Sunday, February 27, 2011

Sorry Spud.

So last night I go to a party and see one of my old friends from the 1970s.

We will call him Spud.

Now the things you need to know about Spud for this story is that back in the so called day Spud was thin. And his Dad was fat.

You got that? Spud thin, Dad fat.

So last night I see Spud and he has this big belly. And he looks a bit like his Dad anyhow.

Big belly like Dad...looks like Dad.

Here is the reason for my apology.

::pointing to Spud's belly::

ME: "You know, you could probably fit a tattoo of your Dad's belly on your belly."

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Morning Breath

WIFEY: "Get away from me...morning breath."

ME: "I don't have morning breath."

WIFEY: "It's the morning and you have breath."

Great Moments in Oscar History

Chubby Chasers

ME: "So the Hoag and I have noticed that Casey has gained a ton of weight."

GAL: "I was just looking at her....she's gained no weight whatsoever."

ME: "Maybe it was the lighting."

GAL: "You gays are so picky."

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Yellow Parks and Yellow Recreation.

There is a show we watch at home called Parks and Recreation.

My daughter was over the other night as we were about to watch it.

Here is the conversation:

ME: "Do you like Parks and Recreation?"

DAUGHTER: "Yes, but it's too yellow."

ME: "Too yellow??"


ME: "Too yellow? What does that even mean?"

DAUGHTER: "The colors they use. It's all yellow all the time."


So we watched.

She was right. It's a very yellow show.

They even did a bit about post-it notes.

I never knew that certain shows had certain color schemes.

But now I do.

And so do you.

But it still doesn't explain why my daughter doesn't like yellow shows.

Honey Badger doesn't give a shit.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Healthy Choices

WAITRESS: "Would you like to see our healthy choices menu?"

ME: "Do I look like I'd like to see your healthy choices menu?"

Sunday, February 20, 2011

The Wedding

ME: "Are you at the wedding?"

HOAGY: "Wedding? Honey Badger really doesn't give a shit about the wedding."

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Gracie is my dog.

ME: "You look hot."

WIFEY: "You think Gracie looks hot."

ME: "You're insane."

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

The Cold

JIM: "My cold is worse than yours."

ME: "How can you say that?"

JIM: "I was shaking."

ME: "I was shaking."

JIM: "You wouldn't have been able to go to work if yours was as bad as mine."

ME: "Of course I would have. I don't take days off because I have a cold."

JIM: "If it was as bad as mine you would have taken a day off."

ME: "I'm not a pussy like you."

JIM: "Mine was clearly worse."

ME: "Nope. You're just a pussy."

JIM: "I had a fever. Sore throat. The shakes. My whole body hurt."

ME: "You mean you had a cold?"

JIM: "Yes. Worse than yours."

ME: "This is the dumbest argument ever."

JIM: "I'm telling way you could have worked if you were as sick as me."

ME: "But I did."

Sunday, February 13, 2011

An open apology.

I would just like to say I'm sorry to all of Canada for yesterday's post.

I was upset.

Forgive me.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

I am a racist. Sue me.

You smell.

You are rude.

Your children are wild.

Your women are ugly.

Your country is a hellhole.

You drive like shit.

You constantly honk your horn.

You don't close doors behind you.

You treat women horribly.

Your religion is fucked up.

Paisley is no longer a good fashion choice.

Your music blows.

Grandma always seems to be in tow.

You eat stupid kinds of food.

Your whole culture is a train wreck.

Your voice is annoying.

I Ain't No Oprah...I am a racist.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Sunday, February 06, 2011

The Weekend Wisdom (?) of Wifey

ME: "You look adorable!"

WIFEY: "You're making fun of me. You're so mean."


Hands around her waist. Looking in her eyes. Here is the conversation that follows.

ME: "I'm in a kissing mood."

WIFEY: "Kiss Sally."


ME: "Can you tell when I've had a few drinks?"

WIFEY: "Not really. You repeat yourself a little."

ME: "Can you tell when I've had a few drinks?"


ME: "Green pasta? I ain't eating green pasta!"

WIFEY: "It's not green."

(I ate the green pasta)


ME: "Did one of the girls take my socks?"

WIFEY: "They don't take your socks. They would be afraid to. You're stupid."

ME: "I think they take my socks."


Saturday, February 05, 2011

Friday, February 04, 2011

I'd like you to meet the owner.

So last night was Buddy Nite.

We had the honor of being joined by Wifey and Sly Boots.

We're at the regular restaurant that we go every week.

We've been going there most weeks for a few years now.

We've gotten to know the staff quite well.

Wifey also goes there fairly often but hasn't met the owners.

And I spot one of the owners down back eating at a table. With her back to me.

Did I mention she's kinda hot? Blonde hair?

So me being the suave dude that I am decide to saunter over to her, say hi, and then tell her to come over and meet Wifey.

I go walking down back like I own the place...get right up behind her, stick my big old horse face right into hers while she's eating and say HEY!

Do I need to mention it wasn't her?

Do I need to mention that my face is still red?

Do I need to mention that The Hoag, Wifey, and Sly Boots all are amused?

Thursday, February 03, 2011

Snowstorm packs a wallop!

A wallop.

That's what I've been reading.

Not many things pack wallops.

Snowstorms do.

Wednesday, February 02, 2011

It's time for.... SNIPPETS 2011

WIFEY: "Who was in here? There is sand all over the floor!"

ME: "I was. I wouldn't say sand is ALL over the floor."


ME: "Should we just leave without paying?"

HOAG: "Sure."


The other day I helped out a neighbor by snowblowing his driveway while he was gone.

There was about 12" of snow.

Last night he paid me back by doing mine while I was at work.

Mine had about 5" or 6" of snow.

Sometimes a driveway is just a cigar.


BANK TELLER: "It will be about ten minutes before he can see you."

JERK: "I don't want to hear ten minutes if it's really going to be twenty."

BANK TELLER: "Well, he's with someone right now...I'm guessing it will be about ten minutes but I have no way of knowing exactly how long."

JERK: "No more than ten minutes though?"

repeat repeat repeat

ME: "Hey, Asshole...she said around ten minutes."


POSTAL CLERK: "Would you lik..."

ME: "I don't need insurance, delivery confirmation, or stamps. There is nothing liquid, fragile, or hazardous in this box. Just send this priority as marked."

POSTAL CLERK: "Would you like some gift bags or stamp albums?"

ME: "How much are the gift bags?"


LADY: "Do you know where Newton Street is?"

ME: "Nope...I'm not from around here."

LADY: "May I come behind the counter and look?"

ME: "Newton Street ain't behind my counter."

LADY: "I meant may I look on your computer?"

ME: "Sure."


So I'm at a concert last week. I wanted to leave the venue for ten minutes and come back. Here is the conversation.

ME: "Is it okay if I step out and come back in ten minutes."

SECURITY GUY: "We don't normally allow that but I'll remember you and let you back in."

ME: "How will you remember me in a crowd of thousands of concert goers?"

SECURITY GUY: "You're the guy wearing jeans."

ME: "Nice."