Dr. Qwerty

So recently I got a new cell phone and it's one of the ones that has the QWERTY keyboard.

So I texted Hoag:

Q W E R T Y

Hoag texted me back part of the second row of keys:

A S D F-U

He's clever like that.

Please Please Please....don't tell me! I haven't seen it. You'll ruin it for me!

Phil Spector gets 19 years to Life.

He should also get an extra year just for giving 'the finger' in such a lame way.

One Angry Man

So a couple weeks ago I get a notice for Jury Duty (GUILTY!) but it's not on a good day for me. They allow you to postpone it for up to a year.

So I requested a day about a year from now that would work for me.

Yesterday I get the new date and of course it's not the one I wanted, and it's certainly not a date that I can find him guilty.

On the little card they sent me it states the following (read it well)

---------------

:::'Your juror service has been changed to the date, time, and place below. Under the law, you may not change it again. You may use the attached postcard or contact our offfice by phone to request an alternate date if this date is not convenient.':::
-----------------

Are these people retarded? Stupid? Democrats?

Under the law I CAN'T CHANGE THE DATE!!! But if I want to... contact their office!!!

GUILTY! (Attica!)

Movie Reviews from everyone's favorite critic...Cousin Saul!

My guess is he'll love something we'd all hate and hate something we'd all love.

Or something.

No Post Radio

VERN: "Why no new post?"

BUCK: "Don't know."

Dead Man Walking (or standing) Part 3

So the other day Wifey cleans out her closet. Anything she hadn't worn in a year or two she got rid of.

Here is our conversation about that event:

WIFEY: "Well, I cleaned out the closet."

ME: "Great."

WIFEY: "I got rid of everything I haven't worn in a year or two... or stuff that no longer fits me."

ME: "Great."

WIFEY: "Lots of the stuff was way too big for me."

ME: "When were you bigger than you are now?"

Happy Memorial Day!

(The following has possibly been edited from the original wire story)


(AP)WASHINGTON - President Barack Obama praised the men and women of America's fighting forces Memorial Day as the "best of America."

The president spoke after participating in a solemn Memorial Day tradition, laying a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Comic at Arlington National Cemetery. It is the burial ground for American Comics dating back to the Revolutionary War.

Why he put a wreath on a still living comedian is anybody's guess.

DRAG ME TO HELL. Or something.

Drag Me To Hell.

It comes out next week at a theatre near you.

It might possibly be the best name ever for a horror film (I'm assuming it's a horror film)

Drag Me To Hell.

Now we all know that hell is probably a pretty crappy place, correct?

CORRECT?

None of us wants to go to hell, correct?

CORRECT?

But Jeez-Dom Deluise...do you have to DRAG us to hell?

I mean really...we're going to hell. Is it really necessary to drag us? Can't you carry us? Drive us? Fly us?

(Do people get Dragged To Heaven?)

The Cellphone Ringeth

So last night around 10:00 my cell starts vibrating and it's a text message coming in.

I can't find my glasses so I have Wifey read me the meassge (It's from Hoagy)

ME: "What's it say?"

WIFEY: "Turd Ferguson."

No bluefish

WAITRESS: "Just one thing to point out....we're all out of the bluefish."

ME AND HOAG INSTANTLY STAND UP AND SAY IN UNISON: "Then we are outta here!"

President Obama stops in for a bite to eat.

And spends a little too much.

Google Image Search: Ugly man, handsome man.

These two were the number 1 hits on google.

I agree with Ugly Man.

Handsome Man? I think not.

Jacoby Ellsbury ties Major League Record!

Last night Jacoby Ellsbury of The Boston Red Sox tied a Major league record for putouts (12) by an outfielder in a 9 inning game . (A lot of other exciting stuff happened in this game also)

The other two guys that have the record...one was way back in the 1920s, the other in 1977.

So it's kinda cool.

Last night me and wifey are watching the game and Jacoby ties the record on the very last out to end the game.

Here is the conversation that followed:

ME: "WOW! That's pretty cool!"

WIFEY:

ME: "Out of 27 outs Jacoby made 12 of them!"

WIFEY:

ME: "In all of the hundreds of thousands of Major League games that have been played only two other guys have EVER done what he just did!"

WIFEY:

ME: "It's rare for that many balls to be hit to centerfield in the course of one game! WOW! Good for him! Look at him smiling!"

WIFEY:

ME: "You don't even care, do you"

WIFEY: "No."

-------------

Earlier in the game:

ME: "Oh my god! I can't believe Varitek hit two homeruns in this game!"

WIFEY: "Don't be making fun of Jason."

Close Gitmo!

Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!

That's all we heard when Bush was in office.


Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!

So it goes to a vote in the Senate and they instantly vote it down.

These were the same fools yelling:

Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!

Until they figured out that the scum inside Gitmo might just be one of their neighbors upon release.

Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!
Close Gitmo!

You know what I say?

Attica! Attica! Attica!

Please pass my Daddy the ketchup. Or something.

I wish I made up the following:


>>>>>>A Bakersfield father is accused of biting out one of the eyes of his small child and similarly mutilating the other eye, leaving the child blind.

After attacking the child, 34-year-old Angel Vidal Mendoza Sr. quickly left his apartment in a wheelchair, entered a backyard of a nearby vacant home and attacked his own legs with an ax, severely injuring himself, Bakersfield police reported.

The child, 4-year-old Angelo Mendoza Jr., later told police, "My daddy ate my eyes."


http://www.bakersfield.com/news/local/x339729128/Bakersfield-dad-accused-of-biting-out-sons-eye >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

The Bowl Queen

So last night Wifey has some fruit and it's in a bowl.

When she finishes I see the empty bowl, pick it up, and put it in the dishwasher.

An hour or so later she has something else. In a bowl.

When she finishes I see it sitting there, pick it up, and put it in the dishwasher.

And I notice there are a bunch of bowls in said dishwasher.

So we have a conversation (it's what we do)

ME: "You're a Bowl Queen."

WIFEY: "I'm not a Bowl Queen."

ME: "Yes you are! You my friend, are The Bowl Queen!"

WIFEY: "I'm not a Bowl Queen."

ME: "Are."

WIFEY: "You are an Ass Queen."

ME: "I'm not an Ass Queen."

WIFEY: "You are."

ME: "Why would you say that?"

WIFEY: "Because you're an ass."

ME: "I'm not an ass."

WIFEY: "Are."

ME: "You're a Bowl Queen."

WIFEY: "Why are you so mean?"

ME: "I'm not mean...you just use a lot of bowls."

WIFEY: "You're an ass.

ME: "Bowl Queen."

Hoagy's going rattlesnake hunting.

GM and Chrysler to shed thousands of dealers

So with less places to buy cars they will sell more cars?

Idiots.

Looks like fun to me.

So the big story this week is if the USA should release the pictures of terrorists being 'tortured'.

I don't much care either way.

But this photo got released anyhow.

Look at it.

Is that really torture?

Torture??



And the next picture is of what they call 'waterboarding'.

Is that torture? Getting water poured on your covered face is torture?

If I could pour water on a guy to prevent a 9/11 I'd pour water on a guy.

(hopefully they washed his shorts before pouring said water on him...it would be torture if the colored dye ran on his leg...believe you me, I know)



SO TO SUM UP:
Sack up, Nancies...it ain't torture.

Our New Feature: LOOK AT HER EYES LOOK AT HER EYES LOOK AT HER EYES (neck)

FIRST UP...VICTORIA BECKHAM.

Our New Feature: SHE GOT OLD LADY HANDS!

FIRST UP...SARAH JESSICA PARKER:

Our New Feature: WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH HIS HAIR?

FIRST UP...DONALD TRUMP.

Our New Feature: ZOOM IN ON HER BELLY

FIRST UP...JULIA ROBERTS:

Our New Feature: HAIRY FAMOUS GUYS

First up....ANDY GARCIA.

Death to Smooochy

I don't use spellcheck all that much.

And I don't spell all that well.

But once in a while I'll put a fun word into spellcheck just because.

Spellcheck tells me that smoooch is spelled with four Os, not three.

Now if I'm writing you, and use the word 'smoooch', are three Os acceptable?

Or would you prefer the emotion of the traditional 'four-O Smooooch' that comes from my computer's spellcheck?

Or should I just leave the word smoooch to the 20th century?

XXXOOO

She thinks I'm Cute!

Those of you that read this blog on a regular basis know that once in a while I write about the gal I call Wifey.

And in said stories about Wifey she always kinda has the upper hand....correct?

Well, not last night.

In fact, last night she made such an egregious (ryhmes with Regis) error that I thought I'd make fun of her in public.

We were watching a tv show called The Big Bang Theory.

And in that show is a guy named Sheldon.

Here is the conversation about him:

WIFEY: "His voice sounds like the Jack in the Box on the Island of Misfit Toys"

ME: "JACK???!! It's Charlie in the Box...it's why he's a Misfit Toy."

WIFEY: "Whatever."

--------

SO TO SUM UP:

I might have won.

The one about the plane.

So last night Wifey had some girlfriends over and I'm sitting with them and just talking and stuff.

One of the gals there was Betty-Lou (not her real name)...the Widow Betty-Lou. Her husband used to be a pilot and he crashed his plane and died.

So anyhow...

The TV was on in the other room when all of a sudden Betty-Lou spots an airplane on the movie that was showing.

Here is that conversation:

BETTY-LOU: "Oh my god! That's the plane that Barry used to fly!"

ME: "Apparently not very well."

I don't not be no crying no wolf.

Sometimes we kid about stuff.

We joke.

And sometimes we talk about the real issues of the day.

Back in 2006 I warned everyone about the Caprionic Plague that was sweeping the nation.

You didn't listen.

You looked stupid for a few years....and now you know I was right.

In 2008 I brought to everyones attention the danger of Croc-fever.

You listened right away...you spared yourself and everyone close to you the horror.

I cautioned about the Hillary.

You almost didn't listen but at the last moment you did and voted for Smiley.

(I should have warned about him earlier but at first all I saw was a sheep)

And on and on.

Now I'm going to warn you against possibly the greatest danger to man the world has ever known.

YOU MUST LISTEN!! HEED MY WARNING! OR SOMETHING!

I was in Macy's the other night walking through the men's department when I saw the creatures. The hideous, hideous beasts!

Plaid shorts! For men!

Don't DO IT!!!

EVER!!

Do not be suckered punched by these fashion skunks!

They stink!

Plaid shorts for men should be outlawed! And outlawed NOW!!

You buy them...you'll be photographed wearing them....you will be ridiculed for decades when the family photo albums get passed around!!

Did someone stumble upon a cache of plaid material and decide to dupe the American Male?

Plaid Shorts = I can't stomach even looking at you. You're no longer my friend. Fuck off.

And if by chance plaid shorts are becoming a fashion statement for women... keep in mind you are going to look old. Fat. And ugly.

And not the good kind of old, fat, and ugly.

Dear Wifey, Set your phaser on FUN!

Things I've Learned.

Esquire Magazine does a feature every month where a celebrity will tell you what they've 'learned'.

Now I'm going to.

You can also.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED (actual things)

Don't look at your computer at night.

Don't cut the grass when it's wet.

Tip big.

If there are two or more lines go to the one on the left.

Lefty loosey, righty tighty.

Shaving cream should be put in palm in golf ball sized amount, any less you'll need more, any more and you're wasting it (unless you have a gigantic face like John Kerry)

Don't call your Wifey 'Wifey' in person.

Don't mention it if you did the dishes or vacuumed the carpet.

Jeter will get that hit you don't want him to get.

Only get your oil changed at Jiffy Lube...NOTHING ELSE. EVER.

Don't use the word trousers or slacks when talking about pants.

The guys at a casino can play poker better than me. A lot better.

The number 17 will come up eventually.

There is no I in asshole.

Haven't worn it in two years? Throw it away.

The remote control is your friend if watching TV...your enemy when you're watching something you DVRed (ya gotta keep fast forwarding and stuff...pain in the neck...let Wifey do it)

Trapper John MD is one crappy show.

Get to the point.

Don't over do the compliments.

George Bush was right about a lot of things. You'll see.

Always doublecheck trhat you unplugged the iron or shut off the gas grill.

Order the special.

Don't drink a lot of Coke or Pepsi. Especially at night.

Johnny Carson was better than all the other ones.

Grady should have taken Pedro out.

You don't need to change your oil every 3000 miles. It's a lie. Look in your owners manual for the real number.

Most store brands are just as good as the name brand.

If my store was across the street from Cousin Saul's store and we had the same square footage I would crush him like a flea.

The marijuana today is way better than the stuff in the 1970s.

Captain Kirk is way better than Captain Picard.

There is no I in Douchebag.

I am very lucky.

Putting a stamp upside down on an envelope is the lamest protest of government ever.

Obama isn't as good as you people think he is. He does have a nice smile.

The Seinfeld show is still funny.

Cheers isn't.

I would not go to jail for you.

Or you.

Women look best in blue jeans.

Kevin Kline is always great when he has a mustache...not so good when he doesn't.

The Red Delicious apple is aptly named.

I should have taken Spanish in high school.

You can always get tickets if you really want them.

You shouldn't drink more than one cup of coffee a day.

Paint is better than wallpaper.

Nobody ever went bankrupt by selling out.

Star Trek is better than Star Wars.

I've never caught a fish while wearing my lucky fishing shirt.

Another Dom Dies.

So I put up a picture of champagne.

No reason.

GET OFFA MY LAWN!

A Man, A Plan, A Canal, Panama

The title of today's blog is a blueprint for tonight.

Tonight being Buddy Nite and all.

The Man?

Well, that would be me.

The Plan?

Well, that would be to pick up the Hoag and meet The Blonde for vittles and drinks.

(Notice the amusing use of the word vittles)

Now the difficult part is here.

Because we now have a Canal to work into Buddy Nite.

And that hasn't been done before.

Nor have we ever gone to Panama for Buddy Nite.

I suppose the canal could be under the bridge I have pictured, huh?

So we have: The Man, The Plan, The Canal....but still no Panama.

So we have a serious flaw in today's blog.

But because today's title on today's blog also happens to be a palindrome maybe it makes it okay.

Or maybe I'll just leave the Panama part up to Hoag and or the Blonde.

SO TO SUM UP:

A Man, A Plan, A Canal, Not a whole heck of a lot to do with Panama.

Manny, Manny, Manny