Conan

KID: "Look...Conan O'Brien has his own comic!"

DAD: "Different Conan....that's the barbarian."

KID: "Huh?"

The Homeless Guy

So this homeless guy is standing outside of my shop.

Long beard.

Dirty clothes.

Flood pants.

Flip-flops on his filthy feet.

Long fingernails.

Tattered shopping bags stuffed with newspapers.

You know, homeless.

Did I mention I put a large box of record albums outside today for FREE?

The Homeless Guy spots said records.

FREE RECORDS!

And what does he do?

He starts taking the records out of the sleeves and inspecting them for scratches.

CUSTOMER: "Do you have the tin dog from Doctor Who?"

ME: "Sorry...we're all sold out of the tin dog."

Boston Marathon

So who won the race?

Play Ball! (kinda)

Roger Ebert

ME: "Roger Ebert died."

POSSIBLY CLINKY: "Was he the fat one or the bald one?"

Lady Liberty

A lady comes in today.

Here is the conversation.

LADY: "Do you have any low numbered tables?
ME: "A what?"

LADY: "A low numbered table."

ME: "You mean like a bargain table?"

LADY: "No...a low numbered table. A table with a low number."

ME: "I don't know what that is...I've never heard that expression before. Do you mean a table with things marked down low?"

LADY: "No...a low numbered table."

ME: "I don't have any low numbered tables right now."

LADY: "I'll bring that package in soon."

ME: "What package?"

LADY: "Remember when I came in dressed like Lady Liberty and I said I had a package for you?"

ME: "Yes."

LADY: "Maybe I'm dreaming."

ME: "Maybe."

------


(She actually came in a  month ago dressed up like the broad in the picture...She was 'working' for Liberty Tax...I didn't recognize her without her torch)

When is a gun not a gun? When it's ajar.

GAL: "Hey look, Marge....records! Remember these?"

MARGE: "Yes."

GAL: "What did we call them?"

MARGE:  "44's"

The Incredible Hulk

So I'm flipping thru an old issue of The Incredible Hulk  and in it is a panel of The Hulk kinda talking to himself.

He says something like: "Bah! Why do puny humans bother Hulk?"

 I thought about it for a second or two.

They bother you Hulk, cuz you're an asshole.

Always smashing things. And stuff.

Quit being a dink and maybe they won't 'bother' you anymore.

I'm on the bandwagon (Baa!)

Key-Rhist!

GUY: "Hi...do you know where I can get a key made?"

ME: "Yes...there is a locksmith four blocks down THAT way."

GUY: "Thanks...I'll go the other way...it's not as far."

----



(I'm thankful that we have the word dinkweed)

I'm so cool...I swear a lot in this post!

I was reading an article today about snack time at the White House.

The article featured the above picture.

A picture of a little boy in suit and a little girl in her cotillion dress.

(I hope those kids get bullied BIG TIME!)

But that's not why I'm writing.

I'm writing cuz it's SNACK TIME at The Fucking White House and the goddamn Obama's put out a fucking bowl of apples!!!

For snacks!!

I love apples, don't get me wrong...but for SNACK TIME??? At the White House???

And look at MOOchelle's giddy smile?

"I'm promoting healthy eating!"

FUCK OFF!

It's snack time at the Goddamn White House and you put out goddamn apples for kids.

They want candy.

Bush would have put out candy.

And not healthy candy.

Candy candy.

The one time those kids get to go to the fucking White House and they get fucking apples.

----


(a special thanks to Cousin Saul for the term Moochelle)

(

New Pope!

Pawn Store

GUY: "There used to be a pawn store around here...do you know where it is?"

ME: "They closed years ago."

GUY: "The man down the street said there is a pawn store right around here."

ME: "He's wrong."

GUY: "It's where the old pawn store used to be."

ME: "There was never a pawn store on this block."

GUY: "Yes there was...I've been in it!"

ME: "You've been in a pawn store here?"

GUY: "Yes, back when they sold videos."

ME:  "OH!!!! A Porn store!!!"

GUY: "Yes, that's what I said."

Menu Antics

Last night we went out to eat with another couple.

 

One of my favorite things to do in a restaurant is eat.

 

One of my other favorite things to do in a restaurant is to engage the waitress with stupid.

 

Here is the conversation after the waitress explained the specials.

 

 

WAITRESS:  "So if you have ANY questions about the menu just ask!"

 

ME: "Where did you get it printed?"

 

WAITRESS:  :::blinks:::

 



Mom's Junk Mail

My Mom died in 2004.

This past week I got some mail addressed to her.

On the envelope in BOLD letters it stated:

OPEN IMMEDIATELY...TIMELY MATERIAL.

I didn't open it.

 

The couple shown above died this morning on the way to the hospital to deliver their first baby.

 

The baby survived.

 

I'm guessing the picture was taken on their wedding day.

 

 

Three events.

 

 

One sad. (soon to be parents dead)

 

Two happy. (the wedding being one....the idea that the baby doesn't have to grow up and call this freak 'Dad' being the other.)

 

 

 

 



Making an old joke timely.

Two elephants are sitting in a bathtub.

The first elephant says to the other: "Please pass the soap."

The other elephant replies: "No pope, radio!"

The Devil didnt wear Prada at the Oscars

My top was made of the finest white cotton blends by H'anes of North Carolina.

My lower half was covered by a durable blue denim designed by L. Strauss of San Francisco.

Accessories by W'Ud Eva Wuz Layin'Rou'nd.