The Incredible Hulk

So I'm flipping thru an old issue of The Incredible Hulk  and in it is a panel of The Hulk kinda talking to himself.

He says something like: "Bah! Why do puny humans bother Hulk?"

 I thought about it for a second or two.

They bother you Hulk, cuz you're an asshole.

Always smashing things. And stuff.

Quit being a dink and maybe they won't 'bother' you anymore.

I'm on the bandwagon (Baa!)

Key-Rhist!

GUY: "Hi...do you know where I can get a key made?"

ME: "Yes...there is a locksmith four blocks down THAT way."

GUY: "Thanks...I'll go the other way...it's not as far."

----



(I'm thankful that we have the word dinkweed)

I'm so cool...I swear a lot in this post!

I was reading an article today about snack time at the White House.

The article featured the above picture.

A picture of a little boy in suit and a little girl in her cotillion dress.

(I hope those kids get bullied BIG TIME!)

But that's not why I'm writing.

I'm writing cuz it's SNACK TIME at The Fucking White House and the goddamn Obama's put out a fucking bowl of apples!!!

For snacks!!

I love apples, don't get me wrong...but for SNACK TIME??? At the White House???

And look at MOOchelle's giddy smile?

"I'm promoting healthy eating!"

FUCK OFF!

It's snack time at the Goddamn White House and you put out goddamn apples for kids.

They want candy.

Bush would have put out candy.

And not healthy candy.

Candy candy.

The one time those kids get to go to the fucking White House and they get fucking apples.

----


(a special thanks to Cousin Saul for the term Moochelle)

(

New Pope!

Pawn Store

GUY: "There used to be a pawn store around here...do you know where it is?"

ME: "They closed years ago."

GUY: "The man down the street said there is a pawn store right around here."

ME: "He's wrong."

GUY: "It's where the old pawn store used to be."

ME: "There was never a pawn store on this block."

GUY: "Yes there was...I've been in it!"

ME: "You've been in a pawn store here?"

GUY: "Yes, back when they sold videos."

ME:  "OH!!!! A Porn store!!!"

GUY: "Yes, that's what I said."

Menu Antics

Last night we went out to eat with another couple.

 

One of my favorite things to do in a restaurant is eat.

 

One of my other favorite things to do in a restaurant is to engage the waitress with stupid.

 

Here is the conversation after the waitress explained the specials.

 

 

WAITRESS:  "So if you have ANY questions about the menu just ask!"

 

ME: "Where did you get it printed?"

 

WAITRESS:  :::blinks:::

 



Mom's Junk Mail

My Mom died in 2004.

This past week I got some mail addressed to her.

On the envelope in BOLD letters it stated:

OPEN IMMEDIATELY...TIMELY MATERIAL.

I didn't open it.

 

The couple shown above died this morning on the way to the hospital to deliver their first baby.

 

The baby survived.

 

I'm guessing the picture was taken on their wedding day.

 

 

Three events.

 

 

One sad. (soon to be parents dead)

 

Two happy. (the wedding being one....the idea that the baby doesn't have to grow up and call this freak 'Dad' being the other.)

 

 

 

 



Making an old joke timely.

Two elephants are sitting in a bathtub.

The first elephant says to the other: "Please pass the soap."

The other elephant replies: "No pope, radio!"

The Devil didnt wear Prada at the Oscars

My top was made of the finest white cotton blends by H'anes of North Carolina.

My lower half was covered by a durable blue denim designed by L. Strauss of San Francisco.

Accessories by W'Ud Eva Wuz Layin'Rou'nd.

Fail to the Chief

So last week me and the Hoag go out for buddy nite.

We order a drink and start talking.

We are sitting there with our coats on for a bit. Hoag stands up and starts taking his jacket off.

He has a slight smirk on his face.

He puts the jacket on the back of chair and kinda turns around.

I BURST OUT LAUGHING!

Hard laughter in a crowded restaurant.

Hoag is wearing a sweater with the presidential seal embroidered over the breast area.

He's trying to be all nonchalant about it.

Nobody else for the next three hours said a word about it.

I just kept laughing. I'm picturing him golfing with Barack.

Maybe ya had to have been there....

It rhymes with Moffice Mee-po

So I need something for the shop.

I look online.

Their website keeps timing out on me so I decide to just call them and order on the phone.

Simple, right?

First I get the Computer Voice when I call.

I end up shouting at her prompts.

I hate her within seconds.

I get a real live person.

She asks my name.

She asks what she can do for me.

I tell her that I would like to order something.

She asks for my account number.

I tell her that I don't have an account number.

She tells me that she will check anyhow in case I forgot.

I assure her that I've NEVER had an account with them.

She tells me she will check anyhow.

I tell her that I will try somewhere else.

::slam::

Candy Bar Wrapper Instructions

I have a candy bar.

On the candy bar wrapper it has instructions on how to open it.

I'm pretty sure I would have figured it out without said instructions.

But that's not the funny part about this candy bar wrapper.

This candy bar wrapper has instructions on how to CLOSE said wrapper after opening it.

Hahahahahahahah! HA!

I don't be opening no candy bar wrapper to then want to close it.

I'm straight! Not like everybody says... like gay... I'm straight and I want respect!

So last night I went out to eat alone.

It was a place that me and Hoag used to go each week on Buddy Nite.

We were fairly well known there.

Anyhow...

I sit at the bar, order a drink and my food.

A few minutes go by when the friendly bartender/manager gal comes up to me to say hi.

(she was always nice to us)

Here is the conversation:

MAGGIE: "So how are things going?"

ME: "Things are well."

MAGGIE: "Where's your partner tonight?"

ME: "My 'partner' is at home with his wife."

MAGGIE: ::::befuddled::: "Oh, tell him I said Hi."

ME: "Okay."

Hitler is cute?

This morning I was shaving and noticed that my bed head hair looked like Hitler's.

So naturally I took out a black pocket comb and put it under my nose making a little Hitler 'stache for myself.

And then I did what any wannabe Hitler would do...I took out my iPhone and took a picture of myself looking like ol' Uncle Adolf.

Then I texted the picture to Wifey.

Here is here reply:

WIFEY: "Cute."

---

So to sum up:

My goose-steppin' wife thinks Hitler is cute!!

Heil Hockey!

Heil Hockey!

RIP Reg (you made EVERYTHING groovy)

Planned Improv

 

So this guy comes in the other day to buy a gift.

 

He brings it to the counter.

 

Here is the conversation:

 

HIM: "Do you wrap?"

 

ME: "No...but I'd be happy to sing the blues."

 

HIM: "I get that."

 

ME: "I've had that line in the ready room for years."

Kate Winslet's nipples.

 

So we watched the movie THE READER last night.

 

Here is the conversation this morning:

 

 

ME: "Do you think Kate Winslet is attractive?"

 

WIFEY: "Yes, but I don't like her nipples."

 

ME: "What's wrong with her nipples?"

 

WIFEY: "They're kinda black."

 

---

 

 

You'll have to google to see Kate Winslet's nipples...or watch the movie.

 

Or start dating her.

 

Or something.