The Emmy Awards always end with more questions than answers...or something.
1. So Stephen Colbert loses to Barry Manilow. Why are they even in the same category? One does fake news while the other does fake music. Stupid.
2. Were you as relieved as I was that Bob Newhart didn't ended up dying?
3. Were you as touched and saddened as I was when they wheeled out Dick Clark's retarded grandfather?
4. Weren't you POSITIVE that Farrah Fawcett was gonna embarrass herself?
5. Did you even know Seinfeld was still on the air? And were you surprised to see Elaine win the Emmy?
6. Hollywood really shined last night, huh?
7. Were you surprised by Mel Gibson's comment about how happy he was that a nice Catholic boy like Conan O'Brien was hosting the show instead of a filthy Jew like Jon Stewart?
8. Were you surprised that there wasn't even a single mention of Katie Couric taking over the Nightly News and the excitement that is sweeping over America?
9. Who the hell is Emmy?
So: I'm hijacking your blog again. I'm not bad; I'm just drawn that way. At least it's not a recipe.
ReplyDeleteEmmy Schmemmys, ho effin' hum. Can we please hit rewind and discuss Gal Roller Derby some more?! For...it is BRILLIANT!
1) How was the concession stand/refreshments?
2) At 41, am I too old to be a Roller Derby Queen? I fear so, and yet I frequently wear fishnet stockings (part of my work uniform--yes, I'm a fisherman) and I have my name picked out: Pepilepsy Pixie. See, I'm dressed up like a pep squad gal, except I fall down and have fake seizures--tripping my competitors up and causing them to fall all akimbo in a huge, betattooed pig pile. Then I nimbly wriggle out and skate away to glory, laughing maniacally.
3) Okay, yeah. I'm too old. Way too old. How about "Granny Guttermouth," then? I scoot around the rink in my wheelchair, cursing and sending my competitors into a huge, betattooed pig pile?
4) Damn, am I old. The last concert I went to was X and Henry Rollins, and I felt like I was babysitting. Great concert, though, and at least X and Henry are all older than me.
5) The Emmys are named after Emmy Lou Harris or Emile Zola. I forget which.
I missed the Emmys, loser that I am.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm afraid I wouldn't make a very good roller derby gal, either. I think being able to roller-skate is probably up there on the list of qualifications.
Damnit!
Hey Sparkle,
ReplyDeleteIf you want to discuss Roller Derby you'll have to leave comments down there...yeah there....under the blog about Roller Derby.
(It had you written all over it)
But I can discuss it here, right? Since I'm not Sparkle?
ReplyDeleteCool.
So what music did they play? Was it loud? Did you dance?
(Ha.)
Bushwah. Away with your rinky-dink blogospheric filing system! Go ahead and put my scofflawian malfeasance on my permanent record.
ReplyDeleteFor the record: What about midget wrestling? Can I talk about midget wrestling here? If it was nominated for an Emmy award (and beat Barry Manilow)?
And, thank you, Royal Cakiness! It's always good to get back-up--especially when I'm in the wrong...
ReplyDeleteRoller Derby Names for Royal Cakiness
Pammy Poundyoucake
Alma Angelofdeathcake
Desiree Devilyoucake
Obligatory Emmy comment: Loved the speech from "Office" writer who listed all the people he *didn't* want to thank.
ReplyDeleteNow....
I can't roller skate either. Maybe we can form our own roller skating impaired roller derby team. We could ride Segways or something.
I'll be Lois Fastlane. And we'll have a midget on our team. Maybe two. I actually met a Native American midget this weekend. She was dressed in fringe, beads and feathers. I was at a pow wow. I'm not sure why.
I wonder if she can roller skate...
You can't roller skate in a buffalo herd....
ReplyDeleteWe'll put the herd on roller-skates too.
ReplyDeleteI love when you don't 'get' something.
ReplyDeleteLois Fastlane:
ReplyDeleteCan you please tell Captain Butler I ain't listening to him?
Thanks!
Desiree Devilcake
Sparkle,
ReplyDelete"Scofflawian malfeasence?" I don't even know what that MEANS, and I still love it!
And I'm afaid I may be a little old to be a Roller Derby chick too-besides, I don't want to get a tatoo. Or become a Lesbian.
So THERE nooprah-we'll talk about the Emmys whenever WE want to-even on YOUR space.
However, since this IS your blogesphere, I too thought Farrah Fawcett was going to embarrass herself. Bummer. She should've gotten in touch with Anna Nicole Smith before she went on stage. And Stephen Cobert? Brilliant.
Please note that my post published approximtely 3 times. It wasn't me. Swear. It was my Not Even Ready for The Special Olympics computer, which kept telling me "my attempt to load blah blah blah" failed.
ReplyDeleteGUESS WHAT RETARDED COMPUTER!!!!! IT DIDN"T FAIL!!!! If you were my child, I'd put you up for adoption.
Captain, Cake ain't listening to you.
ReplyDeleteAnd in all honestly, I'm probably better suited to watching an awards show than being in the roller derby. I'm definitely too old to become a lesbian.
Only actually saw part of the show--was watching HBO or reading for most of the night. Will watch on tape tonight or later in the week, fast forwarding to the good stuff (the Bob Newhart gag sounds funny).
And I had to Google "roller skate and buffalo herd". Knew it sounded vaguely familiar but didn't know why.
Noone wants to read my comments even ONCE-let alone the same thing three times. Make at least two of them go away nooprah.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Lois...on both counts. I owe you some popcorn-filled-brownies.
ReplyDeleteSo we can't skate. So I'm old. So I'm still refusing to talk about the Emmys. So what.
ReplyDeleteHere's Our All-Star Team (maybe Nooprah can be the manager if he plays his cards right and stops being such a closed-minded file clerkian stickler prissy puss)
Desiree Devilyoucake
Lois Fastlane
Natasha Knockyoudown (closest I could come to retrofitting Bemisdown...I'm rusty)
Granny Guttermouth
And, of course you can't rollerskate in a buffalo herd, and you can't drive around with a tiger in your car--but you can be happy, if you've a mind to!
Woo-hoo! Pepilepsy Pixie will ROLL! Well, actually, she'll roll once I take the training wheels off my roller skates, and...aw, fergit it. I'm sticking with Guttermouth Granny and the motorized wheelchair. That way, I can relax in comfort and eat hot, buttered popcorn while mowing down the competition.
ReplyDeleteHow 'BOUT them Emmys?!
And motheragawd just joined the team as captain.
ReplyDeleteI think her nom de rink should be:
The Divine Demolisher
I bet NoOprah comes back and cries like a baby when he sees all the roller derby talk...poor guy.
ReplyDeleteMotherofGawd,
ReplyDeleteYou've really seen the Riviters? Did you like the whole 'scene'?
Okay, clearly double negative Oprah is on board, so he can join the team (after all, he likes Chicago AND there was that incident of the "teal speedo").
ReplyDeleteI dunno...we're letting boys on the team now?
ReplyDeleteHe'll want his own changing room, he'll probably object to wearing a short skirt and fishnets...it'll be a whole world of trouble!
He WON'T want his own changing room.
ReplyDeleteYou know...I posted that comment, logged out, turned my computer off...and then had that exact same thought.
ReplyDeleteWE'D want him to have his own changing room...is that more accurate?