All you need to know about Women's Roller Derby

I went last night...here is all you need to know.

THE PLAYERS:

(This isn't all of them...just the most clever)
Crazy Dukes
Iron Maidenform
Hysterica
HelaSkelter
Stevie Kicks
Hyper Lynx
Sweey Cheery Pie
Surly Temple
and my favorite...
Suzy Hot Rod

THE REFEREES:

Ben D. Rules
Jeff R. Ree

THE CROWD:
Lesbians
Lesbians
Me and Clinky
Lesbians

The Uniforms:
Fishnets (I LOVE ME THE ROLLER DERBY!)
Little Shorts.
Little Skirts.
Tattoos
Body Piercings

The Game:
The Riviters kicked Gotham Gals ass.

Would I go again?:
D'uh....girls in fishnets on roller skates. Big yes!

Chicago or busts?

So last night I decide to pop in the dvd of Chicago I've had kicking around. Richard Gere, Catharine Zeta-Jones, Renee Zellwiger. Dancing, singing, costume changes, big production numbers!

I'm loving it!

Probably too much.

And tonight I'm going to Women's Roller Derby. Really. Scantily clad Roller Derby broads. And fights. Hot chicks fighting hot chicks while on roller skates! And hot dogs and popcorn and coke (oh my). And I'm gonna drive there fast....cursing out people, flipping the bird. I'll be spitting as needed. Possibly a burp or two. I might even take up two spots in the parking garage. I'm a man and it's my world.

I am SO gonna over compensate for loving CHICAGO.

Goering and the 'Coons

Ever hear of Hermann Goering? Well, he was one Hitler's most trusted and how shall we say it...most flamboyant of Generals. He liked to wear makeup. Frilly undergarments. Dresses and flashy coats. Did up his fingernails. All sorts of girlie things. And he was a very LARGE man so he didn't even look hot when dressed up. And he was the head of the air force. Depleted just about every museum of their paintings. Freakish, crossdressin,' thievin' Luftwaffe General. But Adolf liked him...maybe cuz Hitler knew he'd look normal in comparison. Or maybe they just swapped dresses and recipes.


So anyhow in the 1930s Goering decided to release a pair of raccoons ('coons are from North America...or so Hoagy tells me) into the German wilderness to "enrich the Reich's fauna." and now decades later Germany is crawling with raccoons.

Hitler hated raccoons.



The point of the story?
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to release raccoons into prewar Germany and you'll have the Germans feeding raccoons for centuries.

(A special thanks to Hoagy for sending me an email about Goering and the Raccoons....without that email this post would not have been possible.)

You aint no planet

From the AP wire services:

"PRAGUE, Czech Republic (Aug. 24) - Leading astronomers approved historic new planet guidelines Thursday -- downsizing Earth's neighborhood from nine principal heavenly bodies to eight by demoting distant Pluto."

This is just Goofy.

Life on Planet Frito

I think all sane people can agree that Frito Brand Corn Chips are the quintessential salted snack food (followed closely by Mister Salty Pretzels and Planters Cashews)

Now take a look at that bag of Fritos that are on your desk. Hopefully you have the regular Fritos and not the Frito Scoops (though Frito Scoops are actually better)...on the bag is a picture of like 8 or 9 corn chips and in small lettering on the bag it states: IMAGE IS ENLARGED TO SHOW TEXTURE.

Are we really buying Fritos for their texture? Don't we buy sofas and sweaters for their texture? We buy Fritos for their goodness. Their salty goodness.

So anyhow I became mesmerized by that image of enlarged Fritos Brand Corn Chips and their texture. I scanned in the bag to my computer and enlarged the image a bit more. And saw roads.

I enlarged it a bit more and saw buildings and mountains and malls. I kept enlarging the image more and more and I saw entire towns and cities and people and cars and rivers. Each tasty Frito is a world of it's own.

And on each Frito the people look human and American. And everyone drives new cars and is attractive and rich. And on Planet Frito there is only one snack food and it is made of corn and chips. It's a wonderful world. People are happy.

Today I'm gonna kill about 60 Planet Fritos and all of their inhabitants.

Sorry.

Naughty Bits

These are all true things, but by themselves aren't quite worthy (HA!) of a complete blog.

1. I had to borrow a formal winter coat from Hoag for this funeral.... I'm standing at the gravesite grieving when I put my hands in the pockets. Every pocket was just jammed with condoms. (See? Not worthy of a full blog)

2. When Cousin Saul goes to Disney World he insists on asking Disney employees where Shamu is and when is his next performance. When said employee informs him that Shamu is at Sea World Cousin Saul then asks again but now with a blank stare on his face.

3. As a kid my whole family was going to Disneyland but before we went we stopped at the local 7-11 for some candy. When we got to Disneyland (over an hour away) my Mom asked what one of us did with our candy wrapper. When informed that said wrapper was discarded on parking lot Mom turned around and drove back to make the culprit pick up wrapper.

4. Once while playing poker at my Moms house, Mom informed us it was time for dinner....when nobody answered or paid her any attention she proceeded to dump the large pot of spaghetti and sauce all over our poker table. I lost with two pair.

5. Cousin Saul once won everything (EVERYTHING) I owned in a poker game.

6. Clinky once worked at my store while I was away...when I returned every piece of product in the store was turned upside down.

7. The first time I went to buy condoms I was very nervous about it and never wanted to have buy them again because of some weird embarrassment....so I bought about 300 of them. Anyone need 298 condoms?

8. In New York City Hoag once got caught looking through a fence as two people fornicated and was then called a 'jive turkey' by a passerby. He's always been kinda proud of that.

9. I once got caught smoking pot in the auditorium during freshmen year of High School. I did what any kid would do...I passed the joint to the teacher who finished it off with me. She was pretty cool.

10. I once slept with one of Hoags girlfriends but never told him.

11. I once got notification in the mail that there was an outstanding warrant out for my arrest. Turns out I didn't return some library books. Really.

12. I made up #10

By themselves lame, together a masterpiece.

My non-funny Rodney Dangerfield story.

So back in the 1980s me and The Hoag go down to New York City for some secret mission and while down there we decide to go see Rodney Dangerfield perform at a little place around 61st street called Dangerfield's. Rodney owned this little restaurant/club thingy and we thought it would be cool.

It was this small club that maybe sat 100 people, tiny little tables to eat on, and steaks to die for.

But there was one hitch....for some reason Rodney didn't feel like performing on this particular night and up came Larry Storch (Cpl. Agarn on the old F-Troop show)....now I don't know about you, but seeing Larry Storch instead of Rodney just wasn't gonna cut it. But we had no choice. Luckily the steaks were good. Steaks are always good when things are going bad.

And then it happened. Half way through Agarns set, guess who sat next to us? Yup. Rodney.

And he's got a gorgeous babe at his side. Bottle of hooch on the table. Chain smoking cigarettes. Eating beef. Makin' comments left and right. You know...being Rodney.

At this point we're pretty much not listening to Larry Storch anymore. And then Rodney does something I thought odd. He lights up a joint. Marijuana. Ol' Mary Jane. Reefer. Wacky Weed. And then hands it to Hoag. And Hoag starts sharing a joint with Rodney (At that point in time Hoag doesn't smoke pot)....and then hands it to me. Well I don't smoke pot either, but certainly don't want to disrespect Rodney Dangerfield so I take a pretend 'hit' or two and pass it back to Rodney. The whole while Rodney is in character. Shifting his weight around. Eyes bugging out. Looking at chicks.

And then Hoag asks him if he has any cocaine...



And that my friends is my non-funny Rodney Dangerfield story.

Moral of the story:
Don't ever pay to see Larry Storch unless Rodney Dangerfield smokes dope with you.

Brainstorming

I don't usually like to talk about my daughters on this blog because it could get creepy but I'll tell this short story anyhow.

Yesterday I overheard my 20 year old talking on the phone with a friend and she said something like this:

"Let's get together and we'll brainstorm and figure everything out"

Now what kinda retard uses the phrase 'brainstorm'?

My retarded daughter....that's who!


Now I have a question for all of you:

Do you think I'll spend the rest of my life making fun or her for 'brainstorming' or will I just let it quietly fade away sparing her any future embarrassement?

Thank god it wasn't retcin...

I aint feeling too well this morning. Last night I had way, way, WAY too much riboflavin.

Tonight I'm going to a party and I can already tell I'm gonna be hangin' around the niacin platter all night. Hopefully I'll be back on Monday.

My first encounter with Reggie Jackson

I thought today would be a good time to tell this story.

The New York Yankees are in Boston this weekend for 5 gigantic games (actually the games are the same size)... If Sept. 11th had happened during a Yankees/Red Sox series it might have made page 2 of the papers.

For the next 4 days all you'll hear on the news is Yankees this, Red Sox that. Every person you encounter will ask: "What's the score?" or "Did you see that game last night?" or "Posada...what a douchebag, huh?" or "What the heck is a Matsui anyhow?" and on and on. One way or the other it's gonna be glorious.

But not as glorious as that summer of 1978 (look it up) In 1978 Reggie Jackson played right field for the Yankees and was almost as big as the game (figuratively not literally...or do I mean the former or the latter??) Reggie was the most egocentric, self-centered Me. Me. Me player ever. He always referred to himself in the third person...or was it the first person? (maybe it was the former....could be the latter)....folks hated him. But he was good. Real good. Hall of Fame good.

....so anyhow I get tickets for a game at Fenway like everybody who has ever lived in New England gets at one time or another (unless of course your brain is the size of a tea bag)....Section 1 row 2, which sounds like a nice section doesn't it? Well, Section 1 is the worst place to see a game in all of sports. It sucks. You can barely see anything....except the right fielder. And on this particular day, yup...you guessed it...Reggie Jackson was playing right field. For the Yankees. The MFY.

When it's time for the Yankees to take the field in the 1st inning I become Joe Obnoxio and just start hootin' an a hollerin' at Reggie. Every possible thing I can think of I scream at that bastard. Every inning. Every pitch. "REGGIE YOU UGLY BASTARD!!" and "REGGIE YOU SUCK" (clever, huh?) and of course HEY REGGIE... I ENJOYED YOUR MOTHER LAST NIGHT" and the always classic "REGGIE THROWS LIKE A GIRL" and even the absurd "REGGIE IS TICKLISH" and on and on it went. Until finally after about 8 innings Reggie turns around, scans the stands, hears me, sees me, looks me direct in the eye while a HUGE grin appears on his face and then gives me the finger.

I've always loved Reggie Jackson since then. The only Yankee I've ever liked.

(The reason I've always hated the Yankees is because they throw like girls, they suck, they're ugly bastards, I've been with all of their mothers, and they are ticklish.)

JonBenet Ramsey's killer found

It can only be a matter of days before the police catch the real killer of Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman.

More cowbell, less Ted Kennedy

Just a short and to the point tirade against Ted Kennedy.

Free health care. People love that they might get free health care. Ted Kennedy's built his whole (crappy) career on free health care and yet thirty something years later Ted still hasn't gotten anyone free health care. And he never will. Ever.

Do you know why?

Because DOCTORS WONT WORK FOR FREE you big stupid deformed mutant!!!

And does anyone really want to go to a doctor that works for free? I'm sure you'll get the best of treatment from him.

"It could be the cancer....or maybe it's a touch of the gas, take two of these"

More cowbell, less retard.

My wife doesn't read this blog every day (retard), but every month or so she sits down and reads like 20 or 30 posts in a row (retard)....so the other day she tells me that she read a bunch and I decide to ask her a few questions....here is how it went:

ME: So Honey, do you like the blog?

HONEY: Yeah...it's funny but you use the word retard way too much.

ME: Like that comedian on Comedy Central I don't mean retard like people that are born that way...I mean retard in like people like Mel Gibson that become retarded later in life.

HONEY: I don't care...I don't like the word retard. Or stupid. Or large thighs.

ME: You're a retard.

HONEY: No...you are.

ME: Sorry...it's you that are.

HONEY: Nope. You.

ME: Are you retarded?

HONEY: No, but you are.

ME: Me? Retarded? I don't think so.

HONEY: Well you are.

ME: Aint.

HONEY: I think you were born retarded.

ME: I think you were.

HONEY: Nope. You.

ME: You're out of your freakin' retarded mind.

HONEY: You are.

ME: You even look a little retarded.

HONEY: HA! It's you that looks retarded!

ME: Like I was born retarded or became retarded?

HONEY: Both.

ME: You're retarded.

HONEY: You are.

ME: What's for dinner?

HONEY: RetardChow.

ME: Mmmmmmmm....I love RetardChow.

HONEY: I know...that's why I make it for you.

ME: I love you.

HONEY: You're a retard.

ME: You use that word way too much.

HONEY: That's because you're retarded.

ME: I wasn't born retarded.

HONEY: Yes you were.

ME: Are you retarded?

HONEY: Nope...but you are.

ME: *sigh*

HONEY: Are you gonna watch your retarded black and white movies all night?

ME: After all the retards go to bed.

HONEY: Don't call my kids retards.

ME: They're my kids also!

HONEY: Only the retarded one is.

ME: I love you.

HONEY: Don't forget to leave me some money in the morning.

ME: ::muffled voice:: retard.

HONEY: ::climbing the stairs:: Retard.

ME: I HEARD THAT!!!!

HONEY: No you didn't.

ME: How do you know I didn't?

HONEY: Cuz you're retarded.

ME: I love you.

HONEY: I love you too.

KIDS: You're both retarded.

and then I'll take you to this gorgeous restaurant overlooking Boston....

So I mentioned that me and Hoag used to sell stuff at Star Trek conventions.

Here is another story because a gal from New Zealand demanded it.

We were setting up at this one show and needed to get into the dealers room early and the security wouldn't let us for some reason (it was too early? wrong day? The promoter wasn't there?)....now at these shows 'security' usually consisted of three fans with Spock ears and phasers on their waist. WE HAD TO GET IN!

Hoag initiated plan 7. (there is no plan 7...I just made that up)

Plan 7 (no such thing) is when Hoag flirts with some broad to get his way (now called Plan 7) Without getting into trade secrets it worked like a charm and she allowed us inside the room for early set up. Not only will our tables look better than anyone else's because we now have time to properly display things, but our bellies will be full because now we've had time for breakfast. And breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

So now Saturday is winding down and it's time for Hoag to pay up. (I start laughing like Peter Lorre.) This 6' 5" 'security' broad dressed in full Battlestar Galactica regalia shows up at our table expecting Hoag to take her out to dinner at this revolving restaurant overlooking Boston. She thinks she looks hot. (Peter Lorre laugh) She doesn't even for a nano second look hot. And she's pretty dang boring also.

Now if you know Hoag you know there is not even a remote chance that he takes out a 6' 5" boring gal dressed in Battlestar Galactica clothes. So he tells her something about having some emergency at the hospital (Dr. Hoag) but he'll give her a free 8 X 10 glossy photo of Dirk Benedict* tomorrow when she comes by our table ...and surprise surprise....she was just has happy.

Moral of the story:

Never go on date with a chick dressed like someone from Battlestar Galactica (unless she looks like that hot blond in the new Battlestar Galactica and is dressed like her)

Second moral of the story:
Star Trek is WAY cool next to Battlestar Galactica.

(* Dirk Benedict starred in Battlestar Galactica and had dreamy good looks.....though not as dreamy as William Shatner circa 1967)

The Death of JFK

So yesterday I decide to finally watch Oliver Stone's JFK starring Kevin Costner.

Fantastic movie about JFK's assassination and the conspiracy theory that followed. During the movie Stone shows that Kennedy was killed by either: the mob, the Cubans, LBJ, The military industrial complex, Nixon, Tommy Lee Jones, The Russians....in other words it was somebody other than Oswald. But the movie is still brilliant even though Oliver Stone is a raging mental case.

After the movie was over I was kinda obsessed with solving this whole JFK thing and started reading through the Warren Report and other books I have on Kennedy. I freeze framed each frame of the classic Zapruder film over and over and over again....and then I saw it. Right there in front of everyone. How people for 40 years could have missed this is beyond me. Hide in Plain Sight is the phrase.

The precise second the first shot is heard you can clearly see a great white shark chomp down hard on the President's head. And the chomps again.....and then for good measure takes a good sized bite out of Connelly. And if you're good at lip reading like I am, you can also see Jackie O mouth the words "Holy shit...it's a goddamn shark!"

The shark acted alone.

Moral of the story?

Don't drive with the top down in shark infested highways.

I have scientific data to back this up.

Other than robbery victims I'm guessing that most people that get murdered are jerks.

Why else would someone want to kill them?

Bonnie Blakley? Jerk.

Nicole Simpson? Jerk

JFK? Jerk

Lee Harvey Oswald? Jerk

Scott Peterson's wife and unborn baby? Jerks.

Okay so maybe my theory has some holes in it....but for the most part we're....ummmm....I'm mean they... aren't killing nice people.

So I just want to go on the record and thank all of the murderers of jerks.

Thank you Jerk Killers!

A Not So Happy Anniversary

With today being the 5th anniversary of 9-1-1, I remembered. Because who could forget?

Who could forget that cloudy Thursday afternoon when the bombs rained from the sky onto the World Trade Center killing dozens and dozens of people?

Who could forget the missile slamming into the Capitol building (or was it the Treasury building or the Pentagon?) in Washington, DC?

Who could forget Andrew Card racing into that school room informing President Bush of the bombings....and Bush instantly leaping to his feet and barking orders?

Who could forget Ronald Reagan even with his Alzheimers riddled brain rushing to Ground Zero and stone by stone saving countless lives?

Who could forget Al Gore, Michael Moore, and John Kerry with soiled undies under their skirts, all running around screaming "It was Saddam! It was Saddam! We should bomb him back"

Who could forget Ted Kennedy mumbling something about health care and bourbon while the nation burned?

Who could forget that Iran probably had something to do with it also?

Who could ever forget 'Shock and Awe" and the quick end to the war?


Not me...that's who. And neither should you or those dozens that died will have died for nothing.

Code Level Red

The breaking news this morning seems to be that British Intelligence has uncovered a terrorist plot that involves airplanes flying out of London with targets possibly in the United States.

Logan Airport in Boston has increased security and brought in the National Guard. They suggest showing up for your flight at least 2 hours before departure (3 hours if it's an international flight)

A new list of banned carry-on items can be found at www.massport.com (or is it .gov, or .org?) One of the items is hair gel. Can you imagine attacking a city from an airplane with hair gel? It would be messier than a butter fight! If they ban hair gel then the stylists have really won. Or lost. Or something.

Authorities believe the attacks were being planned by 'traditional' terrorists but have not yet ruled out Snakes on a Plane and Mel Gibson working in tandem.

The Democrats support anything to thwart the threat until the threat is actually thwarted and then they will complain about Bush thwarting said threat.

The Coconut Diaries

So one day I'm driving to work and I get this incredible craving for an Almond Joy bar. I call it a Craving Deluxe. I couldn't think of anything else...my eyes are scanning the road for a place to buy me some AJ bars. I'm careening all over the road...I ran over two children (I'm lying about the careening and running over of children) but I'll pretty much do anything at this point for a delicious Almond Joy bar. Or two. Finally after nearly 1/4 of a mile of driving I find a convenience store and my bounty awaits (I've always wanted to use the phrase 'my bounty awaits')

I rush inside and buy two Almond Joy bars with maybe a quick glance at the Mounds bar. I get in my car, drive off and eat two of the most wonderful creations god ever made.

I get to work and the craving is gone. WHEW!

The day goes by without incident until I get back in my car for the drive home. I HAVE TO HAVE THAT MOUNDS BAR I LEFT BEHIND!!!! I want you delicious coconut covered in dark chocolate. I want you BAD! I start my search. Finally after at least a 1/3 of a mile of driving all over town I find you. I buy three of you puppies and wolf you down (not actual puppies...Mounds Bars) I get home and the craving goes back into sleep mode.

This scenario repeats itself for the entire week. Almond Joys in the morning, Mounds at night. I AM A COCONUT JUNKIE!!! It's a disease. It has to be.

About a week later I meet up with Hoag and he gets in my car and says: "So...did you find those coconut air fresheners I left in your car?"

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Be thankful Hoag didn't leave an air freshener that smelled of raccoon.

IANO tip of the day:
Check out that Gene Simmons Family Jewels show on A&E. It's kinda fun.

Let's Have a Butter Fight!

Just a thought.