Thursday, December 31, 2009

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Pillow Fight!

So for Christmas I asked for a new pillow.

For Christmas I received a new pillow.

That is where the story should end.

It doesn't.

Why doesn't it you ask?

Gather 'round and I'll tell you.

So I get the new pillow and new pillow is excellent for watching tv with. It's firm and it kinda props me up.

So far so good, correct?

But new pillow stays on the couch because that's where I normally watch tv.

So where is old pillow?

Old pillow goes back upstairs on the bed.

'I still see no story here', you think.

So I come home from work yesterday, go upstairs, and notice my old pillow sitting on chair next to bed.

ME: "HEY HONEY!! Why is my pilllow off the bed?"

WIFEY: "It's gross."

ME: "What are you talking about??"

WIFEY: "It's old. It's gross. It's filled with bugs."

ME: "It's not filled with bugs! What makes you even think that??"

WIFEY: "You don't wanna know..."


So To Sum Up:

In Wifey's Abby Normal brain I've been using a bug-filled pillow for years, she never said anything about it, and now she won't let me put bug-filled pillow on bed, but for some reason it's okay to put a bug-filled pillow on the chair TWO FEET FROM SAID BED.



My pillow(s) are too big for bugs...bugs would want tiny little pillows for their tiny little bug heads.




Me=married to the insane.



There ain't no bugs in either pillow.

Though I do think there are mites on Wifey's side of bed.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Christmas Eve Recap

So it was Christmas Eve and I was on my way home early...for some reason Wifey thought I was working my regular hours and had made plans with some of her girlfriends.

I was left alone.

What does one do alone on Christmas Eve?

I did what anybody would do...I went to the local Kentucky Fried Chicken / Taco Bell for a festive meal with my closest homeless friends and vagrants.

Six tacos and a root beer.

I looked around at the pathetic dregs wolfing down popcorn chicken and burritos.

What losers.

What scum.

Lonely. Poor.

Christmas Eve at a combo KFC/Taco Bell.

Did I mention said 'restaurant' was next to a Wal-Mart?

The stench wasn't coming from only the Taco Bell.

Poor pathetic lonely losers alone on Christmas Eve.

And then I noticed the gray haired street lady was looking at me with sad eyes.



And I was.


Hot sauce dripping down my chin. Shredded cheese strewn about the table.



But then I rose from my seat.


Filled with processed meat.

And I took my camera out and took a picture of the Christmas Tree that was in the middle of the floor of the KFC/Taco Bell that was next to a Wal-Mart in an old New England shoe town.

And the folks in the restaurant all smiled. Strangers in a Strange Land.

The counter girl said: "Pretty cool, huh?"

I nodded and smiled at her.

Christmas is special.

So are Tacos and Popcorn Chicken.

(actual photo I took alone on Christmas Eve with a belly filled with meat, tortilla, cheese and lettuce)

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Christmas, SEARS!

So last night I stepped into a 1972 time warp.

In America we call it SEARS.

I saw colors I didn't even know existed anymore. It was an avocado/harvest gold explosion of bland.

Racks filled with clothes that were never in style.

Racks of clothes that NEVER WILL be in style.

Bins of wrapping paper that you wouldn't wrap fish in.

Brand names nobody has ever heard of.

Even the lights in the store seemed dim.

The customers were a hodgepodge of fat and sweattpants.

Old folks that were old in 1972 were shopping. Slowly. Oldly.

I spotted one obese hairy felon at the 'perfume' counter sniffing from a bottle of something (Craftsman for Ladies? Kenmore for Her!)

A SEARS jewelry counter.

I glanced at the Notions Department.

It was all so sad.

It was all so SEARS.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

An open apology to my youngest daughter.

I'm sorry.

I'm a flawed man and meant you no harm.

To do what I did was probably unforgivable in your eyes.

I'm sorry.

I'm a flawed man.

I could promise I will never do it again but that would probably be a false promise.

For I am a flawed man.

I think you of all people will understand why I did what I did.

For you are a flawed girl.

You share my weakness.

I am sorry.

I take full blame.

I am a flawed man.

All I can do is say I'm sorry and tell you I'll make it up to you.

In no way should you blame yourself for my transgressions.

For I am a flawed man.

I'm weak.

Hitler was flawed.Weak. Charlie Manson and Barack Obama. Flawed. Weak.

Yet they didn't do what I did.

I'm a flawed man and I ate the candy I was going to put in your Christmas stocking.

(Even Hitler didn't do that)

Then again, Hitler wasn't tempted by a bag of bite-sized Heath Bars.

I am a flawed man.


You saw that punchline a mile away, didn't cha?

Monday, December 21, 2009

Cougar Town

So this woman comes in the store looking for some gifts for her son.

She's very nice. She asks me for help.

I show her around. Ask a few questions about her old is he, what's he into, etc.

I get a feel for what she's looking for.

Conversation is flowing.

Did I mention she was attractive?

She starts piling up stuff on the counter.

I'm up on the ladder getting hard to reach stuff. "This takes AA batteries!"

Still making conversation. Always looking in my eyes.

It's getting friendlier (but at all times professional)

She's smiling a lot more than when she first came in. She seems real comfortable with me. She's let down her guard (if in fact it was ever up)

She starts telling me how she spent her snowed in Sunday. Kinda private stuff.

She finishes up shopping...I ring her up.

She pays. She looks deep in my eyes.

I think she's into me!

Here is the conversation that follows:

HER: "Would you like to come to bible study with me and my husband Thursday night?"

ME: "No thank you."



Thursday's are BuddyNight, not JesusNight. (Though Jesus would have made a fine buddy)

I guess.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

The Health Care Reform Thingy

So while The Nation shopped for Christmas our (your) politicians basically voted in some seriously flawed Health Care Reform.

It's going to cost hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars.

But the pure genius of the whole thing is that they plan on upping the tax on customers of Tanning Salons to 10%.

I'm not making that up.

Friday, December 18, 2009

This is the one about a limo driver that doesn't really have a punchline.

So BuddyNite was winding down from a restaurant packed with holiday revelers (You'll never actually hear someone say 'Holiday Revelers''s just used in print) we're leaving and we spot this limo sitting outside. And it's a woman driver. She's blonde.

She smiles at us. We smile and wave back.

And then I get in my car and Hoag gets in the passenger seat.

I see the limo.

And I pull up beside it as close as I possibly can. On Hoag's side.

He's roughly eight inches away from said Blonde Limo Driver.

I put the car in park and just sit there for an uncomfortable amount of time.

Uncomfortable for The Hoag that is. And Blonde Limo Driver.

I just stare straight ahead and Hoag squirms for what seems like forever. He's eight inches away from Blonde Limo Driver's window.

Blonde Limo Driver has no idea what we're gonna do. It's borderline creepy. She can't open her door. She starts to open her window.

We start laughing and drive away.

Blonde Limo Driver thinks to herself: 'Assholes!'

And how do I know that she was thinking that?

Trust me...I know.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Silent Night

So I have a radio station on and all they play during the month of December is Christmas songs.

Did you hear me? THAT'S ALL THEY PLAY!!!

So Miss Mensa calls up the station.

Here is that conversation:

MISS MENSA: "Hi...could you play a song for me?"

DJ: "Sure! What would you like to hear?"

MISS MENSA: "Could you play Silent Night for me?"

DJ: "Sure...we'll get that right on."


So now let's gather up the facts:




Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Top Ten Things I Like About The Road Construction Across The Street From My Shop The Week Before Christmas!


Ponce De Leon and X-mas shopping

(I looked for a photo of him but could only find drawings...sorry)

Ponce was and is my favorite explorer.

He looked cool.

He was looking for something cool.



Went the long way around South America when he could have just discovered the Panama Canal instead. (I love that they named GPS systems after a guy that took the long way around)

Columbus? Dolt.

Thought the USA was India. (SHUT MY DOOR!!)

But Ponce was special.

And had the coolest of names...Ponce De Leon.

Say it. Ponce De Leon.

See? Cool.

And the cool helmet.

Fountain of Youth?

Way cool.

So what does this have to do with me shopping last night?

Well, I was getting a gift card and they asked if I wanted a Spanish one.

A Gift Card in Spanish.

Do I look Spanish?

Did I sound Spanish?

Do I look like Ponce De Leon? (If only)

And why are there so many people from Spain that live in the States?


Ponce De Leon=cool

Spanish Gift Cards=Not So Cool.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Vomit on Blitzen

Every year someone comes up with something for a car that makes me mental.

Yellow ribbons.

Anything with a slash thru it.

Baby on Board signs.

Fake bullet holes.

The little shades so the baby doesn't get sun in his eyes. (Babies like sun in their eyes!!)

Wreaths on the front of car.

And on and on.

Stop it.

Especially this:

We know your car isn't really a reindeer.


Saturday, December 12, 2009

Friday, December 11, 2009

I'm gonna paraphrase a bit from The Howard Stern Show.

So I'm listening to Howard Stern the other day and he has this porn gal on.

(Well, actually the porn gal has a webcam and is talking to them via the computer)

And different folks tell PornGal what to do and she does it and everyone laughs or gasps or what have you.

Some of it is funny...some of it is porn.

But it's on the radio.

I'm laughing.

Then someone asks PornGirl to put fingers up her butt and to do whatvever one does with fingers up their butt.

And she does.

And Howard and the gang start laughing.

Then PornGal asks Howard what he wants her to do.

And Howard replies...

"Wash your hands."


And that is the genius of Howard Stern.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

It's Haiku About What An Idiot Theo Epstein Is Day

You traded Manny

Didn't re-sign The Pedro

Dumping Mike Lowell


Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Please enter the I AINT NO OPRAH Bad Poetry Contest.

The sun beats on the lonely farmer.

Crops wilt. Dust blows.

Despair enters his head.

Corn rare.

Locust flee.

The man...hands to his face.

Tears. Fear.

The sun beats on the lonely farmer.

Wind blows.

Emptiness howls.

Beans, wheat, and barley.

No more. The sun beats on the lonely farmer.

Empty pockets. Empty dreams. Empty farm.

Starving cattle. Thinning herd.

The sun beats on the lonely rancher...

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

29 years ago today The Miami Dolphins beat the New England Patriots 16-13.

WIKIPEDIA: The Dolphins got revenge in a 16-13 overtime win at the Miami Orange Bowl. The Patriots clawed to a 13-6 lead in the fourth quarter, then the Dolphins forced overtime with a David Woodley throw to Nat Moore in the fourth, then Uwe von Schamann won it with a 23-yard field goal in the extra quarter. The game, though, wound up taking a back seat to the announcement by Howard Cosell that John Lennon had been shot and killed.

Bryant Gumbel Battling Cancer

That's what the headlines say.



Is he actually battling cancer or does he just have cancer?


Is Cancer afraid of Bryant?

Is Cancer favored in their 'battle'?

Is it a 12 round fight...or maybe a 15 rounder?

Bryant Gumbel has cancer and maybe some doctors are giving him some treatment.

Battling cancer?

The only person that will battle cancer will be me.

And possibly Frazier and Ali.

And maybe Marvin Hagler.

Monday, December 07, 2009

The Perfect Brownie Pan


Lazy bitches!

Never forget.

Remember Pearl Harbor?

Yeah...I thought so.

Sunday, December 06, 2009

I find this hard to believe.

WIFEY: "I have to study for this test all day."

ME: "I have the day off...I'm just gonna sit right here and talk to you. All. Day. Long."

WIFEY: "You don't have the day off. You're a jerk. No wonder people are always mad at you."

ME: "People are always mad at me?"

WIFEY: "Yes."

Saturday, December 05, 2009

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

"Honk for 20% off on Holiday Cards!"

That's what the sign said in front of a store this morning.

So on a $2.00 card I can save 40 cents.

And I'm supposed to honk for that?

So guess what I did?


Instead of honking for 20% off on Holiday Cards I honked for Jesus.

And possibly pizza.