Everyone knows that when eating an Oreo cookie that you break apart both cookies, eat stuffing, and then finish off cookies.
Let's discuss the proper way of eating other foods...shall we?
1. The Ice Cream Sandwich or better known as 'The friend of millions': Carefully unwrap said sandwich. Discard wrapper. In a clockwise fashion run your tongue at least one lap around entire edge tasting the ice cream. After said sandwich is tidy...wolf down. Lick fingers of remains of the chocolate wafer stuff.
2. Pizza: Must be in triangular shape (square slices are for losers) Hold pointed part with tips of all four fingers and thumb and then eat from narrowest to widest. Save crust until last.
3. Hot Dog: Must only be eaten from one end. No exceptions. Hot Dog CANNOT be longer than bun.
4. Taco: Cock head to the left, eat left to right. Pick up scraps with fingers and eat.
5. Steak: Only cut the piece you're about to eat. And always start at the narrowest part of said steak. Only losers cut up the steak into bite size pieces first.
6. McDonalds Apple Pie: eat however you want...just end the dining with a smile of satisfaction.
7. BBQ Back Ribs: One rib at time, fingers licked after each rib, wipe fingers on Hoagy afterwards...back or shoulders only.
8. KFC chicken: Large part of drumstick MUST be on the left side, strip said drumstick of its skin, eat skin, twirl from the right as needed to finish off the skinless chicken. Wipe hands on Hoagy...back or shoulders only.
9. Spaghetti: Twirl spaghetti on fork, shove in mouth making sure dangling spaghetti leaves a satisfying sauce stain on chin....wipe with back of hand. Wipe on Hoagy...back or shoulders only.
So many more...so little time.
mcdonald's apple pie filling is quite possibly the hottest substance in the known universe. instructions should include the use of asbestos mouth gear.
ReplyDeletePopcorn.
ReplyDeleteMust be eaten with extra butter and lots of salt, one to three pieces at a time (never toss a whole mouthful in; you can't appreciate the subtleties of flavor that way).
Wipe buttery fingers on Hoagy.
Shoulders and back only.
ReplyDeleteYup. And if he's wearing a tie for some reason, then it's also acceptable to wipe your fingers on the tie (that's in the fine print).
ReplyDelete"4. Taco: Cock"
ReplyDeleteheh
Did Jughead ghostwrite today's blog?
ReplyDeleteHoagy's shoulders and back must be very greasy by now.
Corn on the Cob: Tell me how you eat it. I have witnessed three methods.
Apple Pie A La Mode Slice: ALWAYS start by eating the point of the triangle. Scoop up a bit of ice cream with each morsel of pie. Proceed in a mannerly fashion to the crust. Rest. Plunge face into plate and fit entire crust into mouth at once. Then, tidily slide spoon around plate to corral pie debris and melted ice cream.
Super Bowl Communal Bowl of Lipton Onion Soup Dip, Accompanied by Ruffles Chips: Do not double-dip. Do not dip fingers. Try not to dip after children who have just spent quality time with family pets. Wooh. That just became more hygiene-based than food-based. Guess I've seen some grisly dip sights over the years.
Corn should only be eaten with lots of butter and salt, and using the "eat in circles around the cob" method.
ReplyDeleteAnyone who tells you otherwise is retarded.
Corn on the cob has to be done like a typewriter return thingy.
ReplyDeleteButton on chin is optional.
And so NoOprah's retarded, it's definitive.
ReplyDeletewas anyone else bummed when mcdonalds switched from deep frying their pies to baking them? all pie should be fried.
ReplyDeleteExcept Bacon Ace, he eats corn the long way.
ReplyDeleteoh SNAP!!!!
ReplyDeleteOkay, nooprah, you've confounded me. "Button on chin?" Would that be an erase button like I had on my IBM selectric? Or is it excess "butter" that you're about to slather over the hapless Hoagy's shoulders and back? (Serves you right if said aforementioned Hoagy sends you dry cleaner bills.)
ReplyDeleteI believe I shall draw a gentle veil over Bacon Ace's purported propensity for eating corn the long way.
Here's what I have observed about corn consumption:
1) Some subscribe to the Royal Cakiness school of thought.
2) Some do the typewriter, a la nooprah (a small subset of these make a little ka-ching noise when they reach the end and head back to the beginning of the row).
3) Some set the cob on its wider end on their plate and cut off the kernels with a knife, mush butter, salt, and pepper into the pile and eat. (I know--why not eat canned corn...but I've seen it happen.)
I want a Reeses Cup.
ReplyDeleteNow.
Wah, wah, wah.
ReplyDeleteSwedish Fish.
ReplyDelete1) Set in freezer at least 1 hour.
2) Eat 2-3 at a time.
This takes a while to consume them and the flavor lasts longer. My poor ass found this very useful in college.
Anonymous (Read: Cousin Paul), I call you COWARD!
awww crap. That was me and I forgot to type my name.
ReplyDelete