Tuesday, October 31, 2006

We interrupt today's scheduled blog to bring you this Special Report

Today's blog was going to be about how Ronald Reagan ended the Cold War and how teachers are overpaid but this came across the wire and somehow seems more important:

This morning while talking with Wifey I had a slight runny nose...here is how that conversation went:

ME: "Do I have anything hanging out of my nose?"

WIFEY: "You always do."

Monday, October 30, 2006

Things we DON'T want for Halloween

1. We don't want candy with razors in them.

2. We don't want one of those litle boxes that contain two...maybe three Milk Duds (Though we like Milk Duds)

3. We don't want one of those little boxes with two...maybe three DOTS in them (Though we like DOTS)

4. We don't want Dum Dums. They are for losers.

5. We don't want pennies.

6. Candy Corn. We love it...but not from you on Halloween.

7. Nothing homemade. Unless it has the words Pork and Chop in it.

8. We don't want white chocolate. EVER.

9. We don't want non-name brands.

10. We don't want anything unless its from the Milky Way, Snickers, Reeses, Hershey, 3 Musketeers, Kit Kat, or Cadbury families.

11. And the ONLY salty thing allowed is the PayDay candy bar.

12. We also don't want any "UNICEF" kids ringing our doorbell.

13. Or anyone past say 7:30.

14. And anyone that has a costume I don't understand. Understand?

15. And I don't want John Kerry, Hillary Clinton, or any of the Kennedys.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

The Slobber Knocker.

So yesterday they announce on the radio that this Saturday (TODAY!!) there is going to be a Slobber Knocker and instantly I'm excited!

My first thought is to get someone to work the store, call up Hoag, and get our asses down to the Slobber Knocker.

I know it will involve steamed hot dogs, fried dough, and the newest greatest carnival ride EVER!

Or maybe Hawaiian Tropic models and cocoa butter and happy endings.

Possibly a maze filled with candy and kittens and everything fried.

I aint missing this Slobber Knocker for anything!

There's gonna be mountain surfing on ironing boards! Baseball and broads and candy and root beer floats! I'll be slobberin' and knockin' and laughin' and lovin'

Maybe it will involve dolphins...or a parade with bears and tigers and meerkats dressed as confederate soldiers!

I don't know what the Slobber Knocker is. BUT. I. WILL. BE. THERE.

I'll be King of the Slobber Knockers! It will be fun and I will remember it forever and ever. We'll eat cotton candy and have our faces painted and run in a field of puppies! The Slobber Knocker IS ON!

And I am it's King.

But The Slobber Knocker was none of that.

The Slobber Knocker was the weatherman's way of saying it was gonna rain with lots of wind.

I wish I was dead.

Friday, October 27, 2006

WARNING! WARNING! Not Funny Alert!

Things always work out for me. Good seats at concerts. The last piece of cake. Refunds from insurance companies. All sorts of small things just seem to go my way. Wifey thinks I'm lucky. It aint luck. Things just work out somehow.

So anyhow...two years ago I get a phone call that my Mom might be dying and to get to the hospital. I hang up the phone and in walks Bacon Ace who runs the store for me while I rush off to the hospital. (Would I have closed the store if he didn't show up?) I get to the hospital, meet my brother there, and then find out Mom died about ten minutes before. Possibly the most horrible thing thats ever happened to me. Me and Bro decide to go straight to the funeral home and make the arrangements, tie up all loose ends, and then go home.

I'm at home. My Mom just died. And I'm sitting there. And I'm watching TV. The Red Sox. The fourth game of the 2004 World Series. And they win. The Boston Red Sox WIN the World Series a couple of hours after my Mom dies. The Boston Red Sox. I'm jumping for joy on the day my Mom dies. I run to a friends house in the neighborhood and toast the Red Sox. On the day my Mom dies. It's very strange. I've loved the Red Sox more than any 'thing' in my life and they go and win the World Series on October 27, 2004. The day Mom died.

Like I said...things work out for me in some weird way. How can I relate something as trivial as the Red Sox winning to my Mom's death? The Red Sox winning wasn't trivial. It was awesome. And Moms death was horrible. They just happened on the same day.

It's actually kinda cool. When I think of that glorious moment of Foulke getting the ball and tossing it to Minky at first...I think of Mom. And when I think of Mom...I think of the Red Sox. I'm sure there is some hidden goofy metaphor about life and death and stuff that I could prattle on about, but there aint. My Mom died and the Red Sox won the World Series two years ago today.

I miss those 2004 Red Sox. And I miss my Mom.

(I hope next October some relative I don't like dies and the Red Sox win again.)

Thursday, October 26, 2006

I aint gonna vote but I WILL complain afterwards. So there.

I watched the debate last night. It had the four candidates for Governor of Massachusetts.

I can either vote for:

1. A chick that looks like an ugly chick.

2. A chick that looks like a dude.

3. A dude that sounds like a chick

4. Or a dude that has a name like a chick.

They all said they would:

1. Balance the budget.

2. Fight crime.

3. Hire more teachers.

4. Not be in the pocket of special interest groups

5. Reduce property taxes.

6. Fix the roads and bridges.

7. Fertilize my lawn.

8. And a bunch of other stuff.

9. Work hard for the commonwealth.

Here is what they'll really do:

1. Tell me I can't park on the side of the road when there is a snowstorm.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

The Retarded

Ever hear me talk about my Cousin Saul? Have I ever mentioned he's retarded?

He went to see the movie The Departed yesterday and told me he didn't like it and would never see a Marty Scorsee movie again.

Jeez...why didn't you like it Saul? Because of the great acting? The great plot? The snappy dialogue? Maybe you were turned off by the violence in a freakin GANGSTER MOVIE you stupid retahd!

Maybe you were turned off by the swearing in a freakin' GANGSTER MOVIE!!

Too much blood for you sissy-boy? In a GANGSTER MOVIE.

Maybe he hated it because of the awesome soundtrack.

Like I said...he's retarded.

You haven't seen The Departed yet? Here's another hint on just how far down his syndrome of hate has gone...he hated the Shawshank Redemption. He probably hates Field of Dreams also.

Here's a tip....if Cousin Saul hates a movie, there is a good chance you'll like it.

He hates everything. Except cheese. And they don't make many movies about cheese.

Though they should.

I wish I had an ice pick and was jabbing his eyes out.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

TiVo Brand Gelatin

Sitting with daughter last night....here is how that went:

ME: "Did we TiVo that?"

DAUGHTER: "We don't have TiVo"

ME: "I call it TiVo...should I have said Did You Digitally Record That?"

DAUGHTER: "Whatever" :::totally wants no part of the upcoming conversation:::

ME: "Don't you ask for a Kleenex when you need a tissue?"

DAUGHTER: "I ask for a tissue"


DAUGHTER: "Well I don't ask for Kleenex"

ME: You're just like Cousin Saul who will actually say...'Please pass the JELL-O Brand gelatin'....instead of just Jell-O. How would you ask for Royal Brand gelatin?"

DAUGHTER: "I would never ask for Royal Brand Gelatin"

ME: "When you search something on the internet do you say I need to search something on the World Wide Web or do you just say 'I need to Google something'?"

DAUGHTER: "I don't say I need to Google something"

ME: *sigh*...When you want money for a car, please just Ask Jeeves"

(I TiVo stuff, Xerox stuff, use Keenex, eat JELL-O, drink Coke, wear Levis...regardless of the brand...well, actually I only wear Levi Brand Blue Jeans)

Monday, October 23, 2006

Yet another blog making fun of Hoag's daintyness

As you all know my friend Hoagy has one of the world's largest thimble collections. Let's interview him shall we...

ME: "So Hoag tell us, how long you've collected thimbles?"

HOAG: "I don't collect thimbles."

ME: "Is it true you have thimbles from all fifty states and Puerto Rico?"

HOAG: "I don't collect thimbles."

ME: "We've heard you had specially made shelves to house your collection...is it true it's made from imported teak?"

HOAG: "I don't collect thimbles."

ME: "We've heard your prized piece is the one that has the Lords Prayer emblazoned on the top...any others that are special to you?"

HOAG: "I don't collect thimbles."

ME: "We've heard the value of thimbles is skyrocketing...what do you estimate your collection to be worth?"

HOAG: "I don't collect thimbles."

ME: "What first attracted you to thimbles?"

HOAG: "I used to help my mom sew buttons on my shirts."

ME: "You wore dresses, didn't you?"

HOAG: "I don't collect thimbles."

ME: "You wore dresses, didn't you?"

HOAG: "Only while sewing"

ME: "Do you have any manly hobbies?"

HOAG: "I collect thimbles"

ME: "That aint manly"

HOAG: "Is wearing dresses?"

ME: "Nope."

HOAG: "Is that a french fry in my sewing basket?"

ME: "It's all yours buddy"

Saturday, October 21, 2006

The Fall Foliage Tour

ME: "Have you ever seen such a vibrant maple tree before?"

HOAG: "It's absolutely stunning!"

ME: "Quick take a picture of it!"

HOAG: "We should pull over and take one of the leaves and press it in wax paper and put it inside a book so future generations can see it's wonder!"

ME: "Splendid idea!"

HOAG: "Oh my God! Look at the orange hues on that Magnolia!"

ME: ::tinkles in pants::

HOAG: "If only our wives could see these colors!"

ME: "Look at the way the reds blend with the oranges and then the yellows....all with a nice mix of greens thrown in for contrast!"

HOAG: ::tinkles in pants::

ME: "Lets stand in that field and just spin around and let the colors overwhelm us with it's bounty of autumn!"

HOAG: "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

ME: "Hoag?"

HOAG: "Yes Steve?"

ME: "I'm glad you're my friend"

HOAG: "Ditto right back at you"

ME: "Is that a french fry in the back seat?"


Friday, October 20, 2006

This is the one about the cookout where everyone was supposed to bring something and Hoagy showed up with a bowl of wax lips.

Cousin Saul was having a cookout one summer and everyone who was invited was supposed to bring something....a salad, soft drinks, jarts, hot dogs, burgers, crackers etc.

Hoag showed up with a bowl of wax lips.

Oh crap...the title kinda gave away the punchline.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

And Merry Christmas to you also.

So about ten years ago I'm putting together a Christmas stocking for my Mom when I think what a great idea it would be to put in a few gift certificates from a local movie theater.

So on my way home one night I stop at the cinema and stand in line to get the certificates and in front of me is this stunning woman. Not flashy slutty stunning....but Classy. Dignified. Tasteful. Gorgeous. Nice tailored clothes, perfect skin, great shoes and coat. Hair was great. Wicked tall. Flawless makeup...but in no way was this broad full of her self or trying to get attention. But she got mine.

So I strike up a conversation with her (the line was pretty long and moving slow) and she's buying gift certificates for her Mom also, we touch on a few movies, TV shows, places to eat in the area, small talk, Christmas, where each lives and on and on. A very nice pleasant conversation in the middle of Christmas madness.

She's now bought her gift certificates and is standing by the curb waiting to cross the street...I finish my transaction and stand next to her as I also have to cross the street to get to my car. Here is how the rest of the conversation went:

ME: "You know...I don't normally say stuff like this to strangers but I just want to say that you're one of the most gorgeous women I've ever seen"

HER: "Get away from me you Freak"

Wednesday, October 18, 2006


So guess who is back in the news? Yup. Mel Gibson. Seems he's out promoting his new movie and he's going on all the shows and rehashing the whole "Jews suck" thing from this past summer.

The beauty of it is that I got to read all of Mel's Jew bashing comments...it's actually rather amusing but becomes killer funny once you step inside the police station with Mel and he calls one of the policewomen "SugarTits". Is that an insult? Do women really hate being called SugarTits? Sounds kinda sweet to me. Sugar=Sweet. Tits=Breasts. SugarTits=SweetBreasts. This is a problem?

Why didn't the media bring this up before? Why didn't Mel? Now that I've heard that Mel called some chick SugarTits I'm kinda on his side again.

Though I've never used the term 'SugarTits' before (I'm partial to Sweater Puppies) I think I'm gonna start.

Or would that offend all you SugarTitted Jew bitches?

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

25 years ago today

Today is our 25th wedding anniversary and I would just like to thank my darling wife for 19 wonderful years of marriage.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Hawaii Earthquake...Experts give it a 6.6...I give it a 10.0

Yesterday there was a huge earthquake in Hawaii (a group of islands in the Pacific Ocean) and after the earthquake CNN started showing what was happening afterwards....and what happened afterwards was shocking.

The Hawaiians were lined up orderly in front of stores and following the instructions of the shop keepers. Two people at a time were allowed in, they would quickly and politely buy what they needed using shells or flowers as money, leave, and then the store would allow two more people in and on and on it went all day long.

If that earthquake had happened in the United States you can bet your stolen boots there would have been massive looting. Rioting. Guys with TVs on their shoulders. But not in Hawaii.

Hopefully we can learn from our foreign friends in the Pacific.

(and it even makes me more proud knowing I have 3% Hawaiian blood running through my veins....or is that Cherokee blood I have running through my veins?....whatever)

Friday, October 13, 2006

Diggin' on the Brown

A few years ago monkeys were all the rage. Folks adored them. And then somehow pirates became the new monkeys and everyone just adored pirates.

And today? Well, today it seems that bears are the new pirates. Folks are just diggin' on the brown. We love 'em. Colbert loves 'em. Letterman loves 'em. Hoag loves 'em. Bears are where it's at. They're the happening mammal.

But you know what? In a year or two something is gonna be the new bear. Hard to believe that now...but it's gonna happen. Whoever thought monkeys and pirates would be out?

I think we should start preparing now...

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Transcript of the first ever I AINT NO OPRAH podcast

ME: ::testing testing one two three testing testing"

HOAG: ::taptaptap:: "Is this thing on?"

ME: "What thing?"

HOAG: "The pod"

ME: "That aint a pod"

HOAG: "What is it?"

ME: "Microphone"

HOAG: "What's a podcast anyhow?"

ME: "It's kinda like radio except way crappier"

HOAG: "What should we do our first ::snicker:: podcast on?"

ME: "Huh?"

HOAG: "We're doing a live podcast...what should it be on?"

ME: "Hitler?"

HOAG: "He was bad, huh?"

ME: "Yup"

HOAG: 'You gonna eat those fries?"

ME: "Hey!...Who is that behind you?"

HOAG: :: turns around and looks::

ME:::Dips fingers in Hoags drink...washes off ketchup::

HOAG: "I didn't see anyone"

ME: "She's right there"

HOAG: ::turns around and looks once again::

ME: ::swipes a steak tip and three french fries"

HOAG: "Damn, I missed her again"

ME: "I think she liked you"

HOAG: "Podcasts are cool, huh?"

ME: "What's a podcast?"

HOAG: "It's kinda like radio except on the computer and way crappier"

ME: "Why is it all the rage?"

HOAG: "What's all the rage?"

ME: "Podcasts"

HOAG: "What's a podcast?"

ME: "It's kinda like radio except on the computer and way crappier"

HOAG: "Is that a french fry on the ground?"


Wednesday, October 11, 2006


Does anybody else find it odd that a plane just crashed into a building in NYC on the three year, one month anniversary of the Second Anniversary of 9/11? .

Christmas in October

Before I got married I had the quintessential (I needed spell check) bachelor pad. I lived in this huge apartment complex with Roomie. Though Roomie didn't invent snorting cocaine, he sure perfected it.

So anyhow, one year shortly after Christmas we had this party (as was the norm), and sometime around 1:00 AM I went to bed with the party still going on (as was the norm).

When I woke up the next morning there were about 4 or 5 dead Christmas trees in my bedroom. And then about 5 or 6 more lining the hallway. And then in the living room and kitchen area there were about 30 or more strewn about. Sad looking things. Strands of wrinkled tinsle...broken limbs....browning needles.

Seems Hoagy, some pirates, couple of bears, and possibly Coked-Up Roomie thought it would be fun to fill the house with dead discarded Christmas trees that were left by the dumpsters in this large apartment complex I lived in.

I'm guessing there are still pine needles embedded in that carpet.

I'm also guessing that Roomie is still awake.

As is Hoag.

(I lied about pirates and bears being involved)

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Pirates-Bears=Stamps (the new math)

Today's blog was going to be about pirates and bears but then I went into the post office.

The guy in front of me bought one stamp. One. Stamp. Is his life so bad that this stamp is going to be the last one he'll ever need? Is he going to his room, writing his suicide note, addressing it, placing the stamp on envelope, and then blasting his brains out?

Or does he only have .39 cents?

If he only has .39 cents shouldn't he blast his brains out?

If I see him in line again...only buying one stamp....may I blast his brains out?

It just must suck so bad when you've reached the depths this guy has that you know you only need one more stamp. I wonder what I'll use my last stamp on?

(I sometimes buy stamps just to lick the backs of them. Or stick 'em on my nose or something.)

Monday, October 09, 2006

No pirates no bears...OH MY!

Today's blog was going to be about pirates and bears but then a simple conversation with Wifey changed that.

This morning we were discussing people's looks and the hows and whys of why folks are attracted to one another...here is how that conversation went:

ME: "Do you like my looks?"

WIFEY: "It's not your looks I have the problem with."

And that my friends is why we aint talkin' about bears and pirates.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Chronomentrophobia (sissies)

As you know, I hate making fun of people and their eccentricities...but I really, REALLY have to make fun of folks with chronomentrophobia.

As you should also.

What is chronomentrophobia you ask?

It's the fear of clocks. Yup...clocks.

According to some website that treats this 'horrible' condition 'At some point in your past, there was likely an event linking clocks and emotional trauma."

Sack up Nancy!

Its a clock. It ticks. It tocks (though it doesn't talk)

So what was so horrible that happened that made you (PansyBoy) afraid of clocks?

1. Was there a clock around when a shark was gnawing off you leg?

2. Was there a clock around when Uncle Priest sat you on his lap?

3. Was there a clock around when you were on fire on the 74th floor of the World Trade Center?

4. Was there a clock around when you were in that tub filled with spiders and bears?

5. Was there a clock pinned on that evil clown?

6. Was there a clock on the wall when the prison guard was loving you?

7. Is there an evil clock BEHIND YOU RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND!???


Friday, October 06, 2006

Let's thank Hoagy for saving our lives.

I've been hangin' out with Hoagy for about 35 years now and I STILL learn new stuff from him. Here's what I learned last night:

1. If you should run into a Grizzly Bear out in the wild and said Grizzly puts down one paw followed by another make sure you put your coat up high over your head so you appear bigger...it might scare off said Grizz because he now thinks you're a formidable foe. Thank you Hoag for once again saving my life.

2. If you should run into a Grizzly Bear out in the wild and said Grizzly puts down both paws at the same time there is a good chance said Grizzly is going to eat you....so get down on the ground, face down, and cover up your head area. Thank you Hoag for once again saving my life.

3. If you should run into a Black Bear out in the wild and it runs toward you it means the bear wants to eat you....best thing to do is hit said Black Bear in the snout. Thank you Hoag for once again saving my life.

4. If you should be out at a restaurant and a hot waitress starts to approach you, this is what Hoagy told me to do ...ummmm.....I forget..ummmm....I think it was something to with hitting her in her snout.


I might have the Grizzly advice wrong...so do the former on the latter. Or something.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

I'm gonna have a sexy birthday.

Somehow I'm on Victoria's Secret mailing list and somehow they know my birthday is coming up this month.

I've had happy birthdays and crappy birthdays. Surprise birthdays and thirtieth birthdays....but I've never had a SEXY BIRTHDAY. Now somehow Vicky thinks giving me $10.00 off on a push-up bra is gonna make MY birthday sexy. Should I wear said push-up bra? Will that really be sexy? And only on my birthday? Would me wearing a push-up bra (and angel wings) say...three days after my birthday not be so sexy? What really makes a birthday sexy? It can't possibly be me in a push-up bra. Or can it?

Can you imagine the sexiness of my birthday if that was a $20.00 off gift card? If I was in charge of Victoria's Secret (and who's to say I'm not?) I'd make those gift cards read: HAVE A SEXY DAY. Why limit sexy days just to my birthday? And do other folks only get these discount cards on MY birthday? Is it my birthdate that is really THE sexy date on the calendar?

Well,...it is buddy night tonight...maybe I'll slip the card in the Hoags wallet so he too can be sexy on my birthday.

I hope you're all sexy on my birthday!...but not as sexy as me. Cuz it is my birthday afterall. And my birthday is gonna be a Sexy Birthday.

Not today. Later in the month. Right around SexyDay.

Sexy Birthday to me! Sexy Birthday to me! Sexy Birthday dear I AINT NO OPRAH...Sexy Birthday to me!

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

An actual thought provoking conversation with my 16 year old daughter.


ME: "Yeah?"

DAUGHTER: "You don't use urinals, do you?"

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Terrorists come in all shapes and sizes and rural farmlands

I would just like to say thank you to the Bush Administration for what they did yesterday at that terrorist school in Nickel Odeon, Pennsylvania. The Amish are a threat to National Security and it took guts to infiltrate their headquarters and take out 5 of their most dangerous operatives:

1. Sara Azi Abdul

2. Becky Hussein Marackabet

3. Suzie Atta

4. Jessica bin Laden

5. Laura Moussaui

I also think the idea of building a giant fence around Lancaster County, PA is a great idea and should keep the terrorists out of America....and Mexico.

God Bless America, George Bush, and the brave American that lost his life in the defense of this great land.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Prisoner of War

So I'm driving to work this morning mentally writing today's blog (It was gonna be all about cheese and crackers) when all of a sudden I notice the guy in front of me had one of those special license plates proclaiming that he was an EX-POW. He's wearing that license plate as a badge of honor.

HEY DOUCHEBAG...that plate proclaims that you were a crappy soldier and got caught by some 20 year old Kraut or Charlie or something and sat out the rest of the war in some cushy hotel eating cheese and crackers while the real soldiers were getting shot at.

Stop wearing it so proudly.

(Notice the clever way I still managed to work in cheese and crackers into today's blog?)