery charge left.

Save that for an emergency more dire than a hurricane.

At least it was warm.

Everything by candlelight.

We suffered thru the night.

Screw it...let's just go to sleep early.

Maybe the power will be on when we wake up?

It wasn't.

Wifey was still sleeping.

I decided I'd be a good guy and get some coffee and croissants.

So I drove around surrounding towns until I found some.

Trees and branches littered the roads.

Winds still gusting.

Rain pouring.

Finally got home.

Wifey was still sleeping.

I drank my coffee. Ate my croissant.

Wifey got up.

I told her I had coffee.

I could tell she thought it was nice that I went out in the storm to get it.

It was still dark in the house save for one flickering candle.

I noticed a bit of "coffee" that I spilled on the counter.

So I went to wipe it up.

Turns out it was crumbs from the flakey pastry thingy.

Here is the conversation that followed:

WIFEY: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!???  You're getting crumbs EVERYWHERE!!"

----

And that my friends is the carnage that we call.... Hurricane Sandy.

The Bride and Frankenstorm

So Wifey and I were discussing the BIG STORM that's coming.

I suggested a few things in case we lose power.

Here is part of the conversation:

WIFEY: "We won't lose power."


--------

You see....Wifey has a special power. She knows what trees will fall and where they will fall.

They ain't falling near us or our power grid.

Election Game Changer

So a couple of minutes ago I was reading the news online.

The headline on an article proclaimed:

VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN SPEAKS AT A CAMPAIGN STOP IN WISCONSIN.

Really?

A week and a half before the election the Vice President speaks at a campaign stop??

I wonder how many months of digging did the reporter do to find out this news?

Did his family wonder what he was doing making so many calls at all hours of the night?

I hope most of America reads his story.

It's a game changer.

Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny Hoops Johnny...

So I'm in the Bank of America today and the teller suggests that I get the new Bank of America credit card.

He gestures to the sign behind me (That I took a picture of...as you can see)

I read it.

Earn cash back with no hoops.

Take a look on the bottom left of the picture.

What do you see?

I'll tell you what you see!!

You see HOOPS!!! line after line after line of HOOPS!!

I scolded the teller.

He denied the HOOPS!!

Even though the HOOPS were written in that tiny tiny tiny HOOPS size that we can barely read.

Ann Coulter calls Obama a retard

Doesn't she know that we don't use that word anymore?

She should have used the more politically correct 'mentally challenged'

Blueberry Pancakes

Two gals came in the shop together. (One of them had short hair)

I spoke with one of them.

Here is the conversation.

GAL: "Do you have anything by Alison Bechdel?

ME: "I have 'Are You My Mother' and 'Fun Home'...she also did Dykes To Watch Out For but I'm out of stock on those."

GAL: "I was looking for Dykes."

Keep your paws off of my right shoulder!

So last night the Detroit Tigers beat the New York Yankees and won the America League pennant!

This morning I was reading about the game.

 I was also reading about AFTER the game.

I came across this:

'General manager Dave Dombrowski hugged Jim Leyland - who is in the final year of his contract - while owner Mike Ilitch rubbed the 67-year-old manager's right shoulder.'

-----

I guess I understand the hugging of the manager by the general manager.

I'm not quite sure of the rubbing of the RIGHT shoulder of the manager.

By the owner.

And why the right shoulder?  Is it some kinda gay code?

Purple Paint Guy

Purple Paint Guy: "Do you have any purple paint?"

Me: "Yup, it's right over here."

Purple Paint Guy: "I need some light colored purple that is darker."

Me: "Darker than what?"

Purple Paint Guy: "Light purple."

Me: "You want a medium colored purple paint?"

Purple Paint Guy: "Darker than medium."

Me: "Here..try this dark purple."

Purple Paint Guy: "No, that's too dark."

Me: Then try the light purple."

Purple Paint Guy: "Too light."

Me: "Do you like porridge?"

Purple Paint Guy: "What?"

Me: "Nevermind."

This is all you really need to know about my family.

So last night I started spraying silly string at my wife and kids.

Oldest daughter laughed.

Youngest daughter looked serious and then went upstairs.

Wifey told me to knock it off and then commented on what the silly string smelled like.

RIP