The Smirk

So I'm doing some Google Image Searches the other day.

I type in SMIRK.

What I thought would be the first hit, WAS the first hit.

I was happy with myself.

So I asked Hoag what he thought would be the first hit.

Hoag instantly gets the correct answer.

I then ask Cousin Saul.

He gets it right in a nano second.

I ask a few male customers.

They don't hesitate. They all get it right.

I get home.

I ask Wifey.

A blank look on her face.

I ask future Wifey.

Nothing.

I ask my daughter.

Blank stare.

I come into work the next day and ask a few more women.

"If you google image search SMIRK what's the first thing that comes up?"

None of them have a clue...mostly lame guesses.

I tell the women the correct answer.

Bruce Willis.

One of them actually says to me "I haven't thought about Bruce Willis in twenty years."

What????

I can't think of a day when I haven't thought of Bruce Willis.

And that my friends is the difference between men and women.

::smirk::

I don't like the band RUSH

 

Last night I was watching the 2013 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony.

 

The last act to be inducted was RUSH.

 

I don't like RUSH.

 

Never have.

 

But I decided to watch them anyhow.

 

There are three guys in the band RUSH.

 

The drummer is awesome and he writes the lyrics (something about Tom Sawyer in one of the songs)

 

But just cuz the drummer has a bit of talent doesn't mean I like the band RUSH...cuz I don't.

 

I don't like RUSH.

 

(You already see where this is going, dontcha?)

 

Then I started paying attention to the lead guitar player.

 

The guy was doing stuff on a guitar that I really didnt know was possible.

 

I never really saw or listened to RUSH before...sometimes they'd pop up on the radio or somthing.

 

I never cared for them. Just cuz the lead guitar was amazing doesn't mean I like RUSH. I don't like RUSH. Never have.

 

Then I started to pay attention to the lead singer/bass player.

 

The dude kinda makes the bass guitar cool. He also was doing stuff that I never really saw a guitar player do.

 

And his voice? Distinctive.

 

Good? I have no clue. He sings rock and roll songs.

 

Does it matter if it's good?

 

I don't like RUSH in spite of the drummer being amazing (and writing the lyrics), the guitar player outplaying most other guitar players and a bass player that is the lead singer (he does have a cool name...Geddy Lee)

 

But I don't like RUSH.

 

I'll never buy any RUSH music or see them in concert.

 

Just because they are awesome doesn't mean I have like them.

 

I never liked RUSH, never will.

 

How the heck did they get in the Hall of Fame?

 

 

 



ixnay on handshaking-ay

So this guy comes in the shop the other day and offers out his hand to shake with me.

Here is the conversation that follows:

ME: "Nah...I don't shake hands."

HIM: "Why...ya got that germ phobia?"

ME: "Nope."

HIM: "So why won't you shake my hand?"

ME: "You're black."

HIM: "Actually I'm more brown."

ME:  ::::fistbump::

---

Six seconds of awesome.

Happy Birthday, Dinkweed!

Your new favorite baseball player of all time!

Have you ever said something that you instantly wished you could take back?

Last night it happened to me.

I was sitting at a restaurant bar finishing up my dinner.

The bartender approached me.

Here is the conversation:

BARTENDER: "Would you like another beer?"

ME: "Negatory, Big Ben!"



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I'm now quoting bad songs from the 1970s to bartenders.

Conan

KID: "Look...Conan O'Brien has his own comic!"

DAD: "Different Conan....that's the barbarian."

KID: "Huh?"

The Homeless Guy

So this homeless guy is standing outside of my shop.

Long beard.

Dirty clothes.

Flood pants.

Flip-flops on his filthy feet.

Long fingernails.

Tattered shopping bags stuffed with newspapers.

You know, homeless.

Did I mention I put a large box of record albums outside today for FREE?

The Homeless Guy spots said records.

FREE RECORDS!

And what does he do?

He starts taking the records out of the sleeves and inspecting them for scratches.

CUSTOMER: "Do you have the tin dog from Doctor Who?"

ME: "Sorry...we're all sold out of the tin dog."

Boston Marathon

So who won the race?

Play Ball! (kinda)

Roger Ebert

ME: "Roger Ebert died."

POSSIBLY CLINKY: "Was he the fat one or the bald one?"

Lady Liberty

A lady comes in today.

Here is the conversation.

LADY: "Do you have any low numbered tables?
ME: "A what?"

LADY: "A low numbered table."

ME: "You mean like a bargain table?"

LADY: "No...a low numbered table. A table with a low number."

ME: "I don't know what that is...I've never heard that expression before. Do you mean a table with things marked down low?"

LADY: "No...a low numbered table."

ME: "I don't have any low numbered tables right now."

LADY: "I'll bring that package in soon."

ME: "What package?"

LADY: "Remember when I came in dressed like Lady Liberty and I said I had a package for you?"

ME: "Yes."

LADY: "Maybe I'm dreaming."

ME: "Maybe."

------


(She actually came in a  month ago dressed up like the broad in the picture...She was 'working' for Liberty Tax...I didn't recognize her without her torch)

When is a gun not a gun? When it's ajar.

GAL: "Hey look, Marge....records! Remember these?"

MARGE: "Yes."

GAL: "What did we call them?"

MARGE:  "44's"

The Incredible Hulk

So I'm flipping thru an old issue of The Incredible Hulk  and in it is a panel of The Hulk kinda talking to himself.

He says something like: "Bah! Why do puny humans bother Hulk?"

 I thought about it for a second or two.

They bother you Hulk, cuz you're an asshole.

Always smashing things. And stuff.

Quit being a dink and maybe they won't 'bother' you anymore.

I'm on the bandwagon (Baa!)

Key-Rhist!

GUY: "Hi...do you know where I can get a key made?"

ME: "Yes...there is a locksmith four blocks down THAT way."

GUY: "Thanks...I'll go the other way...it's not as far."

----



(I'm thankful that we have the word dinkweed)

I'm so cool...I swear a lot in this post!

I was reading an article today about snack time at the White House.

The article featured the above picture.

A picture of a little boy in suit and a little girl in her cotillion dress.

(I hope those kids get bullied BIG TIME!)

But that's not why I'm writing.

I'm writing cuz it's SNACK TIME at The Fucking White House and the goddamn Obama's put out a fucking bowl of apples!!!

For snacks!!

I love apples, don't get me wrong...but for SNACK TIME??? At the White House???

And look at MOOchelle's giddy smile?

"I'm promoting healthy eating!"

FUCK OFF!

It's snack time at the Goddamn White House and you put out goddamn apples for kids.

They want candy.

Bush would have put out candy.

And not healthy candy.

Candy candy.

The one time those kids get to go to the fucking White House and they get fucking apples.

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(a special thanks to Cousin Saul for the term Moochelle)

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