Funny New Year's Resolutions

I hate them.

They're never funny.

Meanwhile back at the Toolbooth.

The Ticketmaster Booth

So yesterday I'm in The Mall when I spot a Ticketmaster booth.

(Hmmmm.....that's a good idea)

Maybe I'll get a couple of tickets to a cool show for my daughter.

Or something.

Here is the conversation at the Ticketmaster booth:

ME: "Hi...may I see a list of upcoming events?"

TICKETMASTER: "Oh, we don't have a list. You'd have to know what you want beforehand for us to search our data base."

ME: "May I please have two tickets to The Beatles at Shea Stadium..."

SpotA R1 from Michael Guerity on Vimeo.

Now picture Homer Simpson saying "Mmmmmm....frozen meats!"

(Most stores tend to offer Fresh Meats. Wal-Mart seems to like Reagan era surplus frozen meat)

Don't you love that Wal-Mart has a sliced cheese department?

I've been making fun of Wal-Mart but found this one shot from Target. It's a lonely Jewish Candle Holder on clearance. With some other crap.

The politician of snack foods. (another in our Wal-Mart series of posts)

Let's take a look at this snack.

Clearly it's trying to be something for everyone.

It's baked! So it must be healthy!

It's wheat! So it must be American!

It's crispy! People LOVE crispy!

It's part of the cracker family! People love the cracker family!

It's in the ever popular stick form! People love the stick form in their snacks!

It's honey AND butter flavored! Honey is awesome by itself....toss in some butter and you have super awesome!

Ten packs per box! Folks love packs of snacks inside boxes of snacks!

Only 100 calories per pack!

Cute picture of the the Snack Mascot!

Do I need to mention it's a Pringles product?

My Trip To Wal-Mart

The type of merchandise a store carries usually tells a lot about the type of customer that shops there.

I went into Wal-Mart yesterday. A filthy hellhole if ever there was one.

The homeless freak clanging his bell in the front of the store for donations to his 'Army'

The stretch pants.

I think this whole week will be devoted to what I saw at Wal-Mart.

All photos were taken by me.

Dolores

I'm at a family Christmas party last night.

Here is part of a conversation:

---

GIRL COUSIN: "Do you have a vulva?"

ME: "No...I have a penis."

GIRL COUSIN: "I said do you have a Volvo...you're blocking Billy in the driveway."

ME: "Yes....I will go move it."

BBQ and Sewer Repair shop.

Why did The Beatles cross the Abbey Road?

To get to the other side.

Thirty years ago today Sgt. Pepper taught something.

Outside his home, with his wife, shot down.

Here we have him performing with the great Doris Day.

Remember Pearl Harbor?

Happy Hanukkah

The Dull Monster (If I named this post Avocado it would give away the punchline)

For years and years and years the fear was there.

I was afraid.

Monsters.

And then they were gone for a few weeks.

Scared.

Then BAM!... they would appear again.

I did my best to stay away.

In fact, I was very good at staying away.

My whole life passed without contact.

I knew they were around but most of the time I didn't even give them a second thought.

Until they popped up.

And I would recoil in fear.

GET AWAY!!

That's how I thought anyhow.

Years and years and years.

And then this past Saturday night we went to The Brit's house for dinner.

And she put the avocados on the salad.

And I ate them. Because I'm polite. And they didn't taste at all like I thought they would!

They weren't as good as Green Eggs and Ham, but they weren't bad either. Kinda bland tasting.

Decades of fear out the window.

Avocado: You dull son of a bitch!

#72 in a series of rude comments I've made at The Brits house.

ME: "That's good that you were able to get this many people together that like over-cooked pasta."

Mel Gibson and The Beaver.

I guess Jodie Foster directed Mel in some movie called The Beaver slated for release next year.

Here is a sentence from a new article about said film. Make sure you have your ten dollars ready to buy a ticket.
---

'Foster has remained supportive of Gibson, and has described the actor's performance in "The Beaver" as "one of his most powerful and moving performances." In the film, Gibson plays a troubled husband who begins to communicate solely through a beaver hand puppet.'

Name That Car!

So the other day my youngest daughter bought her first car. A used one.

Here is a mash-up of text and actual conversations that have since taken place with me ,her, and Wifey.

ME: "So...did you you name the car yet?"

DAUGHTER: "No."

ME: "How about Russell?"

DAUGHTER: "No."

ME: "How about The Bull?"

DAUGHTER: "No."

ME: "Don't you want to name it?"

DAUGHTER: "No."

WIFEY: "You have to name a car. Well, used cars you have to name."

Hey you! Nancy Pelosi...how big is your penis?

Another sentence from another news story!

Under pressure from outraged taxpayers and calls by members of Congress to investigate its funding, the National Portrait Gallery at the Smithsonian Institution removes a controversial video exhibit entitled 'A Fire in My Belly' — which includes a depiction of Jesus on the cross being eaten by ants.

Two sentences from a news story.

Morley learned that Christie was not going to reappoint him, due in part to a 2009 case in which he dismissed animal-cruelty charges against a Moorestown cop accused of sticking his penis into the mouths of five calves.

Morley said there was no way of knowing whether the calves had been "puzzled" or "tormented" by the officer's actions.

Conversation in the barber chair.

HAIR STYLIST: "Now look straight."

ME: "You don't think I look straight?"

HAIR STYLIST: "Look forward please."

ME: "I look straight, right?"

CBS News gives up on graphics and information.

Or is that all the information we really need?

Random things said in my shop not by me.

"Are you eating peanut butter? I can smell peanut butter."

------

"Say Hi to Steve, Say Hi to Steve, Say Hi to Steve, Say Hi to Steve, Say Hi to Steve."

----

"Hi Teve."

-----

"Do you buy crap? I have a lot of crap."

-----

"That's a player piano."

-----------

"I think I'll buy those at the Worcester store instead....they called me."

-----

"I have a bunch of shit...do you buy shit?"

----

"Can you call Verizon for me and help me get my Fios set up?"

----

"Will you be open Thanksgiving? Doesn't matter...I won't be around anyhow."

----

"One person thought I was 46 and another wanted me to be Santa."

----

"That's Kathleen Turner from Body Heat."

-----

"We still have over an hour before we have to be home, let's kill it here!"

----

"I was selling crack, robbing people, breaking into stores....how have YOU been?"

----

"You must be really good at Tetris to fit all of this in your store."

----

"KISS will put their name on ANYTHING!"

----

"The Beatles were a recording group, The Stones were a touring group."

-----

Wifey knows Wifeys

I'm watching some lame awards show last night and Wifey pokes her head up out of her burrow.

Here is part of that conversation:

WIFEY: "Do you know who he's married to?"

ME: "Who is he married to?"

WIFEY: "Katy Perry."

(Wifey usually tells me who is married to who)

---

A few minutes later Carlos Santana appears on stage. I decide to ask Wifey a question.

ME: "Who is Carlos Santana married to?"

WIFEY: "Mrs. Santana."

Yagazoozi-Zim!

She loves me!!!

WIFEY: "I love you with all my heart, but could you please just shut up?!!"

It's very beautiful (so said the subject box of today's spam)

It's very beautiful!
When you have a big penis!


http://shopsmash.ru

Who's On First?

Why is the First Lady covering her penis?

When is a quarter a half of a fifth or a third? When it is ajar....that's when.

So last night Wifey and I go out to a local BBQ place for a bite to eat.

Wifey wants a BBQ chicken sandwich, I want a burger.

Here is the conversation.

WIFEY: "I want the bbq chicken and I also want a hamburger, but I can't eat that much."

ME: "Why don't we split it up...you give me half of your chicken sandwich and I'll give you half of my burger."

WIFEY: "That sounds good but I don't want half of your burger...just cut me a piece."

----
So our food arrives. I cut my burger into four equal sized pieces. Some people would call that quarters.

So I give Wifey 1/4 of my burger (Remember...she didn't want half)

WIFEY: "That's all you're giving me???"

--

So let's sum up:

Somehow you have to be a math wizard to figure out how much food to give Wifey. Half is too much, a quarter is too little. Sorry, Baby....but food don't be coming in no fifths or thirds.

-----

#43

Jet ski across the Pacific Ocean.

(I didn't laugh either)

The Dear Sir/Ma gave it away:

Continuing our popular feature...Let's Look In The Spam Folder

---------------------

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Awaiting your prompt reply soon and have a great time with business.



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Commendable Ltd
Email Address :-

Correction time.

So Wifey read yesterday's Hawaii Five-0 blog.

She informed me she didn't use the word 'ain't'. She also informed me she never uses the word 'ain't'.

She told me her words were: "You aren't Five 0"

I ain't Five-0.

Damn.

I wish I was Five-0.

Or something.

A simple request.

So last night we're watching Hawaii Five-0.

Here is our conversation:

ME: "At my funeral I want that theme music playing."

WIFEY: "You ain't Five-0."

Jack a dull boy

So yesterday I took the day off to go to a New England Patriots game.

Even when I have a day off there is work to do...

Don't you hate inside jokes?

Does Nybol seem a bit forward?

Hello,

I hope my message meets you in a good condition, it's my pleasure to write you this message because I want us to establish a long lasting relationship that will lead to marriage. I am looking for someone who can commit to a long term relationship and who is willing to work through all the "stuff" that life presents and I hope age or race will not be a barrier to us. Would you please tell me more about yourself.

Nybol
**Kisses***

Happy Halloween!

350 large

For a limited time!

People are happy.

There is a bounce in the step.

You can see it on folks.

Life is good...McRibs are back!

A rib shaped piece of pork smothered in bbq sauce? (get them without the pickles and onions)

Anyhow...Here are a few McRib conversations from home:

::just coming in with a few McRibs:::

ME: "BIG NEWS!!! McRibs are BACK!! Would you like one!!???"

WIFEY: "No."

------------

::A few days later::

ME: "So, are all of your friends talking about McRibs?"

WIFEY: "No."

From our friends at The Onion:

The Rent Is Too Damn High!

Punks on da bridge.

Ever been driving down the highway when you see a school bus filled with kids and they wave to you?

And you wave back?

Kinda makes you feel good for some reason.

This morning I'm tooling down the Pike when I see four punks on the bridge up ahead.

They look like they're giving drivers a hard time. One of them is hanging on the chainlink safety fence.

I get closer. Unlike the school bus filled with kids, I decide to give them the finger.

I'm not sure why I decided to do that.

I put my middle finger right up on my windshield and gave it to them! I almost snarled at them. Somehow they pissed me off. I have no idea why.

And then I got closer.

My finger still being given.

And I noticed it was a Dad with his three kids. The one hanging on the chainlink fence was actually just the youngest kid being held up by his Dad.

Out of context quote from The Onion Guy!

"Oh, no! What are their shareholders going to think?"

Butternut Squash Ravioli

MIKE THE SERVER: "So have you decided what you'd like?"

ME: "Ummm...I think I'll try the Butternut Squash Ravioli."

MIKE THE SERVER: "Why are you ordering a ladies meal?"

And it better be good!!

Jack Lemmon.

He would have been 70 today.

Bigger than Jesus.

Helicopters

GUY: "Do you have any helicopters?"

ME: "Hmmmm....let me check."

GUY: "The kind that fly."

Wifey Likes My Shirt!

WIFEY: "I like that shirt on you. Except for the way it fits you on your hump."

The Jesus Cookbook Guy

I just had a sales guy/cult member in the shop that was trying to sell me Jesus books (and cookbooks)

Here is part of that conversation:

JESUS CULT SALES GUY: "...and always remember, Jesus loves you!"

ME: "He should."

The Mosque Man

So this guy comes in my shop the other day. He has a heavy accent.

I can't quite place it. He looks like he's from the Middle East somewhere. India? Maybe Pakistan? Iran?

I have no idea.

Here is the conversation that follows:

HIM: "Do you have a mosque?"

ME: "Do I have a mosque?"

HIM: "Yes...do you have a mosque?"

ME: "Like a statue or model kit of a mosque?"

HIM: "No...a mosque."

ME: "I'm sure there is one in town but I'm a store and don't think I have the room for a mosque."

HIM: "No...a mosque! A mosque!"

ME: "I don't have a mosque."

HIM: "Where can I get a mosque!?"

ME: "I have no idea. I've never even thought about it before."

HIM: "The man down the street said you have mosques."

ME: "The man down the street is wrong. I sell toys and comic books. I don't have a mosque. I don't even go to church."

HIM: "Not mosque, MOSQUE!"

(At this point I'm in an episode of Get Smart..."Not Craw! CRAW!")

ME: "You want a mosque?"

HIM: "Not mosque...MOSQUE!!!"

ME: "Ohhhh...now I get it. A mask. You want a mask?"

HIM: "Yes...a mosque."

ME: "All I have is this Yoda. Would you like the Yoda mask?"

HIM: "No thank you...I'm looking for a different mosque."

----------------
SO TO SUM UP
No wonder there are so many wars.

I can't believe I made this mistake!!!

GUY: "Hi...do you have any robots?"

ME: "Well, I have this here C3PO and this R2-D2."

GUY: "Those are droids. I'm looking for robots."

Smean

WIFEY: "You're smean!"

ME: "I'm not smean."

WIFEY: "I said you're smean!"

ME: "I'm not smean."

WIFEY: "I didn't say smean...I said You Are So Mean!"

ME: "I'm not smean."

Buddy Nite=Gay Wine Night? I think not.

Mel Gibson and The Burger King (or is it the other way around?)

(swiped somewhere online)

Toilet Paper (Bathroom Tissue as it's probably known as in Canada)

So I'm looking at a roll of toilet paper and I notice on the wrapper it states: SEPTIC SYSTEM SAFE.

And I started thinking.

Are there really toilet papers that are UNSAFE for septic systems?

It's toilet paper. It gets flushed.

What could make a toilet paper UNSAFE for a septic system? Is it made out of mercury? Acid? Hair?

It's toilet paper...they are all safe for septic systems.

What would be the point of making unsafe for septic system toilet paper?

(And please don't play the town sewage card)

A short photo-journal from an old LIFE magazine (was someone REALLY blaming their grocer? Really?)

A short photo-journal of a night at Fenway Park.

The guy with the messed up kid.

So I just saw this guy walking with his messed up kid.

Some kind of mental 'condition'. The kid walked funny. Every so often he would just scream out something. Random clapping.

Mental condition.

And I felt bad. But not for the kid.

I felt bad for the Dad.

For the rest of his life this Dad has to take care of this clappin', screamin', mental conditioned kid.

And then it hit me!

This Dad is a better person than I could ever be!

I couldn't do what he does. The love. The caring. The hand holding.

But then about two minutes later I thought about it some more.

I realized I'm probably a better person than Tardo's Dad.

I just don't have kids that walk funny. And scream and stuff.

RIP

Sometimes you get what you ask for.

So yesterday I was with Cousin Saul and we stopped to get a quick bite to eat.

I ordered a 'hot dog'. I used the words 'hot' and 'dog'.

The lady took my order.

When my food arrived I had this ENORMOUS hot dog on my plate! Probably 12-16 inches long (save the jokes, Losers!)

And it was greasy and horrible and everything in between.

So I said to Cousin Saul "Have you ever seen such a thing?"

And Cosuin Saul replied: "It's named Dog-Zilla, what did you expect?"

He wasn't lying. There on the menu board (fancy place, huh?) it mocked me. DOGZILLA $3.95.

By the end of Dogzilla I ended up enjoying him (save the jokes, Losers!)

9/11

I'll never forget that image of the plane hitting that field in Pennsylvania somewhere.

Grass was disturbed. Dirt and dandelions flew everywhere.

Someone might have died.

I don't really remember.

So the Crazy Pastor called off his Koran Burning Party

So what the hell am I supposed to do with these?

Talking and Television.

We've been married a long time.

A long time.

We also watch a lot of TV.

A lot of TV.

Maybe too much TV. I don't know.

And I love talking to Wifey....but now with DVRs there ain't no commercials.

So when to talk??

And I'm feeling a little guilty. Maybe we don't talk enough?

Here is the conversation we had last night:

ME: "We get along real good but do you think we talk enough?"

WIFEY: "You talk too much."

Sorry, but Saturday is reserved for burnin' bibles!

Death

So Wifey and I were talking about death last night.

Here is part of that conversation:

ME: "So how do you think you'll die?"

WIFEY: "I'll probably kill myself."

Dumpster Questions

So last week we decided to do a large purge at the house.

We wanted to clean out the basement, the attic, and the room over the garage.

It was all stuff that at one point thought we'd want later in life. Old folks love broken VCRs and children's books. And old bureaus. And bed frames. Old computers. Christmas decorations.

And stuff.

And stuff.

And stuff.

So we rented one of those huge construction site type dumpsters.

$360.00 and that cost is based on weight.

So I asked the lady at the dumpster place a few questions.

Here is part of that conversation:

ME: "So if the cost is based on weight what happens if it rains and all the stuff I throw in there gets soaked with water?

HER: "What do you mean?"

ME: "For example...if I throw a mattress away won't it absorb the water and weigh way more?"

HER: "It should dry out. By the way...we did tell you that there is an additional charge of $30.00 for throwing away a mattress?

ME: "What about a box spring?"

HER: "Let me check.....:::time::::.....Yup....$30.00."

ME: "But a box spring isn't a mattress....is it?"

HER: "$30.00."

ME: "What if I break up the box spring?"

HER: "Let me check...:::time:::...if you break it up there would be no additional charge."

ME: "So sometimes you DON'T charge for a mattress."

HER: "I guess."

ME: "What else do I get charged extra for?"

HER: "Tires are $25.00."

ME: "What if they are tires from my kid's tri-cycles?"

HER: "Regular sized tires."

ME: "So giant tractor tires are free?"

HER: "Those would be $25.00."

ME: "So not just regular sized tires?"

HER: "Correct."

ME: "Anything else?"

HER: "Appliances are $40.00."

ME: "So I'm gonna be charged $40.00 for trhowing away a $10.00 toaster!!!???"

HER: "Large appliances."

ME: "Is a blender a large appliance?"

HER: "No."

ME: "Pasta maker?"

HER: "No."

ME: "Ice cream maker?"

HER: "No."

ME: "Bread maker?"

HER: "No."

ME: "So what is a large appliance?"

HER: "Washer and dryer. Ovens.

ME: "What about a toaster oven. That's an oven."

HER: "Are you having fun?"

ME: "I just don't like surprises."

HER: "Any other questions?"

ME: "I just want to get something straight...I'm paying $360.00 to get rid of my trash but you charge me extra for trash."

HER: "Yes."

ME: "Thank you."

-----------------

This is the shortened version of the actual conversation. At one point I was making up appliances and she stayed professional the whole time.

Happy Labor Day!

I've clearly given up.

I've got nothing.

Notice how Wifey doesn't like to be told what to do.

Reason #37 why women don't like to shop at comic book stores.

LOIS: "Oh, you have Silly Bandz!"

ME: "Yup...they came in last week."

LOIS(looking at my bare wrists): "You should put some on!"

ME: "I have some on."

Q:How many Russians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: One.

Remember when people thought Obama was cool?

The one about the caution tape.

So last night was buddy nite and at the end of the evening the two distinguished gentlemen (me and Hoag) decided to have a cigar.

We smoked them outside, in front of the restaurant.

We decided we would look much cooler if we cordoned off a section of the patio area using some caution tape and smoke the cigar while sitting behind the caution tape barrier.

Caution Tape? Check. Cigars? Check. Looking Cool? Check.

And then a car pulled up beside us.

Here is the conversation that followed:

PEOPLE IN CAR: "HEY!! Can we have that caution tape?"

US: "Yup."

A Day Off

I've worked every day for the last four or five months without a day off.

Maybe longer.

Seven days a week. Every week. Even the 4th of July.

I work. It's what I do.

But starting soon I'm going to start having one day off a week.

I was explaining this to Wifey and her friend.

So Wifey's friend asks what I'll do on my day off.

This is how Wifey responded:

WIFEY: "He'll probably just lay on the couch all day watching movies."

--------

You know, because I'm lazy.

She has one tooth left.

Weird Poops

DAUGHTER: "We have some weird poops in the yard."

ME: "Huh?"

DAUGHTER: "All around the yard I see weird looking poop."

ME: "It's probably from skunks or the woodchuck."


DAUGHTER: "I don't think so."

--------

A few weeks go by:

One of the neighbors comes over and tells me she saw some wild turkeys in my back yard.

-----------
LATER THAT NIGHT:

ME: "Remember those weird poops you saw in the yard...I was told there were some wild turkeys out there this morning. It's probably from them."


DAUGHTER: "I don't think so."

---------
CHORUS:
Weird poops.
Weird poops.
Weird poops.

Sinatra and the Stooge

So the other night me and Hoag were discussing the fine art of tipping.

He mentioned how Sinatra had someone that paid his dinner and bar tabs.

Here is that conversation:

HOAG: "So Sinatra never had to worry about tipping...he had some stooge with a wad of bills handle that."

-----

I just knowingly looked at Hoag.

Brilliant ideas come at 4:00 am.

Have you ever heard the story of how the Rolling Stones got the song Satisfaction?

Keith Richards woke up in the middle of the night with the riff in his head. And somehow recorded it before passing out in a drunken stupor.

Have you ever heard where I figured out how to beat the casinos at roulette?

It was was brilliant...I was so excited! I tossed and turned after coming up with it. Finally I called Cousin Saul. We were gonna kick Atlantic City arse!

Saul quickly figured out what was wrong with my plan. (The casinos set betting limits...otherwise I had them)

Anyhow...

Last night I woke up with this other brilliant idea!

Borderline genius!

I was too tired to jot it down...but awake enough to remember it.

The next time I went a plane trip I would buy a huge box of pens.

About an hour into the trip I would take said box of pens and walk down the aisle handing them out to the happy crowd.

SO TO SUM UP:

The song Satisfaction is better than me handing out a box of pens on a plane.

Handing out pens on a plane was brilliant at 4:00am.

Really.

It appears that Wal-Mart speak-a-da-Spanish.

///////“We spend a lot of time listening to our customers,” says Amy Lester, a spokeswoman for Wal-Mart////////////////

A good old fashioned 9/11 post.

Remember the 9/11 attacks?

Around the clock news coverage?

Do you think if it had happened on a busy news day we would have even heard about it?

A Wifey/Daughter conversation

WIFEY: "Did you just see that??"

DAUGHTER: "What?"

WIFEY: "What he just did."

DAUGHTER: "He didn't do anything."

WIFEY: "I told you that is what he'd do."

DAUGHTER: "What?"

WIFEY: "That he wouldn't even look at me."

DAUGHTER: "Why wouldn't he look at you."

WIFEY: "Because he's your father and I'm wearing capris."

SURCHARGE!!

So I go down to the Town Hall today to pay my real estate taxes.

I like doing it in person. They have candy at the pay window.

I start writing out my check.

I notice a CPA surcharge on my bill $25.63.

What??? My town doesn't factor in accounting into my real estate bill??

Did they just make up numbers before??

So I talk to the lady at the counter. Here is that conversation:

ME: "Are you people greedy? Insane? CPA SURCHARGE!!??? How dare you charge me an accounting fee surcharge on my real estate bill!! You know every freakin' year you're going to have to figure this out and pay accountants!!"

LADY: "Sir..."

ME: "Listen...I'm sick of you weasels bleeding me dry! Accounting fee!! What kinda bullshit is an accounting surcharge!!???"

LADY: "Sir..."

ME: "CPA surcharge?? That's crazy!!"

LADY: "Sir, if you'd..."

ME: "You people just take and take and take...."

LADY: "Sir...the CPA surchage isn't about accounting...it's a Community Preservation Area that the voters voted in back in 2006. It's been on your bill since then."

ME: "Oh. Have a great day!"