1. We don't want candy with razors in them.
2. We don't want one of those litle boxes that contain two...maybe three Milk Duds (Though we like Milk Duds)
3. We don't want one of those little boxes with two...maybe three DOTS in them (Though we like DOTS)
4. We don't want Dum Dums. They are for losers.
5. We don't want pennies.
6. Candy Corn. We love it...but not from you on Halloween.
7. Nothing homemade. Unless it has the words Pork and Chop in it.
8. We don't want white chocolate. EVER.
9. We don't want non-name brands.
10. We don't want anything unless its from the Milky Way, Snickers, Reeses, Hershey, 3 Musketeers, Kit Kat, or Cadbury families.
11. And the ONLY salty thing allowed is the PayDay candy bar.
12. We also don't want any "UNICEF" kids ringing our doorbell.
13. Or anyone past say 7:30.
14. And anyone that has a costume I don't understand. Understand?
15. And I don't want John Kerry, Hillary Clinton, or any of the Kennedys.
For Halloween, I'd really like another movie role.
ReplyDeleteAnd a Snickers bar.
Please. I beg of you. Let me come visit your home. I'm very lonely.
ReplyDeleteI also do not ever want to eat a "mary jane" again. The thought of that bizarre mix of putrid candy-flavors almost makes me sick to even think about it.
ReplyDeleteOne of my favorite Halloween ideas was when I greeted the little trick-or-treaters at my door with a bowl full of baked beans and a serving spoon. The kids had a look of horror as I pretended that I was gonna load up their bag with the beans. Lotsa fun!
ReplyDeletePS. The big disposable razor through the candy bar never disappoints! Always funny!
Teresa suggested I go out trick-or-treating dressed as a horse. I don't get it?!
ReplyDeleteCousin saul suggests that you read my blog. Cousin Steve has a link to it from his blog.
ReplyDeleteCan I have your white chocolate? I love the stuff.
ReplyDeleteCousin Saul has a non-blogger blog?
ReplyDeleteIs it filled with candy and baked beans??
Is the link over there on the right hand side?
as a kid, i had a particular hatred for any jerk that attempted to give me an apple on halloween.
ReplyDeleteafter reading this, i have the incredible urge to give out "catsup" packets this year. those little scamps love catsup!
ReplyDeleteAfter Cousin Sauls giving out of Baked Beans...one year I gave out boxes of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.
ReplyDeleteThe teenagers loved it.
We don't want you to lure us into your house with the promise of extra candy and murder us.
ReplyDeleteYes...my blog has a link on the right side of Nooprah's blog
ReplyDeleteOne Halloween my son dressed up as a scarecrow and sat all hunched over on our front doorstep...really looking just like a decoration...and he'd scare the crap out of the trick-or-treaters as they approached the door. Great fun to see all of the urine-stained costumes.
ReplyDeleteIf you read my blog (click the link on Nooprah's site)...try to start at the beginning. I'm hoping it will all make sense by the end of "my story."
ReplyDeletePS. There's NOT a lot of funny stuff in it...some is interesting (or so I've been told) and I'm sure some is boring. Let me know what YOU think!
I almost always dress up as a zombie to give out candy...but I usually ruin the image by cooing over the little kids and complimenting them on their costumes.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure they all go away with very confused ideas about the undead...
>>>>Great fun to see all of the urine-stained costumes.<<<<<<<<<
ReplyDeleteI have a urine stained costume on right now. As usual.
So you're dressed as a Yankees fan?
ReplyDeleteHey, when it comes to urine-stained costumes, EVERY day is Halloween for a Yankees fan!
ReplyDeleteI'd rather have white chocolate than rice cakes. Who the hell gives out rice cakes? This is 2006, fah chrissake!
-- Lamont Cranston
"Sal's Bar on Felton Street"
ReplyDeleteNo way, I grew up 2 houses from Sal's on Harvard St.
This message has been brought to you by the "It's a Small World Afterall" committee.
For Jak-El's first Halloween, we decided to trick-or-treat for Unicef, since he was too little to eat candy. We dressed him up in a very, very cute bee costume and visited a couple of neighbors.
ReplyDeleteAt the first and second stops, they were delighted and dropped 50-cents in the box.
At the third, our next door neighbor insisted on giving the kid a candy bar. When we said we were actually trick or treating for Unicef, she looked at us skeptically like we were trying to pull some sort of scam.
"Yeah. I dunno...," she said. "I guess." She disappeared for several minutes and returned with a quarter, still looking at us as if we were up to no good. It was disheartening and changed us forever.
So now, screw Unicef. We'll collect candy like everyone else and the starving kids can go knock on doors if they want something to eat like everyone else.
Last year, a couple came to my door with a very young infant in a stroller, sound asleep...and they trick-or-treated.
ReplyDeleteI was so surprised, I gave them candy.
If they come back this year, I'm asking their kid to tell a joke or something...
Best Halloween ever was when my mother went out of control with my costume design. Typically as a child of the 70s and 80s we had those packaged costumes with the mask and the trash bag/poncho from that movie, or TV show (very unoriginal).
ReplyDeleteWe went to Jack’s Smoke Shop on Moody St (a costume/smoke shop?!?!?!) right down the street from NoOprah’s store, and got everything we needed to turn me into a little wolfman. Some sort of brown skin paint, fangs, clawed nails, special effect hair, and spirit gum to stick it on. You heard me; spirit gum.
We had torn a pair of pants and shirt, applied the skin paint to my entire face, arms, and lower legs and then applied the spirit gum and hair to all the painted areas. It looked GREAT! However, getting that spirit gum off of my face, arms, and legs was awful. It took what seemed like a 4 hour bath with so much hard scrubbing that my skin was raw at the end. But it was worth it.
I think this was one of my favorite costumes...I got a lot of very strange looks that year.
ReplyDelete(I swear I'm a gal...though this picture isn't going to help my case next time NoOprah calls me "Mr. Cake." Ah well.)
Bacon Ace & Motheragawd,
ReplyDeleteBemis Ave??? Sounds sorta familiar.
I'm giving out cigarettes this year.
Aaaah good times in the old neighborhood. Waitaminute no they weren't! That place was hell and I'm glad we moved. My mother took me trick or treating in Watertown after the first few years because there was no way we were knocking on doors in that neighborhood anymore.
ReplyDeleteJust think, I may have knocked on your door once or twice.
P.S. I was the white kid in the neighborhood. You may have seen me once or twice.
Cake,
ReplyDeleteThat costume's a little scary.
Let me guess... Walter Mattheau when he was young?
"I'm giving out cigarettes this year."
ReplyDeleteAll the smokes you confiscated from students?
"Bacon Ace,
Yeah, that neighborhood sucked. But it was MY sucky neighborhood.And I trick- or-treated all the way down Felton Street. Talk about SCARY..."
I did too, but I was smart enough to stop ;-) Then again, I didn't realize that Sal's was giving out Pizza.
Bemisdown:
ReplyDeleteI have no idea what I was dressed as! Overweight Charlie Chaplin? Walter Matthau? Who knows!
But, oh my god, the double-takes when people opened their doors...totally worth it.
Cake,
ReplyDeleteI had to look at it again-it's cracking me up! I wanna steal it and be THAT, whatever it is, for Halloween!
My Dad painted the eyes on my cheeks so I couldn't look up without ruining the illusion...but I somehow got through the evening without braining myself on an overhanging branch or anything. Ha!
ReplyDeleteWanna git me a trailer in some fancy park
ReplyDeleteWith clean runnin water and lights when its dark
Got my eye on a gal who I'd treat like a queen
But I just gotta wait until she turns 14
AWESOME SONG!!!!!
ReplyDeleteSOMEBODY'S a heck of a songwriter!
Cake,
ReplyDeleteNow I'm little curious about your dad...
And a roll?
ReplyDeleteI'll take a Jelly Roll please.
ReplyDeleteBemisdown - after your latest blog entry, we are watching you and your family very closely.
ReplyDeleteFirst it's pet deaths, then ex-boyfirend's, then the whole serial killings begin! We are going to nip this one in the bud before it gets out of hand!
(Pam Anderson's packing right now. You might want to discard of that fur coat before she arrives.)
yeah! What my friend Pete just said!
ReplyDeleteYou bet ya!