Happy New Year.

First off, I'd wish for three more wishes.

Oh, wait...that's what I'd do with three wishes.

This is the New Year's resolutions post.

But New Year's resolutions are stupid.

But it's even more stupid to make fun of folks doing resolutions.

Yet even more stupid to tell someone what you'd do with three wishes.

I love when people tell you what they'd do with three wishes and the first thing they say is: "I'd wish for a million dollars!"

The smart wishers wish for 2 million dollars.

The super-duper smart wishers wish for more than that.

People that make resolutions are usually fat.

It's true.

I'm not passing judgement on you (you know who you are)...it's just a fact.

Thin folks rarely make resolutions. They just do things. Before the New Year.

Did you know gym memberships skyrocket in January?

Did you also know that attendance at gyms is lowest in February?

I wish I owned a gym in January.

Actually I wish I owned three gyms in January.

And had a million dollars. I mean two million dollars.

And three more wishes.

Or something.

An actual True Vampire story. And how many people have one of those? Huh?

So we're out on a Buddy Nite two weeks ago (just me and Hoag) and we overhear these three broads at the bar discussing the HBO show TRUE BLOOD.

True Blood is about Vampires. Blood sucking undead.

They keep discussing the show and plot points and favorite vampires etc.

Me and Hoag keep listening.

They keep with the Vampire talk. They're bigtime into it.

So Hoag reaches into his coat pocket and quietly slips in a pair of Vampire fangs he happens to keep with him.

(Why he keeps them with him is beyond me. He also had a banana in his pocket...but I digress)

So he has the Vampire teeth in and the Dames turn around.

Hoag smiles and flashes them a quick glance of his fangs.

Very subtle.

They quickly turned around and their voices hush.

Me and Hoag went back to drinking blood.

Or something.

Legs Diamond. Or something.

OLDEST DAUGHTER: "You have nice legs, Dad!"

WIFEY: "He has skinny girl legs."

OLDEST DAUGHTER: "That's what I mean...I'd love to have legs like him."

ME: "You people are nuts."

Christmas conversations at my shop and at home.

DOLT: "Do you have gift certificates?"

ME: "Yup...how much would you like one for?"

DOLT: "Do you have them for other stores?"

ME: "Why would I sell other stores gift certificates?"

DOLT: "It's Christmas."

----------------------------

DOLT: "Do you have anything for sale?"

ME: "Everything is for sale."

DOLT: "How much?"
----------------------------

DOLT: "Do you have the DUMMIES books?"

ME: "Any particular one?"

DOLT: "Any on knitting?"

ME: "Nope...but I might have a 2009 knitting calendar they might enjoy."

DOLT: "Really?"

ME: "Nope. That was a joke."

DOLT: "Oh."

----------------------

GUY ACROSS THE STREET FROM MY HOUSE: "Come on over for Christmas Eve!"

WIFEY: "Okay...first we have to go over to Mike's house...we'll be over afterwards."

--

CHRISTMAS EVE:...."Hi...were just down the street....is it okay to come over now?"

GUY ACROSS THE STREET: "No...we're tired."

ME to WIFEY: "So we left a fun party NOT to go across the street?"

WIFEY: "Yes."

-----------------------

DOLT: "Do youz hab any vibraiding stigs?

ME: "Vibraiding stigs?"

DOLT: "Yes!"

ME: "No."

--------------

GAL: "Would you like to buy these DVDs?"

ME: "No....but I'll buy your violin."

GAL: "Really...cool!"

-------------------

Phoning it in...sue me.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28390371/

RIP Eartha Kitt

Fickle warlords and other delights.

The following is in the news today:

>>>>>In an effort to win over fickle warlords and chieftains in Afghanistan and get information from them, CIA officials are handing out Viagra pills in exchange for their cooperation, the Washington Post reports.<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< ---------------

Think about it.

Visualize it.

Fickle warlords with four hour erections??

Is this REALLY the proper way to wage a war?

'in exchange for their cooperation'??

Do we really need the CIA getting cooperation from hopped on goofballed fickle warlords?

Fickle Warlords?

What an odd term. Fickle warlords.

If I was in charge?

Cialis. It lasts up to 24 hours.

I'd be getting some good hard information from those soon-to-be not-so-fickle Warlords. For 24 hours.

Or something.

--------

SO TO SUM UP:

Not much better than a post Christmas blog about fickle warlords and erections.

Nuff said.

Merry Christmas from me and Wifey!

I AINT NO OPRAH WILL RETURN AFTER CHRISTMAS.

Unless someone throws boots at the president or there is a huge celebrity death.

Or something.

RIP voice of Star Trek Computer

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28300175/

IANO out.

The Natick Collection (or Natick Correction in Chinese)

So last night I go Christmas shopping at the Natick Mall...whoops....I mean "The Natick Collection".

That's what they call it now. The Natick Collection.

Pompous assholes.

Anyhow...years ago the Natick Mall was a decent, but not great mall.

York Steakhouse. Great smokeshop. Spencers (when Spencers was cool){or was I just younger?} Kaybee (when Kaybee was cool) Sears (when Sears was coo...aw heck, Sears was never cool)

And then about 10-15 years ago they did a major expansion. It became this huge generic mall. You could be in any mall in America.

And it kinda sucked. (The Warner Brothers Store was kinda cool)

Stick with me...this is going somewhere. Maybe.

And now in the last few years they did another HUGE expansion to the Natick Mall...and now it's called The Natick Collection. Basically it's the Mall with a whole 'nother mall connected to it. The Collection part.

It's filled with the lamest most overpriced shops you've ever seen. Women's clothing stores with three dresses per rack (LOOK AT US...WE'RE A TRENDY SHOP WITH ONLY THREE DRESSES PER RACK!! And they're only $700.00 each!)

And Men's shoes stores with $1400.00 pairs of shoes!

And on and on.

Useless empty shops.

Huge wide aisles thru the mall...all without people (The old part of the mall was jammed)

So when am I getting to the point?

---
So anyhow back in the late 1800's folks used the word GAY to mean happy.

Then sometime in the 1970s or so the word GAY meant homosexual.

And then just recently GAY started to just mean LAME. STUPID. "That's so gay!"

But now GAY has a new meaning. GAY means The Natick Collection.

You know...a place where Happy Lame Homosexuals shop.

-----
PS:

If I want $1400.00 shoes I'll just borrow them from Hoagy.

Don't BOGO that shoe joint my friend.

Bogo?

BOGO?

Doesn't everyone know what BOGO is?

Certain retailers THINK you know what it means. Or at least they want you to know what it means so they can be hip and advertise BOGO.

BOGO!

No CONSUMER has ever said "AWESOME...they're holding a BOGO!"

Anyhow...

So I'm at the mall last night and I see a shoe store advertising a BOGO sale and they TOTALLY fucked it up.

Listen up PAYLESS SHOE STORE...a BOGO is a 'Buy One Get One' sale. A BOGO.

But you fools did your BOGO as a BUY ONE GET ANOTHER ONE FOR HALF PRICE...better known in retailer argot as BOGAOFHP.

But a BOGAOFHP doesn't sound as cool as BOGO does it? But you figured you'd use it anyhow. Didn't you?

Jerks.

I hope you and your crappy shoes die a horrible death.

Or...IHYAYCSDAHD.

Or something.

BOGO

Barack Obama discusses the Bush Shoe Attack

WIFEY: "This goes on a bit too long...it's like almost three minutes."

ME: "Whatever."

Another episode of: WHAT WIFEY IS SAYING / WHAT I AM THINKING

-----------
WIFEY: "We should get one of those refrigerators with the freezer on the bottom."

ME: "That sucks that YAZ popped up for the final out in the '78 playoff game."

-----------

WIFEY: "We should get new furniture for the living room."

ME: "That catch by Brunansky was a amazing...still my favorite Red Sox moment."

----------------

WIFEY: "I hate chocolate."

ME: "What kinda idiot hates chocolate?"
---------------

WIFEY: "Do I look fat in these jeans?"

ME: "How the hell did that guy catch that football against his helmet like that?"

--------------

WIFEY: "I want that new such and such cellphone."

ME: "Gravy."

-------------

WIFEY: "Stand up straight...you're always slouching."

ME: "Someday, when the time is right, I must tell WIFEY about my back cancer."

----------

WIFEY: "What should we get the kids for Christmas?"

ME: "I love when people come into my store and give me freshly baked cookies that they made with their kids. It's really quite special even though I really just give the cookies to the homeless."

----------

WIFEY: "Do I look fat in this new outfit?"

ME: "Man...Wifey always looks good."

ME: "Gravy"

GIVE BUSH THOSE SHOES!!!

Seems there was a second shoe-ter.

(Thanks to OmegaMark for the link)

"Christmas Shoes" (possibly CROCS) thrown at Bush (soon to be with Jesus!) But first you have to watch a 30 second BEST BUY commercial.

Happy Birthday, Dick Van Dyke!

RIP Bettie Page

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,465846,00.html

Happy Birthday Youngest! Frank, Maddog's Mom, Bobcat, and of course....Mom.

One is William Devane, the other is the scum sucking Gov. of Illinois

I think I'll have the Ribeye medium rare, mashed potatoes, fresh bread, a Bud light. Maybe even a cigar.

In defense of Barack Hussein Obama

As you know I don't normally defend Adol....I mean Barack Obama.

He doesn't need it.

But there is actually a news report going around that he will use his full name when being sworn in as president.

His full name is Barack Hussein Obama.

And some assclowns are angry that he's being sworn in using that name.

You know, his name.

Should he be sworn in using someone else's name?

There are so many things that we will be ripping Obama for in the coming four years...why waste time dissing him for using his name?

RE-DANK-U-LOUS!

One is the scum-sucking governor of Illinois the other is Otter from Animal House.

Christmas Shoes: Worst thing ever! In fact, it's worse than cancer.

Have you heard this song?? This Christmas Song called Christmas Shoes?

About some kids dying mother?? And shoes?

OH. MY. GOD.

An anvil to the head would be less painful.

Here is the key part:

>>Sir I wanna buy these shoes for my Momma please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry Sir?
Daddy says there's not much time
You see, she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes will make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful
If Momma meets Jesus, tonight.<<<

---
I have a funny feeling 'Momma' ain't gonna look good for Jesus tonight.

I'm guessing the stupid kid bought his 'Momma' a new pair of Crocs.

SO TO SUM UP:
Let's pray that Momma dies and doesn't get the shoes and Jesus thinks she looks horrible.

Merry Christmas.

Give The Perfect Gift.

So I'm driving to work this morning on the Turnpike when all of a sudden I see the Pike's message board a'flashin'.


GIVE THE PERFECT HOLIDAY GIFT!

GIVE THE PERFECT HOLIDAY GIFT!

And I thought...sure. That sounds like a good idea. To give a perfect gift.

And then the sign flashed again:

GIVE A MASSACHUSETTS TURNPIKE GIFT CERTIFICATE!

And now I know what you're all thinking.

You're thinking: "I sure wish I was Wifey come Christmas morning...cuz she's gonna get the perfect gift!"

SO TO SUM UP:
Flashing turnpike signs solve all holiday gift buying angst.

It's the WRITE YOUR OWN CAPTION GAME! Winner will be announced at 5:00 Monday Dec. 8th

Everything is not what it's cracked up to be.

This morning I decide to have a bagel.

This particular brand states that this is the EVERYTHING Bagel

http://thomas.gwbakeries.com/product.cfm/upc/4812125319

It had sesame seeds, poppy seeds, and a bit of onion on it.

EVERYTHING.

How sad is it that poopy seeds, sesame seeds, and a bit of onion is Everything?

It didn't even have close to 'everything' on it. Cuz Everything should always include more than seeds and onions. Seeds and onions.

Everything? I think not.

It should have been called Bagels with some seeds and onions.

Seeds.

Onions.

Everything.

EVERY.

THING.

Everything??

----

SANTA: "So Johnny...what would you like for Christmas?"

JOHNNY: "I WANT EVERYTHING!!"

SANTA TO ELVES: "Pack up those seeds and onions for Johnny...he wants Everything."

-----

Once again....Thomas', YOU SUCK at Everything. Or something.

(Though to be fair, your seeds and onion bagel ain't too shabby)

Remember The Alamo (or something)

Jap Bastards!

Finally.

>>NEW YORK — Martha "Sunny" von Bulow, the heiress who spent the last 28 years of her life in oblivion after what prosecutors alleged were two murder attempts by her husband, died Saturday at age 76.<<


Whatever.

Bettie Page

Yesterday I did a quick little RIP notice on someone named Forry Ackerman. Way cool guy. And over the years he made me a lot of money. Cool+Money=Even Cooler.

And now this story...

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,462924,00.html

...about Bettie Page having a heart attack and being in a coma.

Now Bettie was just drop dead gorgeous. And over the years she has made me lots of money. Drop Dead Gorgeous + Money= Even more Drop Dead Gorgeous.

Or something.

Get well soon, Bettie.

Thank you Bettie! (And Forry)

RIP Forry Ackerman

This guy was way cooler than you could imagine.