BATMAN DAY

CUSTOMER: "Is today Batman Day?"

ME: "No...yesterday was."

CUSTOMER: "What is today?"

ME: "Thursday."

The Priest

So about an hour ago a priest came into my shop. He was young...maybe early 30s. First time in.

We started taking about toys and stuff. We seemed to be hitting it off well.

 Here is the rest of the conversation:

ME: "Are you really a priest?"

PRIEST: "Yes."

ME: "You seem kinda short to be a priest."

PRIEST: "How tall are priests supposed to be?"

ME: "I think around 5' 10" or taller."

PRIEST: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

ME: :::smiling:::

----

Amazon Woman....Bang! Zoom! To the Moon!

MOM TO DAUGHTER: "So just look around the store, pick out what you want, and I'll order it from Amazon."

ME:  "You do know I'm standing right here, correct?"

How did I miss this before??

Balls.

A woman in her late sixties came in my shop the other day. Here is that conversation.

WOMAN: "Hello...do you have balls?"

ME: "Yes....what kind are you looking for?"

WOMAN: "I want some nice ones that will fit in my hand."

ME: "How about these?" [I showed her my balls]

WOMAN: "No...those are a tad too small?"

ME: "Would you like some the size of a baseball?"

WOMAN: "That size but something more squeezable."

ME: "Nope....just these hard ones. Try the guy down at the Dollar Store...I'm sure he has some."

WOMAN: "That's a good idea! Thanks for your help."

----------

(I kept a straight face the whole time. )

The Leather Jacket.

In my shop I'm selling a leather jacket.

A guy came in the other day and started looking at it. Touching it. Asking about it.

Here is that riveting conversation:

GUY: "Is this a real jacket?"

ME: "Yes."

GLUTEN SUFFERING FRIENDS

I was away over the weekend and I saw this dude. So did thousands of other people as they walked by. Most people pretended he was invisible. I didn't.

I pulled out five bucks and showed it to him.

He nodded.

I asked if I could trade him the five dollars for a picture of him.

He nodded.

I've seen lots of bums in my day (::winkwink::) but I have never quite seen one with such a compelling sign.

Was it genius? Or not so genius?

I'm leaning towards genius and here's why...

I'm gonna assume that most women would be frightened by this creep...so regardless of what his sign said they wouldn't stop and give him spare change anyhow.

Now we have the other half of the population.

I'm thinking this homeless hobo makes some good money per day...it's just SOOOOOO wrong but yet somehow very funny.

SAVE THE WHALES? Not another glance.

FREE TIBET? Huh?

HELP OUR GLUTEN SUFFERING FRIENDS? Eh?

But SAVE CAMEL TOES????

Five bucks. Everytime.

-------

PS: My greatest fear about this whole episode is that my homeless hobo friend can't read and he asked some 'friend' of his to make the sign for him. (Homeless guy probably wanted his sign to read: HELP OUR GLUTEN SUFFERING FRIENDS)

Greatest practical joke ever? Possibly.

We'll call this story Mount Fuji because I don't know how to spell Mount Kilimanjaro

Sometimes at my shop people will ask to use the bathroom. The vast majority of them use it the way it's supposed to be used.

But I'm always on Bathrrom Alert after someone uses it. I'd hate for it to be gross when the next person goes in....so I always check it right after someone is done (after they leave the store, of course)

For some reason kids don't always flush the toilet.  I put that in the gross category.

How does a parent put up with a kid that doesnt flush? I don't want to see his urine!!

I especially don't want to see his poop.

And now here comes the story:

The other day a fat little cretin asked to use my bathroom. I said yes.

He went in and very quickly afterwards he was done.  WHEW!

No cleaning up a big potty for me.  But I checked the bathroom anyhow after he left.

The motherfucker left me a gigantic bowel movement in the toilet!

I looked at it. I was angry.

How does someone just leave that in my toilet???

Then I looked again. It was huge. I looked again.

I was shocked at what I saw....or should I say what I didn't see???

There was no toilet paper in the bowl!!!

He left me a Mount Fuji and he didnt use toilet paper!!!!!

Who does that?

I'll tell you who does that...Fat Little Cretins do that!!

RIP Lee Marshall...the voice of Tony the Tiger.

Sad news my friends.

I thought in his honor I'd re-blog a post from 2006.

It's under the dotted line.  It's G-R-R-R-REAT!


-----------------------


In my lifetime I've met dozens of people and not one of them dislikes Kellogg's Sugar Frosted Flakes. And why would they dislike them? They're made of sugar, frost, and flakes. That my friends is a trifecta of perfection. No other food is as universally loved as the flake with the sugar and the frost. They're not just g-g-g-reat! They're a-a-a-a-awesome!

You put sugar and frost on just about anything and it instantly becomes better. You put sugar and frost on a flake and you have Sugar Frosted Flakes. And joy.

Show me a person that doesn't like Sugar Frosted Flakes and I'll show you John Kerry.

Show me a person that doesn't like Sugar Frosted Flakes and I'll show you a douchebag.

Show me a person that doesn't like Sugar Frosted Flakes and I'll show you retard.

Show me a person that doesn't like Sugar Frosted Flakes and I'll show you stupid.

Show me a person that doesn't like Sugar Frosted Flakes and I'll show you a Special K loving broad with a Thighroid problem.

Show me a person that doesn't like Sugar Frosted Flakes and I'll show you....you know...something.

Show me a person that doesn't like Sugar Frosted Flakes and I'll show you someone I just don't want to know.

(Brownies are pretty g-g-g-reat! also.)

Medicine Man

The doctor gave me some medicine the other day.

On the sheet of paper with all of the instructions and warnings it says:

'If vaginal itching should occur call doctor immediately.'

Trust me...if I get vaginal itching I'll be calling more than the doctor.

I Grok Caulk

I needed caulk.

Badly.

I kept putting it off and putting it off but finally this week I decided to do what needed to be done.

I needed caulk.

And I needed it now.

I thought I had some caulk out back years ago.  Untouched caulk.

But I had no way of getting the caulk out.

So off I went to the store to get a caulk gun. 

I've never messed around with caulk before so I had to watch a tutrorial on YouTube...some goober explaines how to use it. The more he explained the more I laughed.

You'd think caulk would be easy to handle...I suppose it is if you know what you are doing. But I'm a novice when it comes to caulk.

So I watch the video, I prepare the caulk, I prepare the gun...I'm all ready to to squeeze the trigger and get this caulk going.

Nothing happens.

The caulk won't come out. I call up my buddy Glink and ask him why the caulk won't come out.

We talk. He asks questions.

We discover the caulk is too old to come out....way too thick.

No matter how hard I pump or squeeze the caulk just won't come out.

I sit there frustrated. I need caulk and I need it now!  

No can do.

So I go to another store the next day to seek out some new caulk. None of that old caulk for me.

A sales gal comes up to me and asks if I need anything. Here is that conversation:

SALES GAL:  "Do you need anything today?"

ME: "Yes....I need caulk."

SALES GAL: "Me too!"

BOTH OF US:  :::laughter::

For some reason caulk is funny. It's almost too funny. I'm sick of needing caulk. I'm sick of looking for caulk. I'm sick of thick old caulk.

And there it is next to the caulk!!! Clear silicone!

This should do the trick.

I race back to the shop, load my caulk gun with silicone, I pull the trigger and silicone EXPLODES out of the tip! I then take it over to front windows and seal my windows. They've been rattling and sqeaking for years. A nice tight seal. Windows are fixed. 

And that my friends is my caulk story.

It's nice when these things have a happy ending.

The Windy City

Yesterday was kinda windy.

In walks a retarded guy. Blathering on and on like retarded guys do.

I doubt retarded guys mind being called retarded....it's usually their wranglers that get all upset with the term.

Does mentally challenged really sound better?

But I digress...

Anyhow...Tard starts yapping about this and that. Pointing out the obvious. Talking about whatever and a pickle.

It's time for him to leave.

He notices that the wind blows open my door (or was it the ghosts of you-know-who-from-you-know-where?)

Then he looks at swaying trees and says goodbye with a hearty "HAVE A GOOD WINDSDAY!"

Smart like a retarded fox.

Dee Neal

I'm not sure when this happened but I was told about it Saturday night.

It seems my Son-in-Law saw my wife's name written out somewhere and he thought it said "Dee Neal"

He was told of his mistake. Laughter followed.

He then started calling Wifey  "Dee Neal"

Laughter followed.


He now calls me The Captain.

(And I'm good with that)

SKULLS

So a mother was in my shop today with her eight year old daughter. Here is the conversation I overheard.

MOM: "Do you want a skull button?"

GIRL: "No, thank you....though I do LOVE skulls."

MOM: "But not the scary kind of skulls, right?

Baseball

CUSTOMER: "What is this?"

ME: "That's a baseball."

CUSTOMER: "What's it for?"

ME: "To play baseball with."

CUSTOMER: "But what does it represent?"

ME: "Baseball. It came from a museum."

CUSTOMER: "Oh."

Sometimes a camel is just a cigarette.

I went to a casino the other night by myself.

Had some dinner, couple of drinks...

Then I played some roulette. 

A guy sitting next to me at the table got up and left but he forgot his cigarettes (Camels) and his lighter (Bic).

I played for a while and he never came back.

I took the pack of Camels and the Bic lighter and put it next to my stack of chips. Shortly after that a guy comes up to me and 'bums a fag' from me  (that's British for asking for a free cigarette)

No problem...I give him the Camel and flick my Bic and he walks away happy.

I play for a bit longer and then decide to walk around. I take the pack of cigarettes with me. And the lighter.

I'm not sure why. I don't smoke.

But now I'm packin' some smokes and feel really cool. (Cigarettes are still cool, right?)

I play some more games, some slots, goof around...now I need to use the bathroom.

It's tinkle-time at the MGM.

I saunter over to the urinal (that's the thing that men stand at to urinate. The urine comes out of the penis.)

I feel someone hovering over me.

You don't want people hovering over you while urine comes out of your penis. Ever.

And I hear a familiar voice.....

VOICE: "Hey...got another Camel, Bud?

ME: "Really? You're picking NOW to ask me? Can you wait until I finish? (Finish means when the urine stops coming out of my penis and after I wash my hands.)

VOICE: "Okay."

---------

MORAL OF THE STORY:

If you smoke cigarettes chances are that strange men will try to look at your penis.

And they might call you Bud.

Malaysia airlines flight 370

M'ick J'agger's girlfriend L'Wren dies.

According to the reports she killed herself.

By hanging herself. From a doorknob.

It happens.

So Mick postpones part of his New Zealand tour and rushes back to New York.

He's quoted as saying: "I will never forget her."

That's really big of Mick not to forget her.

I'm sure most people forget their girlfriends after they kill themselves.

RIP Ray Romano

Girls Weekend

WIFEY: "Don't forget...next weekend is girls weekend."

ME: "Am I going?"

WIFEY: "It's girls weekend...why would you go?"

ME: "I didn't know if I was invited or not."

WIFEY: "Are you a girl?"

ME: "No...but I wasnt sure if you wanted me to go with you or not."

WIFEY: "Do you have a vagina?"

Filet-O-Phished

So I see this ad the other day.

I like Filet-O-Fish. I like McDonalds French Fries (who doesn't!?)

So I'm driving to work around 11:00am and I see a McDonalds restaurant just up ahead.

I'm thinking Filet-O Fish and Fries for only $3.33. I'd be stupid if I wasn't thinking that!

Fish sandwich...french fries...$Three point three three.

So I go up to the college educated white guy at the counter  (I'm kidding!!) and order the Filet-O Fish and French Fries $3.33 special.

Here is the conversation:

ME: "I'd like to order the Filet-O-Fish and french fries special for $3.33.

CLERK: "We don't have that here."

ME: "You don't have Filet-O-Fish and french fries?"

CLERK: "Yes...I mean, we have those but not as a special."

ME: "This is a McDonalds, correct?"

CLERK: "It's at participating McDonalds restaurants."  (he didnt actually use the words 'participating' or 'restaurants'.)

ME: "So let me get this straight....Corporate McDonalds spends millions of dollars on a countrywide promotion and you dont want to participate?"

CLERK: "May I take your order?"

ME: "I'll have a hamburger and a small french fries."

CLERK: "That will be $4.04."

ME: "For a burger and fries?"

CLERK: "Yes."

ME: "Is that a special promotion?"

Salt Lick City

So my rear driver side tire on my car has a very slow leak. Every couple of weeks I have to stop at a gas station and put a little air in it. I havent had time to fix it.

Nor do I want to.


Why not you ask?

I'll tell you why...

I stop at the air station...I unscrew the little cap on my tire, I set the PSI thingy on the air hose to the proper setting and then I fill up my tire.

While filling up my tire the little cap thingy is in my mouth so I wont lose it.

It's got road salt on it.

I'm hooked on road salt!!!


It tastes awesome.

I wish all my tires had slow leaks.

I LOVE when Wifey is wrong.

WIFEY: "Sometimes you're not funny when you think you are."

Shoe store question and answer.

So the other night Wifey and I are at a shoe store.

I'm at the front counter paying for our purchase. Here is the conversation with the sales chick:

SALES CHICK:  :::pointing at Wifey:::: "Is she with you?"

ME:  "Sometimes."

Confession time.

With the recent death of Phillip Seymour Hoffman I think it's about time I come clean about my own addiction to heroin.

I got the monkey on my back.

I'm jonesing for the horse.

I love the fine china...I love the smack.

Blackjack.

I don't want no cold turkey for lunch.

Skag. Heat. Pump. Junk. Slink.




On the plus side... my middle name aint 'Seymour'

Groundhoag Day is coming (or did it already come?)..... will Hoag see his own shadow?

Texter, texter, pants on fire.

So last night Hoag was away. He was at dinner before a concert.

I was also at a concert but somewhere else.

We texted back and forth.

Here is part of that text conversation:

---

ME: "Daryl Jones is here playing bass!"

HOAG: "Mick is having dinner with us."

ME: "I know...that's what Keith just told me."

Things you need to know about Al Stewart (the Year of the Cat singer guy)

1. His real first name is: Alastair.

2. You don't need to know anything else.

Sue Ze Chapstick (company)

So this guy comes in the other day. Here is the conversation:

GUY: "That chapstick stuff is a scam."

ME: "How do you figure?"

GUY: "They put something in it to make your lips chapped."

ME: "Why would they do that?"

GUY: "So you'll buy more chapstick."

Merry Christmas!

I want jeggings for Christmas!

Overheard in my shop:

MAN: "I don't like dinosaurs...I only like comic books and vampires.."

The Fortune Teller

Across the street from my business is a fortune teller, tarot card reader, palm reader, mind reader gal.

She has a business and people go to her. They pay her money. To see the future. To read their minds. To read their palms.

Fortune Teller.

So anyhow...

She comes in my store today looking for Christmas gifts for her nephew.

I show her a few things.

She hems, she haws. She hems AND haws.

Here is the conversation:

ME: "So...how old is your nephew?"

FORTUNE TELLER: "He's six."

ME: "What kind of things does he like?"

FORTUNE TELLER: "I'm not sure what he's into these days."

ME: "But...."

Shot Glasses

So I go into a liquor store this morning.

I needed six shot glasses.

Here is the conversation with a clerk:

ME: "Do you have six shot glasses?"

CLERK: "What do you want them for?"

ME::  ::::blinks::::

Mein Furrier (best Hitler dog EVAH!)

 

 

The Signed Penis

So the other night my once future wife was over the house.

We'll call her TOOTS.

She had a few glasses of wine.

Wifey had a few glasses.

I had a Big Mac and fries.

Here is the conversation:

TOOTS: "Next week I'm getting a signed penis."

ME: "A signed penis?"

TOOTS: "Yes...he keeps taking his time. But I told him I really need it next week."

ME: "Why do you want a signed penis?"

TOOTS: "I've been wanting it for years."

ME: "A signed penis."

TOOTS: "And then I can finally move."

ME: "A signed penis makes you move? "

TOOTS: "Not penis."

ME: "You said 'signed penis'."

TOOTS: "A signed P & S. A purchase and sale agreement on my house."

ME: "Oh."

Congratulations!

Yesterday a couple came into my shop and the guy was looking at higher end robots (Gundam) to purchase.

He was on the fence about his purchase.

I started talking to him a bit. I had never seen him before.

Turns out he was up here on his honeymoon.

And nothing is better than buying robots on your honeymoon.

He kept going back and forth on if he should buy this robot or not. He finally decided to treat himself.

He seemed happy. His new bride seemed happy.

Here is the conversation that followed after he paid:

ME: "Congratulations!"

BOTH OF THEM:  "Thank you!"

ME: "And congratulations on getting married!"

FREE!

Hoag used to do this on a regular basis.  I did it for the first time last night.

I was on my way home and driving thru my neighborhood when I noticed a neighbor had some furniture at the end of her driveway with a large sign that said FREE.

I took the sign.

I got home, brought the sign in to show Wifey.

Here is the conversation that followed:

ME: "See my free sign I got at Kathy's house?"

WIFEY:  "You're an asshole."

ME: "With a FREE sign."

Calcium Dickens

I'm not sure if he's a he.

I'm not sure if he's a private detective.

It could be an illness.

A trendy gluten free meal, perhaps?

Some type of exotic flower?

Maybe Calcium Dickens is replacing someone on The View.

Calcium Dickens might be a ska band for all I know.

I don't really know who or what a Calcium Dickens is.

But if it's a guy and he has a daughter I'm sure her name is Codeine.

Or something.

Fat Cat

So most nights at home Wifey and I watch TV together.

We sit on the same couch. I'm on the good side...she's on the lame side.

She normally controls the remote control for the TV.

Most shows we watch are recorded on our DVR...and we (she) fast forwards through any commercials.

Still with me? (yawn)

Anyhow...

The other night we're sitting there on the couch when all of a sudden the remote comes flying in my direction.

Here is the conversation that followed:

ME: "What the heck are you doing!!!???"

WIFEY: "You're sit there every night like a fat cat while I do the remote!!"

ME: "I aint no fat cat!"

WIFEY:  "Fat cat."

All I did was wash a pan.

WIFEY: "You're a good wife."

ME: "Thank you."

You ain't nothing but a HoagDog.

So me and Hoag are looking at some recent photographs and there was one of him where he kinda looked fat.

Here is the conversation that followed:

ME: "You look like Fat Elvis in that one."

HOAG: "Still Elvis."

A short text conversation with my daughter the day before her wedding.

ME: "I wish you had a tail."

DAUGHTER:  "Me too."

What's wrong with this picture?

I'll tell you what's wrong...that's Radar O'Reilly from the tv series M*A*S*H. It takes place during the Korean "WAR". The Korean War was in the 1950s.

So?

Look at the comic book on Radar's lap!! It's an Avengers #60.

Published in 1969!

You are dead to me M*A*S*H.

If man was meant to read on the floor he would have been given wings.

I've probably blogged about this topic before.

Deal with it.

---

About an hour ago I walk out back and see a kid sitting on the floor reading one of my books.

I don't mind when people read in here... but for some reason I can't stand it when people sit on the floor and read. GET OFFA MY FLOOR!!

Anyhow...here is the conversation that followed once I spotted him on my floor reading:

ME: "May I get you a pillow?"

HIM: "No thank you! I'm using my jacket."

---

Round One goes to the kid.

Porn Comics

So a guy comes in the other day and asks for a very specific porn comic book.  (He's been in before. I like him)

He clearly knew what he wanted.

Here is the conversation:

GUY: "Do you have (porno comic)?

ME: "I'm not sure...let me check."

Then he looks at me.

He has a strange little smile on his face.

A twinkle in his eyes.

GUY:  "DON'T BE JUDGING ME!!"

ME: "If I was going to judge you I would have made fun of your shirt."

GUY:   ::::twinkle in eyes:::

I blame the...

Democrats!!

But...

I didn't.

I should have...

...thought it thru.

And...

....the whole joke comes out backwards!!!

I'm bored...

...with this already.

And I just...

...might be lying.

Unless....

I'm lying.

Due to the Government Shutdown...

I will be posting a new blog entry every 40 seconds.

Hi there.

So yesterday I did a post about the Post Office having a sign on their door that said THANKS FOR VISTING.

Now I'm in Door Sign Spotting Mode (or DSSM)

Today I go to the BANK OF AMERICA (The bank of AMERICA!!!) and on their door is a nicely made up sign that says:

HI THERE.

You read that right...The Bank of America is now owned by Freddy 'Boom Boom' Washington.

I thanked the teller for letting me visit.

They didn't 'get it'.

Thank you for visting!

I'm at the post office this morning and I notice this sign on the door:

THANK YOU FOR VISTING!

I wasn't visting. I was mailing a package.

I visit relatives,. I visit my friends.

I visit Cousin Saul.  (Well...maybe not Cousin Saul)

But I never VISIT the post office.

I mail stuff there.

They should change the sign:

THANK YOU FOR MAILING STUFF HERE.

(Thank you for visiting my blog)

The Night The Lights Went Out In Georgia (Massachusetts)

So the other night I'm sitting in the family room eating my dinner.

I was sitting in 'my chair'. Next to the chair is a small table with a lamp on it.

The lamp was turned on while I ate.  I like to see what I'm eating.

Guess what I did when I finished eating?

Yup...I turned the light off. (Like I've done every single time in the history of the world part 1.)

Here is the conversation that followed the light being shut off:

WIFEY: "Hey...what are you doing? There are other people in here ya know!"

ME:  :::Clicks light back on::

---------------------

Two days later I take some clothes out of the dryer, I bring them into the family room, dump them on couch so I can fold them.... and then turn the ceiling lights on so I can see what I'm folding.

Here is the conversation that followed me turning the light ON:

WIFEY:  "Hey...what are you doing? There are other people in here ya know!"

ME: "Fuck off."

MEDS

A customer comes in today and tells me some of the bad stuff that's been happening to him.

He mentions that at least he will be able to soon get off of his meds. Here is the conversation that followed:

ME: "How long have you been taking these meds?"

HIM: "A long time."

ME: "Any side effects?"

HIM:  "They made my penis really, really big."

ME: "I know."

So once again a waitress thinks we are gay

So two guys going out to dinner automatically makes them gay, correct?

Well, that's the vibe that me and Hoag seem to give off.

It happened again last night. The waitress thought we were gay.

No big deal.

But I call her over to the table anyhow.

Here is the conversation:

ME: "I heard you think we are gay."

HER: "I never said that."

ME: "The owner told me you think we are gay. We're not. We are just two guys that go out to dinner every week togther and one of us dresses really nice."

HER: "I just assumed you were...I don't care if you are."

ME: "We ain't."

HER: "Okay blah blah blah small talk small talk small talk"

----

I'm glad we cleared that up. We go back to having a drink. She goes back to doing her job.

About a half hour later she cozies back up to our table.

Here is that conversation:

HER: "Do you guys like Elton John?"

Hotdogs

So the other day I get home and make a few hotdogs for dinner.

Afterwards I saunter over to give Wifey a hug (or something)

Here is the conversation that followed:

WIFEY: "Get away from me!"

ME: "Why?"

WIFEY: "You have hotdog fingers."

ME: "I ain't got no hotdog fingers."

WIFEY: "You do."

ME: "Don't."

WIFEY: "Do."

ME: "I don't...I washed my hands."

WIFEY: "Hotdog fingers."

Things said to me at a wedding the other day.

1. "Excuse me,Sir...you're not allowed in here."

2. "Excuse me, Sir...that's for employees only."

3. "We're not letting people in there yet."

4. "Sir...you'd have to smoke that cigar out front...not here."

5. "This bar is shut down for about 15 minutes."

6. "We don't have Crown Royal."

7. You can't park there...it's for handicapped people."

8. "Are you the bus driver?"

9. "Don't touch me...I'm all wet!"

10. Excuse me, Sir...that's for the wedding party only."

11. "You're a guy...you only need one tissue."

12. "Of course I know what a Dirty Sanchez is...I'm not 11."  (This was actually said to someone else but I was within earshot)

13. "You can have as many cookies as you can carry."

14. "Can you see up my dress with those shoes?"

Describe That Guy!

We have a new game to play.

It's quite simple.

I will tell you one sentence that a man just spoke as he walked by my store.

You have to describe him without every seeing him.

Simple, huh?

OVERHEARD WALKING BY MY SHOP:  "This store is da shit!"

And the game begine in 3....2....1....GO!

No.

GUY: "Do you fix toys?"

ME: "No."

GUY: "How about helicopters?"

ME: "No."

The longest delayed response ever.

MY BROTHER:  "Why did you and Hoagy kick us out of your hotel room after the Alice Cooper concert?"

ME: "Huh?"

MY BROTHER: "In New York City."

ME: "Oh, cuz you guys were drunk."

-----

(the Alice Cooper concert he speaks about was 33 years ago)

A day in the life

CUSTOMER: "What is this?"

ME: "The Millenium Falcon."

CUSTOMER: "What is it?"

ME: "A toy."

CUSTOMER: "What do you do with it?"

ME: "You play with it."

CUSTOMER :shaking the Miillenium Falcon: "What's inside of it?"

ME:  "Han and Chewie."

Suit Update!

I got it.

It's a suit.

Boomer and the Crunch Bunch

So the picture says I LOVE CVS but the story is really about Macy's.

A couple of weeks ago I went to Macy's to buy a suit, a shirt and a tie.

My first ever suit. I'm a grown-up now.

The guy with the tape measure around his neck helped me out, measured me up, suggested a tie, etc.

He put the wax marks on my suit for the alterations that I would need. He took down my name and phone number. He even gave me HIS employee discount on my purchase.

(was he hitting on me?)

Anyhow...he said it would take a couple of weeks to get the suit back from the tailor and that they would call me (that's why he took my phone number)

My cell phone rings today.

I pick up the phone. Here is the conversation:

ME: "Hello?"

CINDY: "Hi...is Steve there?"

ME: "This is Steve. May I help you?"

CINDY: "Well...my name is Cindy and I work at the CVS in FARAWAY-TOWN."

ME: "And....?"

CINDY:  "Well, today UPS delivered a package to me here and I thought it was for my husband but I think it's for you."

ME: "What's in the package...my OXY?"

CINDY: "It's a man's suit."

ME: "What man?"

CINDY: "It's a new suit from Macy's."

ME: "Crap...that's MY suit!! For my daughter's wedding!!"

CINDY: "I order a lot from Macy's...someohow they shipped it to me by mistake."

ME: "Can you ship it to me?"

CINDY: "Yes."

blah blah blah details address thank you laughs etc

----------

The point of the story?

My first daughter is getting married and I bought my first suit ever.

.... and it's coming from a drug store.

And for some reason that amuses me.

Rules of the Wedding

My daughter is getting married this year.

Last night my wife told me the rules of the wedding:

1. "Don't just be goofing around with Hoagy all night."

There were no other rules.

Where Hitler and Stalin first met.

(Or was this where me and Hoagy first met?)

So the ugliest woman that ever walked the face of the planet dies and all of the news agencies only report on Helen Thomas dying.

Typical left leaning media.

RIP Weasel

One of my long time good friends died today.

Two things you need to know about him:

1. He wasn't an asshole.

2. He was the driver of the car in the infamous bowling shoe caper of 1975.

More thoughts on Trayvon

So Trayvon was basically found guilty of assault, correct?

I'm thinking maybe George Zimmerman should sue Trayvon's family for emotional distress and court costs.

Cyndi Lauper

Somehow I ended up at a Cyndi Lauper concert last night.

One guy kept rushing the stage. The security would kinda drag him back to his seat.

He would rush it again.

Security would bring him back to his seat.

This went on a handful of times.

Wifey then leans over to me and informs me that Cyndi Lauper is an advocate for retarded people.

Apparently the guy rishing the stage was a retard!

(as am I for attending a Cyndi Lauper concert)

What else do you need to know about the Cyndi Lauper "concert"?

We walked out after the 6th song and demanded our money back.

Why did we walk out?

Because the bitch doesnt stop TALKING!!!  We paid to listen to her sing.

-----

You know on the internet someone will claim SOMETHING. IS. THE. WORST. THING. EVER!!?

Well....THIS. WAS. THE. WORST. CONCERT. EVER.

The Trayvon Martin Trial

It's now in the hands of the jury.

We've seen and heard the evidence.

We know for a FACT that Trayvon had Skittles with him. SKITTLES!

We know for a FACT that Trayvon wore a sweatshirt with a hood on it.

We know for a FACT that Trayvon's skin was brown/black.

We know for a FACT that Trayvon was walking through a neighborhood.

If that's not enough to convict him I don't know what is.

Store Hours

I have a small shop.

Here is a conversation in said shop:

GUY: "Finally! You're open!"

ME: "What do you mean?"

GUY: "You're always closed when I come down."

ME: "You should probably come down when I'm open."

GUY: "You're never open."

ME: "Actually I've been open every day for thirty years except for Christmas and Thanksgiving."

GUY: "Not when I come down."

ME: "You should come down during our store hours."

GUY: "What are those?"

ME: "The hours when you don't come down."

Schmeetah.

I just found out PETA is all mad at me cuz I compared a large disfigured woman to a gorilla.

Oh, well....

Asshole

GAL: "Nobody has ever called me an asshole before."

ME: "Maybe not to your face..."

Tornadoes

POSSIBLY MENTAL CUSTOMER:  "Do you think tornadoes have faces?"

ME: "No."

POSSIBLY MENTAL CUSTOMER:  "Oh....I always thought they did."

I wanted a hot dog.

Last night I'm at a concert.

I'm hungry...I want a hot dog. I go stand in line for said hot dog.

::taptaptap:::

Waiting in line.

A woman turns to me.

Here is the conversation:

WOMAN: "What are you doing?"

ME: "I'm waiting in line."

WOMAN: "For what?"

ME: "A hot dog."

WOMAN: "Seems to me that you're more interested in buns."

ME: "Huh?"

WOMAN: "This is the line for the ladies room."

And the winner is...

 

So a few months ago The Rolling Stones announced a tour. Two shows in Boston...one on a Wednesday, one on a Friday.

 

Hoag wants to go to both but I'm busy on Wednesdays.

 

He buys tickets for both shows...$600.00 a ticket. I'll just go to the Friday show with him, he'll take someone else for the Wednesday show.

 

The Stones rolled into town last night.

 

It was around 5:00 in the afternoon on Wednesday and it started gnawing at me that I wasn't going to the show. I had no tickets, I had to work, etc.

 

I texted Wifey. Meet me at the shop and we'll try to sneak into the show. If we can't get in we'll just have dinner and hang around outside the Garden.  (I could practically feel the eyeroll)

 

But she sacked up and said ok.

 

We drive in the Boston Garden. Park the car. Go inside.

 

I see a cop. He asks what I'm doing. I reply: "I want tickets." He points to a ticket window. I ask for two of the cheapest tickets (I've seen the Stones dozens of times...I dont need $600.00 tickets) ...I score two $150.00 seats.

 

I escort my bride to her seat and then go back out to get some hot dogs and drinks.

 

Who do I bump into? Yup...Mister $600.00 seats himself...Hoag!

 

He starts cracking up that I got in. We compare tickets. We are in the same EXACT section!!

 

But I'm seven rows IN FRONT of him!!!

 

He looks perplexed.

 

He spent $900.00 extra on crappier seats.

 

I smile.  Stuff like this has happened before.

 

Wifey thinks I'm lucky.

 

I make my own luck.

 

So who is the winner?

 

You're probably thinking me, correct?

 

That would be a good guess.

 

Until I get to my seat.

 

Hoag texts me from seven rows behind me.

 

He texts me a picture of the back of my head.

 

I have a bald spot!!!

 

And that my friends is why Hoag is the winner and still champion!



Saltines

I need you to pretend that the following happened to me last night.

If I told you it actually happened about two months ago you would think I'm fake ranting.

But it happened last ::winkwink:: night.

I got some sardines.

I went to get the saltine crackers.

"Hey Honey...where are the saltines?"

"In the drawer!"

So I look in the drawer.

I see a box.

The box states that they are indeed saltines.

I open the box.

I GASP!!

The saltines aren't in protective sleeves! The saltines are just kinda in the box as if they were cereal! Or something.

That's not the worst part!!!

THE SALTINES ARE ROUND!!!

What the heck is that all about???

Round and saltines just don't go together.

It's stupid.

I look at the tin of sardines.

I look at round saltines.

How bad could it possibly be?

REAL BAD...THAT'S HOW BAD!!

Round saltines are the devil's food.

The sardine kinda doesn't fit.

I don't think they put as much salt on the ine.

I hope that the guy who invented round saltines gets the throat cancer.

86 dollars.

So I go into Home Depot recently to buy some stuff.

The lady scans my items.

Here is the conversation that follows:

LADY: "And that will be eighty six dollars and....OH MY GOD! That will be eighyt six dollars on the nose! Can you believe that? Eighty six dollars even! That's SO weird! That never happens!! Eighty six dollars even!"

ME: "Wow."

They Fix Lamps

So I'm driving down the road today when I spot a sign on the side of the road.

WE FIX LAMPS

So I thought to myself: "What would I do if one of my lamps didnt work?"

I'd buy a new one.

It would never occur to me to fix a lamp.

I can see a lamp smashing to pieces if it fell off a table or something....but do lamps ever really stop working?

Ever?

I've never heard of such a thing.

"Honey! The lamp isn't working again!! Call the repair guy!!"

Two things happen to lamps...

1. They fall on the floor and smash into a million pieces.

Or...

2. They work forever.

WE FIX LAMPS guy is probably not wealthy.

He's also pretty lonely.

And what's with the sign saying 'WE'????

Is there really a bunch of guys "fixing" lamps?

A massive building filled with lonely guys not doing anything?

They Fix Lamps.

Printer Ink

So today I received some 'spam' (unwanted advertising via electronic "mail") and it proudly proclaimed "Now get printer ink even easier!"

Really?

Is getting printer ink difficult?

I usually have to walk about 14 feet into an Office Max to get mine.

Sometimes I have to enter my credit card number online and then wait for it to be sent to me.

I'm exhausted.

I wish there was an easier way to get...Printer Ink!

Kayleigh

I just met a girl named Kayleigh.

I wanted to punch her parents for naming her Kayleigh.

The Smirk

So I'm doing some Google Image Searches the other day.

I type in SMIRK.

What I thought would be the first hit, WAS the first hit.

I was happy with myself.

So I asked Hoag what he thought would be the first hit.

Hoag instantly gets the correct answer.

I then ask Cousin Saul.

He gets it right in a nano second.

I ask a few male customers.

They don't hesitate. They all get it right.

I get home.

I ask Wifey.

A blank look on her face.

I ask future Wifey.

Nothing.

I ask my daughter.

Blank stare.

I come into work the next day and ask a few more women.

"If you google image search SMIRK what's the first thing that comes up?"

None of them have a clue...mostly lame guesses.

I tell the women the correct answer.

Bruce Willis.

One of them actually says to me "I haven't thought about Bruce Willis in twenty years."

What????

I can't think of a day when I haven't thought of Bruce Willis.

And that my friends is the difference between men and women.

::smirk::

I don't like the band RUSH

 

Last night I was watching the 2013 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony.

 

The last act to be inducted was RUSH.

 

I don't like RUSH.

 

Never have.

 

But I decided to watch them anyhow.

 

There are three guys in the band RUSH.

 

The drummer is awesome and he writes the lyrics (something about Tom Sawyer in one of the songs)

 

But just cuz the drummer has a bit of talent doesn't mean I like the band RUSH...cuz I don't.

 

I don't like RUSH.

 

(You already see where this is going, dontcha?)

 

Then I started paying attention to the lead guitar player.

 

The guy was doing stuff on a guitar that I really didnt know was possible.

 

I never really saw or listened to RUSH before...sometimes they'd pop up on the radio or somthing.

 

I never cared for them. Just cuz the lead guitar was amazing doesn't mean I like RUSH. I don't like RUSH. Never have.

 

Then I started to pay attention to the lead singer/bass player.

 

The dude kinda makes the bass guitar cool. He also was doing stuff that I never really saw a guitar player do.

 

And his voice? Distinctive.

 

Good? I have no clue. He sings rock and roll songs.

 

Does it matter if it's good?

 

I don't like RUSH in spite of the drummer being amazing (and writing the lyrics), the guitar player outplaying most other guitar players and a bass player that is the lead singer (he does have a cool name...Geddy Lee)

 

But I don't like RUSH.

 

I'll never buy any RUSH music or see them in concert.

 

Just because they are awesome doesn't mean I have like them.

 

I never liked RUSH, never will.

 

How the heck did they get in the Hall of Fame?

 

 

 



ixnay on handshaking-ay

So this guy comes in the shop the other day and offers out his hand to shake with me.

Here is the conversation that follows:

ME: "Nah...I don't shake hands."

HIM: "Why...ya got that germ phobia?"

ME: "Nope."

HIM: "So why won't you shake my hand?"

ME: "You're black."

HIM: "Actually I'm more brown."

ME:  ::::fistbump::

---

Six seconds of awesome.

Happy Birthday, Dinkweed!

Your new favorite baseball player of all time!

Have you ever said something that you instantly wished you could take back?

Last night it happened to me.

I was sitting at a restaurant bar finishing up my dinner.

The bartender approached me.

Here is the conversation:

BARTENDER: "Would you like another beer?"

ME: "Negatory, Big Ben!"



-------

I'm now quoting bad songs from the 1970s to bartenders.