Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Another sentence from another news story!

Under pressure from outraged taxpayers and calls by members of Congress to investigate its funding, the National Portrait Gallery at the Smithsonian Institution removes a controversial video exhibit entitled 'A Fire in My Belly' — which includes a depiction of Jesus on the cross being eaten by ants.

Two sentences from a news story.

Morley learned that Christie was not going to reappoint him, due in part to a 2009 case in which he dismissed animal-cruelty charges against a Moorestown cop accused of sticking his penis into the mouths of five calves.

Morley said there was no way of knowing whether the calves had been "puzzled" or "tormented" by the officer's actions.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Conversation in the barber chair.

HAIR STYLIST: "Now look straight."

ME: "You don't think I look straight?"

HAIR STYLIST: "Look forward please."

ME: "I look straight, right?"

Saturday, November 27, 2010

CBS News gives up on graphics and information.

Or is that all the information we really need?

Random things said in my shop not by me.

"Are you eating peanut butter? I can smell peanut butter."


"Say Hi to Steve, Say Hi to Steve, Say Hi to Steve, Say Hi to Steve, Say Hi to Steve."


"Hi Teve."


"Do you buy crap? I have a lot of crap."


"That's a player piano."


"I think I'll buy those at the Worcester store instead....they called me."


"I have a bunch of shit...do you buy shit?"


"Can you call Verizon for me and help me get my Fios set up?"


"Will you be open Thanksgiving? Doesn't matter...I won't be around anyhow."


"One person thought I was 46 and another wanted me to be Santa."


"That's Kathleen Turner from Body Heat."


"We still have over an hour before we have to be home, let's kill it here!"


"I was selling crack, robbing people, breaking into stores....how have YOU been?"


"You must be really good at Tetris to fit all of this in your store."


"KISS will put their name on ANYTHING!"


"The Beatles were a recording group, The Stones were a touring group."


Monday, November 22, 2010

Wifey knows Wifeys

I'm watching some lame awards show last night and Wifey pokes her head up out of her burrow.

Here is part of that conversation:

WIFEY: "Do you know who he's married to?"

ME: "Who is he married to?"

WIFEY: "Katy Perry."

(Wifey usually tells me who is married to who)


A few minutes later Carlos Santana appears on stage. I decide to ask Wifey a question.

ME: "Who is Carlos Santana married to?"

WIFEY: "Mrs. Santana."

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Sunday, November 14, 2010

She loves me!!!

WIFEY: "I love you with all my heart, but could you please just shut up?!!"

Saturday, November 13, 2010

It's very beautiful (so said the subject box of today's spam)

It's very beautiful!
When you have a big penis!


Sunday, November 07, 2010

When is a quarter a half of a fifth or a third? When it is ajar....that's when.

So last night Wifey and I go out to a local BBQ place for a bite to eat.

Wifey wants a BBQ chicken sandwich, I want a burger.

Here is the conversation.

WIFEY: "I want the bbq chicken and I also want a hamburger, but I can't eat that much."

ME: "Why don't we split it up...you give me half of your chicken sandwich and I'll give you half of my burger."

WIFEY: "That sounds good but I don't want half of your burger...just cut me a piece."

So our food arrives. I cut my burger into four equal sized pieces. Some people would call that quarters.

So I give Wifey 1/4 of my burger (Remember...she didn't want half)

WIFEY: "That's all you're giving me???"


So let's sum up:

Somehow you have to be a math wizard to figure out how much food to give Wifey. Half is too much, a quarter is too little. Sorry, Baby....but food don't be coming in no fifths or thirds.


Friday, November 05, 2010


Jet ski across the Pacific Ocean.

(I didn't laugh either)

Thursday, November 04, 2010

The Dear Sir/Ma gave it away:

Continuing our popular feature...Let's Look In The Spam Folder


Dear Sir/Ma,
How are you with business,Hope Fine.....I am happy to reach you through this medium which i know it'll be received in a good mood to introduce myself am Larry Kaster Self Employed owner of Commendable Ltd....I will like to place an order for the listed books so kindly get me the total estimated quotes of my request plus shipping cost via USPS Int'l Airmail Express 4-5 days delivery to my client Location Address as Follows :-

Robbins & Cotran Pathologic Basis of Disease, 8th Edition By: Vinay Kumar & Abul K. Abbas (Author) Format: Hardcover ISBN: 9781416031215............15 Copies
Lehninger Principles of Biochemistry 5th Edition By: David L. Nelson (Author) Format: Hardcover ISBN:- 071677108X............10 Copies
Black's Law Dictionary Deluxe Ninth Edition By: Bryan A. Garner (Author) Format: Hardcover ISBN: 0314199500............15 Copies

.................Shipping Address............
Name:- Babalola Onyebuchi
Address:- 26, Bamgbose Street
Lagos Island, Lagos State
23401, Nigeria

Nevertheless, Make it up to me with the total estimated quotes of my request and you will have my credit card details charged for the payment of my order plus shipping charges to my client's location address.

Awaiting your prompt reply soon and have a great time with business.

Please Advice,
Larry Kaster
Commendable Ltd
Email Address :-

Correction time.

So Wifey read yesterday's Hawaii Five-0 blog.

She informed me she didn't use the word 'ain't'. She also informed me she never uses the word 'ain't'.

She told me her words were: "You aren't Five 0"

I ain't Five-0.


I wish I was Five-0.

Or something.

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

A simple request.

So last night we're watching Hawaii Five-0.

Here is our conversation:

ME: "At my funeral I want that theme music playing."

WIFEY: "You ain't Five-0."

Monday, November 01, 2010

Jack a dull boy

So yesterday I took the day off to go to a New England Patriots game.

Even when I have a day off there is work to do...

Don't you hate inside jokes?