Holiday greeting from Crazy Jason!

CRAZY JASON: "Happy New York!"

Pillow Fight!

So for Christmas I asked for a new pillow.

For Christmas I received a new pillow.

That is where the story should end.

It doesn't.

Why doesn't it you ask?

Gather 'round and I'll tell you.

So I get the new pillow and new pillow is excellent for watching tv with. It's firm and it kinda props me up.

So far so good, correct?

But new pillow stays on the couch because that's where I normally watch tv.

So where is old pillow?

Old pillow goes back upstairs on the bed.

'I still see no story here', you think.

So I come home from work yesterday, go upstairs, and notice my old pillow sitting on chair next to bed.

ME: "HEY HONEY!! Why is my pilllow off the bed?"

WIFEY: "It's gross."

ME: "What are you talking about??"

WIFEY: "It's old. It's gross. It's filled with bugs."

ME: "It's not filled with bugs! What makes you even think that??"

WIFEY: "You don't wanna know..."

---

So To Sum Up:

In Wifey's Abby Normal brain I've been using a bug-filled pillow for years, she never said anything about it, and now she won't let me put bug-filled pillow on bed, but for some reason it's okay to put a bug-filled pillow on the chair TWO FEET FROM SAID BED.

------

TO SUM UP SOME MORE:

My pillow(s) are too big for bugs...bugs would want tiny little pillows for their tiny little bug heads.

-----

TO SUM UP JUST A BIT MORE:

Wifey=insane

Me=married to the insane.

------

SUMMING UP SOME MORE:

There ain't no bugs in either pillow.

Though I do think there are mites on Wifey's side of bed.

Christmas Eve Recap

So it was Christmas Eve and I was on my way home early...for some reason Wifey thought I was working my regular hours and had made plans with some of her girlfriends.

I was left alone.

What does one do alone on Christmas Eve?

I did what anybody would do...I went to the local Kentucky Fried Chicken / Taco Bell for a festive meal with my closest homeless friends and vagrants.

Six tacos and a root beer.

I looked around at the pathetic dregs wolfing down popcorn chicken and burritos.

What losers.

What scum.

Lonely. Poor.

Christmas Eve at a combo KFC/Taco Bell.

Did I mention said 'restaurant' was next to a Wal-Mart?

The stench wasn't coming from only the Taco Bell.

Poor pathetic lonely losers alone on Christmas Eve.

And then I noticed the gray haired street lady was looking at me with sad eyes.

SHE LOOKED AT ME LIKE IT WAS ME THAT WAS POOR AND PATHETIC AND EATING ALONE AT TACO BELL/ KFC ON CHRISTMAS EVE!!!

ME!!!!

And I was.

Alone.

Hot sauce dripping down my chin. Shredded cheese strewn about the table.

Alone.

Pathetic.

But then I rose from my seat.

Proud.

Filled with processed meat.

And I took my camera out and took a picture of the Christmas Tree that was in the middle of the floor of the KFC/Taco Bell that was next to a Wal-Mart in an old New England shoe town.

And the folks in the restaurant all smiled. Strangers in a Strange Land.

The counter girl said: "Pretty cool, huh?"

I nodded and smiled at her.

Christmas is special.

So are Tacos and Popcorn Chicken.



(actual photo I took alone on Christmas Eve with a belly filled with meat, tortilla, cheese and lettuce)

Merry Christmas, SEARS!

So last night I stepped into a 1972 time warp.

In America we call it SEARS.

I saw colors I didn't even know existed anymore. It was an avocado/harvest gold explosion of bland.

Racks filled with clothes that were never in style.

Racks of clothes that NEVER WILL be in style.

Bins of wrapping paper that you wouldn't wrap fish in.

Brand names nobody has ever heard of.

Even the lights in the store seemed dim.

The customers were a hodgepodge of fat and sweattpants.

Old folks that were old in 1972 were shopping. Slowly. Oldly.

I spotted one obese hairy felon at the 'perfume' counter sniffing from a bottle of something (Craftsman for Ladies? Kenmore for Her!)

A SEARS jewelry counter.

I glanced at the Notions Department.

It was all so sad.

It was all so SEARS.

An open apology to my youngest daughter.

I'm sorry.

I'm a flawed man and meant you no harm.

To do what I did was probably unforgivable in your eyes.

I'm sorry.

I'm a flawed man.

I could promise I will never do it again but that would probably be a false promise.

For I am a flawed man.

I think you of all people will understand why I did what I did.

For you are a flawed girl.

You share my weakness.

I am sorry.

I take full blame.

I am a flawed man.

All I can do is say I'm sorry and tell you I'll make it up to you.

In no way should you blame yourself for my transgressions.

For I am a flawed man.

I'm weak.

Hitler was flawed.Weak. Charlie Manson and Barack Obama. Flawed. Weak.

Yet they didn't do what I did.

I'm a flawed man and I ate the candy I was going to put in your Christmas stocking.

(Even Hitler didn't do that)

Then again, Hitler wasn't tempted by a bag of bite-sized Heath Bars.

I am a flawed man.

SO TO SUM UP:

You saw that punchline a mile away, didn't cha?

Cougar Town

So this woman comes in the store looking for some gifts for her son.

She's very nice. She asks me for help.

I show her around. Ask a few questions about her son...how old is he, what's he into, etc.

I get a feel for what she's looking for.

Conversation is flowing.

Did I mention she was attractive?

She starts piling up stuff on the counter.

I'm up on the ladder getting hard to reach stuff. "This takes AA batteries!"

Still making conversation. Always looking in my eyes.

It's getting friendlier (but at all times professional)

She's smiling a lot more than when she first came in. She seems real comfortable with me. She's let down her guard (if in fact it was ever up)

She starts telling me how she spent her snowed in Sunday. Kinda private stuff.

She finishes up shopping...I ring her up.

She pays. She looks deep in my eyes.

I think she's into me!

Here is the conversation that follows:

HER: "Would you like to come to bible study with me and my husband Thursday night?"

ME: "No thank you."

--------

SO TO SUM UP

Thursday's are BuddyNight, not JesusNight. (Though Jesus would have made a fine buddy)

I guess.

The Health Care Reform Thingy

So while The Nation shopped for Christmas our (your) politicians basically voted in some seriously flawed Health Care Reform.

It's going to cost hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars.

But the pure genius of the whole thing is that they plan on upping the tax on customers of Tanning Salons to 10%.

I'm not making that up.

It's Write Your Own Caption Weekend!

This is the one about a limo driver that doesn't really have a punchline.

So BuddyNite was winding down from a restaurant packed with holiday revelers (You'll never actually hear someone say 'Holiday Revelers'...it's just used in print)

Anyhow...so we're leaving and we spot this limo sitting outside. And it's a woman driver. She's blonde.

She smiles at us. We smile and wave back.

And then I get in my car and Hoag gets in the passenger seat.

I see the limo.

And I pull up beside it as close as I possibly can. On Hoag's side.

He's roughly eight inches away from said Blonde Limo Driver.

I put the car in park and just sit there for an uncomfortable amount of time.

Uncomfortable for The Hoag that is. And Blonde Limo Driver.

I just stare straight ahead and Hoag squirms for what seems like forever. He's eight inches away from Blonde Limo Driver's window.

Blonde Limo Driver has no idea what we're gonna do. It's borderline creepy. She can't open her door. She starts to open her window.

We start laughing and drive away.

Blonde Limo Driver thinks to herself: 'Assholes!'

And how do I know that she was thinking that?

Trust me...I know.

Silent Night

So I have a radio station on and all they play during the month of December is Christmas songs.

Did you hear me? THAT'S ALL THEY PLAY!!!

So Miss Mensa calls up the station.

Here is that conversation:

MISS MENSA: "Hi...could you play a song for me?"

DJ: "Sure! What would you like to hear?"

MISS MENSA: "Could you play Silent Night for me?"

DJ: "Sure...we'll get that right on."

--------

So now let's gather up the facts:

1)IT'S A RADIO STATION PLAYING NOTHING BUT CHRISTMAS SONG!!!!

2)THEY WERE GONNA PLAY SILENT NIGHT ANYHOW!!!

3) FREEBIRD!!!

Top Ten Things I Like About The Road Construction Across The Street From My Shop The Week Before Christmas!

1.

Ponce De Leon and X-mas shopping

(I looked for a photo of him but could only find drawings...sorry)

Ponce was and is my favorite explorer.

He looked cool.

He was looking for something cool.

Magellan?

Loser.

Went the long way around South America when he could have just discovered the Panama Canal instead. (I love that they named GPS systems after a guy that took the long way around)

Columbus? Dolt.

Thought the USA was India. (SHUT MY DOOR!!)

But Ponce was special.

And had the coolest of names...Ponce De Leon.

Say it. Ponce De Leon.

See? Cool.

And the cool helmet.

Fountain of Youth?

Way cool.

So what does this have to do with me shopping last night?

Well, I was getting a gift card and they asked if I wanted a Spanish one.

A Gift Card in Spanish.

Do I look Spanish?

Did I sound Spanish?

Do I look like Ponce De Leon? (If only)

And why are there so many people from Spain that live in the States?

SO TO SUM UP:

Ponce De Leon=cool

Spanish Gift Cards=Not So Cool.

Vomit on Blitzen

Every year someone comes up with something for a car that makes me mental.

Yellow ribbons.

Anything with a slash thru it.

Baby on Board signs.

Fake bullet holes.

The little shades so the baby doesn't get sun in his eyes. (Babies like sun in their eyes!!)

Wreaths on the front of car.

And on and on.

Stop it.

Especially this:



We know your car isn't really a reindeer.

Douche.

Happy Birthday!

I'm gonna paraphrase a bit from The Howard Stern Show.

So I'm listening to Howard Stern the other day and he has this porn gal on.

(Well, actually the porn gal has a webcam and is talking to them via the computer)

And different folks tell PornGal what to do and she does it and everyone laughs or gasps or what have you.

Some of it is funny...some of it is porn.

But it's on the radio.

I'm laughing.

Then someone asks PornGirl to put fingers up her butt and to do whatvever one does with fingers up their butt.

And she does.

And Howard and the gang start laughing.

Then PornGal asks Howard what he wants her to do.

And Howard replies...

"Wash your hands."

-----

And that is the genius of Howard Stern.

It's Haiku About What An Idiot Theo Epstein Is Day

You traded Manny

Didn't re-sign The Pedro

Dumping Mike Lowell

----

Please enter the I AINT NO OPRAH Bad Poetry Contest.

The sun beats on the lonely farmer.

Crops wilt. Dust blows.

Despair enters his head.

Corn rare.

Locust flee.

The man...hands to his face.

Tears. Fear.

The sun beats on the lonely farmer.

Wind blows.

Emptiness howls.

Beans, wheat, and barley.

No more. The sun beats on the lonely farmer.

Empty pockets. Empty dreams. Empty farm.

Starving cattle. Thinning herd.

The sun beats on the lonely rancher...

29 years ago today The Miami Dolphins beat the New England Patriots 16-13.

WIKIPEDIA: The Dolphins got revenge in a 16-13 overtime win at the Miami Orange Bowl. The Patriots clawed to a 13-6 lead in the fourth quarter, then the Dolphins forced overtime with a David Woodley throw to Nat Moore in the fourth, then Uwe von Schamann won it with a 23-yard field goal in the extra quarter. The game, though, wound up taking a back seat to the announcement by Howard Cosell that John Lennon had been shot and killed.

Bryant Gumbel Battling Cancer

That's what the headlines say.

'BRYANT GUMBEL BATTLING CANCER'

Battling?

Is he actually battling cancer or does he just have cancer?

Battling?

Is Cancer afraid of Bryant?

Is Cancer favored in their 'battle'?

Is it a 12 round fight...or maybe a 15 rounder?

Bryant Gumbel has cancer and maybe some doctors are giving him some treatment.

Battling cancer?

The only person that will battle cancer will be me.

And possibly Frazier and Ali.

And maybe Marvin Hagler.

The Perfect Brownie Pan

Because it's SO GODDAMN HARD TO CUT BROWNIES!!!

Lazy bitches!

Never forget.

Remember Pearl Harbor?

Yeah...I thought so.

I find this hard to believe.

WIFEY: "I have to study for this test all day."

ME: "I have the day off...I'm just gonna sit right here and talk to you. All. Day. Long."

WIFEY: "You don't have the day off. You're a jerk. No wonder people are always mad at you."

ME: "People are always mad at me?"

WIFEY: "Yes."

Cats in the Belfry

No Joy In Mudville Tonight.

I changed my mind already.

"Honk for 20% off on Holiday Cards!"

That's what the sign said in front of a store this morning.

So on a $2.00 card I can save 40 cents.

And I'm supposed to honk for that?

So guess what I did?

WRONG!!!

Instead of honking for 20% off on Holiday Cards I honked for Jesus.

And possibly pizza.

What does Steely Dan sing today?

(I'm glad I took five days off....I'm full of fresh material)

Gone Fishin'

Back on Monday the 30th.

Notes from inside the New England Patriots game.

So I went to the New England Patriots game yesterday.

Wanna read about the game?

Get the sports page.

Wanna read about my view of the game?

Read on.

So I go to the men's room....huge lines inside.

While inside I see this sign on the wall. I take a picture of it.

(Drunken football fans love when you start snapping pix in the men's room.)





Do we really need signs telling us not to drink from the urinals and toilets?

-----------------


And guess what?




Turns out I wasn't in the men's room.

"But your honor, I HAD to!"

So a few minutes ago I see this old lady walking down the street and she's wearing an ill-fitting sweatshirt that had the above logo/design on it.

I'm gonna kill a cat tonight.

It's her fault.

SO TO SUM UP:

Cats don't really leave paw prints on our hearts. They just don't.

Though some of them are kinda cute.

Possibly stolen (and edited) from an AP wire story:

NEAR BOSTON (AP) - I AINT NO OPRAH was set to announce Friday that his powerhouse blog, the foundation of a multibillion-dollar media empire with legions of fans, will end its run in 2011 after 25 seasons on the air.

IANO planned to announce the final date for "THE I AINT NO OPRAH BLOG" during a live broadcast, according to his production company, IANO Productions Inc.

Many fans heading into IANO Studios on Friday morning seemed to support I AINT NO WINFREY'S decision to end the blog.

"You always want to end a blog when people want more - and not when people are sick of the same old tired beat into the ground gags (and the Beatles Game)," said Rebecca Switaj, 31, of Chicago.

Circle Jerk

Do you remember the other day when I was complaining about Circle Jerk coming into my shop every day and just walking around in clockwise circles...sometimes for up to twenty minutes?

He's driving me nuts.




Now he's coming in, sometimes for up to twenty minutes, walking in clockwise circles, AND NOW HE'S TOUCHING EVERY BOOK IN THE STORE!!!

And he's not an attractive gal like the psycho circle walking book touching bitch in the picture.

Bet ya can't make it all the way through!

Breaking Fake News!

Obama's Home Teleprompter Malfunctions During Family Dinner

With thanks to Mel Brooks.

So I get up this morning with a bad case of 'bed head'.

Wifey looks at me.

Here is that conversation:

WIFEY: "What's up with your hair??"

ME: "What do you mean what's up with my hair?"

WIFEY: "You look like Caesar!"

ME: "Seize this!"

Crazy Jason and Joe Sinnott

CRAZY JASON: "Do you know Joe Sinnott?"

ME: "The guy who used to ink for Marvel Comics?"

CRAZY JASON: "Yes...him."

ME: "I know of Joe...what about him?"

CRAZY JASON: "Well, if you say his name in a slurred way it sounds like Joe Snot."

ME: "Thank you."

And he's back!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drThis guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

_______

SO TO SUM UP:
This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drThis guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

PS:

I think he's on heavy meds.

PPSS

He told me he likes Supergirl.

PPPSSS:


This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drThis guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

_______

SO TO SUM UP:
This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drThis guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

This guy comes in every day and just walks around in circles for twenty minutes or so and it drives me NUTS!

Oliver

So we're watching some show last night and some lady discusses her pet. Wifey decides to ask her a question (Even though it was a TV show and the lady can't hear Wifey or answer her.)

LADY ON TV SHOW: "His name is Oliver, but we call him Ollie!"

WIFEY: "SO WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST NAME HIM OLLIE!!??"

--------

SO TO SUM UP:
Saturday Night at the IANO Ranch.

Probably the best story you'll read this weekend.

(Nov. 6) -- Allison Henry isn't the first to suffer from a horrifying medical condition that few women talk about. But her case was particularly bad, and she's just one of the few brave souls willing to come forward so that others will have the courage to seek help.

To put it bluntly, as Henry does: "My vagina fell out of my body."


--------

FOR THE FULL STORY:

http://www.sphere.com/2009/11/06/woman-reveals-health-horror-my-vagina-fell-out/?icid=main|htmlws-main-w|dl1|link4|http%3A%2F%2Fwww.sphere.com%2F2009%2F11%2F06%2Fwoman-reveals-health-horror-my-vagina-fell-out%2F

Nuff Said

The Fort Hood Shooter and Broccoli

Is shooting and killing thirteen people deranged?

Perhaps.


The following is the part that jumped out at me:


:::::::She said Hasan gave her frozen broccoli, spinach, T-shirts and shelves on Wednesday, then returned Thursday morning and gave her his air mattress, several briefcases and a desk lamp.:::::::::::


That's deranged.

You're about to fire up hell on an army base but first you make sure you get rid of your broccoli??

And not just any kind of broccoli.

Frozen Broccoli.

Kudos to The New York Yankees!

Pretend like this says something clever about The Phillies and Dynamite.

Just play the goddamn game!

ME: "You're starving to death...what do you eat...a dog or a cat?"

WIFEY: "Neither."

ME: "You HAVE to pick one. You're starving to death...cat or dog?"

WIFEY: "I'm not eating a cat or a dog."

ME: "You don't have to kill it...it will be prepared. Cat or dog?"

WIFEY: I am not going to eat a cat or dog. That's gross!"

ME: "You're on an island. You're starving to death! A cat. Or a dog?"

WIFEY: "I'm not eating a cat or a dog."

ME: "Do you want some popcorn?"

WIFEY: "No thank you."

This is it.

ME: "Did you go see the new Michael Jackson movie?"

GUY: "Who plays Michael?"

Crazy Jason and Gary Gygax

CRAZY JASON: "Do you know Gary Gygax?"

ME: "I know of him...why?"

CRAZY JASON: "Is he from Hungary?

ME: "I'm not sure."

Boyfriend Jeans

You might want to do a google image search on "boyfriend jeans"

These are possibly worse than the Capri scare of 2003-2009.

Deadlier than the (luckily short-lived) Croc infestation of 2008.

-----

Dear Women of all shapes and sizes,

You won't look good in these!

Don't wear them!!

Love,
I AINT NO OPRAH

Dear UNICEF,

Next year please keep your begging mulattos away from my house.

Thank you in advance!

LOVE,
I AINT NO OPRAH.


(I'm probably in trouble for today's post, huh?)

What to say to Trick or Treaters!!

Don't like talking to trick or treaters?

Don't know what to say to them?

Use this handy Cheat-Sheet of time-honored classics:

1) "Aren't you ADORABLE!! Hey Honey, come here and look at this Cutie!"

2) "OHHHH!! Scary!!!"

3) "And what are YOU supposed to be?"

4) "Aren't you kinda old to be trick or treatiing??"

5) "We're out of candy...would you like a penny or a band-aid"

6) "You're out kinda late, huh?"

7) "Oh, look, our first Batman!" (19th Batman)

8) "Oh, look, our first Princess!" (27th Princess)

9) "HOBO!"

10) "GET OFFA MY LAWN!!!"

Or maybe this one?

Best song of the 1980s (because I said so!)

MASH-UPS

I've gone my whole life without hearing the term 'mash-up'.

But now all of a sudden in the last two weeks I've heard it fourteen or eighteen times!! Maybe nineteen times!

STOP WITH THE MASH-UPS! (does Federal Express get angry at this??)

The only thing I want mashed up is my potatoes.

And butternut squash. Little brown sugar. Lots of butter.





-----

A visit from Lois and her kids

So Lois and her kids stop in the shop today for a visit.

The little guy spots a Black Jesus bobblehead doll.

Here is the conversation that followed:

LITTLE GUY: "Mom! Who is this?"

LOIS: "That's Black Jesus."

LITTLE GUY: "What can he do?"

LOIS: "Everything White Jesus can. And dance."

The Heimlich Manure

So I wake up last night and that is going through my brain.

I know it's a 'winner'.

The Heimlich Manure.

I know it's a great punchline. I'll build a story around it and then BAM!

Heimlich Manure.

The guffaws will be heard from here to there.

I will be famous.

The Heimlich Manure!

Funny funny.

And then I thought..."Crap, that's something Crazy Jason would think of!"

It's only a matter of time before he calls with a Heimlich Manure story.

I know this.

I think he's inside me.

Or something.

I think I just came up with a way to keep America safe from ever being attacked.

It's a simple plan.

Most of our clothes are made overseas, correct?

So lets change up sizing.

Huh?

We'll send design changes to the factories in Taiwan and China and Pakistan etc.

For example:

A man's dress shirt that would normally be an extra-large...now label it small. They will think we're HUGE!

A normally XXL shirt?? Label it medium. They will tremble.

Etc.


These dumb ass countries will think Americans are GIANTS and POWERFUL and they will leave us alone. ("Amelicans berry big, berry strong")

Clever, huh?

Excuse me while I wash in my own genius.

PS:

We'll also change female dress sizes to a minimum of 40. Keep the bastards from wanting our women.

God Bless America.

It was five years ago today, Sgt Pepper taught the band to play

Joe

Gaffe-Prone Biden Embarrasses Nation Yet Again By Sneezing During Meeting

You remind me of a man.

"What man?"

"A man with a power."

"Power of what?"

"Voodoo."

"Who do?"

"Do what?"

"Remind me of a man."

"What man?"

"A man with a power."

"Power of what?"

"Voodoo."

"Who do?"

"Do what?"

"Remind me of a man."

"What man?"

"A man with a power."

"Power of what?"

"Voodoo."

"Who do?"

"Do what?"

"Remind me of a man."

"What man?"

Or something.
-----

Phillies in seven.

Swine Flu. You got that?

It's Swine Flu. (It's just been declared a National Emergency! Good thing Obama is on the ball...oh, wait...he knew about this eight months ago)

Swine Flu.

That's what you call it.

That's what I call it.

Swine Flu.

But somehow in the last couple of weeks the media is calling it H1N1 Flu.

All scientific-ey

Or IS it the media that's calling it H1N1?

Could it be...our government??

It's one of the two.

Or could it be the Pig Lobby? (don't wanna be giving pigs a bad name or anything)

It's Swine Flu. You know it. I know it. They know it. But they're now calling it H1N1 Flu


Swine Flu...it rolls off the tongue. H1N1 Flu...not so much.

When you look at H1N1 in print your (my) first thought is that it's pronounced 'HINEY'

I wish it was the Hiney Flu. Something humorous about that.

The Hiney Flu.

Point of the story?

If the Hoag had actually been the one to invent taxicabs he would be a very very wealthy man. With Hiney Flu.

Or something.

I want soup! (RIP)

Million dollar idea, two dollar brain. Or is it a two dollar idea in a million dollar brain?

I'm gonna paraphrase a conversation with the Hoag.

HOAG: "I just came up with a million dollar idea!"

ME: "And what might that be?"

HOAG: "Well, let's say you're out drinking and you drink too much..."

ME: "Yeah, yeah...go on?"

HOAG: "Well, we could provide a driving service where we pick you up at wherever you're drinking and drive you home."

ME: "You mean like a taxi cab?"

HOAG: "I guess it is....crap."

ME: "Should we have another drink?"