As you probably know there are 'rules' about urinals. Never stand next to someone if you don't have to. Always keep your eyes straight ahead. No talking. No more than three shakes. Flush urinal with left elbow. And never ever ever glance down and to the side.
Years ago one of those rules got broken. Here is that story.
I'm standing at the urinal when this guy saunters up to the urinal next to me and starts to urinate (Thats what we do at urinals) and for some reason that God only knows, I glanced down and to the left. I NEVER GLANCE DOWN. I NEVER LOOK TO THE SIDES.
The guy next to me had the largest, thickest penis ever seen on planet earth. It was gigantic. It was dangerous. It was like something hanging in the window of a deli.
How the heck this guy walks I have no idea. How he keeps it hidden from humans I have no idea. It truly was a specimen. It was scary big.
And I still remember it. And I don't really want to. But it was that big.
And I've never ever once looked down and to the sides again.
I think.
(It's kinda sad that somewhere that dude is telling a similar story except he's not mentioning that my penis looks like something hanging at deli counter.)
Hmmm.
ReplyDeleteThis appears to contradict the advice you gave me on how to use a urinal, in a blog back in October, which included this point:
7. Quick look to the urinal to your left to see what the dude using it is packin'
What've you got to say for yourself?
Busted !!
ReplyDeleteMy favorite thing to do at a urinal (aside from urinating) is to say "Hey buddy nice watch". Think about it for a minute ladies.
ReplyDeleteThanks, you're not too shabby yourself ;-)
ReplyDelete1) Why no more than three shakes?
ReplyDelete2) I was in a stallion corral once. The mares nook was occupied (for five hours...as usual). Thought I'd locked the stallion corral. It wasn't locked. Had a visitor. Still haven't decided if that moment was more or less horrifying than when I was wearing a short skirt and a tail of (unbesmirched) toilet paper was dangling from my pantyhose.
3) A friend was in a stallion corral with a group of friends, doing something festive involving an herbal substance (not making a wreath). One of the group, a young woman, was mystified: "These are really weird water bubblers! How do they work?" True story.
Since I now live in Florida, I noticed that most people wear flip-flops or sandals, so one of my favorite gags is to bring a small squirtgun filled with water with me. When I use a urinal, I discreetly squirt the guy's feet with the squirtgun. I've gotten some hysterical reactions.
ReplyDeleteAfter I do that I always lie and tell people it was a squirt gun.
ReplyDeleteHA!
ReplyDeletePhil Donahue's Niece just won the first annual November 10th prize for funniest comment posted on IANO.
ReplyDeleteYou're a peeker?
ReplyDeleteI think Motheragawd had better get the runner-up award for funniest comment today...cuz hers just made me giggle out loud.
ReplyDelete(And it's true, which is worth bonus points!)
Ah, Phil Donahue's Niece is brilliant once again, and verily, I see that Motheragawd's word is good (and truthiness incarnate!). Yet, in the Slapstick Division, Cousin Saul gets my vote.
ReplyDeleteUrinals are obviously more fun than your standard issue private Ladies Room stalls. I need to do some investigating.
ReplyDeleteDoes anyone have a penis I can borrow?
Just for a day. Promise to give it right back.
Bemis:
ReplyDeleteYou just need to pay a visit to your local deli counter.
Cake,
ReplyDeleteGood advice. But what if the guy next to me looks to the left and notices I'm packin' a mild Italian sausage?
Nooprah can unzip his testacles to watch Dancing With the Stars...he can live without his penis for a day in the interest of serious research.
Motheragawd,
ReplyDeleteJust to get off the subject of Nooprah's penis for a moment (JUST for a moment Mr. No)....
Do you have my e-mail address?
Mmmm...pulled pork...
ReplyDelete(too far?)
Sparkle Plenty said...
ReplyDelete1) Why no more than three shakes?
More than three shakes is playin' with it.
I usually jus' wipe it off on the guy standing on my right.