Years ago I had this friend named Dwayne. Nice guy, but dumb as can of retards. He said stuff like "baseballs aren't round" and claimed his dog could outrace a car. He always thought he was the King of the Pool and Leader of the Pack. He was neither the former or the latter. Or was he the latter and not the former? Maybe he was the former but not the latter. Whatever....he was an idiot.
So anyhow one night he fell asleep (passed out) and me and Hoag took a couple of Marks-A-Lot® permanent markers and wrote on Dwayne's back. Stupid stuff. Embarrassing stuff: I LOVE THE MARINES, I'M A CHUBBY FELLOW, and other ridiculous stuff. And then we told everyone never to mention it to him. We even told his Dad. Everyone agreed.
The next three weeks we made sure we just hung around the pool where we could just laugh behind his back. I think we even took a trip to the ocean so countless thousands of people could make fun of this dolt. He never knew. For three stinkin' weeks we just laughed and laughed and he never had a clue as to why.
Morals of the story?
1. Marks-A-Lot® brand permanent markers only last about three weeks on skin if you swim a lot.
2. Look at your back in a mirror once in a while.
3. The former is always more important than the latter (whichever one that is)
Here...hold this
ReplyDeleteSure Gail....anything else you need done?
ReplyDeleteIf you'd used a Sharpie®, it would've lasted at least six weeks.
ReplyDeleteSharpies® are dead to me. Plus they didin't exist back then.
ReplyDeleteThey've been around since the early sixties.
ReplyDeleteLoser.
Did Dwayne ever hook up with Gail? They sound like they'd be a lovely couple.
ReplyDeleteCake,
ReplyDeleteHmmmm. A Sharpie lasts six weeks? How long do you think it would take Nooprah to notice if I wrote "I Heart Hillary" on his back?
And just as a warning, the Former should never ever walk under the Latter-it's bad luck.
ReplyDeleteThere's only one way to find out!
ReplyDeleteMake sure to use one of those really fancy silver or gold Sharpies. And dot the "i" with a heart.
You know, really do it up nice.
>>>>>They've been around since the early sixties.<<<<<<<
ReplyDeleteCake:
The story takes place in the 1940s.
Loser.
And to Momenger:
It's better and safer to walk under a latter than under a former. You of all people should know that.
Perhaps it is because I have been "putting up" batches of dill pickles this week, but I am intrigued: Can one truly buy "cans of retards" around here? I used to be able to buy those when I lived in New Hampshire. Regrettably, lately I have only been able to purchase the frozen variety and powdered-in-a-jar (that inferior kind you need to reconstitute).
ReplyDeleteIn a related note, I believe that a can of retards would be smarter than Dwayne--not "dumb as"--eh?
I don't know about cans of retards, but you can buy six packs of organic farm raised retards at Whole Foods. Very expensive, but you can really notice the difference.
ReplyDeleteIANO:
ReplyDeleteWhen I said "the early sixties," I meant the 1860s, of course. L.O.S.E.R.
Lois:
Organic's good, but I really like my retards to be free range...is that an option?
Damn. Wish I could still shop at Whole Foods. I'm banned for life after asking a Shopping Docent, "Where are your Hostess products?"
ReplyDelete"Organic's good, but I really like my retards to be free range...is that an option?"
ReplyDeleteIt is, but they are prohibitively expensive. The farmer has to recopue his costs for the high loss as many of them simpley "free roam" into oncoming traffic.
This is why x-ray vision is the best superpower.
ReplyDeleteI'm impressed with your site, very nice graphics!
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